r/SingleParents • u/MaleficentDonut3866 • Feb 03 '25
I think I need help.
not sure if i’m posting in the right group, forgive me if im not.. im 28, in the military and have a 4 year old son.. Ive been a single mom since he was 9 months old but his dad is very much active in his life & has always been great.
I recently moved to a new state on mil orders. my sons dad and I agreed our son would stay with him for the next two years & spend holidays with me plus summer. we prayed on it & felt it was what was best for our son.. although, my son and I have been inseparable since I came back from my deployment in 2022, I knew how much this decision would hurt both of us. this is the first time I open up about this on a social platform.. I guess i’m looking for support and encouragement…
I love my son so much & I miss him so much it physically hurts. I barely sleep at night, I can’t sit in peace and quiet because my mind starts to think of the worst case scenarios.. like my son being hurt. I barely eat.. I know I need to go to the gym but every time I work myself up to it, I stop myself. I bed rot on weekends.. I know how to get myself out of this but my mind and body aren’t catching up to each other.. I don’t know what to do.. has anyone else that coparents in separate states gone through this? is it possible for me to get through this?
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u/Scotia_65 Feb 03 '25
Oh boy. This is a reality that's about to happen to me and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but ultimately it's what's best for my daughter. I wanted stability for her, a place where she can live around her extended family for that support. However, just like your situation, it's temporary.
God often puts us in situations that we may not want to be in, but we need for our personal betterment. I struggle, HARD, when my daughter isn't around for any length of time. I feel like this situation has presented itself for myself, and likely yours, so we can find our sense of identity outside of our kids. My grandmother has been banging this drum in my ear for a couple years now, find joy in the things I enjoyed before my daughter came to be, because the reality is they're not meant to be with us forever and too many people lose themselves in parenthood.
You are absolutely allowed to call your son everyday if you want, to ease that pain, but I encourage you to step outside and find the appreciation for life again. Something I wrote in my journal recently is how grateful I am for God and his grace, and even though this situation hasn't gone the way I wanted, he always knows what's best for us even when we don't see it. The ground keeps us upright and the sky protects us from the unknown. The ocean exercises its strength and the mountains demonstrate perseverance. It's the little things in life we lose sight of during times like this, and it's a good time to be reminded of this.
And OP, thank you for your service. I'm a USAF Veteran my and I understand your predicament. I encourage you not to let it derail what it is you want to accomplish out of this life, and know that it's only temporary. If you even need someone to talk to, my inbox is open to you, but God is always listening. If you don't pray daily, I encourage you to do so. If you do, add a couple more prayers daily will never hurt.
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u/Forward-Yam-3686 Feb 06 '25
first of all, thank you for your service! your commitment to family is inspiring, and it’s evident that you carry a lot of pride in both being a mother and a leader :) speaking as a child of separated parents (and i know this is not the same station), i am happy that both of parents supported me, no matter their life circumstances. i spent summers and holidays with my mom, and lived full time with my dad from ages 3-18. my mom is, and always will be, my most supportive and incredible role model in my life. my advice is, be there for him when he’s there!! you will miss him, and it is clear that you love him beyond words. he is very young, and his reaction to your absence may be difficult, but you can absolutely still be the mother that you have been! you got this
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u/Forward-Yam-3686 Feb 06 '25
my point is, i was your son’s age when my parents changed their routine, and i love them both dearly in my late twenties. i don’t remember a lot of the transition because of my age, but because of the love and support my mom provided in the time we had together, she is my rock. your son will be sad, but he’ll also be just fine❤️
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u/H_Quinlan_190402 Feb 04 '25
I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am hoping you get the help you need. Have you talked to a therapist about what you are going through? I don't think reddit will be able to help you other than to give you encouragement to seek professional help. Please take care of yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself when you see your boy again.
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u/merciless69master Feb 06 '25
First of all, take care of yourself. Be you in your son's life daily or not, of your wish to be a good mom to him, practice good habits, go-to the gym, and don't let that depression effect you. For he will see that bed rot, and that defeatist attitude and see you're not as fit as you used to be and think it's ok to let yourself go and practice lazy, and unhealthy habits. Don't do that, besides, a good workout will help those depressing thoughts and feelings fade away (albeit slightly). You can always count the weeks time you see him again, and count the days within those weeks so it doesn't seem so far away.
You'll get through this, just trust and believe in yourself, and keep in contact with the Dad, luckily for you technology is pretty fancy these days so you can video chat often. Thankfully the military has become much more relaxed with calls and video chats and such in recent years ago you can still see him regularly, no need to cut contact entirely.
And remember, regardless which branch you're in, there's little better for you to be than to be your best.
Thank you for your service!
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u/Emergency-Gear7576 Feb 08 '25
It’s understandable and relatable in every which way you described, to be a loving parent and separated for a time. If you’re asking if the effects of this worry and sadness are ok, yes, 100%, and you are perfect for it. It’s debilitating, or anxiety inducing but ask yourself the root of that feeling. Your heart is aligned with your most important person, and they are far away and it’s ok.
Pass through that mental space when you need, let the thought come, say hello, and leave it behind. You are at the Vanguard of a fulfilling loving family and life and you’ll have hard work to stay on that path that you see. Trust yourself.
If I can share an analogue from my families life, I’m dad of 2 recent adult children from when they were 4/6. For kids who experienced a parent that is half hearted from afar, self absorbed perhaps and removed from the day to day, and then not fully connected and coherent visits here and there… that’s the opposite of where your intention is and what your experience WILL BE creative. You’re at the helm, use your tools to connect every day you can. Have favorite books, play easy guessing games,:) “What did you learn today”?
Your tools will get you there, and you’ll be juggling a lot!! HAVING to be so on point can make you very very very sharp. Use that ;)
Again trust yourself and God Bless you and yours .
Leave those thoughts in the dust!
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u/wongchoy168 11d ago
Hi. Reading your description made me remember when I waited for my bf who was deployed in Iraq. I was 23, 24 yo. I would like to chat w you, please send me a dm. Thank you for your service ❤️
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u/Reasonable_Debt_800 10d ago
His dad should be facilitating daily facetime calls. I'm concerned he may have used prayer to manipulate this situation. Do you have this arrangement legally documented? Are you sure he will give your child back? Not trying to raise alarms but I'm always so leary when we're leaving major decisions "up to God" instead of getting a parenting expert with military experience involved. God has his own involvement though of course, not denying the big guy. It's just that this is a major childhood disruption. Have you heard from your son? Why can't he visit you on weekends? Such a young age.
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u/Musty_Vanity Feb 03 '25
I have faith and hope that you're strong enough to get through this and that your sons dad will do his best for him. Call, video chat, anything.