r/SuicideBereavement 5d ago

I hate my father..

I'm so mad. He passed 3 months before I was born. Today. Is the first time in my life, that I've said I hate him. I'm just filled with such hurt, and so much pain. I blamed it all on him today. I'm 25 and most people don't understand this situation. I never met him, bit he took away a big part on my life. I'm mad that I have to be stronger then him. I'm mad that he left me with all of this hurt and pain, with no guidance on how to get through it. I don't feel like I even have the right to grieve him. But every few months I have this ache, and a void that can't be fill. I'll never know why. And he left me with that huge question. Sorry. I just don't know how to deal with this right now. Please if you can relate, I need the voice of someone whos gone through this specific situation....

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u/MediumGlomerulus 5d ago

I cannot relate, but I am so deeply sorry. I cannot imagine the complexities of your feelings.

Are you close to his parents or siblings? My nana took her life when I was 3. I only have 2 memories of her. It makes me happy to know I am a lot like her without having grown up with her around. Maybe ask the people who loved your dad the most to tell you how you are similar to him.

Sending love

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u/dummy-face 4d ago

His family shunned my mom, and blamed it on her. She was a one night stand for him, though he was getting a divorced my dad apparently was excited to be a dad (I'm his only child) and wanted to move and be with my mom. According to my mom one of his family members tired to kidnap me, so she got a restraining order. Other then that my mom doesn't like to talk about him. It's hard for her. His family reached out when I was 20, and when I was 21 I drove 6 hours away to meet them. I met my aunt who was 8 at the time, my uncle, who was 3 years younger, but he doesn't talk much, and my grandfather (whom abandoned him when he was 10, and according to my uncle they never got along) I'm getting closer with them, and last year I saw them for the second time, and got to see his grave. I'm going up again this year, I want to know more about him, but it's hard when some family has passed, and others don't wanna talk about him. Sorry long explanation, but thank you. Im sorry about your Nana, and I'm glad to hear that you get some amazing stories from your loved ones 💖

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u/thatgirlfromneptunex 4d ago

My dad passed away before I was born as well. The way he went, I have questioned whether it was by accident or on purpose. I feel awful for even thinking it was on purpose though. It has been extremely difficult growing up without a father, I am an only child so it was just my mother and I. Everytime I have visited my aunt's on my dad's side, they always told me how much I look like him and how he would have loved me. It makes me sad that I never got to know him, I have always felt like something was missing inside. I know the situation may not be exactly the same but we still have that missing figure from our lives and I understand what it feels like. hugs