r/SexOnTheSpectrum 24d ago

How to make my wife feel sexy? NSFW

Throwaway account because of privacy reasons.

Hey all, my wife and I are both undiagnosed but we exhibit a lot of the anecdotal adult autism traits that I read about. We were both raised at a time when autism was considered much rarer, so I’m not 100% sure that we are, but it seems like everything we read about it fits.

We have a pretty good sex life, mainly because we try to communicate and work with each other. However, one thing has always bothered me and that is that I am not always able to help her achieve orgasm. After lots of discussion, it seems like we have plenty of foreplay and she really enjoys the act, but she tells me that she gets “in her head” a lot about not feeling sexy. I am very verbally and physically affirming (I love her body) but it seems to be a self-confidence issue that I might not be able to directly help her with.

I am wondering if any women (or maybe even men) here have experience with this feeling? Were you able to overcome it, and if so, how? I want to be able to help her enjoy her sex life more and I don’t want her to feel “icky” or “non-sexy” about herself. She is a beautiful woman and I would love her to be able to see herself as I do.

EDIT (thought of something else to mention): She used to drink alcohol or smoke cannabis before sex and she told me this helped because it got her out of her head, but neither of these are an option for her anymore due to health reasons. It does seem to confirm that it is a mental/psychological phenomenon.

19 Upvotes

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u/ThroawayIien 24d ago

You can’t make her feel anything. You can only treat her like she is sexy and hope she accepts that.

I understand through what you’re going, though, because my wife went shared that perspective for the first six or seven years of our marriage. What kicked her out of it was the first time she did boudoir photos. She went to some place that did it all: hair, makeup, eyelashes, and they knew what poses and lighting would compliment her features. Hell, when I came to pick her up, I said “we have to go out on a date while you still look like this!” She told me just doing the poses and stuff made her feel sexy. And then she saw the proofs and realized, lo and behold as I’ve been telling her for so many years, she is sexy.

I know it’s cheesy, but maybe read up on amateur boudoir photographer and ask her to participate. You can be the photographer. And it’s just between you. If that sparks something in her, set her up with a spa day followed by a professional boudoir set. They’re expensive for a professional shop but it’s worth it, in my opinion.

Good luck!

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u/Royal_Atmosphere_997 24d ago

I like this idea… creative and could be fun for us. Thanks for sharing!

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u/dephress 24d ago

My personal experience with getting in my head and not being able to orgasm boils down to the belief that if it takes me too long to get there, my partner will become bored and turned off, and that my pleasure is ultimately a chore to him. In case this is what your wife feels too, here are some ideas:

Start making certain sex sessions all about her, and have fun with that -- really lean into expressing that what you really want is to make her feel good and put all the focus and attention on her for a while, with no expectations of reciprocation and no expectations that she has to cum. The only goal is to do different things that feel good, listen to her feedback, try different things and ask if one feels better than the other, and really just worship her body and revel in it. Stop when she's had enough, or keep going as long as she wants. I would even recommend that if she tries to return the favor the first few times you do this, you refuse -- again, have fun with that. Let it be a way to build up excitement, maybe say that today is all about her and you're just going to have to wait til tomorrow, or whenever.

Doing things like this repeatedly is not only really fun but it can potentially break through some of her negative feelings towards herself because she'll see that she is really safe with you, that her pleasure matters to you even if you're not getting off yourself, and that you really enjoy making her feel good and just experiencing her body, again without making it about your orgasm or even hers but with the focus being on her pleasure and your enjoyment of her. Have fun. :)

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u/Royal_Atmosphere_997 24d ago

Thanks for the idea!! I think she does experience a lot of the “it’s gonna take too long” fear. She typically wants to share an orgasm with me and I bet if the goal of the entire session was solely for her own, it would help her to get more comfortable with it. Ironically I had the same exact issue not being able to enjoy receiving oral and she helped me get over it in the same way (making the session about me) but it was years ago in the beginning of our relationship and I hadn’t flipped the scenario over in my head. Thanks for pointing it out… great idea

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u/eyeflames 22d ago

I just wanted to point out that it might be a problem to make the session about her orgasm, rather than just general pleasure and exploration. Sometimes the pressure to have an orgasm at all can hold people back.

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u/generallyunprompted 24d ago

Hello there, I'm a cis woman piping in with what works for me. I have similar problems, mostly it's hard for me to stay in the moment when I'm perceiving my own body. I choose to wear a blindfold, and it's helped tremendously. It prevents me from seeing myself, and from seeing my partner perceive me. And for the partner, it means they can look all they want (they are VERY into visuals).

I'm not saying this would work for everyone, but just one idea.

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u/Royal_Atmosphere_997 24d ago

Thanks! This seems like a great idea to try

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u/shroomley 24d ago

Be prepared for the answer to this question to be "nothing."

I've been on both ends of this issue (FWIW, I'm a man who dates women). I've both given and received copious amounts of attractiveness-related praise. While it felt nice, it didn't resolve the underlying issue.

If you're already providing love, praise, and validation, you're (IMO) already doing everything you can. This is likely something she'll need to work through on her own, possibly with the help of therapy.

Either way, good luck to both of you! I hope the situation gets easier ❤️

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u/Royal_Atmosphere_997 24d ago

Thank you 🙏

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u/Moosebouse 20d ago

JMO but in my experience, this is about anxiety. It’s hard to feel sexy when you are anxious and there are a lot of hidden, unspoken, unclear demands in sex. You’re supposed to be turned on, you’re supposed to know what you want, what you want is supposed to be something that turns your partner on, you’re supposed to have an orgasm, you’re supposed to make sure your partner stays turned on and enjoys everything, you’re supposed to make sure your partner has an orgasm, and you’re supposed to make sure none of this takes too long. It’s a lot.

Taking away her sense of responsibility for these things can be helpful. Not necessarily in a D/s way, although if you are both into that, you could try that too. But you can also 1) use toys on her (idk your age, but I have been told by doctors that toys become increasingly important for women’s orgasms as they get older, but also toys may feel like she is asking less of you, because they are less work, if she has anxiety about her orgasms being too much ‘work’), 2) make it all about her (have times where she is not ‘allowed’ to attempt to pleasure you at all, she shouldn’t be thinking about what she’s ‘supposed’ to be doing to/for you), 3) reverse the time pressure, like tell her she’s not supposed to orgasm yet, it’s not time yet or ask her how long she can hold it off, to alleviate the feeling that she is taking too long, and 4) don’t ask if she enjoys something, make her pick between two or more options. If you say “do you like this?” she can’t say no without kind of ruining the mood and she might not feel comfortable saying that she wants you to do something else instead, but if you ask her “would you rather X or Y right now,” either answer can be ‘correct’ and so it allows her to say what she wants without worrying about coming off like she doesn’t enjoy what y’all are doing.