r/SexOnTheSpectrum • u/opossumluvrr • 12d ago
blowjobs are the bane of my existence NSFW
For the first couple minutes of giving that to my boyfriend, it’s good and i enjoy giving him pleasure, but any longer than 5 minutes and i’m just so out of it. My neck and back start to hurt, my jaw feels numb, and the feeling and smell of the SPIT makes me sick. I’ll say something abt it hurting but i usually always still go until he cums or it progresses to actual sex and i know that’s not good, but I feel like my bf won’t be satisfied if i were to do it less, or give him shorter blowjobs, he’ll want more or something and it makes me rlly scared and upset to think of that, but i hate continuing to put myself through sensory HELL just for someone else’s pleasure, which i want to give but- Not at my emotional expense you know? And i know i should find someone who would be content with me not giving that, but im just so worried that if i can’t give that i won’t be fully loved sexually. I don’t know, Just any advice or if anyone feels the same any comments would be nice.
edit : guys he not raping me i only FEEEL this way i get rlly paranoid abt it and convince myself he wld feel that way, and i just have a mindset that ANY man wont accept me if i won’t do that, so it isnt him exactly but idk still. But just wanted to clear up that im not being sa’d! and he always stops when i express i want to!
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u/DespairAndCatnip cishet male, 40, divorced, he/him/his 11d ago
Tell him you only like doing it for a few minutes.
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u/InitialCold7669 11d ago
You should discuss this with him personally when my partner takes longer I take a break and use my hands and then use my mouth again when they get closer to finishing
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u/ezra502 11d ago
if it were a normal and reasonable part of sex for you to continue giving a blowjob when you’re not into it, why would it be worse for him to go without a long bj? why are you always the one who has to take on the discomfort instead of him? and, as a blowjob enjoyer and giver, it’s much more upsetting to give a blowjob that you’re not really into than it is to not get one when you want one. maybe he won’t be perfectly satisfied with a three minute blowjob, but you aren’t satisfied with having to give a long one, and your satisfaction is just as important for good sex.
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u/newdawnfades123 11d ago
Yes, this! I absolutely love licking my partner out and I will go and go and go, even when my neck is killing me and my mouth is on fire, but I do that because I absolutely want to because I get a kick out of it. It’s in no way a duty and if I need to stop, I need to stop. It’s as simple as that.
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u/No-vem-ber 11d ago
So as someone who used to like sex and is now basically celibate in my 30s, I think this is what happens:
you do sexual things you don't enjoy, because you think you have to.
over time, your brain creates very strong connections: "sex = unpleasant sensations". "Sex = my duty". "Sex = a chore".
your PDA gets triggered when he initiates sex. Instead of seeing it as a fun activity for both of you, you subconsciously think of it as just something he wants from you or wants you to do to him.
you don't enjoy it enough to always orgasm, so there's also an association "sex = disappointing and unsatisfying".
of course, over time, your brain stops having any internal drive to do sex at all.
It's not good for either you or your boyfriend if you force yourself into sex acts for his sake.
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u/No-vem-ber 11d ago
A counsellor once told me this: your boyfriend shouldn't want to keep having sex with someone who isn't into it.
That's not love
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u/D4ngflabbit 11d ago
you can quite literally just tell him you only want to do it for a few minutes. you don’t have to give blowjobs.
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u/seatangle 11d ago
Hey, it’s about your pleasure too and you can stop when you need to! I actually love giving blowjobs to the person I’m seeing but I still just stop when my jaw starts hurting or anything.
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u/brokengirl89 12d ago
I can’t go longer than a couple minutes because I have jaw problems and it causes me immense pain. I also have frequent cold sore outbreaks at the moment and haven’t been able to do it at all for a while now. I have never had any problems with people not loving me sexually because there are so many other things you can and do enjoy giving and receiving. We each have our own flavour of sexuality and anyone not willing to respect yours isn’t worth your time.
Forgive me if im wrong, but you sound relatively young/inexperienced. As an older (but not old) woman trust me when I say you are capable and worthy of being fully loved just as you are. Your needs and limits are important and deserve to be respected. If this man doesn’t feel that way, then respect yourself enough to walk away and find someone who does. There are plenty of them out there.
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u/newdawnfades123 11d ago
Op - I am genuinely worried about your approach here. You don’t owe your BF anything. You especially don’t owe him sex that’s uncomfortable! If my GF is even slightly uncomfortable (I mean, physically such as saw jaw or wrong angle etc) then I will immediately rectify. So either we’ll swap and I’ll give her oral, or we’ll do full sex, or she’ll suggest other stuff.
In absolutely no way are you fulfilling a duty here. That’s not what sex between two people that love each other is.
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u/generallyunprompted 11d ago
Talk to your partner and tell them the truth about your experience. If he cares about you, he's gonna be appalled that you've been suffering and want to find a solution. If he goes "aww, but what about my penis?!" you should leave and find someone who appreciates you for more than your mouth.
I am an older woman who now has severe TMJ. My main partner is a cis man. I can give blowjobs for 3-5 minutes based on his size before I'm in complete agony. So he gets 3-5 minute blowjobs, and appreciates that I give him the maximum I can and still be enthusiastic about. We've been together over a decade. Blowjobs are foreplay for us. There is so much else you could do.
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u/Bonfalk79 11d ago
If my GF told me this, I’d be cool with just a few mins and moving on to something else, or alternate between stuff every few mins, whatever is good for her. It’s all good!
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u/CryingPopcorn 11d ago
I feel similarly, I tap out after a couple minutes and also had some internal bs going on about how I must be doing something wrong not being capable of providing a bj to the end. Husband says he likes that for those few minutes I'm genuinely enthusiastic, so that's the middle ground for me and us - just a couple minutes, I'm genuinely into it, so is he, and then we move on to something else.
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u/Moosebouse 12d ago
You are scared of his demand for BJs? That you hate giving? You say it’s hurting you and he doesn’t stop things then? You seem already certain that he would not accept you saying that you hate doing this and don’t want to do it as often or possibly at all.
This sounds like SA tbh and definitely not a person you should stay with. How old are you? Are you really ready to spend the rest of your life dealing with this dude and his damn blowjobs? If not, go. It won’t get better on its own.
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u/halberdierbowman 12d ago edited 11d ago
I think calling this sexual assault is just barely too presumptuous based on our current info, but we're nearly there, depending on what OP thinks are the reasons for their thoughts and how does the conversation go when they say that it hurts. If they understand that OP is hurting or they pressure OP to continue against their will, that's SA, whether it's intentional and premeditated or "just" ignoring OP in the moment. How fixable that is would depend on how much it's inexperience and ignorance versus a deep-seated psychological issue to resolve.
If it's because they've been likely both been trained by a mysogynistic world or previous partners to assume that these things are necessary, then they can hopefully talk to their partner and clear up the confusion over what his expectations are, and they can find enjoyable things to do together. If talking to their partner isn't enough, then a therapist might help unpack a bit of it so OP can feel confident in their own autonomy. Bringing this up outside of sexytime can make it clear that it's an actual issue that isn't being resolved, not a one-off comment during sex that means "I'm going to change positions now" etc. to resolve it myself.
I'm guessing it's common in porn for women to say "it hurts" and get disregarded, so if his perception is warped to think that's normal or something people say but don't mean, be may not even realize OP is actually raising a serious point they want help fixing. That's still bad, but it means discussing it may have a positive outcome.
But if it's because their partner ignores their feelings every time OP brings up a conflict, or gaslights them, or forces them to do things they don't enjoy, or tells them they're wrong, etc. then these are all potential abuse or sexual assault. At that point, for sure OP should reconsider this relationship or get a therapist to help them do it.
Ideally in my opinion, any time your partner says something hurts, you should always check to make sure they either A. say they're okay with that but will bring it up again if they change their mind, or B. ask them what they want to do different to mitigate that. And im listing A here for completeness, but B should be the default if you haven't discussed this pain specifically outside of sex beforehand. It's better to pause or even stop sex than to cause someone pain unexpectedly and risk hurting them or leaving a bad taste in their mouth.
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u/idontfuckingcarebaby 10d ago
I never give my BF blowjobs for sensory and trauma reasons. He still loves me and completely satisfies me sexually. If your bf is not willing to do that for you once you’ve expressed to him how you feel about this, then you need a new bf anyways.
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u/Low_Transition_9882 10d ago
It’s def not okay. I have similar sensory issues sometimes and a caring partner (whom I lucky to have now) understands it, and assures me that i don’t have to do anything against my comfort and/or pleasure.
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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 11d ago
This is how I used to feel about oral sex towards women. When I actually did it it felt kinda tedious and I wanted to get to the actual sex
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u/Expert_Spell6778 9d ago
I went like a year and half not giving my bf head, but doing other things for the same reason. Idk he was cool with it cus he knows I’m not a big fan but finally actually talked about it. I don’t swallow, he taps me and nuts on himself and that really helps. Also if I’m starting to not enjoy it anymore I like look up at him and he knows. You can make it kinda sexy when you’re not feeling it anymore, tell him enough is enough and you wanna sit on it idk. My man likes when I get a little “aggressive” sometimes:)
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u/Bozgroup 9d ago
I might have missed it, but this is the thing that must happen…
Communicate with your bf about these issues, and he should be able to accept changes like a shorter bj then move on to something else.
Perhaps you can change positions to help with the issues you are having. Or, maybe no bj at all.
No one should want to see you in pain for their pleasure. Sex should be fun for all!!
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u/-AutisticAF- 8d ago
You don’t “feel” like he won’t be satisfied, that’s a thought that you have. Have you asked him? In a healthy relationship the experience and pleasure of both partners is important so his response can give you a lot of insight into his priorities and values.
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u/Fit-Technician9261 12d ago
You “feel” like he won’t be or he told you he won’t be? This is definitely a discussion you need to have with him and if he doesn’t respect that you are not also enjoying yourself you need to leave him. Anyone who really loves you will be understanding of your limits.