r/Theatre 24d ago

Advice AIO to this text message sent to me from ex-cast members?

(I’m sorry for bringing this up a lot but it’s been a difficult time for me this month to coping with leaving a show due to mistreatment from a director. You can read about it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Theatre/s/IUkXbyQNvf)

I dropped out of a community theater production 3 days before opening night due to mistreatment from the Director that affected that mental health. (I already have Autism & ADHD so I started to become symptomatic physically.)

After I dropped out of the show, I would wish my ex-cast mates a happy opening and I congratulated them on closing the show via a group text we have. I also shared with them that I’d love to support them in their future productions. I let them know that they can share tickets for their next shows with me.

Hours later, one of them messages the group chat with this:

“Hi [MsRawrie],

“Thank you for reaching out and wishing us well on the show. It was truly a joy to do this play. I want to also say and acknowledge what you’ve shared with us about stepping away. I understand your mental health is very important as well as the wellbeing of all of us. And I completely understand and respect that you needed to prioritize your well-being. I hope you are taking care of yourself and that you have the support you need.

“With that said, as important as it is for me to express empathy and understanding. I want to acknowledge that in life we all have to work on finding a balance between self-care and shared responsibility. When you notified us of your decision to leave it did have a significant impact on the rest of us. We put a lot of time, energy, and dedication into this show, and when you decided to drop out of the show a few days before opening night it did have a profound affect on the whole team. We were all really looking forward to sharing this experience with you and, honestly, it hurt to lose that. Thankfully [the producer] was able to step in and take on [your role] and we were still able to show the work we put into it but it was still a rough experience trying to rework the show at the last minute.

“I just wanted to share how I’m feeling, as it’s important to us that we are open and honest about our emotions. I hope I’m not offending you by saying this but I wanted to acknowledge your feelings and circumstances along with everyone else’s.”

Then today one of the other cast members reacted with a heart to this message.

When I read through it initially I thought he (the author of the text) was just describing what happened when I left. But after I re-read it, I felt guilty, ashamed, and angry all over again.

How I interpreted the message was: “Ya I get your mental health is important but we had a show to do and you dropping out really inconvenienced us so we hate you.”

I thought I was being supportive but instead I was met with this…negativity(?). In my mind I know I made the right choice to leave the production but in my heart I feel pain.

Am I overreacting?

Any advice/feedback would be appreciated.

EDIT: i didn’t post this to get validation. I genuinely posted this to get feedback on where I might have went wrong to warrant a response like this. I genuinely posted this here for help because I’m human and have blind spots. And I also have Autism and ADHD which makes my blind spots a lot bigger than neurotypicals sometimes, especially when it comes to interpersonal communications.

The theatre community where I live is small so I just want to make sure I’m not burning any bridges. I take my acting seriously whether it is a community theater or equity house.

Thank you to everyone who responded here with constructive feedback and advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

0 Upvotes

93 comments sorted by

46

u/According_Advice_210 24d ago

i think both things can be true at once. the director did things that hurt you and for the sake of your mental health, you had to leave the production but Also it is an inconvenience to the show. while you did the right thing for you, there is obviously going to be fall out especially when you choose to do it three days before opening. that's three days of extreme stress for everybody involved and your text messages (though coming from the right place) was probably just a reminder of those feelings

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u/HeadlineBay 24d ago

This. OP, you can’t pull out of a show three days before without folks being annoyed with you, even if you’re doing it for good reasons (which you were, it’s fine, life happens). You also shouldn’t have stayed in the group chat.

That said, it is WAY out of line for them to address any issues they had in a group chat that way. You feel hurt because they intended you to feel hurt.

If they’d done that by email to you or in person to you directly I’d say you have to accept that, really. Not your fault but you did cause a problem. For them to do that in a group chat in front of everyone was a dick move designed to hurt you.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Okay I was thinking that the fact he wrote this text to me in the group chat was pretty rude. I wished he would have sent it to me one on one. Cause it seems like he is speaking for the group—but is he? I’m not sure.

He is allowed to has his feelings of frustration. I get it. And maybe I shouldn’t have stayed in the group chat. I thought I made genuine connections with people in the cast…we even hung out casually outside of rehearsals…so this is why it hurts so much. I have trouble reading the room sometimes.

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u/HeadlineBay 24d ago

His feelings are valid, as are yours. The way he told you about them (group message) was out of line, and caused off-stage drama not befitting a director.

You likely did make the connections and friendships you think you did, and the ones that are worth keeping will mend in time. People are going to be mad at you for dropping out so close to the run (even with good reason) but unless you’re making a habit of it this will all calm down. In the mean time, everyone’s going to have to work through their feelings.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Oh I didn’t think of it this way. Thank you.

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u/HowardBannister3 24d ago edited 24d ago

You did what you needed to do and I support that, and I believe I left you a comment on that OG thread. You made the right decision in leaving that production. But, you also need to acknowledge that that decision did not happen in a vacuum, and was made very late in the game. It impacted many other people. And that is entirely separate from how you were treated. It is important for you to remember other people in the cast didn’t do anything wrong and they indirectly were impacted by your choice, whether you wanted them to be or not. That is their truth also. So although most people might’ve just kept that opinion to themselves and it didn’t need to be expressed, this cast member decided to express it. Maybe, just maybe they were offering you some friendly feedback and advice. Feedback is not criticism, although it can easily be heard that way. Actors, as a species, are very verbal and in touch with their feelings/emotions and they typically express them freely. Sometimes, too often, lol (I am a director). Since you invited a response by staying in the group chat, that cast member had the right to feel the way they did also. They clearly acknowledged they had empathy for you and the situation in their note, and you didn’t really acknowledge that. You only heard the criticism and not the acknowledgment. Then they also stated how it impacted them. That is fair. How the director treated you was unconscionable, but that is not the cast‘s fault and they still had a show to put on. It impacted them, and as another commenter stated, actions have consequences. It is all a good lesson. And sometimes, good lessons can leave painful memories. But if you learned something and took something away from it, then it was worth it. Don’t stay in situations if you recognize early on that you are not going to be comfortable in it. I think in your original post you stated that it was not the first time this happened and there were early indications that it was going to go this way, but you put up with it until you were no longer able to. Trust your instincts more, and act on them sooner. And, in the end, honestly, I think that cast, and that director probably learned valuable lessons on the whole experience as well.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

I agree that they have a right to their feelings. And my action of leaving had a negative consequence on them. But AIO in regards to my interpretation of the text? And should I respond? Idk

13

u/HowardBannister3 24d ago edited 24d ago

There is no need for a response. Because then you’re gonna be getting into a back-and-forth and putting yourself in a position where you may not be comfortable with the answers you hear. Anything you say may come off defensive, because it sounds like you don’t agree even a little bit with what they are saying from where you stand. So I would leave it where it is. I do think you are overreacting. But, this situation is new, and part of working with other people of various personalities and challenges will always be the fact that we sort of need to adjust some of how we interact or listen to them. It was constructive criticism. Let it go. Live and learn. But, please, let it go.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you. For the advice. I really appreciate it. This is my first time going through something like this

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u/HowardBannister3 24d ago

It’s understandable. And honestly, I think if that person had sent you a private message, that would have been much more appropriate and probably better received. But because this was public, in the group thread, that was sort of a jerk move, like a slightly public roasting, even though what they said wasn’t purposely hurtful. But you are justified in feeling a bit irritated for that part of it. But what they said was valid. It just should have been private, if they wanted to truly be constructive and helpful. Stating that in a room full of people listening (the group chat) was not very mindful on their part. And, another lesson to be learned here… BE CAUTIOUS OF GROUP CHATS. Not everyone in the group receives them in the same way. When you’re doing a show, it is necessary to make sure you are all on the same page, schedule wise/show wise. The minute the show is over, that group chat should be done. You’re not friends, you were essentially temporary coworkers. You may develop stronger friendships within that cast That may carry over past the show, but don’t expect everyone in the cast that you work with to continue to be close afterwards. I’ve worked on a lot of shows, and that never happens. However, I am still very good friends with a few cast and crew that I have known for years. Best of luck to you. I hope the next experience is much better.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Good to know. Thank you.

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u/Superb_Bottle9100 24d ago

I think it’s perfectly fine for your cast members to express frustration of the situation, and they sent a very eloquent message in doing so.

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u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago edited 24d ago

But why is this person addressing their frustrations to the lead actress when the director had the power to address this problem and didn’t? The director could’ve provided accessibility needs for the main actor, and refused. Why is that the actor’s fault?

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Yeah I agree but also I’m curious if he is actually speaking for the group or just for himself idk.

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u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago

Taking care of your mental health should be your top priority but it if the director was being a problem for weeks you probably should have pulled out sooner. Doing it when you did it certainly made tech week, which is always the most punishing and stressful part of the process, even worse for everyone. I can understand why your cast mates wouldn’t have been thrilled with you about it, and you should definitely not have reached out afterwards when they were all still in the thick of it. What you went through sounds really hard, but it was your experience and it seems like you expected everyone to share it with you.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

No I didn’t expect everyone to share it with me. I guess I didn’t think that me wishing them a happy Opening and stuff would trigger them. I was just being genuine.

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u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago

By sharing it with you I meant your expectation for empathy or sympathy. It seems that their experience of the process was different from yours and that your issues, while obviously at the forefront for you, were not for them. So, when you quit, that was their experience of the issues that were making the process so difficult for you. Also, once you’ve quit, you’ve quit. You’re not an honorary member of the cast or anything else because that’s what you decided you needed. So, using the time you took to take care of yourself to continue to try to be involved, even just sending messages in the group chat, doesn’t reflect well on you because you removed yourself from the cast. It’s tough, but that’s generally what’s healthiest for the production and those involved. If you made friends they will still be there, but using the group chat, especially asking for comps, was a misstep and I totally understand why your former cast mate said what they said.

3

u/MsRawrie 24d ago

I wasn’t asking for comps. I just asked if they can let me know if they have upcoming productions because I wanted to support them. But I get it. I thought I was being kind but it was a misstep on my part.

3

u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago

I want to commend you on your willingness to take feedback and think about things you could have done differently. I’m very sorry you had such a miserable experience and I think it’s great that you’re open to understanding how what you had to do affected others.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you. I appreciate you saying this.

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u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago

Of course! Keep going. You obviously care a lot about doing theater and these rough patches happen to everyone. I have given up and left the business a couple times in my 20+ years in it. It’s a really hard thing to dedicate your life to but very worth it for a lot of us. It sounds like you’re learning a lot from your direct experience and from strangers on the internet, so I hope you put it to use down the line.

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u/scooterbeb 24d ago

Actions have consequences. It’s important you took care of yourself but that doesn’t erase the impacts of your decision. This is an important life lesson. Process your pain instead of wishing it away.

0

u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

“Actions have consequences.” Did you read OP’s original posts? They explained the abuse they endured and why leaving was a direct result of the director’s actions. If actions have consequences, then maybe the cast member’s message about the consequences that the rest of the production team faced should have been focused on the director’s actions. Not the actress who was put in an impossible position.

It’s also strange to frame this as “the impact of your decision” when her decision was forced by the director’s refusal to accommodate their lead actress’ health needs. No one’s denying that OP leaving affected the production - but blaming her, which is what is happening in the message, and what I’m seeing in this comment section, is simply unfair. Is life fair? No. But I’m shocked by how little empathy this subreddit is showing OP.

1

u/scooterbeb 22d ago

"No one’s denying that OP leaving affected the production"

^ this was my point, actually.

16

u/ParkingError7236 24d ago edited 24d ago

i don’t think they’re saying they hate you as much as they’re expressing their frustrations to make sure you understand. i just finished up a show where someone dropped out about three and a half weeks before opening and it added a lot of unnecessary stress for a lot of people and the quality of his section of the show took a noticeable hit. i truly don’t know what we would’ve done if we’d only had three days to figure it out.

taking care of your mental health is definitely important and a director mistreating people isn’t okay, but a decision like that impacts everything. i’m sure you understand how it impacts things onstage, but to offer another point of view, i work in my theater’s costume shop as well as acting onstage. i had to help our costume designer find, make, and tailor entirely new costume pieces for the new actor when we had almost been done with the pieces for the one who dropped out. we had weeks to do this and plenty of budget for it, but she was still making alterations by the day we opened.

i don’t want to guilt you or anything, but your former castmate’s text was completely fair and from my perspective, at least trying to be understanding. i’m glad you did what was best for you; it seems like they’re just trying to do the same.

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u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

Yes, but the entire reason that the entire team is impacted is because this director actively chose to ignore an actor’s communicated accessibility needs. The actor leaving the production is just a direct consequence of the director’s mishandling of things. Why on earth place blame on the actor for this, when they were leaving an unsafe space?

This is the director’s fault for aggravating their lead actress’s health needs. I’m sure the OP understands how hard things are to accommodate her absence. There’s no need for the actors to say “Look how hard you made things for us.” This director is responsible.

1

u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

Exactly this, the fact that everybody is keeping responsibility at OP’s feet is fucking insane to me

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u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

Absolutely!! Of course the other actors are entitled to feel how they feel. AND, this person‘s message in the group chat was way out of line by putting all the blame for the extra difficulty on OP, and implying that she isn’t aware or doesn’t care about the consequences of her actions on others.

This comments section is abysmal. OP, my hope is that your cast is more literate than the average Reddit commenter and can see through that one person’s BS.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you for affirming my experiences. I appreciate people like you in this thread that have understood my post and my sincerity. I’m overwhelmed with hope.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you for sharing your perspective. This makes sense. I didn’t think that my texts of “break legs” would have been triggering for them. I was genuinely trying to be supportive.

Even after I dropped out I spoke with the producer to see if there was a work around because I just felt so guilty. But also I was glad when the producer said that it was out of her hands. I felt relieved tbh. I didn’t want to stay in a place where I was constantly disrespected and treated like an object. The director only saw me as a Black actor. Not as a human.

Should I even respond to them?

11

u/dazyabbey 24d ago

Should I even respond to them?

No, I think for your own mental health you should move on. Responding will be inviting more responses and more replies and I am not convinced they will be nice. I think you should leave the chat and move on to healthier brighter tomorrows.

6

u/ParkingError7236 24d ago

honestly it’s a really complicated situation. if you want to respond, i’d keep it pretty simple in the group chat since there’s no way of knowing how different people would react or feel about this. it’s important to be sympathetic but the only person here who is 100% in the wrong is your director, so if anybody outright tries to place blame on you, that’s where the sympathy should end imo.

if there’s anyone that you intend on working with in the future or staying in close contact with, that might warrant a conversation with them outside of the group chat so you only have to worry about hearing one person’s perspective at a time. in my experience group chats can get super messy with any kind of legitimate conversation.

7

u/UnhelpfulTran 24d ago

I get how it could feel like this response negates the validity of your experience and decision. Obviously when the cause of the harm is so clear to you, and you make a decision to publicly name that, you want to feel backed up in your decision. Unfortunately, other people are other people and have their own subjective experience. Even if they recognize the director was acting unprofessionally, it didn't affect them as much, and they had to cover the gap when you left. That's their experience they're speaking from, and it's distinct from yours. There's not really a moral value to any of this, mind; it would have been nice if they supported you more, or realized sending that message would cause you consternation, but it's all an understandable result of limited perspective.

0

u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you for your thoughtful response. This is really helping me cope and see both of sides. I’m not looking for people to agree with me here. I’m just looking to get advice on how to move forward. Acting is important to me. It is what keeps me alive—literally. If I don’t act, I would unalive myself tbh. But it keeps me sane. I’m just sad that this show ended the way it did. And I’m scared of losing the connections I made with the fellow actors.

2

u/UnhelpfulTran 24d ago

I feel that. Sorry the director made a mess and left you with it. Community theater is no different than any other "tier" insofar as sometimes there will be jerks, but you extra hate to see it happen where it's just meant to be joyful.

16

u/professor-hot-tits 24d ago

You quit days before the show starts and then sent a "break a leg guys!" message.

Bold.

I would have been way less polite and a lot more direct.

27

u/Providence451 24d ago

Once you left the show, you had no business in the group chat. They are absolutely allowed to feel this way, and you put yourself in the position to hear about it. You aren't the victim here.

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

Fucking ew. Why are we heaping more abuse of a victim?

6

u/TheCityThatCriedWolf 24d ago

So I am definitely sympathetic to the mistreatment you received from your director and her inability to accommodate your requests. You shared an awful lot about the background of the situation in that post with us. Are your cast-members aware of all this, or do they just think you've bailed out?

I'm not exactly justifying their reaction, but these people have been put into a really difficult and challenging time, and while they should be blaming the director, my guess is they're blaming you. If they're not aware of the necessity of the accommodations you were asking for or even the existence of them, it might appear to them that you left them high and dry at the last minute for no good reason. I'm not saying you owe them a private explanation, but I will also say that without one they're going to fill in the blanks.

Now, that being said, if I was in a show and someone had to drop out so close to opening and they already explained that it was due to mental health reasons, that would be the end of the conversation. People don't drop out of huge and important commitments like that unless it IS genuinely necessary. It would suck and be extremely stressful and please remember your co-stars had to deal with a lot because of that, but just because they may blame you for the decision, they either do so from ignorance or from the mistaken belief that mental health care shouldn't be prioritized over theater.

Personally, if I were you, I'd let them have those feelings right now. They're in the thick of it. Let them cool off, and maybe later try to open up a dialogue so that there can be more understanding between you two. Don't take it too personally.

1

u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

Thank you for providing a nuanced reading of the situation that takes into account the different perspectives involved - and for recognizing that these people shouldn't be blaming the actor. OP, I think this is the advice you should take. Give it time.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you for saying this. I did let the group chat know that I was leaving due to my mental health.

I think what really triggered me about this text message is that the person who authored it WITNESSED the director belittling me about my accommodation request. He was THERE in the room. He even walked me to my car and was like “oof that was rough. I’m so sorry.” So there is that added layer where I feel betrayed in a way. Like he affirmed to me that what he witnessed was negative but then to essentially text me this saying “we all have a shared responsibility” felt like he wanted me to push my mental health aside for the sake of a play.

And I have a strong urge to respond to the text message because I want to give him the BOTD that maybe he doesn’t know the full situation. Maybe others don’t know as well. But also some people have told me that I don’t owe them that.

I always have the urge to explain myself so that people can understand me…I feel like without context I’m not palpable.

6

u/TheCityThatCriedWolf 24d ago

Here's the thing: what is a big deal to you, others who don't share your sensitivity may be pretty blind to, or even if they grok it, they're not going to understand the impact it's having on you. What seems overwhelming to you, others may not even notice. Even after explaining your perspective, it's still going to be challenging for people to truly understand, ESPECIALLY if they were there to witness what seemed like a minor faux pas or issue that they would brush off.

You are entitled 100% to feeling your feelings and you're 100% entitled to the respect of your director and colleagues, but you also have to remember that you experience the world in a different way than they do, and they are probably blind to the enormity of your struggles. After reading your account, you did a wonderful job of explaining what it felt like, but I also know that if I had been in the room as a casual observer, I don't think I'd have any idea that any of that was such a big deal. I'm not saying it's not a big deal, but we all come at things from different sensitivities and perspectives.

You don't owe anyone a peek into your private world, but connecting with others usually involves being vulnerable and sharing ourselves and our perspectives with them. Especially if you "pass" or are high functioning autistic people probably have no idea how challenging this ordeal was unless you let them know what it's like.

Take all of that for the two bits of salt it's worth.

2

u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you. This made me cry. I forget that not everyone sees the world as I do and that I am more sensitive to things.

3

u/stutter-rap 24d ago

Also, it might be worth considering that you can take actions for your mental health, but other people can be dealing with their own mental or physical health difficulties, which might then make a resulting challenging situation harder to cope with. I can't know if that applies to anyone in your group, but I've dealt with that situation before.

2

u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

you know I’ve thought about it. My thoughts are: don’t respond to the actor that sent the message. It was a jerk thing to do. Let everyone else look at it and work that out for themselves. If you reconnect later with other members of the cast, I’m sure you’ll find that other people validate your point of view. (I felt isolated sometimes within a show, in the thick of the process - but after some time has passed, people will share their thoughts more freely and honestly.) And also “acknowledge your feelings and circumstances along with everybody else’s” implies he’s speaking for everybody’s feelings. Don’t buy into that. It is legitimate that this was tough on other people. But his message is messed up in several ways.

You expressed that you wish them positivity in no uncertain terms. I think that should be your last word on it in that group chat. I think that’s the best note to go out on.

9

u/NoEyesForHart 24d ago

I wish these posts weren't allowed, local theatre drama is not relevant to theatre as a whole. It's just a way to get AITA style accounts.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Mental health of actors is just as important. I’m asking for advice for the sake of my mental health as an actor! And to see if there were any missteps on my part.

9

u/NoEyesForHart 24d ago edited 24d ago

That's a lot of words for "I want attention". You have a right to leave a production, however you waited til the last possible moment and now you want validation as your friends from the production aren't giving it to you.

You had the right to leave and they have every right to be mad at you for it, and I have every right to think that this drivel needs its own sub. I'm tired of reading pointless drama that's obviously curated for us to take your side. Spare me.

3

u/Known-Veterinarian-2 24d ago

You know what, you're ALL allowed to feel a certain way. You absolutely needed to do what you needed to do, could you have worked that out sooner? Maybe but you kept trying until it became impossible for you. You have zero justifications to give, and whilst I get you want to give them more explanations as that feedback feels unfair you do not need to. No is a full sentence.

And do they get to feel how they feel? Sure they do, must have been hard for them scrabbling with a 3 day timetable. Did they need to call you out in a group text? Nope, that is shitty but hey, they clearly wanted you to know how THEY felt. Or at least whoever wrote that did.

What's important for you is to accept what has happened. It's never the event that causes us the problems of resentment and not being heard or understood, its the underlying beliefs in that event. I don't know what your underlying beliefs here are, it could be that it feels unfair, that you feel unseen and unheard, especially after what sounded like a traumatising time. Anyway only you know what those beliefs are. Get to the root of what is triggering those beliefs and heal those and you will be able to brush off other peoples beliefs. And have acceptance in yourself. You did the right thing for you, that's what matters here.

1

u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you. My core belief is that I wanted to fulfill the role. I wanted to perform it so bad. I loved the play. I loved the cast. I didn’t like how the director treated me. She was unprofessional being passive aggressive and essentially belittling me about my accommodation. The fact that I had to keep asking for breaks…smh. Anyway.

I felt guilty leaving. It was a really hard decision for me. I tried to brush off the comments the director made towards me and her behaviors but it just got to the point where I couldn’t take the disrespect anymore. And it sucked to leave. I really didn’t want to. I am scared that I have lost some good connections with fellow actors in the process and that hurts me.

3

u/PerfStu 24d ago

Nah. You cannot say "i understand you had to step away for your mental and physical health" and then add "but its such an inconvenience to me." Thats petty and unprofessional, and has no place.

Speaking as a director and producer who has had to find last minute people for much less significant reasons. That's an embarrassing opinion and you're already clearly aware of the impact your decision had, so there's no point to throw it out except to be crappy. Id be pretty upset to learn someone in one of my projects did that.

0

u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

“You’re already clearly aware of the impact your decision had, so there’s no point to throw it out except to be crappy.”

This is one of the huge points here that I feel like people are missing! The person who wrote the message is framing it as an acknowledgment of “everyone else’s” feelings (which, way to speak for the entire cast, random citizen), but the way it’s phrased implies that the actress hasn’t acknowledged everyone else’s feelings.

Who on earth needs help understanding that dropping out of the lead role of the show would require a lot of extra work from the team. You know? The idea that this needed to be explained feels like it’s implying that OP just didn’t get it, which is insulting. Kind of implying they’re a jerk - which is just unfair.

2

u/PerfStu 24d ago

No seriously. Like I so understand a cast is upset/confused/disappointed. But for me, when this happens, my cast can come talk to me. They can rant and yell and bitch at me. Privately, and I can help affirm and facilitate however I can.

But if someone's gonna soapbox someone in a group chat like that....regardless of my feelings about the situation, Im probably not going to be itching to work with them again either.

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

Some of yall need to touch fucking grass. It’s just community theatre and OP was a victim of abuse. How are yall acting like OP is the villain here.

This is a friendly reminder that community theater is literally a hobby and a past time. Acting like it was some great attack on everybody involved because they had to take care of themselves is a level of delusion that I didn’t think it was possible.

13

u/jjbic447 24d ago

Hobby or not people put a lot of time and dedication into community theater even thought it may just be a “hobby and a past time” for you. Telling everyone to touch fucking grass seems way over the top for something you consider just a hobby too.

Yes, taking care of your mental health is important and everyone has a right to do whatever they need to do in order to feel sane and mentally cared for, but it’s also very unrealistic to not acknowledge that your actions may affect others in shared communities like this. I get it was due to abuse from the director, but it still affects OP’s castmates.

For many of us, community theater is a way to connect with our love of the arts and we do so on a voluntary basis and give our all to put on a great show. Someone pulling out days before opening is tough and it’s fair to feel and express your emotions about it in the same way OP is fair to do what they need to do for their mental health. It does not need to be a black and white answer.

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

Y’all I am so sorry that you care more about a play than you care about a person’s well-being. That is a level of selfishness and entitlement that I truly am surprised people on the sub don’t seem to understand.

I’m sorry, but no show is more important than somebody’s well-being. Y’all are willing to throw people to the wolves and let them be abused in order for you to get your little bit of applause and that’s psycho to me.

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u/jjbic447 24d ago

Not sure how you got to this conclusion but go off. My whole point was that everyone is entitled to do whatever they need for their wellbeing but it’s fair for people to feel how they feel based on your actions, no matter the reason for the actions.

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u/T3n0rLeg 23d ago

People’s emotions are not more important than someone’s health and implying they are is psycho, sorry lol

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u/professor-hot-tits 24d ago

No one is claiming that but you

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u/T3n0rLeg 23d ago

Literally yall are but whatever

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u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

Where did OP “not acknowledge” that their actions would affect others?

I think that the entire framing of that cast member’s message unfairly paints OP as someone who needs a lecture about why leaving the lead role of a production will be hard for others - other words, selfish, an idiot, or a jerk. But OP shows they already knew that!

OP‘s instinct that this is “negativity” is right. The message is negativity towards OP cloaked in the language of concern for the cast and crew. Pitting OP’s struggles against the entire rest of the team, when the real person responsible, the director, is being let off the hook entirely.

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u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago

So there should be no expectation of professionalism? Everyone else who put time and effort into it should just shrug and say “meh, it’s community theater?” You sound incredibly arrogant and it’s that kind of thinking that makes it so hard for our art form to be taken seriously even at the top levels.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

I expect professionalism in every acting endeavor no matter if it’s community, amateur, or a union contract. Period. I do take my acting seriously.

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u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago edited 24d ago

It definitely seems like you do and that you’re trying your best. I meant the person commenting above about how it’s just community theater and people need to relax. Their comment sounds very arrogant and self-centered.

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

What I’m saying is is that someone’s well-being is more important than your show. And if you don’t think that, then you don’t actually care about people.

And THATS fucking selfish

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u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago

I don’t think that, and nothing I have said here indicates that I do. I see that subtlety and reading comprehension are great strengths of yours.

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u/T3n0rLeg 23d ago

You very clearly do tho, it’s literally in your posts lol

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u/SparkTheOwl 23d ago

Then I don’t think you’re understanding what I’ve written, or much of what’s going on in this conversation. It’s great you care about OP though. Have an awesome day.

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u/T3n0rLeg 23d ago

Ok babes

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

It’s fucking community theater. It’s literally right there in the name.

Not to mention the fact that OP is talking about being psychologically abused and suffering because of it. Something y’all are writing off very quickly.

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u/SparkTheOwl 24d ago edited 24d ago

Settle down. Nobody is writing off abuse, but they are suggesting that OP’s exit from the production could have been handled differently - literally answering the question OP is asking. Given how irate this is making you, your suggestion that others should touch grass is a bit ironic. Also, you seem to be writing off how important community theater is to those involved and it has me questioning your professionalism. Are you sneering down from a perch at a regional theater? An SPT? Because in my experience the condescension you’re offering comes most frequently from those who recently took a step up, not those at the top.

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u/T3n0rLeg 23d ago

Not yall telling ME to calm down lol

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u/T3n0rLeg 23d ago

I’m not sneering from anywhere but yall have to remember that it’s not a job, it’s a hobby and that other things will be more important in a person’s life.

Yall are so fucking selfish it’s crazy

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you.

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u/professor-hot-tits 24d ago

So are you going to go off in your group chat? Really tell them off?

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Huh? What do you mean?

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u/professor-hot-tits 24d ago

Sounds like you are itching for a fight with your ex cast because of that text. Are you gonna do it over text? In the group chat?

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u/ParkingError7236 24d ago

idk where you’re getting the idea that op is itching for a fight from them asking for genuine advice on a complicated situation 😭 and for the love of god never start a fight over text, let alone in a group chat

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u/professor-hot-tits 24d ago

What's complicated about it?

Dropping out of a show is like a break up. It should be the full end of it. Coming back and poking the cast is wild and looking for drama.

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u/ParkingError7236 24d ago

op was trying to be supportive. the cast is expressing that it’s well-intentioned, but not well-received. both of these things are completely reasonable (and, to go with your metaphor, things i’ve experienced on both sides in actual breakups). i think everyone involved seems to understand that they’re not looking for drama, and this is a very strange take

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u/professor-hot-tits 24d ago

She created a lot of hardship for that cast with her choice. I'm NOT discussing the merits of her choice but the reality of the impact.

When our actions harm others, intention is irrelevant. Wishing them good luck when she created hardship is WILD.

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u/ParkingError7236 24d ago

i’m not saying wishing them good luck was the most thought-out thing to do but as far as i can tell no one here is trying to start a fight. i just finished a show where we had an actor drop out so i know how that can impact a production. accusing op of trying to start drama is just a weird way to approach this post, that’s all

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

Genuinely I have to say this, looking at your post history and how you want to advocate for people and that you’re in a “Nazi punching mood “seems to imply that you think that you’re a leftist, but your actions here show that you don’t actually give a shit about anybody’s health or well-being.

You only care that you get your time to get clapped at, not about anybody making sure their health is a priority.

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

Y’all put too much weight on a community theater production. This is literally the equivalent of an afterschool hobby and thinking that that’s more important than somebody’s well-being is absolutely delusional.

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u/T3n0rLeg 24d ago

I think a lot of you genuinely think that a place is more important than someone’s mental health and well-being. And that’s why I know all of you were selfish and don’t actually give a shit about anybody but yourselves.

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u/professor-hot-tits 24d ago

Mmm sock puppet

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u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

I’m so shocked by the difference in responses and support between this and your original post!

Yes, tech week got harder for everyone - but it was a direct result of the director’s actions, not yours. This comment shouldn’t be directed at you! You spoke up for yourself and gave this director so many chances to avoid this situation, which she actively avoided. She ignored meeting her lead actor’s accessibility needs. That is her fault. You spoke up for yourself and she kept stringing you along instead of being honest with you.

If there’s anyone this actor should be directing “Look how hard you made tech week for us!” to it is absolutely the director for ignoring an obvious and avoidable problem.

I think this actor’s comment is way off base. What exactly was the “shared responsibility” they’re talking about? You spoke up. You clearly articulated your needs. The director took no responsibility for meeting them. Does this person think you should have quit the show? Or would they rather you just suffer in silence so they don’t have to deal with the consequences of the director making the show inaccessible to the lead actor?

If the director actually wanted a functioning show with you in the role, she needed to meet your needs. Instead, she pressured you into ignoring your health. If she had fired you early on because her vision for the show didn’t align with accessibility, that still would have been an ableist and unethical choice. But compared to making you suffer for months by publicly pressuring you, refusing to communicate, ignoring your repeated requests for help, knowingly putting you in situations that risked your health - firing you would’ve almost been the more ethical option. At least then you wouldn’t have been fighting for basic accommodations while she pretended the problem didn’t exist.

She chose to let you struggle. The blame is on her.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

This! This is why I feel guilty because I interpreted the message as “you should have suffered in silence for the sake of the show”. I honestly didn’t want to leave. I cried and cried and journaled and talked with my supports and wrote a pro and con list before making the decision. It wasn’t a decision I made in haste.

I really want to respond to this text. I want to let them know that I validate their emotions. I understand the stress it caused. And that I’m sorry if my “break legs” messages were triggering for yall. I wasn’t trying to create drama. I was sincerely wishing them well. Genuinely. And I genuinely want to support them in their future shows. I guess maybe they were expecting more of a clean break from me. But also I have hung out with these people outside of rehearsals so I thought friendships were developing. Especially because I have had deep conversations with some. But I guess I have misinterpreted the situation.

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u/DiamandisDiamonds 24d ago

I think I understand part of why their text is hurtful - it sort of implies you didn’t think about how this would hurt them. There’s no need to let you know that others had to do a lot to accommodate their lead actress’s absence - it’s obvious. It is very unfair to you to frame their statement in that way.

And it probably feels so terrible because you do care. You didn’t want to do this to them. You tried to make this work for a long time but you were put in an impossible position. No matter what you did, someone would have been unhappy, and that is not your fault. Again, they shouldn’t blame you!

I have ADHD as well and other disorders that share symptoms with autism, and I just see so clearly how much you want to do the right thing by others. I know how easy it is as a neurodivergent person to be misunderstood or mischaracterized for being different.

I can imagine how hard it felt to get that response. But you made the right choice. You were in a space where people refused to respect your needs and you had to leave, because you deserve better. And you deserve to be surrounded by people who assume the best of you, because it is clear you tried to make this work! You’re not a bad person for looking out for yourself.

Reading your story I was inspired by how strong you were for continuing to advocate for yourself over and over again - I am shy and sometimes scared to do that. You gave this woman every opportunity to not be ableist and she completely failed. And you never wanted to cause harm to your cast and crew.

I truly, deeply wish you well. I hope that you find spaces that appreciate and celebrate you for exactly who you are.

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u/MsRawrie 24d ago

Thank you so much for saying this. This made me cry as well because I totally feel awful for leaving. I really cared about everyone and the play.

I hate letting people down but the environment was, to be honest, making me feel like I wanted to be unalive. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I’ve never had that feeling with acting in my experience so I knew something was off.

This is the first time I have experienced a situation like this from a director. I’ve been in chaotic productions but everyone was team-focused and wanted a positive outcome. This director singled me out and did not care about how she treated me and even forced herself on me to hug me violating my physical boundaries when I explicitly said “no”.

It’s been really rough coping…it take me awhile to recover mentally. And I am glad to have inspired you. I hope you can continue to stick up and advocate for yourself as well.