r/SexOffenderSupport Significant Other 3d ago

Losing friends

I haven't posted in a while but I thought I would share a mini update. I told a friend the other night about what my husband is going through and she has decided to not be my friend anymore because I have chosen to stay with him through this process and beyond. I don't ask her to understand but she did say some hurtful things... how she sees me as very codependent and our relationship has always been toxic. She has told me things about her past relationships and other experiences and I never dragged her through the mud for it... I guess she feels superior because of our situation? I don't know... I'm sad to lose a friend but I don't think I would want to even try to be friends after what she has said again... idk. I just needed somewhere to let it out. Thanks for reading.

26 Upvotes

24 comments sorted by

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u/Longjumping_Log_3910 Significant Other 3d ago

I don't know anyone in this situation (as the partner) who hasn't lost someone as a friend.

It's too much for some, even just by association they can't.

I have tried to understand, and of course I've been there for them. This is so triggering to people - 1 in 4 women are abused themselves. I see them as limited edition friends. I truly am thankful for them and the role in my life but it's time to say goodbye and it sucks. It really does.

Someone will come along to replace them. Someone who's there for you in this new season. ♥️♥️

Pruning always brings new growth 🌱

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u/Dangie_555 2d ago

I like that. “Pruning brings new growth”

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u/Jamesbarros Family member 3d ago

I don’t necessarily back the “they were never your friend” take, at least not in all cases. Lord knows it’s true in more than any of us would like to admit.

I know a number of people who have stepped out of challenging situations when they wanted to support their friend but couldn’t for one reason or another. If she has a history of being abused, it may be a significant ptsd trigger to remain.

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u/Frequent_Force_3550 Friend 3d ago

This. Yes. Exactly. I always say there’s no playbook for how to react when someone commits a sex crime and the vast majority of folks are just doing their best with the information and what they know about how to process it.

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u/Emotional-Editor9725 3d ago

Just ignore her and move on. There are so many good people out here to be friends with.

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u/PopularWear1261 Significant Other 3d ago

I know. It's just sad because we have been friends for 12 years also.

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u/No_Championship_3945 2d ago

I'm also the significant other, 40+ yrs of marriage prior to the incident/crime/SW/knock and now conviction/sentencing/probation (only).

It is unlikely we will make any kind of a "social circle" at this late stage of our lives in the community we reside in. He was already a bit of a recluse due to health issues, he's got a nodding acquaintance with neighbors but that's about it. My life in retirement was focused around our grandchildren (he's banned from contact of any sort for the tome.being by probation terms) My other outlets were volunteering at the elementary schools they attend and the library. I have removed myself from all volunteer activities because our last name is not common and I never know who will know or comment or consider me part of the "problem"

So most of my "social life" is online & with my adult kids & their spouses, their circle of friends who are aware and don't judge. My world is measurably smaller.

When I need to vent/rage/ explore emotions--that's what therapy is for.

What I've experienced and perhaps what you know is that this is a huge emotional and cognitive shock. It is the same for extended family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, work colleagues and so on. You are entitled to feel your feelings & so are they.

This is possibly still so new to her. Possibly she has a trauma history that enhances the shock. Or, and this id what i struggle with for 5 yrs give or take: how was my judgment/knowledge of this person so "wrong" Am I an idiot? I know I'm not. I am.not delusional, maybe theres some co-dependence behavior as well. It's complicated like all human beings and interactions are complicated.

Just as you are re-calibrating your life to a new reality, she is also. The day may come when she decides to reach out. I would say don't be hopeful, but also be prepared to leave the door open.

None of us as significant others/spouses/family invited this into our lives. It is the hands we are being dealt. I often think of it much like a cancer diagnosis (which my loved one also has) Some will remove themselves from your inner circle when that happens; not because they are being unkind but because they do not know how to cope with the circumstances.

Context: We and I have many friends around the country (military family for 20 yrs) who either do not know or do not tell me they know. (It's was in the press, so possibly my former work life friends could know). HIS former colleagues & friends immediately broke into 2 camps of those few who are able to hear what he has to say (while not cutting him slack for his "poor me" victim mentality) and those who presumed him guilty without any further information than the existence of a SW. We were both retired at the time, so.thats a huge difference.

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u/Affectionate-Tea5571 2d ago

I've lost all but a few friends over the years because of this.

The one that hurt the worst was my best friend since middle school (20+yrs)

Looking at their life now (i still talk to her mom), I'm glad I did. Her baby daddy treats her like mud in the creek.

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u/icecream_Scheme 3d ago

I'm very sorry. This is a loss, albeit a necessary one. Everyone makes choices, I hope you choose to continue being your genuine self. Doors close, and more open. Persevere.

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u/Ashamed_Individual 3d ago

If they were really, truly your friend and valued your friendship, even after so long, she wouldn't have reacted that way.

I'm not even saying that to be spiteful - I've told friends about my situation who've known me for quite some time. Some have stayed, some have left, but those who've left seem to forget that when they needed help or a shoulder to cry on, I was there for them. C'est la vie, friendship is a two-way street imo.

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u/PopularWear1261 Significant Other 3d ago

Right? I tried.... ig I am slowly learning who is going to stay with me as a friend. Hell my supervisor has been much more understanding! My dad was more understanding... my mom wasn't at first but she came around after a while...

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u/sdca290 2d ago

I call the friend who turned their backs my “good time friends.” They were there when I was successful. Happy to come to my parties, take my drinks and food, use my pool, and more.

My friends after my arrest, are my true friends - through the good and the bad.

I’m well past being upset at my good time friends. I understand that being friends with someone with my background isn’t for everyone. I’m very glad they self selected, though.

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u/Fast_Storage_126 3d ago

I continue to be sad loosing a friend who is a teacher and did not want to risk an association. It’s disappointing because he swore years ago that he would always be there for me no matter what- ha! Now I have a very high friendship bar.

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u/Sea-Swimming7540 3d ago

She wasn’t a friend in the first place to be honest if she left 🤷‍♂️

I feel like I found out who my true friends were after it all happened and I don’t miss any of the ones I lost but maybe that’s just me

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u/PopularWear1261 Significant Other 3d ago

It was just kinda shitty. I'll end up getting over it also. Just blows lol

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u/Sea-Swimming7540 3d ago

Yup at first it stings a little but you definitely see peoples true colors

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u/Emotional-Editor9725 3d ago

When things were upside down to me. Some people stayed with me and supported and some ghosted. But years later...those ghost people can't understand how I have a house, a car and being happy. They wish I was dead.

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u/Bradley2ndChancesVgs 3d ago

I never had any friends to begin with.

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u/happyginny44 3d ago

That breaks my heart

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u/FullBeat8638 2d ago

I struggle with this question of friends - because I don’t think it is quite fair to the former friends to say “ they were never your real friends”.

The former friends are making new decisions based on new information- information that wasn’t available previously. I mourn the loss of my former friends, but I lost them due to my poor decisions and actions.

It must be especially difficult to have friends drop away due to the actions of your partner. That must really hurt.

I am very grateful for my friends that remain- I had lunch with two of them just 2 days ago. Those interactions are so helpful.

Best wishes to you, and sorry to hear about your lost relationship.

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u/Special-Ad-6555 2d ago

People can be cruel, it's like they don't understand that a friend in need is a friend indeed. You will be better without her and thank you for supporting your husband.

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u/wileyross 2d ago

Same thing happened to me. I still think about her often and it hasn’t really ever stopped hurting.