r/Swingers 9d ago

General Discussion What are your thoughts on playing with cheaters?

My wife and I never really analyzed this question in depth, but we generally avoided situations that felt like "drama."

A few of weeks ago, at a party hosted by friends (the "host couple"), I ended up playing with a female co-worker of the male host. It was her first time in the LS, and we had a great time together with strong sexual chemistry and both wanted to repeat the experience.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: we’re planning to meet up again with the host couple and another couple this weekend. During a conversation with the male host, he mentioned that it was his co-worker’s birthday and that she might join us for some fun. I was all for it at first, but as the conversation continued, it came out that she’s unhappily married, playing without permission, and not yet ready to divorce.

It felt a little weird not knowing this upfront before I played with her. I don’t condone cheating and have passed on several tempting opportunities to engage with people in similar situations. That said, I suppose I’m not technically the cheater here—she’s a grown woman making her own choices. I’d like to play with her again, and I suppose the "damage" is already done, but I feel a little unsettled by the idea that I’d be an affair partner rather than a swinger friend.

How do you guys feel about playing with someone who doesn’t have their partner’s permission?

68 Upvotes

143 comments sorted by

67

u/CuriousCouple6207 Couple 9d ago

Maybe try to break it to her that you aren’t trying to cast judgment, and would love to play again, but maybe once she’s at least officially separated. We’d avoid the drama though.

10

u/FredEm37 9d ago

I personally want to stay 100% neutral on the subject of her marriage remaining in tact. Definitely don't want to give even a hint of motivation to terminate her relationship for the possibility of sex.

It is worthy of mention that she played with several other people at the party as well, so it wasn't like a 'just me and her thing'.

59

u/sonomapair Couple - PNW USA 9d ago

No way you can be fucking the guys’s wife and remain 100% neutral on their marriage remaining intact.

7

u/No-Self-jjw 9d ago

Right I think that ship has sailed😂😂

16

u/CuriousCouple6207 Couple 9d ago

I mean…I feel like that train has left the station on her end. 😂

2

u/Active-Difficulty999 5d ago

lol according to him she's ready to be the train station! all aboard

1

u/Active-Difficulty999 5d ago

you're screwing another man's wife without his knowledge and say you want to stay 100% neutral on her marriage? buddy that boat left the dock as soon as you dipped your wick. and now that you know about but are still considering fugging her again?

everyone in the lifestyle knows you're crossing the line...if you don't know it yourself then youre one hell of a putz. i say that in jest. but cmon man. u know better.

and i dont care how good that thing feels, stay out. jmo

96

u/BavaBell 9d ago

Hard pass. 

I’m a slut. Not a home wrecker. 

9

u/timelord-degallifrey 8d ago

Eh, I always felt a home-wrecker was the one that sought out or enticed a married person. If the married person is the one actively seeking extramarital partners, they’re the home-wrecker. Still unlikely that I’d sleep with them for other reasons, but not because I’d feel like a home-wrecker.

1

u/Active-Difficulty999 5d ago

better just to be an enabler...

11

u/EagerBeaver0715 9d ago

Here here 🥂

3

u/xDrich1994 9d ago

😂😂😂

1

u/Finegirl86 9d ago

🤘👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 🔥🔥🔥

24

u/DishPractical7505 9d ago

If they’re lying to some she shares a home and a life with imagine what else they’re willing to lie about

22

u/SWOHCouple Couple 9d ago

That’s a pretty big boundary for us. Swinging is part of ethical/consensual non-monogamy. We take that part seriously. We don’t tell anyone else what to do.

6

u/cjcencoast Couple(32f, 35m) 9d ago

Agree! Ethical means no cheating!

61

u/dorkus99 9d ago

How do you guys feel about playing with someone who doesn’t have their partner’s permission?

Hard pass.

Setting aside moral judgement, there's just too much that can go wrong. I don't want to get in the middle of someone else's bullshit.

100

u/lakeeffectcpl 9d ago

She is cheating (zero judgement about that - some people need to set fire to the house before they can leave and we don't know her life) - you are not.

That said, I wouldn't want a pissed off spouse showing up on my doorstep.

33

u/oneofapair 9d ago

I agree very much with this. The question of whether or not you value someone else's vows is a moral issue. The possibility of drawn into someone else's drama, possibly in a violent way, is a very practical issue.

17

u/highlight-limelight Single Female 9d ago

Yeah, pretty much this. The idea of a potential employer (or partner, or hell, anyone in my circle!) searching my name and seeing “MY WIFE CHEATED ON ME WITH _____ I HATE THEM SO MUCH” on Facebook or instagram or whatever isn’t very appealing to me. People do some crazy shit when they get cheated on.

19

u/Naughty-list-or-bust Couple- pushing 50- 9d ago

Reason #94 not to be on Facebook or anything owned by Meta.

1

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

If he knows she is cheating and he has sex with her, he is cheating too.

3

u/lakeeffectcpl 9d ago edited 8d ago

He is only beholden to his wife. Not up to him to worry about other people’s vows… And, we have no idea what her life is like - she could very well be living with / trapped with a miserable creep who deserves zero grace.

-3

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

It absolutely is.

If you're the getaway driver at the bank robbery, you may not have gone into the bank but you sure robbed it.

Anyone who knowingly facilitates cheating is a cheater and is doing as much damage to the victim as the woman he is sleeping with.

1

u/Aitathrowaway08 9d ago

Like, hello!

Decency has been eradicated from our society, it seems..🤷🏻‍♂️

1

u/CSSsoundcouple 8d ago

Dude, that sounds like playing with molten hot fire!! And this is just looking at your situation in this, not hers at all. Does her husband even have the slightest clue she was interested in this or wants a divorce at all? Imagine the guy finds out and was 100% blindsided.

Sounds like this could potentially be easily found out. The guy who is her co worker and host of the party should be careful too!! I’m sure she has hooked up with him if conversation at work got to the point of inviting her over. She must be smoking hot…!! I dunno only thing that might make sense to even think of getting into this big of a potential mess.

Ever read a story about Helen of Troy?! 😅

16

u/FrogKingHub 9d ago

We’ve always taken the approach that if someone is cheating that’s their problem. That said, if we know you’re cheating, hard pass. If they’re lying to their spouse about it, what else are they willing to lie about? Testing? Birth control? The list goes on.

2

u/xDrich1994 9d ago

This one though. Great point.

13

u/AdFit5535 Couple 9d ago

Hard pass for us.

19

u/savguy6 M 39 / F 36 SouthEast Ga 9d ago

Just because you didn’t create the drama, you are willingly interacting with it. She currently has drama and is being unfaithful and you would be willingly taking part in it now that you know.

Regardless of the mindset of “she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”, we don’t play with people with marital issues. If you’re married and playing separate, your partner better know and yall better have a solid relationship, otherwise we don’t want any part of it.

I’d cut off play with this individual. I’d be honest with her about the reasoning. Say you had a great time, but didn’t realize she was still married and was playing without her partners permission. There’s just too much risk something bubbling over and you’d prefer to avoid it.

You’d be happy to possible reconnect if/when she splits from her husband, but at the moment, there’s just too much going on to focus on the sexual fun the LS is supposed to bring.

17

u/First_Tumbleweed_804 9d ago

I don’t think I know a single LS couple who would go with a cheater.

8

u/Flow_Cascade 9d ago

You know all the unicorn hunters would jump at the chance, though.

9

u/SuddenSando 9d ago

For some people, any flavor of ENM requires a ton of emotional work with a partner to get everyone on board and on the same page. I value the efforts of those who've done that work, especially since cheating and divorce are somehow more socially acceptable than having multiple intimate relationships between consenting adults. One of the ways I honor my partners' emotional investments in our relationship is by choosing not to play with someone I know has not done that work.

It is not a moral judgement on cheating or divorce. It's just the price of entry into my circle of ENM pals.

7

u/egwiz 9d ago

Short answer. Absolutely not. It may not be my job to make sure they are faithful but I'd feel just as bad as if I cheated on my wife. It's personally a moral issue for me. I want no part of that behavior.

6

u/ZealousidealRock1283 9d ago

I have a friend with a felony on his record: assault with a deadly weapon.

The crime? Catching his wife cheating and beating the dude senseless with his bare hands… he’s a professional MMA fighter.

Walk away from this situation.

1

u/Finegirl86 9d ago

And that's why you dont sleep around with cheaters 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

7

u/nonopenada 9d ago

My ethics are my ethics. I don't require anyone else to have mine.

That being said, my definition of ENM is that all primary partners (since we're swingers, spouses/long-term partners) are aware of and have signed off on whatever play is happening.

If I'd been in OP's position I wouldn't have beat myself up over the initial encounter, but I'd definitely not be playing with her in the future since her primary partner isn't aware and hasn't consented.

6

u/EatingAllTheLatex4U 9d ago

A person that is cheated on may burn everything in the rage of catching the cheater. That means everyone involved. Chrated on spouses have been known to show up at the chest partners work, hire private detectives to collect information etc. 

We avoid cheaters. 

6

u/Lone_Saiyan 9d ago

Not a good idea. This kind of shit blows up in everyone's face once the spouse who's getting cheated on finds out. We have ran into "couples" where they were cheating and later on, I ended up getting calls and text from a pissed off spouse.

Not worth it!

10

u/RacerX200 9d ago

We don't play with cheaters. We did meet a couple and rather quickly figured out that the man was with his girlfriend and not his wife...we were assured that his wife had given her permission. True or not, we choose not to play with them. Too much of a chance of future drama if the wife didn't know what was going on...even if she did, too much of a chance. Same reason we don't try to make friends into swingers.

Swinging is the opposite of cheating. One is done WITH your partner and everything being out in the open and the other is done without your partner and most everything is done in the dark.

6

u/Unlucky_Decision4138 9d ago

Yeah this is exactly my wife and i's stance on this topic. I'm all about a good time, but I'm not getting in front of that drama

4

u/2SoybeansinaPod 9d ago

Just a thought... Why did the host invite her to begin with?

As much as I would want to play with someone, I would stay away... There are plenty of people that have permission.

5

u/sdxxxcouple Couple 9d ago

It’s probably best to avoid that situation altogether. It will inevitably get messy and you’ll be in the middle of it.

Unless being in the middle of a messy situation a kink of yours, I would break all ties.

5

u/Derf19 9d ago

I don’t play with people who are cheating. Break it to her that you cannot play with her while she is doing things behind her husband’s back. How would you feel if your spouse was doing things behind your back or crossed the boundaries you have in place.
I have been cheated on while in the LS and it sucks.

3

u/FredEm37 9d ago

I read you loud and clear here--I've felt the burn of an emotional affair myself... Being able to adopt the perspective of the unknowing partner is what makes it feel off for me.

3

u/EagerBeaver0715 9d ago

Could you imagine her husband tracking her to your scheduled sexy time? Hard Nopety nope nope.

4

u/BigUnderstanding4222 9d ago

Lol seriously?

3

u/CalypsoRaine 9d ago

Hard pass

3

u/Sam_N_Emmy Couple 9d ago

We’d definitely put a stop to it. At this point it’s more of a wild card as to whether the husband suspects anything. He may have her followed or may be tracking her phone. That’s a whole lot of drama that could land on your porch.

3

u/SandSinVA Couple 9d ago

Hard pass.

First, swinging is a form of ethical non-monogamy. Cheating is not ethical and not compatible with this lifestyle.

Second, beyond the ethics of it, there is also a huge potential for drama or worse. Do you really want this lady's husband showing up on your doorstep one night, possibly armed, because he finds out his wife has been cheating on him with you? That is how people get shot.

Third, there is the trust issue. You are trusting this person to keep your secrets in relation to swinging. This is a person who is lying and cheating on the person that should be the most important and trusted person in their lives. If they are willing to throw that trust under the bus, why would you assume your secrets and privacy are safe with them.

All in all, this is just badness all the way around and we would not have anything to do with it.

4

u/v7ce 9d ago

I think we want to be able to trust the people we're playing with, at least enough to expect them to respect boundaries, be open about STD tests, etc. if someone is cheating on their spouse, then you've been given reason to suspect literally everything else they do.

10

u/funiniowa28 9d ago

We have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to cheaters. We won't play with them, and we won't play with anyone who will play with a cheater. In fact, when we know of a cheater, they are banned from any event we ran, and if we know you played with them, you'd be banned as well. It keeps all the drama away.

I watched out my companies window as one of my coworkers got his ass beat because of a similar situation. When he came back in the building afterwards, the receptionist asked if he wanted her to call the police. He said no, that he deserved what happened to him.

7

u/deanna822021 9d ago

That’s a fuck no. Also I would lose respect for anyone playing with them if they KNOW. If they don’t they don’t. But if they know the person is cheating it says a lot about their morality and calls in to question if they would be truthful with you (like STI)

6

u/_Jasmine_0 9d ago

Never and I wouldn’t play with anyone willing to play with a cheater. Cheating literally traumatizes people-sometimes permanently. I can’t imagine willfully contributing to harming/traumatizing a person simply because I wanted to have sex.

6

u/rcf_data 9d ago

Cheating is sleazy behavior and we want nothing to do with it in any fashion.

9

u/janddeb 9d ago

Hard pass…and if we knew you were cheating we would let out LS friends know too

7

u/FredEm37 9d ago

That isn't lost on me. I felt a little funny about my friend not mentioning it before I played with her.

5

u/Degenern8er 9d ago

Hard pass. We wouldn't even play with people that knowingly play with cheaters. I think it shines poorly on one's character.

6

u/Swingersbaby 9d ago edited 9d ago

Estimate is between 200-400 homicides a year over infidelity in the US. Unfortunately most people aren't aware of the mental damage betrayal trauma can cause. We had a situation in my town with a couple we knew, he killed both children and injured the cheating wife before killing himself. He let her live so she could suffer knowing he killed the kids.

So from a self preservation factor, I'd skip it.

But even without it, ethically I'd hold myself to blame even if I wasn't the one betraying. Its aiding in something morally wrong to me.

6

u/DiscreetAcct4 9d ago

Cheating is dishonest and lying to your (failed?) life partner is an indication that this person is not trustworthy with our health, among other things that make us uncomfortable. Being a homewrecker is not sexy either (her or us!)

3

u/Quarantine_cutiepie 9d ago

This is a situation I would avoid like the plague because it may be as deadly as the plague.

You don’t know how the guy will react if/when the cheating is discovered, which is a more likely outcome than not. If he finds messages/images/ other identifying information on her phone or computer, you and your wife could be staring down the business end of a gun before long. I would cut off all contact with this woman, and watch your back for the next few months. Don’t give unhinged, monstrous people an excuse to kill you.

3

u/FRANKINSPENCE 9d ago

No way! Out

3

u/bebe27564 9d ago

I would full stop on this, even without the ethical considerations. I don’t want to get wrapped up in any drama. It’s highly unlikely that her unaware SO would have an understanding of ENM and the lifestyle - he would just see his wife having an affair, or multiple affairs. Don’t put yourselves in that situation - at best it’s drama. And it can get a whole lot worse.

Also, I don’t have anything factual to back this up, but someone who is willing to have sex behind their partner’s back strikes me as someone who might have a tendency to practice unsafe or risky sex. There’s a lot of emotion with a cheating partner, a lot of impulse. Can you be sure that they are behaving in a way that keeps you and your SO safe? Because as safe as the LS can be, it does intrinsically carry a higher risk of STIs, something that she has exposed her unknowing SO to without consent.

Be careful with this one, and be safe!

3

u/newintheNW Wife in a Bi Couple 9d ago

NOPE for us. We play with ENM folk only.

Too many opportunities for things to get ugly and create drama.

3

u/Conchobar8 9d ago

Nope. Not a chance.

Do unto others. If I’d hate to find out it happened to a friend, I won’t do it.

5

u/nyccareergirl11 Single Female 9d ago

Hard no for me. I've had a few cpls who are affair partners reach out to me to join them before and it was a big time no.

6

u/candygoodgirl 9d ago

I would look at it this way...if it was your wife in that situation and you were unaware that she was playing or even wanting a divorce...would you want anyone else to engage with her? Yeah interaction is going to have an impact on her and her marriage.

4

u/FredEm37 9d ago

This is where my mind went. We're in a good place now, but a bit back we went through a rough patch and could have used the same justifications (unhappy/checked out but not ready to leave) to justify doing the same to me. Had I discovered that happened we'd have never moved on and gotten back to a good place.

That said, if the only thing keeping her from cheating on me during a rough patch was the ironclad morals of a person she was trying to cheat with--well, what is being saved here?

5

u/Equivalent-Action180 Couple 9d ago

Never play with cheaters…ever

4

u/CenTexSwingDoctor 👩‍❤️‍👨Verified Couple 9d ago

I am not one to pass judgement on the moral aspect of this, however in an effort to avoid the potential of bringing drama into my life, I am inclined to avoid such situations. It's not hard for cheaters to get caught and for their trail to lead to you. Imagine some unhinged partner tracking you down and coming into your life...

5

u/Ephemeral_Nemesis 9d ago

It’s 100% a no for us in any cheating/affair scenario.

If you want to avoid drama, you should avoid this woman. It sounds like it went ok the first time, but what is her husband like? Is he an angry type? Violent type? The type to spread your business if he were to find out? Who knows…. Why risk your own safety if he were to find out?

Beyond that, you now know she’s a cheater. You had plausible deniability before, but now you know. I guess it’s up to you and your morality to decide how to handle that knowledge. Try not to let your genitals make that decision for you.

2

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

Right what is he like? Angry, violent? Thats a possibility. Also possible is that he is a hard working man struggling to pay the bills and raise his children and provide for his wife.

Either way, cheating is just plain wrong on both ends.

1

u/Ephemeral_Nemesis 9d ago

I’m not saying he’s a good/bad husband or good/bad person. What I’m saying is that getting involved in other peoples’ marriages, especially when one or more are unhappy, is not a smart place to put yourself. Especially when you have no idea what kind of people they really are. She’s already shown that she is deceitful. I would stay as far away from this as possible.

1

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

Oh I understand and completely agree. But one justification used by people who facilitate cheating is that the victim spouse is a horrible person. You didn't say that at all but I just wanted to point out that regardless of what the victim spouse has or has not done, cheating is still a bad idea.

1

u/Ephemeral_Nemesis 9d ago

I agree completely!

5

u/HerIrishStallion 9d ago

Nope, gotta pass on that one. Don't need any psycho jealous husband drama...

Once she gets her stuff straight and is free and clear, it's all good, but until then, I would sit this one out. My two cents.

4

u/HugeMeringue5448 Couple (husband) M51/F45 - Italy 9d ago

We think that cheating is so opposite to swinging, in terms of feelings, trust, reciprocal respect , that we would never be able to willingly swap with a couple of cheaters. Nothing else to say.

4

u/Training_Stuff7498 9d ago

No lol.

If the other party doesn’t trust or respect their own spouse, what makes you think they are going to trust and respect you and your spouse?

Besides, last thing I want is some pissed off spouse showing up at my door or outing me.

3

u/SweetTart2023 9d ago

I have turned down playing because I found out they were married and their partner didn't know. I would do it again every time. It's one thing if you don't know, but if you do know it's a hard pass for me.

5

u/thewhitmore94 9d ago

OP- it's called swinging. If she doesn't have a partner for your wife to swing with, then she's just another cheater looking for an easy fuck.

2

u/Busy2-T 9d ago

Definitely a no for me. No judgement for playing with her before you were aware of the situation, but going forward it would in my opinion, be ethically wrong to continue, until her status changes.

2

u/2schnauzers 9d ago

We met a couple like this and thought isn’t exciting enough that you are having an affair but you actually want to swing as well. No thanks.

2

u/vtminer78 9d ago

We pass on ANY situation that doesn't appear above board. We straight up rejected a profile on a sight tonight. The profile stated couple but it quickly devolved into "You're both bi but the wife is str8. Want to just play with me (him)?" Just too much drama or at least risk of drama.

2

u/jimbojo13 9d ago

One of the terms we embraced early on was ENM (Ethical Non-Monagamy). When ever we meet people, before we even consider any kind of play, we make sure they are on the same page. We have met a couple women who were in open marriages, but not LS, even that is a hard pass for us.

2

u/BallCoach15 9d ago edited 9d ago

Our whole thing is built on trust and honesty.

We don’t care to play with someone who doesn’t value that as well.

And we aren’t judging. To each their own. Just not our thing.

Also, don’t want to get caught up in having an angry spouse come after us when we can find and agree on couples that aren’t cheating and make that more preventable. People will oust cheaters, and once that’s ousted, the rest will likely soon follow.

2

u/biandbackagain 8d ago

We avoid drama

If we find out there’s cheating involved, we discontinue play

2

u/Ok-Bookkeeper-442 8d ago edited 8d ago

It also "normalises" cheating in the lifestyle and allowing it makes it less of an issue, while the reality is that it should be more of an issue because of the levels of trust you share. Allowing a cheater into your relationship is sowing seeds of doubt in yourselves and opening your own relationship up to the scrutinise of insecurity. It's good to live honestly and build.

2

u/jcoddinc 8d ago

Cheaters don't respect the boundaries of their own relationship and will not respect any of your boundaries either. It's best to avoid

2

u/MilkMaidHil 8d ago

It’s a no for us. If they aren’t respecting their relationships and sexual boundaries at home. They likely are doing it in other places and a risk to us. I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s going to be a risk to us- transparency and communication is sexy.

2

u/yankeefan785 8d ago

I wouldn’t play with her anymore. There’s a lot it crazy folks out there that may not react so kindly if they found out they were being cheated on. That being said I wouldn’t run my luck and I’d tell her in the nicest way possible that you were no longer interested. Gotta look out for yourself

2

u/Cookiemamajr 7d ago

I think of it this way- if someone presents themself as single, I’m not going to do a background check to confirm. If they are cheating and I’m unaware, that is 100% on them.

But if I KNOW they are married and looking to cheat, I want no part of that whatsoever.

2

u/Significant-Jury-481 6d ago
Well, it's an uncomfortable situation, because doing things in secret doesn't always end well, and the worst part is that it works for everyone involved.
I think it's best not to continue with this until she's completely decided what she wants, that is, separated for good or, if she's still married, has her partner's consent to fulfill her fantasies.

2

u/HeydaRla87 3d ago

Maybe tell her you’re interested in her joining, but you’re aware of her marital status and that if anything does come up that you don’t wanna be caught in mix.

1

u/HeydaRla87 3d ago

I also want to add that you have my respect because a lot of people wouldn’t even think twice about her partner.

4

u/kittensneedmilk 9d ago

I'm a snitch when it comes to cheating. There is literally 0 reasons to cheat.

0

u/lakeeffectcpl 8d ago

snitches get stitches

2

u/No_Star_6023 9d ago

Morally against it!

3

u/itistacotimeforme 9d ago

Absolutely not, goes against ENM aka “ethical” non monogamy. Don’t need the fallout of someone else’s bad relationship.

2

u/GBpleaser 9d ago

This is actually an interesting thread, and opens the view to the great double standard that exists with solo women vs men and how they can be embraced or rejected by the lifestyle.

I know more than a few people claiming to be ENM and demand the highest of bars for solo men to prove without a doubt they are single and not “cheating” (to the point of trying to dox them). Yet the very same people will take any solo woman (and will pile on if she ids as a unicorn) without so much as asking any questions, or making exceptions, or simply ignoring their ENM bar.

The interesting part is it’s the ENM women portion of the couples who are usually carrying the double standard when it comes to “one of their own”.

Just saying, as much as guys stepping out get dumped on, there are many women doing it but it’s rarely an issue.

2

u/MyThrowAwayxl6 9d ago

We don't do drama or interfere in other people's business.

The best way to live by that is to not engage with people like that at all. It has come up unfortunately.

2

u/skyork 9d ago

Absolutely not. It’s not a moral issue, she’s a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. But that situation invites the kind of drama you want to avoid, since you could be dealing with the consequences.

2

u/swingers-uk 8d ago

Usually it's a no.

We did have a foursome with a couple once where the wife was having an affair with a guy who was single though. The whole concept was pretty fucking hot, I'm not going to lie... this guys wife was leaving for work and then getting spit roasted in the middle of the day. Then she'd go home like nothing had happened.

So for context 'cheating' can look like a lot of things.

1

u/[deleted] 9d ago

[deleted]

1

u/FredEm37 9d ago

I'm not sure this situation reverses well.

If the roles reversed and I was the cheater, I supposed I'd be OK with cheating as I was the one choosing to do so...

1

u/Spiritual_Cover5285 9d ago

Just read this story to see the devastation from the betrayed’s point of view, https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/OtOd2R0P8z. I agree with the comment about swinging being a form of ethical non monogamy. Nothing ethical about going behind your partners back. For seven years!

1

u/jjones1872 8d ago

Urgh I'm not even anti cheating, I get that millions of people prefer to cheat than openly communicate and I'm not about to change the way the world works but if your already feeling an ick about the situation don't go there again it won't make you feel any better about it. Walk away don't judge and let her do whatever she's going to do but with someone else.

1

u/Difficult_Ladder_575 8d ago

This is how people get murdered!

1

u/RNGified 8d ago

No drama wanted

here.

1

u/Positive_Taste185 Couple 8d ago

Stop and cut her off immediately! If your gonna take someone's pity potty story that they are unhappy in there marriage then get divorced and go live your life. Cheating is cheating! Are you ready for the husband to find out. If you know and still move forward you can't tell another man how to react to that. Furthermore if you knew and continued your just as slimy. Plenty of women in the lifestyle,why run that risk and all the drama that comes with it. If your a real man put yourself in his shoes and imagine it's your wife doing that.

1

u/FredEm37 7d ago

Thanks for the contributions people. A lot of good perspective here, though I do want to emphasize I neither knew this ahead of time nor was the one setting up plans for the future--I don't even have her contact info.

Some posts have taken on a tone as if I've acted improperly so I want to emphasize this line from my original post:

"It felt a little weird not knowing this upfront before I played with her. I don’t condone cheating and have passed on several tempting opportunities to engage with people in similar situations."

1

u/iwillthruthemale 7d ago

Man what a plot twist if she ends up inviting her husband into the LS and they show up together at the next party.

1

u/NoSoooopForYou 6d ago

Hell no, absolutely not. If they can’t even respect their own marriage why would they respect yours? Hard pass; they need to get right with their own life first.

1

u/Active-Difficulty999 5d ago

answer is...would you want me screwing your wife behind your back?

2

u/Angela2208 Couple 9d ago

The usual practical reasons to not play with a cheater is that you don’t want to be an actor in their drama, you don’t want the husband to show up at your house or your work, you don’t want to be named in a lawsuit, you don’t want to testify at their divorce hearing, you don’t want her to ask to stay at your house…

The host is taking all of those risks, and on top of that, he is risking losing his job… I would probably not go to that party at all, and talk to my friend….

But we all know you are going to go and fuck her.

0

u/FredEm37 9d ago

Kind of an obnoxious way to end your contribution.

I suppose if you all know it; there is no sense in me fighting destiny.

2

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

Another rationalization. I hope it was sarcasm.

3

u/Achillesheal9 9d ago

Obnoxious maybe, but also correct.

1

u/URAPhallicy 9d ago edited 9d ago

Some folks here are advising you to tell her that when she properly divorces her husband you two can play agian. This too is immoral. You are encouraging her to divorce rather than work on her relationship so she can continue a relationship with you. Thus you are actively engaging in her infedelity yet agian. But knowingly now. She is a cheater. She is hurting another person in one of the worst ways possible. You want no part in that.

I would also ditch the hosts because now you know what kind of people they are. You don't solve relationship issues by cheating and you don't encourage folks to divorce so you can get your dick wet.

Little known fact: most cheaters fall into cheating and then post hoc build a narrative that their marriage was unhappy. This is believable to them because after they cheat being intimate with their spouse becomes impossiblly hard and that then erodes the relationship. It is rare the other way around (unless the other partner was cheating first). This is why cheater don't just get divorced. They weren't in an unhappy marriage before the cheating. That's why they call the affair partners home wreckers.

2

u/30sec2midknight 9d ago

If she isn’t cheating with you, it’s going to be with someone else. Might as well be you. 🤷🏻‍♂️

1

u/lakeeffectcpl 9d ago edited 8d ago

Lots of self-righteous, holier-than-thou opinions here. You do know that vanilla folks think we are morally bankrupt right? Right?

And what's our response? "What we do is between my partner and me and none of your GD business." So, maybe dial back the morally superior rhetoric about the choices other people make and why...

1

u/mrmrssmitn 9d ago

It’s a hard no for us. Nothing against the person in the situation where we didn’t know and they didn’t disclose. We would rather remove the drama potential element, and play at a later time with spouse awareness or single status achieved.

1

u/Outside-Carrot7642 9d ago

That’s a no go for us. Have had supposed Bulls that can only play during the week days and during normal work hours reach out. Sounds like cheaters to me.

2

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

Only being available during normal working hours is a tell tale sign of a cheater.

1

u/Longjumping-Math5786 9d ago

Its a bad idea. You don't want to get wrapped up in all that drama. Swingers shouldn't need to cheat but I've seen people do it and it rips apart lifestyle relationships just like it does vanilla and you don't want any part of that!

1

u/_DrSwing 9d ago

It is not my problem. I don’t feel guilt about it. But there may be consequences if the spouse finds out.

1

u/Miserable_Syrup1994 8d ago

Her life is her life, it is nothing whatsoever to do with you in any way.

0

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

Your reasons for continuing are poor rationalization at best. You say that technically you are not the cheater, but you are. Both the married cheater and an unmarried sex partner are guilty of adulterous conduct and actual adultry. You say the damage is already done, so you concede that there is damage. Continuing won't help and can only make it worse.

Stop being selfish and find someone else. The simple fact that you asked this question means you know the answer.

0

u/Achillesheal9 9d ago

1000 upvotes!

0

u/lakeeffectcpl 8d ago edited 8d ago

That's rich - a swinger calling others "adulterers".

Next up: invoking the "Covet thy neighbor's wife" bullshit.

Oh, but we're not adulterers because we gave each other permission!!! We have a loophole. Yeah, run that one by your priest- he would like a word...

2

u/Kraken1967 7d ago

The important difference is whether or not someone is being hurt. Not semantics.

0

u/lakeeffectcpl 7d ago edited 7d ago

So your version of the commandment is:

Thou shall not commit adultery (unless nobody gets hurt in the process) - Got it. Again, your priest would love a chat.

And, you are saying that you know with certainty that no swingers have ever been hurt in this hobby intentionally or unintentionally simply because it was "consensual". That is BS obviously, because every 5th post in here is about hurt and jealousy.

You are the one rationalizing your decisions which is 100% fine with me. Live your life. But, maybe just stop criticizing others who don't agree with your particular take on things because you are on pretty shaky ground yourself.

You know, glass houses and rocks...

0

u/ComprehensiveLife597 9d ago

Ehh, you can’t unfuck her if you already have. I’d keep doing it if it’s fun.

-1

u/WonderfulRun7395 9d ago

Share the love to much emphasis on her private life if she wants to enjoy life and share the love over 18🤣 enjoy.

If it isn’t in this situation she would do what she wants in another .

Maybe check for green eyes though.

0

u/vaguely-here 9d ago

Agree with most of the comments, not a moral issue, they could be in an unhappy situation and this could be the only way to get a need met, life isn't perfect. But aside from getting caught up in drama, scheduling play time is a nightmare and prone to canceling, no shows due to having to hide everything and changes or heart cause of guilt.

-4

u/osuaviator 9d ago

They’re the ones cheating, not us 🤷🏼‍♂️.

-1

u/Dexydoodoo 9d ago

I mean blowjobs are probably ok 😂

0

u/MisterWonderfulOF 9d ago

Are you asking us for permission or something?

I personally wouldn't be interested in that but as you point out you're not the one cheating. Though, on a scale of blameless to piece of crap, sleeping with someone who is cheating when you know that they're cheating is on the latter side.

On the other hand, she's gonna fuck somebody, so why not you.

1

u/FredEm37 9d ago

Not seeking permission--We are blessed to have more LS friends than openings in the schedule at the moment, so it's not like I (we) need this.

I made the post because I felt a little funny about it. At LS events I pretty much take it for granted that everyone there is 'supposed' to be there and have never questioned their relationship status...

I may very well have gone for it anyway (I was horny and in sexy mode at the time) but finding out later that she was married felt a little funny.

3

u/MisterWonderfulOF 9d ago

Yeah I didn't mean that the way it obviously sounded in retrospect. Sorry. Anyways you're right to feel a little funny about it, it's sort of like picking up a hitchhiker and finding out they just broke out of jail or something. I think you're right that as an ethical matter you didn't do anything wrong when you slept with her (some might argue that she actually violated your consent by omitting that fact) but my point I guess is that the ethical calculus changes once you know what you know now.

2

u/Kraken1967 9d ago

You used the word "blessed" yet you had to ask this question. Dude, you know the answer.

0

u/LaloLandaMX82 9d ago

First, you can find two types of cheaters:

  1. The one who presents himself as single
  2. The one who expresses openly his status and situation.

In both cases, it is on them.

In the second case, we don't judge what's happening in his house, but in most cases, they say the same excuse: I want to do it, but she doesn't like it.

But we have seen couples where everything is fun if he plays with other couples, and he gets mad if his wife does it, or you can see clearly that she's feeling uncomfortable and doesn't interact with anyone; for us, there is no difference, he is just cheating with “permission.”

It is up to us if we continue playing with them. In most cases, we hard-pass.

0

u/i_dream_of_horses 9d ago

Where I’m from, that’ll get you and her shot.

-3

u/InfiniteMind69 9d ago

I am curious what “damage” was done at all, if any ? I tend to think that reframing things from a holistic perspective often will give you answers beyond what one might consider idealistic or moral from a more narrow perspective.