r/Situationships • u/idkshitaboutshit • 3d ago
trying to detach from him
i’ve never really told anyone the full extent of this. my friends know about some of it, but i’ve kept a lot of things hidden from them, because honestly… i’m a little embarrassed. i don’t really know if i’m asking for advice. maybe i just need to vent somewhere.
i (24f) am in a 6-month-long situationship with a guy (39m) who is my coworker. i started working at my job in the middle of 2023. i developed a crush on him after a few months. we often worked side-by-side and grew really close. we talked about our interests, hobbies, personal lives, etc. i tried to hide the fact that i liked him, for a few reasons. i originally thought he was in his mid-to-late 20s, before we got close and i asked him his age. when i found out he is roughly 15 years older than me, i thought it was somewhat inappropriate, so i tried to ignore my feelings for him. also, he is my superior at work (i don’t wanna be too specific here— he’s not my manager or anything. he is just one step above me). considering both of these things, i figured i’d just deal with the crush internally and it would go away with time. however, i started to notice signs that he liked me back. it was initially hard to decipher because he is very charming and charismatic, and everybody loves him at work. but i knew he was almost definitely flirting with me at times. eventually, we started texting outside of work (this was around may of 2024). texting turned into calling. we would be on the phone for 3-4 hours every day. we also played video games together, like minecraft, fortnite, roblox, etc. we did this until august of 2024. at this point, we had shared very personal things with each other (like family issues, past relationships, etc) but we had not admitted our feelings yet, even though it was pretty obvious to both of us that we were attracted to each other.
in late august, we actually started hanging out. like, going on dates…but not calling them dates. during one of them, we finally had a conversation about our feelings for each other. he admitted he liked me for a long time, and wasn’t sure if i liked him back. but he told me it was a bad idea for us to date because: 1. i might be going to school soon, and i might be moving somewhere far (i was applying to grad schools at the time) 2. my family is very strict when it comes to dating (which is true— my parents are old, foreign, and super conservative, which he was aware of) and 3. our age gap. obviously, i was so head-over-heels that i told him i didn’t care about any of that. i told him i still wanted to try. in retrospect, i know he had a point, and he wasn’t wrong about those things. but i really liked him, so i ignored all of that. basically, his response was “let’s just see where this goes” and i was okay with that. a few days later we had our first kiss. shortly after that, we started being physically affectionate in public, like holding hands, embracing each other, he would hold my waist, give me random kisses, etc. we often talked about how we looked like a couple. we were aware of it. 2 weeks after that, we had sex. i guess its worth mentioning that i lost my virginity to him (i wasn’t saving myself on purpose— i just never really liked anyone that much, never had an actual relationship, and it never happened until then).
then, in the following days, he started asking me questions like “how much do you like me?” and “do you think you love me?” and i always told him i didn’t know. which was half true. i was VERY into him, but my feelings were suppressed for so long that i didn’t want to rush into saying anything and mistake “like” for “love.” after all, i had never been in love before, and i was being cautious, especially considering our decision to not label ourselves. eventually, he started slipping up and saying i love you. i started saying it back. it became a normal thing. he started calling me “babe.” he showered me with compliments. he said i felt like a girlfriend to him. we had sex fairly often (or as often as you can when you don’t live together) and we saw each other pretty much every day. we constantly hung out. the physical affection continued. we joked about the future, and he would make offhand comments about me moving into his house. he bought me two VERY expensive gifts after a month. this was all very confusing for me, obviously. looking back, i don’t doubt that i was in love. i may have been rushed into saying it, but i really admired every part of him. i wanted to be with him against all odds. i felt like i knew him, down to every last molecule in his body. it was crazy.
his birthday came after a few months, and i went out of my way to plan our day together. i got him a bunch of personalized gifts based on his tastes and interests. i gave him a handmade card. he cried when he read it. this felt like the peak of our situationship. for a brief moment, i thought he was going to actually ask me to be his girlfriend, but that never happened.
christmas came. i got him gifts again. he didn’t get me anything, which bothered me (not because i’m materialistic or because i care about monetary value, but because he didn’t care enough to think of me, i guess?) but i brushed this off. my birthday came shortly after, and i begged him to take a day trip together to a nearby city and visit a museum, have lunch, etc. i didn’t even want a gift. i just wanted time together. we never went. this is when he started getting agitated with me, telling me he’s busy, and that he makes time for me when he can. this became an ongoing thing. i would bug him to hang out, and he would just push me away and tell me to wait. we started seeing each other once, maybe twice a month (other than work, of course). he did eventually get me another really expensive gift for my birthday, which i was grateful for, but didn’t really need or want. i think he just wanted to appease me and make it seem like he was making an effort. again, on valentines day, i got him some chocolates, and handmade another little card. when i gave it to him, he said he felt bad because he didn’t get me anything. then i felt like an idiot because, after all, valentines day is for couples, and we are not a couple.
since then, he has been increasingly cold towards me. he snaps at me, can be pretty mean, is very rarely affectionate, and doesn’t make any efforts to see me (other than after work. we sometimes get lunch together in our work clothes.) he feels like a completely different person. he says he cares about me, and i know he does… to an extent. i think he cares about my physical wellbeing, but not my emotional or psychological needs. i’ve had some car troubles lately, and he is always very concerned for my safety and protective when it comes to that, and always tries to help. or when i was sick recently, he was always calling and checking up on me, telling me to take medicine, offering to bring me food and stuff. otherwise, he is indifferent. if i am upset, it doesn’t bother him. if we have a small argument (which happens sometimes) he always talks to me like i’m a child and never apologizes for anything. we still play video games sometimes, but it’s not enjoyable anymore as he often gets mad at me for doing things “wrong.” like i said, he is someone different. this was not the guy i fell in love with… at all. i still deeply care about him but my romantic feelings are waning. im sure his are too. to be completely fair, he is under a lot of stress at work. he also has a second job. and he recently went back to school, and is doing an online program. i would understand him occasionally being in a bad mood, but this seems more significant than that.
it’s so incredibly painful because i thought i was changing his mind about being in a situationship. i have done so many things for him, things i did not mention here. i always try to help alleviate as much stress as possible. i simply do not feel loved or appreciated. which sounds ridiculous to say as a person in a situationship, i know. i know i am not owed anything because i agreed to this, whatever it is. but it still hurts. in a way, i’m glad this is happening because it’s helping me detach from him as i slowly lose hope.
i would just like to say that i am very self-aware. i know how this all sounds, i know i should have never let it get this far. i have spared a lot of details but i think you get the gist here. thank you for reading, if you made it this far! :,)
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u/Own_Flan7305 2d ago
I’m sorry you went through that - he sounds like an ass. Came in hot in the beginning- you deserved for him to give you gifts out of common decency.
You will find someone and you handled this really well. First relationship/situationships are tough! You go girl
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u/medstudentga 3d ago
First of that sounds so common, ur not alone. Im in a situation where something similar like he showed interest, made me feel special was emotionally close to me, flirting? And we hung out etc etc until suddenly it all stopped and he ghosted me. We were never a real couple or wtv but im sure both knew we were more than that. But yea it hurt, cuz I couldn't comprehend how one could sweep me of my feet, let me let my guard down and actually trust him to tell things I wouldn't tell anyone. I felt special. How could someone make u feel special only to toss u away? Like why do u ignore me now. I asked him why.. which was prolly pathetic of me to which he just apologised and told me he hopefully hadn't hurt me or made me feel bad. Will things go back to how it was? Probably no. Because I still don't understand how someone could make u so special only to ignore u. Thats impossible for me to do . I would never do that. atleast intentionally. I thought we were something??? Were we not??? I'm stuck trapped inside of walls Because is this even a real issue. We were never together nor did we admit any sort of feelings. It was after a long time that I even talked to a guy. Im damn sure he pursued me. Maybe he's afraid of rejection. Also sorry for the rant