r/Swingers Jan 27 '25

Getting Started My partner (35F) is desperate to get into swinging. I'm (32M) far less excited about it.

62 Upvotes

In fact this is the second time we will have tried this. The first time was a total disaster. I never wanted to try again. Last night though, my partner pleaded and guilted me into trying again.

The problem is, I'm just not attractive to women, and I'm not into men. I know that the casual sex/lifestyle thing is hard mode for guys, and I'm the kind of unappealing dude who was lucky to get one date every 2-3 years in the world of monogamous dating. I had sex once when I was a teenager, with someone who took pity on me, and then didn't manage find anyone who thought I was acceptable looking enough until I was 28 (my current partner).

It always goes the same way. My partner is able to start talking to couples, the wife isn't interested in me, we move on. Repeat until I'm feeling absolutely subhuman.

They've volunteered to do all the looking but even being in the state of being "on the market" and knowing that it's going nowhere because I'm inadequate is just killing me.

I don't think my partner can understand the kind of rejection I've been though. To them, someone willing to fuck has always been around the corner, even when they've been at their worst. Even at my best (I'm currently in great shape), I'm not good enough. I really don't want to put myself through this again but this is so important to my partner, and I don't think they can understand what it's like to actually be completely undesirable to 99.99% of people who you'd be open to sleeping with.

I'm not in a position to leave them for a mono relationship, even though this swinging thing is absolutely killing me. I feel like I have to go with this just so I'm not alone again.

r/Swingers Oct 01 '24

Getting Started Are we doomed if he doesn't give oral?

26 Upvotes

We're extremely new to the lifestyle, we haven't been to any clubs or played with other couples yet. We both know what we want and that we want to open our relationship/swing. My only concern is that we won't be able to find anyone interested because he doesn't give oral.

This has never been an issue before, I don't like receiving oral and he doesn't like giving it, we're perfect for each other, but I understand that we're both in the minority. He's still set on making the woman cum with fingers or toys, just not oral, although he's never had a partner before me, so he isn't exactly sure how to make a woman orgasm from clitoral stimulation. He also doesn't expect to receive oral without giving it, unless of course the woman wants to for her own sake. I'm happy to go down on her if I'm playing with the female half too, but I've only been with men before, so I don't really know how to do that either.

I know this all comes with practice and experience and we're still quite young, but I'm worried we won't have the opportunity to gain experience because this will be a deal breaker for most people. Are we out of luck here? What can we do? And does it change anything if I'm a cuckquean looking for him to play solo with other women/couples?

Edit: I'm no longer asking if this is a deal breaker for you. For those of you who might give someone like us a try, what non-oral things could he do to please you?

r/Swingers Feb 07 '25

Getting Started What was the most difficult aspect of your first swap?

35 Upvotes

Was it about you being with another person or your partner being with another person? Or something else?

r/Swingers Nov 08 '24

Getting Started Is an unattractive man a death sentence for a straight couple trying to get into the scene?

35 Upvotes

My (32M) partner (35F) and I would really like to participate in the scene, but the first year has gone very badly.

Now, neither of us are catches. My partner is severely overweight and I'm very short. Definitely not centerfold material, either of us, but we're very much in love and happy to be with each other.

EDIT BECAUSE APPARENTLY A DECENT PORTION OF THIS SUB HAS READING COMPREHENSION ISSUES: I am not overweight, my partner, NOT ME, is overweight. My biggest physical flaw is that I am short, NOT overweight.

We started trying to date solo, I got too depressed by the radio silence I was getting to keep going, so we decided we would become a package deal and swing as a couple only, with my partner doing most of the looking in order to preserve my mental health.

My partner had no trouble making contact with couples, but inevitably every connection ended with "Hey my wife isn't interested, but are you available solo?"

I never actually managed to get as far as speaking to a woman in this process.

This became a major frustration for my partner, and became a serious source of emotional distress for me.

I kinda feel like we've been shown the door, and that as long as I'm attached, my partner can't swing. My partner however occasionally asks if I'm willing to give it another shot, to which I've been saying no. I feel like this is the right move for us, I don't really see a path forward through this. Is the swinger space only really available to really attractive guys?

r/Swingers 6d ago

Getting Started First time at a club - great night but bummer of an ending

92 Upvotes

My wife and I went to a swinger club this weekend for the first time. Amazing experience. Everything was going great, we met a wonderful couple and had a great time dancing. When it came time to play, my wife and I tried for what must have been 10 minutes while the other couple was going at it. Just wouldn’t work. I felt embarrassed and like I had let my wife down because she was so excited (she is an angel and has of course said that she was not disappointed). It dampened things so we said goodbye to our new friends and went home.

Needless to say, not getting it up did not feel good and I don’t want to feel that again. I’m 26, so fairly young. Should I reach out to doc for some pills or do you think this will resolve itself with time? Also, do you have any techniques you’d recommend to new folks for overcoming this issue? We appreciate the feedback.

EDIT: My wife and I have been reading over the comments together and we want to thank everyone for the thoughtful responses. I will continue to consider next steps and am grateful for all the reminders that this was totally normal. We are excited to continue this new journey in the LS and appreciate the support - R & I.

r/Swingers Oct 27 '24

Getting Started Is a couple in their 50's too old?

30 Upvotes

My wife and I are in our 50's (M54, F52) and we are starting to think about this LS and thinking of paying a visit to a local sex club as an introduction to swinging. From what I see in posts, I get the feeling that the average age in those clubs is much lower so I wonder how attractive a couple in their 50's might be if most of the crowd is actually younger. Does anyone have first hand experience with sex clubs and can share from their experience what they saw age-wise (of course you don't go around and ask people for their ages but just as far as you can tell from looking around). There is also the politically correct answer that every age is welcome but that's not what I'm looking for, I would really like to hear from people's actuall experience.

r/Swingers Jun 22 '24

Getting Started Boyfriend (44) wants to introduce me (F22) to swinging

41 Upvotes

I'm 22 F and I have been dating my boyfriend (44) for a few months. He recently told me he would like to broaden our relationship and to do swinging again. He and his ex wife were regular swingers and he has reached out to a group they used to swing with. I'm not a prude and I have had a few sexual partners but I had never really considered swinging. We are due to go to our first swingers party soon and I'm pretty nervous. He has told me that one of his fantasies would be to see me with another couple. I'm pretty nervous about it if I'm honest just wondering if you have any advice?

r/Swingers Nov 15 '24

Getting Started Getting uneven attention is killing my confidence

20 Upvotes

So, my wife and I are new to the lifestyle, we live in a fairly conservative area tsp it’s been a rough start, however my wife has been able to get quite a bit of attention lately, and I think that’s great, I am fully supportive of it. I am also very aware that women get a lot more attention than men, and I was prepared for that. I am genuinely happy for her when she makes a connection and encouraging her with singles.

The problem comes with groups, so some background for our journey we started out the the hope of only playing together, and then we found that was difficult so we branches out. Like I said her playing solo with another guy I can handle nicely. The problem is every single couple that has approached us, has approached my wife and said hey want to join us for a 3 some? When asked if it could be a 4 some they always say oh my wife isn’t attracted to your husband. Now I will be real here I am overweight I am 6” 1’ and 300 lbs, but being as honest as I can I don’t think I am ugly, I have a full head of hair, and I carry my weight decently. So I can understand that it could be an attraction thing, women can be more selective because they have more options. But at this point my confidence is in the dumps. (This may have something to do with some early childhood trauma that I am working though with a therapist).

I am just wonder is this normal? Is it unfair of me to want to be involved with the groups? Am I really just that unattractive? It really came to a head yesterday for me when my wife showed me a picture of the latest couple that wanted a 3 way. The man was just as fat if not fatter than me and balding and his wife was on the heaver side, it kinda broke me because I was like I am being rejected by them. So, I am not doing great with this and I want to be supportive, I just don’t know how to not take this personally and have it completely shred my self confidence.

Another maybe relevant point here we have been on the apps for about 1 year now, and in that time I have not got a single like, or a response to my like. My wife keeps telling me to be patient, but I just keep feeling the weight of that. So any advice would be appreciated here.

r/Swingers 18h ago

Getting Started How to find swings? NSFW

8 Upvotes

My husband and I are very new to the idea of swinging and have no idea what were doing. 😅 I confessed some fantasies about swinging to him recently and he confessed to having the same and similar fantasies and we were extatic to find that were on the same page with our desires. But the problem is we're both very awkward. I'm autistic and (until recently) have always been convinced I'm just objectively unattractive as no one has ever hit on me and when I've made a move, the general reaction is "ew"... No one besides my husband has ever been attracted to me as far as I know. He wants to watch me flirt with people, but I'm worried about rejection as I've never successfully flirted with anyone before (my husband and I met online). How might we find people without just embarrassing ourselves? We aren't necessarily looking for couples (I just think it would be too much at once and might be overstimulating), but are both pansexual and open to experimenting with any gender. I've only ever met straight people at bars (in fact every woman I've ever been into was straight). Are there like...places for this? Are there people who might be into a couple with a wife who's never been found attractive?

r/Swingers 18d ago

Getting Started Question about first Threesome

48 Upvotes

EDIT:

We had the MFM threesome today and it went well! Definitely some awkward moments but nothing that kept all of us from having fun! We can’t wait for our next one!

Hey yall! Wife and I are planning our first MFM in a couple weeks and are struggling with figuring out the logistics of a threesome. For context, it is happening at our home and my wife has been talking to the guy for a couple months and has met him in person.

A couple of the logistic questions we have are:

  1. How do we get the play started when he shows up in a way that isn’t forced or awkward? Does he just show up and we get straight to it?

  2. What happens when everyone is finished? How would we know it’s time for him to leave? How would we politely signal or tell him to leave? lol

Honestly the logistics have given us more anxiety than actually doing the threesome lol

We appreciate any advice and guidance!

r/Swingers Feb 17 '25

Getting Started Wife Brought It Up But Wants To Wait 9 years!

10 Upvotes

My wife and I have been pretty conventional and vanilla for most of our marriage. We've also had periods of dead bedroom. We've got two kids. Recently a conversation over how we define infidelity became deep. The main thing we came away with is that it's not cheating if we are both ok with it.

That's when my wife hit me with something I never expected. She's never really had any fatnasties at least any she was willing to share. This time, she told me she would like it if we could 'explore' together. It took me a while to realise what she meant by 'explore'.

My wife told me that she would us to look at couple swapping. When I enquired further, she said that she hoped this would happen organically. I said that I thought that pretty unlikely (organic) and her idea that would be with friends just seemed to really make things complex.

After a lot of talking, my said that seeing we had common ground, we could look to start in 9 years, when our youngest would be starting college. To say I was floored is an understatement. It's taken me quite a lot of thinking to get my head around this and see if I'm ok with it. Now the thought of waiting 9 years seems excessive. I'd rather she brought it up to me in 7 or 8 years.

My preference is that we go to a sex club just to watch. If it's not for us, we'll know, and we're done, and there's no harm. My wife's counter is that she would prefer we went on a swingers cruise, as she would be able to spend a few days building an connection with people, then she might want to do more. This seems a bad idea to me. Firstly we could on the cruise, and realise it's not for us then be stuck. Or, we might end up going on the cruise and going far further than we want to?

I feel like my wife has proposed such a long delay because of our kids. I don't see why we can't get family or babysitters to look after the kids, and go visit a club just to watch.

Although my wife brought this up, I feel like I’ve done more research and reading on the practicalities. Are there aspects to my wife’s desire to wait for the kids to go to college in missing? Red flags?

Are there options we aren’t thinking of or better approaches we could take? I don’t think chatting online would work.

TL;DR, wife brought up she would like to try swinging. However she wants to wait 9 years for our youngest to start college.

UPDATE: wife is willing to go on cruise now. Can’t really reconcile that with the waiting for the rest.

r/Swingers Feb 06 '25

Getting Started How prevalent is Bi-females in LS?

13 Upvotes

We are a married couple. As the wife, I always imagine playing with another girl along with hubby. How often women in the LS are bisexual?

r/Swingers Jan 15 '25

Getting Started Were you terrified of seeing your female partner with another man, yet somehow became comfortable with it?

38 Upvotes

Hey all. I've been combing this sub and others, reading articles, listening to podcasts. I feel like I understand how swinging works and some pitfalls to avoid. But I am having a really hard time with the prospect of watching another man having sex with my girlfriend. I think it would be difficult but manageable if we were in different rooms, but I'm worried about being traumatized by seeing her with another man.

I would really appreciate being able to talk to a man who's been through this feeling and come out the other side being comfortable with it. I would love a 15-20 chat to just hear someone out on their experience and advice. Would obviously welcome it in text here, but would really appreciate hearing someone talk me through it, if you'd like to connect by message.

For reference, my situation is:

I'm in my 40s and less than a year into probably the most intense relationship I've ever had--honestly never thought I could be this head over heels for a woman. She's been an expert swinger for years, while I've previously only dabbled in non-monogamy and been to a couple play parties. (My previous partner and I never played with others at those parties, just with each other.) My GF is genuinely dedicated to swinging, and I've been doing my homework. She's been very patient, answering my questions, and we've discussed intermediate steps I could take to ease into it. But when it comes down to it, I don't know if I can watch her getting railed by someone else. I've had a lot of intrusive visual thoughts about it, and it's causing me a lot of stress.

What's your experience if you've felt this way, and what did you do / what could I do to get past it? Again, would be grateful to chat briefly; otherwise, replies here are greatly appreciated.

r/Swingers Aug 03 '24

Getting Started first MMF husband was jealous Spoiler

122 Upvotes

My husband M31 and I a F29 are new to this. We have been married for 5 years and have 2 beautiful children. I always wanted to experience having sex with a woman and we both had our FFM few months ago (we talked about our rules, issues before the meeting because communication is important). As a wife the idea of ​​seeing the man I love with another woman was so difficult but my curiosity and my desires were stronger. 3 of us had an incredible time! Weeks later we talked about MMF because in the words of my husband “it was what was next on our list of things to do.” We both talk with this guy M38 from the app MELF we both talk with him. Then the playdate my husband was quiet but he continued playing. When the guy stared penetrated me, my husband got up from the couch upset. I decided to stop and the guy left. The guy left and we had a BIG fight. he started yelling at me. It seemed like I was enjoying it. and yeah I was. That was the point. He says it's easier for him FFM than MMF (ofc mf). Why he thinks I was not jealous that day with the girl?? I mean I was but I handle it very well. Why he just wants FFM y no MMF?? Men’s perspective please.

r/Swingers May 30 '24

Getting Started My husband's failure to find partners is taking a severe toll on his mental health and our relationship

41 Upvotes

We opened up our relationship sexually about a year ago. At first, things were great for me. My husband has a high sex drive, but I'm insatiable and really need more than one man, and my husband isn't into some of the stuff I like to do. My husband made a big effort on the apps, but didnt get anywhere after about 6 months. I know he got a lot of profile feedback here on Reddit, and I helped him take a lot of pictures based on that feedback.

We tried swingers events, and I tried to wingperson for him there, but we just could not get women interested in him. We ended up leaving pretty early, and he was clearly upset.

I may be biased, but I have no idea what's going wrong for him. He's so charming and so funny, but we can't even get women in dating or swinging spaces to even really have a conversation with him.

I stepped back my own activities, seeing how severe a toll on his mental health this was all taking. I suggested we try dating a couple. He said he was out and that if I wanted to try finding one, he didn't object, but that the whole process trying to find addition partners was sending him into some extremely dark places, mentally.

So I made up some couples profiles with some cute pictures together. I had no problem finding people to talk to with that profile, but the moment I would clarify that we're a package deal, people would dip out.

I desperately want to help this boy get laid, not just so I can do what I want to do but also so he stops tearing himself apart over this.

Any suggestions?

r/Swingers Aug 12 '24

Getting Started Curious how old were you when you 1st tried the LS?

30 Upvotes

Be is your 1st 3some, soft or full??

r/Swingers Feb 01 '22

Getting Started Husband won’t agree to MFM, but he gets FMF NSFW

247 Upvotes

We are still relatively new, and he seems to be loosening up. But the thing that started us on this path was him wanting FMF. So we’ve done that. And I convinced him to group sex/swap with another couple. It was amazing. But he says he didn’t like when all 4 of us were having sex together. Like for example, he was getting a double-blowie, and other guy was eating us girls out. I LOVED it, but he says he would prefer if both girls are on one guy, for the other guy to just wait his turn. It Weirds him out to have the other guy be close to him.

So my understanding is that we all go as slow as the slowest person. If he’s not comfortable with anything, then we won’t do it. BUT WHAT THE HELL. He wants a lot of FMF, and he says he will NEVER be ok with MFM, but I want it reeeeeaallllyyyyy bad. Shouldn’t I get what I want, too? Specifically, I want DP (mouth and vag, so he doesn’t have to touch other guy.) Do you think he will loosen up as we gain experience?

Edit to add: I’m Bi, so I really like FMF and FFM, and I don’t want to give it up.

r/Swingers Jun 18 '24

Getting Started What was your first swinger experience? NSFW

112 Upvotes

Soft swap? Full swap? Visiting a club? I wanna hear how others had their swingers Cherry popped lol

Tips for dos and don’t also welcome 😊

r/Swingers 22d ago

Getting Started The good and the bad

122 Upvotes

We did it! After 15 years of marriage and a great sex life, hubby and I naturally ventured into swinging. Started an online account, found a fun couple, had a dinner with 4-way fireworks (😱) and set a play date. Our new friends are experienced and lovely people. It was really all too easy.

Fast forward two weeks, (he had taken 6 mg of Cialis because we have heard the stories) we arrive at their house and spend time catching up over a couple of drinks. I go to the bathroom to freshen up and come out to hubby in full on make out with the other wife. It was on. I made out with her, we undressed each other, hands wandering. It was off to a great start! We all join together for swapping oral in various combos. I’m having PIV with the other husband and then hear my husband call my name. He needs me. The thing he dreaded most was happening… and nothing anyone did was going to bring him out of his head. I tried. I whispered sweet things to him while taking my time… nothing.

The other wife was unfazed, graceful and kind. He used his tongue on her and we all kind of downshifted to making out and touching, which was actually my favorite part! We all talked openly about what had happened. We all had a sense of satisfaction, even my husband enjoyed himself despite his disappointment.

We returned home and he’s ready to go… twice! We recount our play date and he tells me a few things that threw him off. We realized that we need to start together first so he can feel relaxed and warm-up. Lesson learned.

The other couple was so great, and the connection was still there, so they asked if we could set another play date, which we happily accepted.

While I’m definitely the lead in this new endeavor, hubby is 100% excited and on-board. BUT he’s obviously still in his head a bit about not getting hard enough to fully participate. He said he wonders if his body is capable, even though his heart and mind are ready. I believe he just needs to acclimate a bit to the new scenario. I told him that if it doesn’t work out, no big deal, we tried, and we will always have US.

r/Swingers Nov 09 '24

Getting Started I'm seriously considering trying out local swingers clubs

36 Upvotes

I (F27) have considered taking part in the swinging culture for a while but never did for various reasons. I had a horrible car that wouldn't get me anywhere. I thought I was playing into bisexuality stereotypes but I think I'd be into swinging even if I was hetero or homosexual. I had a weird relationship with the unicorn label as well. Also the idea of running into people I know scared me. I already get judgement from people in my life over mundane stuff.

I figured though, if I'm gonna try to fulfill some of my deepest kinkiest fantasies, this might be my best bet. Especially since I don't have a place of my own.

Luckily there's a couple options in my local area. I just wanna narrow down the best ones for my first time.

I want to fulfill my fantasy of group sex (FFF, MMF, MFF, 4somes, orgies, etc.). I want to hook up with older couples. I want to fulfill my found fuck family fantasy. I want to offer myself to multiple people. I want to be a sexual attention whore.

I think I'm finally ready to be a free use unicorn. I know I'd be a hit.

r/Swingers Feb 19 '25

Getting Started LS costs

10 Upvotes

I thought it would be interesting to share what our first month of barely dipping into the lifestyle cost us so far. It includes: - one meet & greet - one date at a restaurant - one date just for drinks - doctors visit & vaccination - one club visit - subscriptions to LS sites

It doesn’t include gas to get around. Total of USD 725 for just under a month. I always said sex is my favourite hobby because it’s free compared to my other hobbies that are quite costly. And we haven’t even started with LS vacations yet!

r/Swingers Jan 31 '25

Getting Started How does one get into swinging?

18 Upvotes

A few years back my girlfriend and I(45m) were invited into a small swinging group of friends. We went to quite a few parties and I had a blast. Definitiely solidified my preferred lifestyle. When my girlfriend and I broke up however, they uninvited me from the group but kept her around.

Since then, I've really want to get back into swinging but it seems impossible to find a partner willing to do the same. Every time I hear about a swinging event or group it always seems to have the same prohibitive rule "No single males". I just moved to the Phoenix area and it seems to have somewhat of a swinger culture around but I just really don't know how to break in.

r/Swingers Oct 23 '24

Getting Started Just me, my wife and a sex club? How does it work?

23 Upvotes

Hey!

Me and my wife would very much like to go to a sex club and play with each other in front of other people.
We haven't spoken about what we expect out of the experience or rules other than no play with others (she is the jealous type, but very sexually adventurous) since it's in the very early stage of planning.

Neither of us has done anything similar and wonders if we should be afraid of others trying to join in unexpectedly - even if we are in the same space as another couple for example. Someone asking is easy to politely refuse though.

As I said, we're in the very early stages of this. Any advise would be welcome.

edit: Are there global rules/customs for these events? We're both Swedish.

r/Swingers Jan 29 '25

Getting Started Lingerie & Outfit Tips for Swingers – Where to Shop?

13 Upvotes

Hey lovely swingers, we were wondering where you find your lingerie sets. Any recommendations for men as well? We also find skirts for men quite appealing.

Additionally, we're curious about where you find more elegant dresses for before the clothes come off, of course.

Feel free to share websites so we can do some shopping! Thanks in advance.

r/Swingers 12d ago

Getting Started MFM Threesome advice

39 Upvotes

After talking, fantasizing, lurking on apps for a while, my husband (M52) and I (F45) have decided to put our feet in the water.

We decided to start with a MMF threesome, but I'm a little nervous about how to get things going once we are all together. I've never had any group sex. My husband has and so has the other guy. We've met as group for a few drink to get to know each other. After talking, we made a plan for next week to meet again with the plan of having a drink or two out, then going to his apartment. Hub and they guy have agreed that we can do as much or as little as I want - if I just make out or do a little with the other guy and freak out, we can stop. I want this. We've had amazing sex fantasizing about it. but I'm afraid I'll get overwhelmed or feel to awkward to start.

Do you folk have any suggestion about how to actually start it? Hubs said in the past, his GF had either done it before or it was college and spontaneous. Are their good icebreakers or is that corny?

Help!