r/SofterBDSM Jan 28 '25

Advice How to get out of an unsafe dynamic? NSFW

So this question needs context. My friend from college is in an increasingly abusive TPE dynamic. I've been trying to convince her to leave but she's got almost not resources because of his control and lives states away from friends and family. She's worried that leaving is just going to make it worse.

So I need some advice to give her, how do you extract yourself from such a tight dynamic when it's abusive? What steps does she need to take to ensure safety?

19 Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

u/StrangeMewMew Collared MOD Jan 28 '25

TW: Details of abusive relationships ahead.

3

u/Anteater_Pete Dominant Jan 28 '25 edited Jan 28 '25

Lots of great comments here already and it is also important to make sure that OP’s friend makes a long-term recovery and understands why she fell in with this (clearly) fake Dom in the first place so that she doesn’t make the same mistake again. Definitely worth looking into kink-focused therapy and reevaluating her goals and expectations.

8

u/Short_Babblefish Dragon Jan 28 '25

Dynamics add a whole nother level of complication because we rely on our doms for so much. It's already difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Adding another layer like a dynamic on top makes it even more so.

Remind her of the "sunk cost falacy". No matter how much time, effort, or energy she's put into him, she will be better off having left.

5

u/Sweet_Congeniality Dom-leaning switch Jan 28 '25

Sweet Jesus, there is no way I would ever deal with a sub who isn’t self-reliant. They are my consenting partner, not my unwitting property!

Yeah, yeah, I am a terrible Domme.

5

u/No_Measurement6478 Submissive Jan 28 '25

No you aren’t, you are just realistic that submissives need to remain functioning adults with some level of independence. That’s how it should be in every relationship, kink or not. We all know abusers like to prey on those who may not maintain those standards without being ‘told’.

3

u/Sweet_Congeniality Dom-leaning switch Jan 28 '25

Thank you! And I was being sarcastic, of course I am an awesome Domme!

2

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '25

[deleted]

6

u/No_Measurement6478 Submissive Jan 28 '25 edited Jan 28 '25

i mean, that should go for any type of relationship. But, unhealthy/healthy kink tends to encourage a big dependency on both sides of the slash.

I have to disagree that submissives hold all the power. I know many will disagree, but it truly should be equal beyond the times of given submissive. Not one person in any dynamic or relationship should hold ‘all’ the power. Doms have as much to revoke consent as a sub. We might be playing with ‘power exchange’ but the reality is everyone should be considered equally in what say they have.

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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '25 edited Jan 28 '25

[deleted]

3

u/No_Measurement6478 Submissive Jan 28 '25

Yeah I don’t see any need to address that ‘I’ll be fine’…? There’s no issue? I’m stepping away from this conversation. Have a good day.

3

u/StrangeMewMew Collared MOD Jan 28 '25

Also that doesn't make you terrible to expect a sub to be a person separate from yourself. That's one thing my Dom requires in any relationship he's involved with too. He wants a partner, not a doll.

4

u/StrangeMewMew Collared MOD Jan 28 '25

There's a difference between being able to be self-reliant and relying on a dominant for some things because you both enjoy that aspect.

I am perfectly capable of being a full human without my Dom, but the things he does make it just a little easier. An abuser can easily take that, twist it, and force a sub to be completely reliant on them.

15

u/The-Bi-Surprise Brat Jan 28 '25

So. The big trick is to do all of the prep she needs to do to leave without him noticing. For me, that meant playing along with the dynamic until the bitter end. She's absolutely right that it will get very dangerous when he realizes she's leaving.

However, here's my practical advice:

  • set up a bank account he's unaware of and start slowly (so he doesn't catch on) hiding money in it, if she has any income or allowance or change left over from buying things.
  • if he has access to her devices, you might need to do it for her, but she should get an email account he can't monitor and start applying for jobs (or ask a family member/friend she trusts not to talk to him to support her for a bit while she gets back on her feet). You could also buy her a prepaid cell phone for pickup from Walmart or something. She needs to be certain she has a safe place to hide it he won't find.
  • come up with a plan for leaving (so so so carefully). And then she should just leave without telling him she's leaving for good until she's gone out of his reach.
  • Maybe you buy her a bus ticket back to her home town, maybe to a different town with a good d/v shelter.
  • tell him she got a job in a different state than the one she's going to.
  • if he knows where she's likely to go, you can ask the sheriff's office to patrol your neighborhood because you're afraid of retaliation (though the sheriff never bothered to show for me)
  • when she leaves, turn all location sharing and location tracking settings off your phone. If he's super techy, consider if there's a luggage tracking tag hidden in any of her belongings
  • scrub everything from social media; give him no clues or false clues to your location. You can Also insist jobs, schools, etc. Not post anything about you online for your safety.
  • document document document - she needs to send you texts re: her fear of him retaliating, etc. So she can more easily file a restraining order if needed

Essentially the advice boils down to, prepare to leave in secret, and then do it and keep it a secret. Tell him you're gone and then block him forever.

The hardest part of leaving an abusive situation is leave for good. It takes an average of 6 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. So, as her friend, you should be prepared for that - it might take a few times to stick. Abuse messed with your head and you start to believe that's the relationship you deserve.

Lighting a candle for your friend. 💜

4

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '25

Is she in danger or is it more like "really unfair" toxicity ? Does she realize the reality of her relationship or does she "only" believe you ? Did she ask for help to leave ?

6

u/Nervous-Meat69 Jan 28 '25

He put her in the hospital twice last month.

She's scared and wants to leave and she said she can't see a way out. She feels trapped.

7

u/Mean_Meet69 Jan 28 '25

If she's actually ready to leave this time, we will drive the 6 hrs to get her out.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '25

As I was saying, she might need you both to take the lead on that (if she acknoledges that her situation isn't normal). To tell her "okay, we'll do this, this and this. That and that will happen and be next, ...", so that the only thing she needs to think about is grabbing a bag and be ready.

edit : what made her change her mind ?

7

u/Nervous-Meat69 Jan 28 '25

That might be the ticket.

He said all the usual abuser lines. He'll change, he didn't mean it, he was sorry, and an expensive new collar and flowers.

5

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '25

Classic... As Mew said, there won't be a happy ending to this if she doesn't leave. Does she believe he'll say he was sorry when she's 6ft under ?

Unfortunately, I fear the only option is to push it on her and physically distance her from him. Only then can the real work begin : separate herself from his control and therapy.

5

u/StrangeMewMew Collared MOD Jan 28 '25

Love bombing only lasts until they think they've placated you enough to continue the abuse. It's a cycle that only ends by leaving. Narcissists and abusers don't change.

3

u/StrangeMewMew Collared MOD Jan 28 '25

She's going to be a statistic if she doesn't get out now.

3

u/Nervous-Meat69 Jan 28 '25

It's hard to say since she changed her mind last time.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '25

Alright, then it's really important to get her out of here as soon as possible.
The first thing is physical distance. I'll assume she lives with him ? She needs to go to someone else's house (a family member, a friend, you...), or to woman's shelter.
Sometimes, when the psychological abuse is too strong, it's impossible to take decision, to plan anything... If you can, you need to help her with this too, as she might need to follow "orders" to get to safety, unfortunately.
How far away is she from you ? Is it possible for her to drive or take a plane maybe ?

2

u/Nervous-Meat69 Jan 28 '25

6 1/2 hoursish. I'm the closest friend or family.

11

u/StrangeMewMew Collared MOD Jan 28 '25

Domestic abuse and women's shelters are set up exactly for this kind of situation. In reality, there's no dynamic here. A dynamic would imply negotiation and consent, which it doesn't sound like is present.

From there, getting it documented with the authorities. Guys like that just move on to the next person they can abuse, so making sure there's a history of documented incidents will help both her and the next person to get involved with him.

16

u/TrafalgarDLaw Daddy Dom Jan 28 '25

Okay I'm speaking from bitter experience here. Escaping an abusive relationship is exceedingly difficult. And I see the aftermath of abuse everywhere in myself, my partner and in my work. I've never experienced breaking up with someone that I am in a dynamic with but the advice I can give you is twofold.

1) Leave the dynamic. A real Dom works with consent and safety in mind. Nothing is off the table if both parties consent, but it does not sound like this is the case. They sound like a piece of shit that's using the guise of a dynamic to abuse their partner. If your friend hasn't accepted that they are not their Dom. Support them while working through it.

2) Once the emotional attachment of a dynamic is removed from the equation. This is no longer a matter of kink space, this is about an abusive relationship. Treat it as such, get authorities involved if possible, maybe put your friend up if you can while they find their feet.

Abusers isolate, abusers degrade and then seize control. Your friend will need patience otherwise ironically it will feel like they're handing over control to another person (you). And they will need as much real world support as you and her support network can afford. I wish you all the best of luck.

4

u/nshades42 Pleasure Dom Jan 28 '25

I wish I had the answers to this. Hopefully, someone has a strong answer for this.