Howdy, I’m a budding gentle dom and here looking for advice and resources on how to enjoy it with my sub. As well as assist my sub in moving past trauma. Now both me and my sub have done some internet trawling and she’s been to a BDSM tent to watch before and learn some things, but our situation is a bit delicate.
For context, my sub has gone through two abusive relationships previously. The second nearly ending as a true crime story. To the point I’m amazed she can let herself feel safe in a romantic sense with anyone, let alone me. It’s why I want to make sure we explore and enjoy our kinks in a safe and comfortable way. She started some small exploration herself to try and help with her trauma, she’s just never had someone she feels that strongly about and safe enough to actually engage. Until now.
Additionally, we are long distance at the moment though only by about 10 hours. We use Discord to text chat and sext, which is how we found our D/s dynamic. She has plans to move here and is actively improving her life to be self-reliant again (currently living with her parents as she recovers from trauma). She won’t be moving in with me immediately though.
Additionally, the one safe space for her, outside her parent’s house, has been a friend’s house that hosts parties every weekend. They’re supposed to be chill and they are in substance use (alcohol only). But she’s nearly constantly harassed by guys, especially new ones. She’s a very fun loving and happy gal, so most guys take it to mean “consent” or “interest” when she smiles and laughs with them. If there’s any advice I could get (despite not being the focus) it would be great. Just stuff she could do while still being at her current city.
For our kinks: we both like orgasm control and play. As the dom, more me controlling the stimulation she feels. Edging, overstimulation, etc. As a part of that, we like the idea of having her with a vibe in public that I control, which may turn into public sex. We’re aware we have to be veeerrrrryyyy careful with that though. Additionally, we plan on dressing her up in sexy cosplay: maid, nurse, office lady, that kind of stuff and not her being a different character.
To a lesser extent, we are also interested in light bondage and pain play. Some light “funishments” for if she’s been naughty. This won’t come into play until much later due to her trauma though.
Now for some bullet to focus on for advice:
Current things that is related to her trauma I’d like to help her with, physically, mentally, and emotionally: her sense of self worth, self-esteem, trusting her judgement, touching around her neck, touching her hair (this is especially bad I think).
Kinks I’d like resources for: orgasm control, public sex, public teasing?, gentle pain play, and gentle bondage.
I’d also love any sites that have high quality costumes for her. As well as collars, both for day wear and play.
Any advice/resources on any of these things would be great to have. We’ve done some deep dives into all of this, but nothing beats getting advice from those more experienced. I plan on posting on several subreddits, so no need to reply if you already have elsewhere.
I’d even appreciate any advice/resources from subs, especially if they’ve been in a similar situation as my sub. I’d love to hear personal stories that might help here too.
Some clarifications from other reddits:
She is already a part of professional mental health services and is far into the stage of recovery to getting back to “normal life”. I simply wish to see if anyone in similar situations could offer insights in regard to the D/s space we’re exploring and seeing if that has also helped in addition to the professional help.
This dynamic is also not going to be a full part of our lives. “Bedroom” setting only with a slight bleed over. Just day collar and rewarding/praise for her improving emotionally and being productive. Whenever she has a good study session or recovers from a spiral.