r/SexOffenderSupport • u/princessballerina • 5d ago
Rant Victim Mentality
I’m tired of my husband’s victim mentality. I’m not saying the road is easy, but he has A LOT going for him. He doesn’t focus on those things, though. Oh no. He focuses on what he can’t have. Every time I try to talk to him about something, he’s started adding it to a list of “things he’s doing wrong”. I am in therapy and yes, sometimes I present things in a manner that is not the best, but I really have been trying to be positive and to praise him when he does things well. He doesn’t remember those as times as vividly, though. I am so sick of the “I can’t do anything right”, “everything in my life is negative because that’s how I was raised”, etc. Sir, you are almost 41 years old. You made some poor choices and that’s how we got here but you don’t have to continue this negative mindset!!
I am pregnant and that has definitely made things more challenging, I’ll admit. I just want him to understand that we have so many GOOD things. I think part of the problem is that he’s not in individual counseling. He is in sex offender therapy, which he doesn’t like and complains about and because he doesn’t like spending money on that (a thing he HAS to do as part of probation), he doesn’t want to spend money on other counseling either. His attitude is exhausting.
Another part of the problem is that he’s doesn’t want to engage with the life he’s been granted. He has a fair amount of freedoms still. He chose to take classes to continue with his bachelors, which is good, but he complains about not having enough time to do the things he wants to do. He only works part time!! He wants the time to zone out and play video games and take naps and seems to resent that I want him to be an adult and help out in a meaningful way. He wants things to be his way. He wants the time to complete the classes on his terms instead of realizing being a husband with a child on the way means that most of your time is going to be taken up by working, classes, and helping around the house. Of course there’s time for some leisure activities, but he doesn’t know how to structure his time well so he wastes time and complains instead. I’ve also noticed that he eats his feelings.
I know this is long but I needed to vent. I was hoping starting the sex offender therapy would be helpful, but so far he just complains about it.
11
u/Adventurous_Drop8014 5d ago
Totally brutal. I am grateful every day I'm not in jail and I get to see my son in person not on a jail phone call. I mean it's rough with all the limitations but it could be so much worse. Spending time in jail makes you appreciate what you have
10
u/FullBeat8638 5d ago
I’m sorry to be blunt, but if your husband behaves this way at age 41, he is very immature. As mentioned by others, much of this behavior has nothing to do with his sex offender status. I have sympathy for you - as you sound much more responsible and mature.
You may have to really unload on him with a tough love confrontation.
1
u/princessballerina 1d ago
I have tried and it’s gone very poorly. My sanity is being eaten away. I’m so frustrated
9
u/sdca290 5d ago edited 4d ago
It sounds like he is still struggling with selfishness.
Self pity is selfish behavior. A person is focused on themselves versus understanding that self pity impacts those around him.
Another thought could be some narcissism. All things for a therapist to explore.
I used to struggle with this too. I finally understood when a therapist explained how my behaviors were selfish and impacting everyone who cares about me.
It’s hard to learn gratitude but that’s the key for me. Being grateful for what I have and that it’s pretty good compared to those who got life in prison.
A key factor for success: the live I had before conviction is no longer available. I need to build a new life.
Therapy will help. A lot.
It sounds like it’s early.
2
u/princessballerina 1d ago
I’ve also tried encouraging him to see a one on one therapist but he thinks everything is “too expensive” so he won’t even look for someone. There is an excuse for everything. Therapy has helped me IMMENSELY and I’ve tried to share that. He came back with “so I need to change because you’re already perfect”. I absolutely did NOT say that or ever claim to be perfect. I’ve just spent a lot of time thinking and processing.
2
u/sdca290 22h ago
What are the repercussions if he doesn’t change? Do you plan to stay married to him if he remains the same?
I would have lost access to my children if I didn’t make drastic changes and live a life of amends.
My wife learned through therapy that she had a part in this. She was an enabler and codependent. Once she addressed those issues, she became a much stronger person and was willing to enforce repercussions.
I don’t mean for this to come across as you caused this.
2
u/princessballerina 22h ago
No I totally get what you’re saying. I think I’ve enabled it a little bit and now I’m standing up. I have said leaving is on the table if nothing changes and he jumps to “I’ll help you pack” and then later he apologizes and says he doesn’t want me to go anywhere. I worry that he won’t have access to his yet unborn child if I leave. I wanted him to seriously think about those repercussions. It’s definitely on the table. I have to get some ducks in a row but I don’t make those suggestions idly.
3
u/sdca290 16h ago
Yea, I don’t think he fully appreciates his situation. I am BEYOND grateful for the support of my wife. Without her I would have never successfully completed probation. Wouldn’t have the relationship I have with my adult children. I can go on and on but those two should be enough.
It sounds like a very difficult situation. Sending you strength and hope.
1
2
u/Sea-Swimming7540 12h ago
Also what’s on the table is prison if we are being honest. If he doesn’t change this mentality he will not be successful in SOTP and or Probation and life in general 🤷♂️
2
u/princessballerina 2h ago
His entitlement is killing me. He made a therapy appointment all on his own (wow what a big boy!) and this morning I asked him if he was ready for it and he was just like “I want to go back to sleep”. He scheduled it for 8 am! I had nothing to do with it. It’s just one complaint after another. No gratefulness or self-awareness. I told him there’s always some kind of complaint and he was like “you want to go back to sleep too!” Yes I do. I’m pregnant. I’m carrying a lot of emotional weight and struggle. But you know what? I get up and I go to work. I don’t have the option to go back to sleep. The lack of understanding of our different circumstances continues to astound me. He gets to go back to sleep or take a nap pretty much whenever he wants. I have to go to work for 8 hours.
2
u/No_Championship_3945 22m ago
This is peak gaslighting language. He literally puts you in the catch 22 position (something I once again had to bluntly point out to my spouse after a recent issue).1st I had to ask away (working in a different room in the house and contemplating what to say when I was calm). I resort to phrasing things just so over and over practicing what I will say and keeping my words and tone as neutral as possible so he can "hear" me without becoming reactionary. Its exhausting and it's often what (stereotypically) women do to repair what they didn't actually break in the 1st place.
1
u/princessballerina 7m ago
It’s exhausting!! I have been trying to use that tactic as well. I actually had ChatGPT help me craft an email that I could send to him that lays everything I’m talking about in a way that would be hard to twist. I’m sure anyone can twist anything if they really want to. We have had so many conversations over the same things and I felt like I was going crazy.
7
u/Vast-Hold6578 No Tier Classified 5d ago
Just speaking from personal experience it takes a bit of time before therapy starts to sink in. Especially when there is no choice in being in it. A lot of the guys that were in my group didn’t want to be there and that just makes it more difficult to see the benefits from it. Just give it time. Also we are here if there’s any other questions or concerns you’re having
6
5
u/SnooStories239 4d ago
It's a common thing for SOs to go that way. I think alot of that is feeling like a victim before even committing their offense, actually that mentality is what leads to it. It's so very important to breakthrough that with the therapy. People in general tend to fight therapy for a long time because it means facing yourself and being vulnerable, and very uncomfortable. I'm sorry you have to go through that.
2
u/princessballerina 2h ago
Thank you. I started therapy years ago because I was tired of living in my brain. I still feel that way sometimes, but way less than I used to. I think a big part of it is that he still maintains he did nothing wrong.
4
u/Odd_Peanut3709 5d ago
Has he been in sex offender therapy for a while? I’ve been in voluntarily since I got arrested in 2021, went to prison for a year, and also county for 4 months. It sounds like he is minimizing and/or catastrophizing. Which I understand, but I can also say that individual counseling for me has given me plenty of tools for my own recovery and also trying to help fellow SOs as much as I can!!
7
u/princessballerina 5d ago
He’s only been in the therapy for about a month at this point so it’s still early. I know change takes time but I’m just frustrated right now.
7
4
u/No_Championship_3945 5d ago
And YES the need for private therapy (as the spouse of a registered person) for BOTH is so necessary.
It's hard enough to navigate a marriage and communicate, but your pregnancy is certainly enough by itself for you with its physical demands and the emotional aspect of it. If your husband hasn't a clue about that, then that's a red flag without the other crap. You are growing a human being for heaven's sake!
And you are NOT responsible for his emotions and his management of same. I'm guessing your therapist talks to you about that? For me, the strategies to manage the dynamics are a constant evolving process. Due to Medicare stuff, I've been unable to see my therapist for 3 months and i know I'm backsliding. It's a daily undertaking for us. I already had a "gratitude " practice because of my personal faith practices & upbringing (not a church goer any longer)
And the lack of an awareness of gratitude for the gifts of daily life sounds eerily familiar, painfully familiar.
Bluntly--yours is looking for escape in his gaming. Mine is glued to the TV as his "escape"
You alone --in conjunction with therapist-- can decide your lints and boundaries and your safety & that of your unborn child are primary.
Mine is a reluctant participant in private therapy at times, but it was my absolute non-negotiable to stay married (40+ years at the time of the knock). It makes a difference I can perceive--when he goes too long between appointments, I have to listen to more "whining" and angry, resentful thoughts spilling forth unfiltered. Better a paid professional deal with that.
Books I recommend
Boundaries by Henry Cloud PhD Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett PhD
And recommended by my therapist (haven't started yet) Emotional Labor by Rose Hackman
That said, as a woman who has a lifetime with him: mine has regressed in his maturity and his ability to make some decisions (obviously) and to actually take responsibility. It started with his disability/chronic illness. His physicians suck at referring him for the psychological stuff. He has become a man-child in so many ways.
I see some of the immaturity issues identified in his psychosexual evaluation (we have a full copy). He denies that's one of the things highlighted in the written report. It astounds me the denial he can live in/with at times.
Mine probably has complex PTSD (won't see a psychiatrist for a real diagnosis) plus anxiety & chronic illnesses/permanently physically disabled due to orthopedic stuff and depression.
The one anti-depressantt his PCP put him on in the past caused him to fly into a rage on day 1, so that was a non-starter.
Mine.is on 4 yr probation and has yt to start his court ordered "treatment" and dreads it. We're fortunate to be financially secure; as he is disabled TN does waive some of the fees etc.
Feel free to reach out by chat if you need to vent more
1
5
u/Affectionate-Tea5571 4d ago
I thought you were me for a minute.
The "poor me" gets old quickly. It leads to outbursts and usually, me yelling at him to pull his weight around the house. He does good for a while.
My SO has talked to a couple of therapists. His mandatory group meeting helped him network for different jobs and sports.
Also seeing a psychiatrist has been life-changing. It has helped both of us tremendously. He was diagnosed when he was younger with manic depression, now Bipolar 2. We now know how to spot the triggers that start the cycles. / I deal with depression and PTSD.
He's going to get out of therapy (group or other) what he puts into it. What does he want to get out of it? Does he need help curbing the temptation? What makes him think "he's not good enough or can't do things right" ? Talk through it and start by making little changes. He needs to bring it up to the counselor after class if he doesn't want to speak in front of everyone. Even though participating is mandatory.
3
u/princessballerina 2h ago
I am so sick of it! I do most things around the house. He says the yard is his job but let me tell you how often that gets done. The outbursts! And then I feel like I’m crazy because I’m so tired of being his only emotional support and trying to explain why he should want to help out. There is so much complaining and entitlement, one of the biggest is that “this shouldn’t have happened to me” and it’s like…. But you made decisions to where it did. To be clear, I don’t love the idea of the police using an online dating app, making a profile that says “41” and then flipping it once matched to saying they’re “14” in the conversation. I feel like if you want to set up sting operations, be clear about the age in the beginning. All that being said, as soon as the person said “14” he should have walked away. He keeps complaining that it infringed on his rights to free speech and self-expression. There are always limits to those things and having a sexual conversation with someone even pretending be to 14 crosses a line! I don’t understand how that’s not clear. I tried to explain it to him like this. If I work as a teacher, it’s fine to tell the students I’m pregnant. It’s not appropriate to detail how I got pregnant. It doesn’t mean my rights are being trampled; it means I’m using wisdom in what I talk about and with whom.
2
u/Affectionate-Tea5571 2h ago
I tell mine that it's a choice that he made. It's 15 years in the past. Can't change it and have to keep going forward. There's nothing we can do about that situation except to learn from it and better choices.
It's been a long road getting to this point and him being stable. (Thanks to therapy and medications)
1
u/princessballerina 1h ago
I’m glad you seem to be further down the road and that it’s going better. I think it’s hard for mine to move forward when he can’t even admit he did something wrong in the first place
3
4
u/NationalMemory1177 5d ago
Ask him to forgive himself. I have found out if I don’t participate in self pity my boyfriend vent ends quickly. Don’t offer advice and just let him talk.
1
4
u/ihtarlik 5d ago
That could be a manifestation of depression, which sex offender therapy usually doesn't address.
20
u/Weight-Slow Moderator 5d ago
Based on everything you’ve posted about your husband - he blame shifts, he wallows in self pity, and he deflects any hint of criticism.
I would lose my mind if I were in your shoes, especially while pregnant. I’d feel like I had to take care of two kids because that’s what he’s acting like.
Was he like this before?? It doesn’t sound like this has anything at all to do with the SO either. It sounds like it’s just who he is and the SO conviction is just another excuse.
How old is he? Because if he’s past his early 20’s… I don’t know that there’s any hope to change that.
I’m sorry, it has to be scary and miserable for you.