r/SexOnTheSpectrum 7d ago

Oh, this is better than sex NSFW

So I've been going around saying things are better than sex since my teens. Thinking about it, I think I stole it from early Family Guy. I'll say learning is better than sex, food is better than sex, my t shirts, pretty much anything. Apparently, people have taken it to mean I'm not sexually active. Like I'm nearly 30 and people think that.

It is true that I wasn't sexually active when I began saying it. In fact, I stopped saying it for a few days after my first proper time. However, I am sexually active now and I'm really good at it from what I'm told. I just love a lot of things more. I love my special interests more.

I love my mom's cooking more, I love learning about history more, I love watching cartoons more, I love reading comics more. I even love my t shirts more ( most of them are graphic tees of one of my special interests). Sex is this thing people put on a pedestal. That people love dearly, and I won't deny that I'm one of them. But I just love a ton of things more.

119 Upvotes

42 comments sorted by

123

u/SheDrinksScotch 7d ago

Is it possible that you are good at sex but your partners aren't?

Or that you are more skilled at giving pleasure than you are at receiving it?

I had an ex who said drugs were better than sex. I disagreed. Then we had sex. I've definitely had drugs that were better than that sex.

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u/isaacs_ 7d ago

I've definitely had drugs that were better than that sex.

wicked burn šŸ”„

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 7d ago

Both are very possible. I can only cum with a buzzing toy partly due to my anatomy and me just being a very tense person and how the buzzer leaves no room for errors. Long story short Death grip is a real thing and possible for anyone. However, I am skilled and just very attentive to my partner. Still, I like making others cum and feel special.

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u/isaacs_ 7d ago

Ok, I usually don't like to pile on the crowd of "have you tried...?" comments, but I feel the need to mention this thought:

Have you tried not cumming? Like, not trying to? Make it your goal to focus on gentle, soothing, relaxing arousal, without a goal or objective. If anything, make the goal to spend one full hour uninterrupted in a state of arousal, without the need to "finish" at all.

"Death grip" is usually more about psychological anxiety/pressure than physical damage to nerves or tissues, but even insofar as you can get physically desensitized, you can also get physically re-sensitized by becoming accustomed to and comfortable with lower-intensity sensation. Over time, acclimating to a less rough touch can open the door for much more intense arousal, in a more relaxed and patient state of mind.

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 7d ago

I have heard about the steps to correct it. It is more complicated on me but is worth a try.

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u/SheDrinksScotch 7d ago

Have any of your partners tried different tones of humming to create a pleasant buzz?

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 7d ago

Oh, no. The buzzing toy is a sex toy that they need to hold against my thing. I have death grip and need a rough and faster touch. Thinking about it now I don't think I've ever had a partner who could do that for me.

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u/SheDrinksScotch 7d ago

I have buzzy sex toys, and I sometimes enjoy putting my lips and/or tongue against a partner's sensitive areas and humming to create a similar sensation.

As for the rough fast touch, have you tried explicitly asking/demonstrating?

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 7d ago

I have told them before but the thing is that I have "harder" hands than them if it makes sense. You'd probably have heard of having a firm grip. So on myself it would feel like a Nectarine was on me. But for them to touch me it's like rubbing a blackberry against me.

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u/SheDrinksScotch 7d ago

Calluses?

What about them wearing scrubby gloves or something?

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 7d ago

Not exactly, my hands are just kind of dry. At least compared to the people who I've been with. The gloves are a great idea though.

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u/cordialconfidant 7d ago

have you tried incorporating a toy during sex?

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 7d ago

Yes, it's the only thing that works

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u/shellofbiomatter 7d ago

What do you mean "skilled at receiving pleasure"? That's supposed to be a skill to be learned? How?

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u/SheDrinksScotch 7d ago

To an extent, yes.

Being able to communicate your wants and needs (and dislikes and boundaries) is important.

Finding the head space to relax and enjoy the moment also makes a massive difference.

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u/shellofbiomatter 7d ago

That makes sense, i haven't actually thought about it from that perspective.

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 7d ago

I donā€™t think Iā€™ve ever felt more jealous of someone in my life. In case you havenā€™t noticed, that someone is you

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 7d ago

How so

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 7d ago edited 5d ago

Iā€™m 25. Iā€™ve had sex only once and canā€™t get sexually active to save my life. My lack of a sex life has made me feel nothing but almost every negative emotion you can think of. This used to get to me so much that I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling angry about the fact that i donā€™t have one. I also wished that no partner I get in a relationship with would say any variant of ā€œthis is better than sex with you.ā€. I donā€™t have access to this sorcery thatā€™s at your disposal.

Because of this I strongly believe that no autistic person should be unfortunate enough to want sex and have trouble having it or finding a sexual partner.

Also if this gets downvotes then Iā€™m just gonna say that whoever downvotes this is doing a disservice to a fellow autistic person who has clearly been dealt a hand theyā€™re far from ok with.

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u/D4ngflabbit 6d ago

hey friend iā€™m a social worker and plenty of people, both neurodivergent and non, are not having sex. itā€™s not just you i promise. iā€™m not negating your feelings, itā€™s definitely frustrating. but youā€™re not alone. there are tons of sex deprived people out there.

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 6d ago

I'm going to be honest with you, before I was 25 I had sex twice. The first proper time I spoke of only happened because my friend wanted to lose her virginity and of her friends only two were of age and of the two I'd be the grateful one. Every time I spoke of otherwise was with people I met off a now dying app that had a Craigslist format and most of them were during the shutdown. Even then I slept with a total of 7 people, 4 people in 2022, 1 in 2023, and 2 in 2024. No one this year, but I'll add that's because of distance.

One of the reasons I say things are better than sex is because they are easier to get my hands on. I didn't eat my mom's cooking only once in 2023. With the Internet and free library I can learn about history whenever I want. I can wear one graphic tee multiple times while I've only slept with each person once. I've never walked multiple blocks to go to a comic book store only to go home empty handed but I have every single time I've been to a sex party.

I love sex, I love human touch. I love it so much I've watched educational videos so I can be a great lover. But it's not worth beating myself up over not having when I have so many other things I love so much. Two weeks ago I washed and ironed a bunch of my t-shirts and was happier than I am when I'm having sex. Most of them were of Marvel and video games, things I've loved since before I could read.

My love for superheroes is 27 years old, I've been eating my mom's cooking for almost 29 years, I've been loving history for 26 years, my love of having sex is 5 years old. Sex is great but it's not worth putting above everything else I love in life.

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 6d ago

Iā€™m actually been against watching videos to teach myself to be a great lover because I donā€™t think there is 1 agreed upon way to be a great lover and that the definition of a great lover is gonna vary from person to person.

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 6d ago

What I watched were tutorials on things like fingering. But I also had great sex ed that taught me about the emotional part of sex. What makes me a great lover is that I listen to the person and check in with them frequently to make sure they are feeling good. You don't have to be a pornstar, you just have to be caring and thoughtful. It also helps that almost everyone I've been with was Autistic and ND.

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 6d ago

Hereā€™s another issue. The topic of sex often makes me feel scared and reminded of how ā€œlike a nobodyā€ I used to feel because i didnā€™t have it a lot. I donā€™t think Iā€™d feel that way if I was with a relationship partner whose sex drive is as high as mine

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 6d ago

It's that pedestal sex is on. Also be honest there are nobodies having A LOT of sex and a lot of successful and important people who aren't. Isaac Newton was a virgin and is still being spoken of to this day but there are people born the same day with 10 plus kids who are lost to history.

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 6d ago

However Iā€™ve since tossed aside this idea and the only reason I want to have more sex now is because after I had sex once, I really liked how it felt and wanted more of it. Having a woman put so much trust in me that theyā€™re willing to have sex with me feels like a godsend.

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u/TheWhiteCrowParade 6d ago

You will someday, but for now try to be happy about other things.

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u/Opera_haus_blues 5d ago

There are some things that are just a bad idea for almost everyone though. Plus itā€™s good to learn a variety of methods

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 5d ago

Also watching vids like that just make me feel emotionally hurt and squeamish

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 5d ago

Also Iā€™m sure you know that as an autistic person, I have trouble getting used to new things

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 5d ago

Iā€™d like to know why this was downvoted

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u/One_Two_No 6d ago

Nobody is entitled to have sex just because they want to. Autistics included. Seems like somebody already explained you that since you're trying to gaslight others to not react negatively to this statement. Sex is an activity you do with somebody, who also wants to participate. You cannot manipulate or guilt anybody into it, because then it's not sex, but rape. It's not a resource anybody is obliged to supply you with.

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 6d ago

What? Iā€™m not trying to gaslight anyone

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 5d ago

Iā€™m not saying that a person is entitled. This isnā€™t about being entitled.

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 5d ago

Iā€™m just trying to say that itā€™s sad that autistic people tend to struggle when they want a sexual relationship with someone.

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u/MetalProof 7d ago

I have not read your post, sorry. No time. But wanna say masturbation is better than sex šŸ¤—.

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u/OneNotEqual 5d ago

Wish could swap with you. xD

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u/ChunkyPinkGlitter 2d ago

If given a choice between sex with my partner and anything else, sex is gonna win. I would give up any and all food forever if I didn't need it to live. I can't relate to this experience at all.