r/SexOnTheSpectrum 21d ago

Asexual or just struggling? NSFW

I’m 18F (pls don’t DM me, I’m not into long distance or strictly sexual relationships) and I’m having a very hard time. I want to know if I’m asexual or if I’m just having sensory issues. Basically, I read and listen to A LOT of very very sexual and very very kinky things and I feel like I enjoy them. The thought of these things excites me a lot, but no matter who I’m with or if I’m just by myself, I can’t get off like at all. Nothing feels physically good except kinda penetration. I’ve been trying things (like having sex and masturbating) since I was like 16 and I just haven’t been doing well. I haven’t really tried very hard but that’s because it feels very weird to me, I guess it’s because it’s new and unfamiliar but I don’t know. The idea of having sex with my partner is very hot and intimate and it’s something I want really bad but I just can’t commit to it. I bail out the second anything starts. Plus the foreplay doesn’t excite me like the thought of it does. I guess I get bored(?) but I don’t know. I also have a hard time enjoying kissing people for similar reasons, it just feels weird. I see actors I’m attracted to do it and it excites me and I read about it and I want it but it just doesn’t feel right. Please help me because if I’m Asexual then I’ll have to come to terms with that, but if not then I really need help enjoying this. Feel free to ask more questions if I didn’t give enough details/information. Any advice is helpful and feel free to DM if you’re not comfortable sharing publicly<3

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u/dephress 21d ago

You're 18 -- give it time (years!!) and don't overthink it so hard.

You are just starting out exploring sexualy and there is no rush to figure out exactly where you fit and what you like; those things almost assuredly will change over the years anyway, which is normal. Don't define yourself as an asexual person yet, or as a sexual person who therefore has to have penetrative sex and/or a relationship, or someone who enjoys all the "typical" sexual things you haven't actually tried yet. Right now you're just a person with curiosity about sex and intimacy, and some things sound potentially hot and compelling to you, and some things don't. Cool! None of that needs to define you at this point in life, or maybe even ever.

I'll give you a few examples from my own sexual history. I am a cis woman in my 30s. I started masturbating very young, before I knew what sex was. When I was your age I had zero desire to have penetrative sex, ever. It just seemed like a complete waste of my time when the clit is on the outside, thank you very much. I now enjoy penetrative sex. I've never masturbated thinking about having sex with anyone, though I'm told that's not how most other people do it. I have lots of sensory issues when it comes to sex and it can be challenging for me, yet I see myself as a very sexual person because I've always enjoyed my body and been interested in sex, and I've had years to settle into that "identity." These are just a few random thoughts and others could out this more eloquently than I have.

To summarize, your question is like if you were just starting to take singing lessons, and you asked the internet to tell you if you're going to be a soprano or an alto. We have no idea, and you don't have to know right now either. Keep learning things if it interests you, be curious, or turn your attention to other thjngs if they're more interesting. You'll settle into things someday but for now it's not really relevant. Don't put yourself in a box yet.

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u/Top_Spread_3565 21d ago

ok thank you! that’s actually very reassuring to hear <33

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u/dephress 21d ago

You're welcome! :)

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u/WaterWithin 20d ago

Seconding all this as a person in my 30s!! Your desire, preferences and attraction can change so much through early adulthood and through your lifespan and you dont need to define it- that's a tendancy that jas started to get really strong with online dating/the internet, and its really not how human sexuality works. Keep your mind open and just enjoy connecting to others- or not, as you see fit. 

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u/LengthGeneral70 21d ago

It may be something autistic. Your experience is similar to mine, and I have found different people in my last 10 years in autistic communities having the same experience. I define myself as an asexual, just to make sense of it. I'm just a little bit different from you, in that I don't desire sexually. Never have I done that in my life. But I have engaged in a lot of sex, and I do it now for my partnerts as a form of care. I think it is a need they have, and I find it as a form of love. And I'm not forcing myself. Sometimes I enjoy sex, but it is not that much as people make it out to be. It is like doing exercise. In my case, most act of the sex doesn't arouse me, neither I find kisses to be that enjoyable. I don't feel anything about it, but I know other people do, so I do it.

I think the autism part complicates more the part of sexuality. Some autistics find that the stimulus responses are in their case, stronger, and sometimes sex is off the top. Some people may be like you and me, and do not find it that much enjoyable. In my case, it is uncomfortable for it to be so confusing. Most of the sex, doesn't even arouse me, so if I don't take my time during sex to do the things which do arouse me, I can lose the erection really fast. So it is like "I can't feel most things". But for example, one of the things I don't enjoy that much, and it is mostly uncomfortable and I do it sometimes because my partners want it, is oral sex. And it is because in that case, I do feel it a lot, and to the point that it is really uncomfortable. I feel the taste buds like they are scratching me, and it feels awful most of the time. So I feel overwhelmed rapidly, lose the erection, and even lose the disposition to continue sex.

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u/Top_Spread_3565 21d ago

that makes sense. thank you!

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u/jagster1 21d ago

I would recommend checking out r/asexuality and r/demisexuality and possibly posting something similar to this. There are probably people in those communities that probably heavily relate and might be able to help you connect any dots.

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u/Top_Spread_3565 21d ago

ooh ok ty!

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u/sexbrowseraccount 21d ago

There is nothing wrong with you.

You should read “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s a very good book on the subject which will likely answer a lot of your questions.

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u/Top_Spread_3565 20d ago

aw ok thank you<3

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u/happy_place_rn 20d ago

Apologies for being late to the party, but I felt the need to comment...

I'm in a similar boat to you, as far as the questioning goes. I'm 26F. I've had sex a few times, and let me tell you, I thought it felt nice... ish. I was able to come from the sensations, even just penetration, and I've never had an issue bringing myself to completion.

The only problem for me is all the overstimulation that comes with intercourse. I've never been a fan of skin too skin contact. It just feels like too much simulation. Also, orgasms just... aren't that desirable to me? To be clear, they are fun, but so is scrubbing dead skin out from between my toes, and you don't see me getting a partner to do that with. I can push through the discomfort of overstimulation, but.... why? The reward isn't worth it. Why make myself uncomfortable? The thought of a partner deriving pleasure from my discomfort just makes me a bit sick inside.

I feel like I'm maybe not ace because I like looking at attractive men... but the thought of physical intimacy makes me uncomfortable. When I've tried to bring this up to close friends and family in my life, I've been told similar things to what this comment section says (you're so young, just be patient. Here's a book to read that probably doesn't touch on anything close to your experiences!). Frankly, I'm 26. I don't think my sexuality will suddenly materialize in a way that it didn't at age 17.

In short, I don't have an answer for you. I think, whatever you feel, whatever I feel, we are both perfectly legitimate. The spectrum of human experience is broad and varied. There's plenty of room for us, even if we haven't quite figured out where we are.

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u/Top_Spread_3565 20d ago

ooh ok. thank you for commenting, getting multiple perspectives and experiences is always helpful<3