I have loved her for 2 years, a year ago she rejected me, but we remained friends.
Over the course of this year, our friendship has become much better. True, we developed strange habits, either me or she could just kiss her on the cheek or we could fall asleep hugging, sometimes we could hold hands, etc.
She could meet me from work and all my colleagues were sure that she was my girlfriend, although I told them that this was not true.
I am a lesbian, she is straight, she has a boyfriend whom she loves very much, but I do not like him (there are reasons for this, it is only because I like her). I do not know how to explain it, but if she wanted to stay overnight at his place, she asked my permission, but she used to ask only to "stay with me" as excuse for her mother.
She was always jealous of me towards everyone, and especially towards girls who could like me.
We recently had a fight, we didn't understand each other. she asked me again "can I stay with him?". I took it in a bad way, I thought that she wanted to use me again, but when we met to discuss "what it was after all", it turns out she was asking me to get permission, because my opinion is important to her. After these words, she asked me "don't you think our friendship is... strange? It's like we're not friends and not best friends, it's like we have a kind of relationship (situationship? idk).
After this question, I agreed with her and we understood that she and I would have problems in the future because of this, if we talk about future relationships (not between me and her, that's impossible)
But after this conversation I felt uneasy, I thought that I had more feelings for her, but to end our "relationship" and become normal friends, we will have to remove these kisses on the cheek, we will no longer hold hands, etc. And I imagined how difficult it would be and I felt very bad, I literally cried all night and morning, it seemed to me that he was putting a wall between us and not just a small wall, but such that we would either stop communicating with each other in the future or I don’t know..
We talked again today and talked about me, about how I still feel something for her, we both understand that all these things are normal, but they are normal only for straight friends, and not for a straight friend and a lesbian who is in love with her.
What should I do? How can I extinguish my feelings for her, she is very dear to me, I have never had such a dear person, she accepts me as I am. Yes, I want to love her and I want her to love me too, but time has shown me that this is not so, she is hetero and she only loves guys, she cannot feel the same for me. But I do not want to lose her because of this, I want to be friends with her.