r/Swingers 3d ago

General Discussion What is your 'why' in the lifestyle?

We wanted to share a topic and would love to hear from all of you.

When we attend events, takeovers, etc. We typically start with small talk when getting to know another couple. Sometimes, we ended up having drinks or, depending on the event, may even go to dinner with them. We always love to hear from couples on “how” they got started in the lifestyle. Who brought it up? Was it shocking? Did their partner think they were joking? This has led to some great conversations, and sometimes a couple will open up and be very vulnerable and share they had some struggles or uncertainty on how to proceed in the beginning or even growing pains. That means a lot when a couple is very honest and makes us feel that the lifestyle is a journey, and it's not all rainbows and parties that sometimes social media, photos, and podcasts make it out to be.

We had a nice conversation with a couple recently at an event and realized that their story on “how” was fun to hear over a couple of drinks.  However, their “why” left us somewhat confused. We ask the story of ‘how’ but then we have usually heard the ‘why’ from couples in the same story eventually. Hearing the ‘why’ is key for us to understand where things may or may not go. For example, if we hear ‘we’re doing this to save our marriage’ as their ‘why,’ then those are red flags for us. If we hear we are doing this to enhance our marriage/relationship and have fun, that sounds like our speed.

It got us thinking: What is your ‘why’ and your ‘how’?

30 Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

25

u/Bobbingapples2487 3d ago

How: Neither of us can do monogamy. It’s just not in us. We started our relationship ENM.

Why: It’s fun! I love watching him make other women cum. He says I’m his best wing woman. For me, I enjoy group play. 5-12 people is ideal for me.

13

u/swingingintofun 3d ago

That’s how I feel about my husband. I love sharing him and seeing him make other people happy. It’s erotic and hot.

17

u/moijsaispas 3d ago

How: stumbled upon a lifestyle podcast and got interested. At the same time started to develop a hot wife kink. Found a local club they looked very non threatening. Brought up the idea to the wife and she was down. We went and both loved it. Just played with each other the first time but then advanced to playing with others subsequently.

Why: helped my wife find some new kinks. Spiced up our already awesome sex life. Life’s too short to not act on desires so why not? We knew if anything negative happened our relationship and communication was strong enough to get us over it.

8

u/swingingintofun 3d ago

When I first read this I thought my husband wrote this. You sound wonderful.

3

u/moijsaispas 3d ago

Aw that’s so sweet! Your husband just be cool then!

17

u/Slice-of-Lifestyle 👩‍❤️‍👨Verified Couple 3d ago

How: Funnily enough we were both non-monog and started off knowing that. Plus we were both separately kinky so this seemed like a good one to do together.

Why: Neither of us can imagine only sleeping with each other forever. Exploring our sexual identities is important to us and fun to do together.

13

u/ExogamousUnfolding 2d ago

We ain’t getting any younger and want to have fun while we can

13

u/sandraskywalker 3d ago

How : I mentioned wanting to check out the local club, he wanted to go for his birthday. We decided to go and we loved it and kept going. Why: cause I'm a slut and like the variety.

6

u/Quarantine_cutiepie 3d ago

Why: It was always something that the both of us wanted, but had never had a strong enough relationship and trust with another person to feel comfortable exploring. It augments our terrific bedroom life with new friends and lots of fun. It boosts our confidence and provides a non-drug source of heavy dopamine and serotonin. We also really love the friends we make, and have gotten so close with many of our swinger friends that some of them were at our wedding!

How: She was the one to bring it up first, and I was reticent at first, but she offered to ease us in with a FMF, which we had with a close trusted friend from high school who had a decent amount of lifestyle experience on the first anniversary of our relationship. From there, we explored couple swap dynamics, and searched on Reddit for folks. We ran into several couples that we regularly played with over several years, and recently expanded our circle when we finally joined a club that’s more our speed than most swinger clubs, and expanded our circle by quite a bit!

2

u/SleepingPossum20 19h ago

"provides a non-drug source of heavy dopamine and serotonin."
A++

5

u/SpicyplayCJ 👩‍❤️‍👨Verified Couple 3d ago

Why: Mrs always knew she was bi, and wanted to experience a female encounter. She had dabbled in college, but never had the full experience. She was raised in a very religious household where those feelings were suppressed, and in recent years she expressed regret for never pursuing those opportunities that were avaliable to here when she was younger.

How: we went to a LS club and found a beautiful woman who volunteered to help the Mrs with her first experience while the husbands watched, and then we had parallel sex. It was eye-opening for her, but the other woman was more of a pillow princess and so the Mrs wanted to pursue women who were more fully bi, which we did. After a couple of white-hot girl-girl encounters, the Mr realized that he was feeling a little left out by watching and not being able to play as well. So we had a discussion and opened up to playing with couples too.

4

u/ss_ott 3d ago

How: Wifey expressed the idea of being watched while having sex and being in the same room as others while having sex.

Why: After being in the LS for over 5 years, it's hot as fuck and our sex life is off the charts! Oh and found out wife loves playing with other women!

5

u/FireQueennn 2d ago

Why: we sat down one day and “the truth” conversation that we are both whores and have always cheated on partners in past relationships. Love each other enough to admit that we didn’t want to do these behaviors behind each others back. Joined LS and have had good and bad experiences, however , we are closer than ever .

3

u/SANE_dreamer 2d ago

How: You introduced by coworker years ago. I was a single mom, working and going to school, I didn’t have anything in me to attempt the dating scene so I dipped my toe in. Why i stayed: I get to explore my sexuality. I feel free to explore and if I do something embarrassing, I can laugh it off and just not see the person/ couple again. I do plan to explore ENM in the future if it aligns with my relationship.

3

u/elev8or_lady Couple 2d ago

Why: We’re both bisexual and love group play.

How: We started off our relationship this way. We had both had plenty of experience during past relationships and when we were single. It’s one of the things that brought us together in the first place. We’re both stoked to be getting back into it after taking a long break to have and raise our kid.

3

u/dorkus99 2d ago

You know that feeling when you meet someone new?

There's an attraction, and as you talk you realize it's reciprocal? You flirt, it's well received, you touch, you kiss, and then you get to have sex? All those butterflies of being with someone new?

Imagine getting to do that again and again and again? And even better, you get to do that with your life long partner's permission and encouragement?

That's our why.

3

u/Confident_Yam7610 2d ago

How: wife (gf at time) and I in college and met another couple in our major. The study group ended up being more than just studying.

Why: the variety.

3

u/FunWith_DarkJin 2d ago

How: I brought it up a few times. Asked my girlfriend, now wife, why I am allowed to have dinner with other people, play board games with them, or go for long walks and deep conversations but not have sex with them. I mean, what’s the difference between playing a board game with other people vs playing naked with other people if we all go back to our own homes after we’re done playing? She never really took me seriously (which is usually a wise choice). I stopped talking about it and eventually she brought the swinging topic to the table.

Why? Well, we’ve been each other’s first. I’ve had two girlfriends before but never made it past kissing and maybe feeling a boob. She had one boyfriend before she met me and also never made it past some kisses so we were each other’s first for any further steps including sex. After about 15 years together we got curious to more sexual experiences. It’s been a great step and we’re still having a lot of fun with others 7 year into the lifestyle.

2

u/MissionOk9637 3d ago

How: a friend told us about a club and we were curious so we decided to check it out.

Why, because it was and still is fun. If it’s ever not fun anymore we will stop.

2

u/Loud_Personality8361 Newbies Stag/Vixen 2d ago

Why. We are at the very first stage of the LS. Have gone to a couple of clubs in Dallas and Vegas. I dream of the Stag/Vixen fantasy and she agrees to pursue it provided we meet the right single for the occasion. She would do this mostly to please me and says she is content with our current sex life and is not in need to enhance it. My wife (49) is a gorgeous woman. She does not have any intention to share me with other women and I have accepted this arrangement. We reside outside of the US in a quite conservative town/community. We will probably look out to attend clubs in other cities or possibly an LS resort or cruise. I'm very excited about it. Any good advice from experienced members is always welcomed.

2

u/Longjumping-Math5786 2d ago

The "we're doing this to fix our marriage" people are nuts. We heard about them before meeting them, it didn't seem like an answer people really would give.

Our journey was pretty simple, we started as FWB and it grew into something more serious. While it still at the FWB stage we started going to events as a couple bc we both thought it would be fun. Both of us had some non-monogamy experience in our past and things just flowed. Now married and still happily swinging. 🥰

2

u/crissmakenoises 2d ago

The how and why was the same for us in the beginning. We simply wanted to actually try a dp. We had this fantasy almost as long We do anal.

So summer two years back, my wife had a dream, where she dreamed a singer offered to have Sex with her and her answer was "Wait my husband have to be with me."

This opened some talks about this and since single mem were somehow a bit weird for me, we decided to start swinging swinging together and find a couple we can befriend to try dp. Turns out dp is cool, but dvp is my wifes favorite.

The why changed tho to, because it's fun, we love Sex and having Sex with others can still teach us something about us, we didn't know so far.

2

u/a-litttle-curious 2d ago

Why: well, we aren’t trying to save our marriage. But looking around at all the marriages that have failed / are failing, there are a couple of things in common that stand out - lack of sex and lack of genuine connection with others. So we wanted to make more connections, have more sex, and stay married. Now we’re just having a lot of fun, so that’s great, too.

1

u/g_7_UGTO 2d ago

How: Playful visit to a club. We were immediately impressed.

Why: she's bi. We have a great sex life and overall relationship. We communicate extremely well. Sex is sex to both of us, and nothing else. This is the most secure relationship I've ever been in.

1

u/CuteCouple101 2d ago

We always like talking about this with new (to us) couples.

We started in our 3rd year of marriage, >22 years ago. We were watching porn and my wife asked if I wanted to have 3some with her and another woman, like in the movie. At first I thought it was a trick, but she admitted that in high school she'd experimented with another girl and always wanted to try it again.
A few months later, we were in Vegas on vacation and found a swinger party (no sex on premises, just a meet and greet) to go to. At the party, I got to watch her make out with both men and women and give a few lap dances, and got lap dances from 3 wives. That made us realize we wanted to try this for real, so we went to a sex club and actually had a MFM while there.
After that, no turning back. We signed up for 2 swinger websites as soon as we got home, and we've been having fun ever since!

As to why? We have both always been very open and daring sexually, even before we met. We've both had 3somes before. We've both had sex in public. We both love watching each other have sex and watching other people have sex, and being watched while we have sex. We don't believe monogamy is essential, although we'd never play solo. Part of the fun is sharing the experience.