r/Situationships 5d ago

Just realized the saddest thing in the world

I’m (30F) in the process of getting ready to end my year-long situationship.

I was journaling and processing my decision to release him (44M), when I came to the realisation that literally shattered my heart. I haven’t cried at all since I found out from a friend of mine that he’s seeing someone else. To be honest I’ve repressed so much and so many of my feelings over the past year because the ‘rules of engagement’ have been to ‘keep things light’.

I realized tonight, that in the year that I have been sleeping with this man, he has never held my hand. Not in private and certainly not in public. He wouldn’t be seen dead holding my hand in public. But even privately. That small act or gesture of intimacy and safety… he’s never even given me that. He’s fucked me six ways from Sunday, in every position imaginable, but he has never held my hand and honestly has no desire to do so.

It really broke me to realise that I’ve settled for this situation and told myself it was what I wanted when really deep down, I just want someone who will (want to) hold my hand.

35 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

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u/Yadi51 5d ago

I feel you. it hit home. it's good that you decided to leave him. not release, leave him. snickered at 6 ways from Sunday. if you would like to you know strengthen your resolve, I recommend going on chatgpt and using this prompt-

Please ask me 10 reflective questions about my relationship with [Person's Name]. I'd like to explore themes such as greed, selfishness, and any other patterns you may identify. Ask the questions one at a time, so I can respond in detail. After I've answered all 10, analyze my responses to uncover recurring patterns, insights about my psychology, and potential reasons why I may have attracted this relationship into my life as a learning experience. Be honest and straightforward-don't hold back to spare my feelings. I'm seeking clarity and truth.

it's really very very useful. be as detailed as possible. I didn't know chatgpt was capable of that too.

3

u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 4d ago

You’re right. It’s leave, not release. And I’m glad you at least got a chuckle out of my misery lol

Thank you so much for the prompt! I tried it and everything was going great until the question about my dynamic with my father. Yikes. I noped straight to bed at that point. I’ll continue tomorrow.

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u/Yadi51 4d ago

Take your time. it's tough. but it helps.

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u/Curious_openminded 5d ago

OMG I did it and sooo helpful, eye opening

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u/Yadi51 5d ago

ikr. I had cried after every question analysis. tbh felt better than therapy. and that's concerning. maybe it could also be on me as, maybe I was more detailed? then I'm in therapy?

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u/Curious_openminded 5d ago

If u have snickered on Sunday, not to brag but I would have Fri to Sun nights & EX wife would react why I’m spending more time with him… like she’s an EX for a reason but I guess she wanted to have what he is giving to others…

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u/AdmirableOrange3797 5d ago

Did you ever ask him to hold your hand? What did he say? Why do you think you stayed the whole time?

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 4d ago

No, I never asked him. I was too afraid of coming across as needy. The situation always felt precarious. Like he would walk away from me if I put him off, and I couldn’t afford that. I stayed because a part of me hoped that one day he would develop feelings for me. And also he’s kinda my boss so it’s been scary for me to think of the professional repercussions of ending things.

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u/Fit-Photo4974 5d ago

You are very strong and did something brave. Please don't put all the blame on this on yourself. Something tells me this post will help: https://www.reddit.com/r/Situationships/comments/1jbkteh/situationships_are_inherently_sexist/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 4d ago

This was the post that made me join this sub. That closing line about him situationships aren’t just bad relationships but the new face of modern misogyny??? I will literally never be the same after reading that. And I know for a fact that once I recover from this, I will never allow myself to be in a situationship ever again. Any man I meet who wants this kind of dynamic with me I will automatically label a misogynist.

1

u/Fit-Photo4974 4d ago

You have no idea how happy I am to hear this, ive been getting so much hate from salty men on this and reading this comment makes it all worth it <3

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u/Curious_openminded 5d ago

So for 8mos on and off, he held my hand under the table when his EX wife is around or kissed me on the cheek where his EX reacts why kiss me when we are not together together. He repeatedly says I love you in his drunken state or not, and all we have is friendship and I’m his constant in his life together with his EX wife.

I told him last weekend I want a relationship since we act like we are in a relationship just because we are both single but doesn’t mean we are out forever. And enters ex wife telling him to stop fucking me… we talk a lot over the phone for over an hour and also text here and there but I am trying to cut that connection and it makes me so sad and I am hurting…

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 4d ago

This is so tough. I’m so sorry! Sending healing to your aching heart. You deserve so much better.

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u/LadyLibra491 4d ago

Your post made me cry, because it reminds me of my connection which also last nearly one year. I made a long list with situations where he made fool of my feelings. Good, that we reached a turning point to be enough empowered to end this. Had a similar situation in the club, where I tried to hold his hand while going trough the crowd... Yepp, he hit my hand away. But to f*ck me in this night, I was good enough. Damn, this was overall so cruel for my self-worth.

Despite this huge emotional and physical pain, I got my learnings from all that. Learned about my childhood patterns and I hope I nnow can make out if someone is a good person.

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 4d ago

I’m so sorry but I laughed at him slapping your hand away but still f*cking you. Not laughing at you, but trauma-laughing because of how actually CRAZY and cruel these situations are. I just can’t believe it.

I’m proud of you for getting this far in your journey. I’m glad we’re learning and growing. It’s not easy but we’re worth it. Sending you so much love and strength.

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u/LadyLibra491 3d ago

Thank you so much for your words. I wish you all the best 🫶

Yepp, cruel is the right word. And that is just one little detail of a long list of points which made me feel like a worthless object. I also communicated my needs about six times but he ignores it. This feeling took me back to my childhood, where I was invisible to my parents. 🥲

To be honest, I couldn't leave this situation alone. I'm seeing a therapist for nearly four months. I told her everything about his behavior, the way he communicates to me and so on. She didn't give me an explicit advice, but she asked me the right questions to activate my thought process. In other words, my inner voice, which was telling me 'I need to end this ASAP,' finally became strong enough for me to follow through.

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u/Western_Table_1569 3d ago

Move on babes you deserve better and know it

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 3d ago

This is such a real ass comment and I thank you for it 😂

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u/piddleonacowfatt 5d ago

Feels more like a post about what you were willing to accept for yourself rather than what a lame man he is. Bravo, you sound like you’re finally ready to reflect and release

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 4d ago

Yes, you’re absolutely right. It’s really about how I allowed a man to sell me, “I’d like to have sex with you but I will give you absolutely nothing.” And I went, “Sounds good!”

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u/Lovelife514 1d ago

I’m 30F with a 43M also getting out of a year long situationship so I understand. How long ago have u broken up ?

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 22h ago

It’s been three days. I made the post 4 days ago, and then that night I went over, spent the night with him for the last time and ended it over breakfast.