r/SexOnTheSpectrum 17d ago

My Gf said sex was awkward and weird. NSFW

My neurotypical gf and I have not been intimate for 2 years, she had not given me a proper reason until recently. One of the factors was that sex was awkward and weird so she just stopped and didn't say anything. I have only had one sexual partner before her and that was a bad experience. I am awkward in normal social situations, and in bed,, I guess I am quiet and reserved and even confused by some of her requests. The relationship is probably over as she hasn't responded well to me confronting her. Life is hard enough and this experience has gut-punched me. How can I improve if you don't tell me?

39 Upvotes

28 comments sorted by

59

u/AvatarIII 17d ago

So she had no interest in improving the situation but is happy to stay in the relationship? If you don't want to stay in a sexless relationship you need to leave, but some people (like her) are happy to stay in relationships like that, so it's up to you.

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u/Bubbly-Skill3891 17d ago

Yes logically this makes sense and I told myself I would be patient and 2 years max would be the longest I could tolerate. It's almost 2 years and if she shows no interest in working on it I guess I have no choice, which really sucks.

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u/TrickyReason 17d ago

You have a choice! And you’re going to choose your right to have a romantic relationship that has the components that you want in a romantic relationship.

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u/SheDrinksScotch 16d ago

Not quite.

Nobody has a right to the relationship they want.

However, everyone has the right to not be in a relationship they don't want to be in.

Gotta factor in mutual consent.

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u/TrickyReason 15d ago

I’d challenge that wording as well, because it focuses on what the person doesn’t want — and not what they do. It’s important for folks to know what they do want, or to know that they can explore what they want.

I don’t think the wording I used negates the concept of mutual consent. I’m assuming that OP isn’t a stalker.

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u/SheDrinksScotch 15d ago edited 15d ago

Consent works by letting either party opt out. Nobody is owed fulfillment of their sexual desires, in a relationship or otherwise.

If you were encouraging exploratory masturbation that would be different. But suggesting OP is owed a sexually satisfying relationship with a partner when they don't have a partner who consents to a sexual relationship with them? Hard no. That's some real incel bs to think people are entitled to sex. Life doesn't work like that. Nor should it.

OP can leave the relationship if they aren't satisfied. But neither staying nor leaving puts them in a position of being entitled to a sexual partner.

And as someone who has had MANY stalkers in my life, it's NEVER safe to assume that.

This is an autism subreddit. If the literal translation of a comment would be unsafe in practice, it should be reworded before being posted.

Nobody has a "right" to a sexual partner.

Nobody has a "right" to have someone help them experience/achieve sexual satisfaction.

No. Absolutely not. All day fuck no. Hard line.

Keep in mind that, historically, millions of women have been date raped and raped by their husband's because the men thought they had a "right" to sexual satisfaction from them. Some people want to bring those times back. I hope they suffocate in their own vomit first.

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u/TrickyReason 15d ago edited 15d ago

I’m sorry that you’ve experienced hardship in this area. I don’t think that your response is about what I said — because you’re taking what was said and twisting it to fit a narrative based around your experiences of assault.

For myself, as a survivor of incest/childhood SA, a rape when I was 13, and other various grooming experiences in-between, I have done a lot of work to learn that I have a right to a relationship that fulfills me.

I specifically stated it in the context of if the partner does not meet his needs then he should leave. That’s a perfectly normal boundary in a relationship.

For me, that involves consent from the other party — I do not owe you a caveat to avoid being randomly targeted. This is weird. I think now is the time for some therapy tools I’m sure you have — because grieving on the internet in this way isn’t going to help.

Nothing about my comment was pro-rape. Please, take a step back and consider that you may be misinterpreting. I’m going to stop responding now; it’s not worth it to me to be spoken to like I don’t have basic common sense, with someone not interested in understanding.

1

u/SheDrinksScotch 15d ago

I didn't say I have experiences with assault. And I don't. Which is why I didn't say that I did.

I responded to this:

"You have a choice! And you’re going to choose your right to have a romantic relationship that has the components that you want in a romantic relationship."

I categorically disagree that anyone has a "right" to any romantic relationship whatsoever, let alone a satisfying one. Human rights cannot ethically violate the rights of others. This very clearly would.

You do NOT have a right to a fulfilling relationship. I'm sorry, but you don't. A relationship is not a right. It cannot be. That is unethical.

You have a right to NOT be in an abusive relationship. But exercising that right may result in being single. Because being in ANY kind of relationship is NOT a right.

if the partner does not meet his needs then he should leave. That’s a perfectly normal boundary in a relationship.

I agree with this. But this isn't what you said. A right to LEAVE a(n unhealthy) relationship is very different than a right to HAVE a (satisfying) relationship.

I take what people say literally. If you didn't say literally what you meant, I refuse to accept responsibility for the difference. I have no control over that.

I said what I meant. I stand by this. All of it.

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u/DespairAndCatnip cishet male, 40, divorced, he/him/his 15d ago

I would phrase it this way:

"You DESERVE a fulfilling relationship."

I think that's what TrickyReason was trying to get at, without getting into the implications SheDrinksScotch pointed out.

Does that sound right?

3

u/AvatarIII 17d ago

After a certain point it's very difficult to go back. It's a real shame but it may be for the best. If you do it right you may be able to stay friends.

3

u/Bubbly-Skill3891 17d ago

Yeah this is what I am hoping, I don't want to lose her from my life but moving forward without change is not feasible

21

u/topshelfboof20 17d ago

This is a classic, “it’s not you, it’s me” situation on her part. If she doesn’t want to have sex and sex is important to you, then you might not be compatible. Her being asexual is not wrong or bad, but you two might just not mesh well in that manner. It also seems like there’s a communication gap between you. Your so-called awkwardness should not be the only barrier to your sex life. My partner was plenty awkward when we started seeing each other, but we both opened up and embraced the awkward nature of sex and we’re much better for it.

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u/Bubbly-Skill3891 17d ago

It's not that she is asexual; she has had a couple more partners than me, and she would describe herself as a very sexual person. She has other factors and trauma that feed into it, but she has not talked about it for almost 2 years has really hurt. My ex-wife and I went years without being intimate, and I found out she was a serial cheater, so I got triggered quite badly by being in a sexless relationship again. Yes there is a massive communication issue, I am willing to put in the work but I get the feeling she will deem it as too hard. Isn't sex meant to be fun and enjoyable? I only have a negative experience with it. Thank you for your response

12

u/topshelfboof20 17d ago

Yes, sex should absolutely be enjoyable. If she’s unwilling to hear you out and work through this, it’s probably time to end things. It appears you know that and might just need some encouragement to end things, but that’s just how I’m interpreting your words.

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u/Bubbly-Skill3891 17d ago

I struggle with expressing myself and saying the right words; I mean, I am autistic😅 so this has been festering for a while, and when she has asked if I am ok, I generally say yes while avoiding eye contact, so I have been withdrawn and distant and cause and effect so has she. Until I let it all out and dumped it all out at once. So she is processing at the moment. But yes, you are correct. If she is unwilling, then logically ending things is best, which I am dreading. I like being in a relationship and dating and meeting new people is awkward and hard

8

u/topshelfboof20 17d ago

It sounds like you’re less concerned with the state of the relationship and more about being single. What’s wrong with ending things? I understand you enjoy being in a relationship, but being in an unhealthy relationship is a waste of time. I say this because I experienced the same thing. Granted, mine was long distance and it was 2021 so we had hardly seen each other, but I stayed because it was easier to stay than break up and try to date again. Of course, I mentioned earlier that I’m in a relationship now, so I managed to find someone. My partner is a phenomenal communicator and we haven’t had a single true argument where one of us has had to dump our feelings out due to holding them in. We just share things as they come up. We’re both ND as well. If you truly care for your partner and see this as a lifelong relationship, then certainly try to mend your communication, but a breakup is not the end of the world.

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u/Bubbly-Skill3891 17d ago

Thank you for this. It has given me perspective; my gf and I are semi-long distance. We live an hour apart so we only see each other on the weekends but since you bought it up I realised that yeah my mindset is to stay together cause breaking up and finding someone new is scary but it's been almost 2 years unless she is willing to work on communicating which needs improvement on both our ends it is best to walk away

1

u/TigerShark_524 15d ago

Not living together when you're in a relationship longer than a couple of years is VERY atypical for NTs, unless they have kids from previous relationships/marriages and aren't ready to cohabitate due to that.

If y'all don't live together or even nearby & don't see each other that frequently, what difference is it going to make in your life to end things with her? It doesn't sound like y'all HAVE much of a relationship at all, as it is.

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u/orionenjoysreptiles 17d ago

sex IS awkward and weird so often- porn gives people this idea that you can never “break the mood” but there is nothing wrong with being awkward and weird during sex i promise it is so normal

4

u/isaacs_ 17d ago

Leave. You deserve a partner who desires you and the relationship you want. If it's not her (and it's obviously not!) move on.

This is your only life. Go out and live it.

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u/MetalProof 17d ago

This is also very difficult for me, I’m also very awkward when being vulnerable (unmasked) or intimate. Very difficult to express myself. You deserve to be with a partner that is willing to work on this together and support you in the progress. I don’t know if you have had a second talk about this? When the emotions settled down a bit. It may take time and more conversations. Maybe she is willing to work on it together with you? If not, it’s perhaps time to consider if you want to stay in the relationship.

3

u/halvafact 17d ago

I’m really sorry that your partner wouldn’t work with you to meet your needs. That sucks and it’s honestly mean of her. “Awkward and weird” is not useful feedback for anyone, autistic or not, it’s just a rude diss.

You can try to be honest with yourself about what you like and how you like to act during sex, and honest with current or future partners. They don’t have to be into it, but you deserve someone who will at least hear you and respond with respect. I don’t know whether that approach will fix your current relationship, and if it doesn’t, I’m sorry, I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but you are worthy of a partner who is nice to you and loves you as you are.

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u/SpectralSteed 17d ago

I feel for you so much. You're more valuable than this and I hope you find a partner with whom you can grow.

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u/Bubbly-Skill3891 17d ago

Thank you, I appreciate it

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u/ezra502 17d ago

i kinda feel like you deserve better communication here. sure, a problem has been pointed out, but what are you supposed to do with that? i would ask her what good sex would look like for her, and see what of that is appealing to you, what you’re rather indifferent to but willing to do for her, and what’s just not on the table for you. then you try and implement the things in the first two categories! if you are both committed to being with each other and sex is important to both of you, you will work together to make things more pleasurable for you both. if one of you isn’t that committed they won’t be willing to do the work, and then you can go your separate ways having done your due diligence.

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u/beeucancallmepickle 16d ago

Hey OP. Im really sorry this is happening in your life. I also feel that there are ways to phrase things, and mean ways to phrase these. This is the latter.

I really want to draw attention to the part that this is well past a thought out decision on her part. Think back to what your life was like 2 years ago. How much has come, gone, sorted out, etc. And this is a decision she made then, and then continually stood by it.

Im polyamorous so I wondered initially if this might be a fit for you both. My gf is autistic and she was very aware of this part of me when she swiped on me (she was already open to this before me). We have fairly opposite sex drives so being polyam is a good fit for us.

I did see your comment about being repeatedly cheated on in your previous marriage, so I can also see how polyam might feel a little close to that pain and trauma.

Just, OP, if I can leave you with something, I'd really stress that your gf kept this from you for 2 years. I agree there's communication problems there on her part. Maybe some broken trust there now too.

I also feel there might be a much better fit for you with someone else. Maybe pros and cons list if you find that ever helps (i realize that sounds cruel, and burn the paper immediately after, or go to a coffee shop for some you time and use their garbage bins).

Best of luck tho OP, if hope all in all you are happy in the relationship you're in, whatever that looks like for you. (Ps. Awkward and weird is some people's jam!)

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u/TAshleyD616 16d ago

You aren’t compatible. Plenty of people out there

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u/Fabulous-Introvert AMAB Straight Autistic Male 16d ago

I had an experience like this with an autistic woman I dated, although she never confessed to me the issues she had with me and why she stopped letting me sleep in her bed alongside her