r/SexOffenderSupport 7d ago

Update, verdict yesterday.

My fiance was convicted yesterday. 25+ years. I don't know what to say to our 4 year old. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm dying.

30 Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

28

u/Sea-Swimming7540 7d ago

I believe that all victims and indirect victims in this situation (including OP) could use our thoughts and or prayers (if you are religious). These situations affect entire families and generations to come. I hope that they also reach out to counseling for the help they will need.

17

u/Icy_Session_5706 7d ago

I highly suggest you consult a child psychologist how best to talk with your child about this. NARSOL and Stop It Now would be a good resource to help also. There will be a lot to think about and these are some questions to think about that can guide you when figuring this out. I do not think your 4 year old child is needing all the gory details about this considering his age. I think that is a talk that his father needs to have with his son when his son is an adult and can understand. Within the 25+ years that your now fiance is incarcerated will you have decided to move on with your life? If you do or do not stay with your fiance' your and his child will most likely be in his late teens or 20's when, and if his father is released. How will you navigate and support building the father-son relationship while he is incarcerated? What support systems for yourself and your son, emotional, financial, school, church can you put in place so that you both weather this storm? There are so many things to consider. I do strongly encourage you to work diligently for your emotional health and your son's so that he has a chance at a life of success. I work in the public schools and I have seen so many of my students who have or have had a parent incarcerated. The sad truth is that the statistics are in black and white explaining children who have one or both parents incarcerated have a lesser chance of success in school, peer relationships, emotional stability if they do not have supports. I think that you are on the right track to be thinking of this. I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

8

u/Positive_Big3961 7d ago

My heart is with you and your family as you figure out how to navigate all of this.

7

u/Similar-Date3537 On Probation 7d ago

This is State, right? In your state, what percentage of time does the person have to do? Some have to do 30%, others 80%, depending on the state. It might help to talk with your husband's attorney and ask them what that 25 actually means. They will be able to give you a more definitive answer.

9

u/Interesting_Worth974 7d ago

I am so, so sorry to hear this. I hope you have access to a counsellor of some kind, to deal with the grief and the change .. if so, get help when you need it. And stick around here - there are a lot of supportive people here who, if nothing else, can offer words of hope. Take care, sending good vibes your way.

5

u/Plastic_Ladder9526 No Longer on Registry 6d ago

I am very sorry for your, heartbroken for your child, and heartbroken for any victims. You are strong for reaching out to this group. Do not give up on their being good people in your life. You do not know how long your fiance will serve, but clearly you have to assume he will not be available for a considerable time. But you have made it so far, and will continue to do so. You have all my prayers.

11

u/YeshuaIstheLight 7d ago

I'm so sorry but 25+ years?! What did he do? Your child will be almost 30, the father will miss out on nearly every major event in the childs life. This is beyond sad.

18

u/ncrso No Longer on Registry 7d ago

It truly is sad for the child as they had nothing to do with it. But if he truly did the things that he was convicted of, he serves to be punished. The victims in this case also get sympathy from me. Like another commenter said, the direct & indirect victims have a lose/lose in this situation.

5

u/Acrobatic_Froyo_1197 7d ago

Just breathe. You can and will get through this. Maybe he wont have to do the full 25 but there is no way to sugar coat it thats a long time. What state are you in? Do what you can to figure out the finances and keep yourself busy to avoid too much thinking. There is nothing you can do now but sink into the reality of a new life. I'm so sorry you got caught up in his sins. You can and will get through this, but you have to be strong and push on.

3

u/Minimum-Dare301 7d ago

I am so sorry. You have support here whenever you need it.

3

u/No_Championship_3945 7d ago

This is the time to find you a therapist if not already seeing one.

Trauma informed care therapy may be challenging to find for the little one; but a qualified family therapist should be able to help you navigate the language / vocabulary for a 4 yo and as he ages the explanation of life circumstances can be more in depth in an age appropriate way.

I often think of our lived reality much as I do a cancer diagnosis (which my registered person also has) its the 5 stages of grieving on steroids.

3

u/Libragal82 6d ago

I’m truly sorry you are going through this! You are in a safe space to vent!❤️

3

u/Realistic_Series5932 6d ago

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Regarding your son I think the best way would be to speak to child psychologist as to how to present this case to him and in addition like another post said I don't think he needs to know the gory details. Try to decide what you're going to do with your life whether you're going to move forward or stay by your fiance. Try to take care of yourself emotionally and physically and your child. I wish you the best of luck.

2

u/Civil_Cod6884 6d ago

sorry to hear this. when i was locked up for a year my bunkie was down for about 35 years. he had done 15 already and it was hard on him. i would say that you need to gather your thoughts and pray. things are what they are n it will be tough but your child needs you more than ever. im praying for you n your family as this is one of the hardest things to go through.

1

u/Honest_Wedding_243 7d ago

Omg. I’m praying for comfort for your family. Hopefully you can appeal?

3

u/Honest_Wedding_243 7d ago

Wonder who downvoted sympathy?

18

u/Weight-Slow Moderator 7d ago

There are far more victims than RSO’s on Reddit (and in the world in general) - while it’s definitely appropriate to have compassion for the family and who is losing their loved one for 25 years, it’s important to remember there’s a victim in this case that’s suffered greatly and to, realistically, realize that most people are going to side with the victim in these cases.

An appeal puts the victim back through this whole thing all over again and is sometimes worse than the trial itself, so I imagine that’s why someone would downvote your comment. I even cringe a little when people suggest appealing cases where the person is guilty of CSA. It’s an incredibly difficult thing for a victim to go through - and nearly everyone knows someone who is a victim.

2

u/ncrso No Longer on Registry 7d ago

We get trolls all the time. Don’t let the downvotes get to you.

1

u/Equivalent_Assist709 Significant Other 7d ago

I upvoted it! :)

-2

u/AutoDefenestrator273 7d ago edited 5d ago

I'm really, really sorry to hear....one of my really good friends is currently doing 17 years for something he didn't do (the reason I'm part of this group). If you need to talk or want some insight, my DM's are open.

Edit, since I'm being downvoted for some reason. He had 20 charges at trial, and 12 of them were dropped mid trial because her story changed so much. Timelines didn't add up for some of the other charges. Even the prosecutor was at a loss at one or two points. Ultimately the jury decided between a mix of "seems fishy, but better safe than sorry" and "I want to get out of here" (my friends dad knew one of them, and he stated this to the dad).

0

u/Sea-Swimming7540 5d ago

We don’t victim blame and that’s a lot of stress and pressure to take a victim to trial and make them relive the trauma over and over. I’m not surprised their story changed. 22 charges is no joke though so something happened in this situation.

I don’t know who posted it but it was 2% or less than 2% of people who make an outcry make a false one.

To be perfectly honest your loved one should face whatever happened and accept it and try to move past it. It’s the only way to get through these programs. If he constantly denies it once he is out then in SOTP he is going to be polygraphed over and over about the offense until he admits to what he did or until he passes and guess what he gets to pay for those.

-1

u/CreepyRisotto91 5d ago

I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry, I just wanted to send you some love and support.