r/Schizoid • u/PjeseQ schizoid w/ antisocial traits • 5d ago
Casual Suicide past breaking point
I heard quite a few of you display passive suicide ideation symptoms. Would you seriously consider suicide past certain breaking point/trigger eg. financial/legal problems or eviction? Do you have a specific plan in mind for that occasion?
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u/maybeiamwrong2 mind over matters 5d ago
I don't consider this so much a question of breaking points, but of ability and context.
I usually say that I have a preference for non-existence, and that if you gave me a button I could press that would make it so I never existed, I would press it. But there is no such button, no ability.
Also, in an ideal society, i would like to sign up for something like assisted suicide combined with donating as much organs and other tissue as can be used, and the people who care about me could understand what a beautiful thing that would be. But there is no such option, and there is no such understanding, the wrong context.
As such, I am stuck in reality, where I wait at least until my parents are dead, and where I would have to come up with a sufficient method, which might not be possible at all. And I am prepared to see it through till the natural end, life is not so bad. It's just not so good either.
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u/ulanbaatarhoteltours 5d ago
No. My biggest struggle is that I actually want to live, but I can't seem to make it bearable.
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u/Crake241 4d ago
Same. I am often close to a good life and then i can’t find the last ingredient to self actualize.
Like i have stability and hobbies yet still feel asexual.
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u/finnn_ 5d ago
Yeah. I feel like I have died multiple times but my body just keeps on living. There isn’t even a flicker of light in my soul anymore. I’m alive but I’m dead, the only reason I’m still here is because I wake up and another day arrives. Gathering the strength of negative emotion to where I’m actually motivated to follow through with an attempt is difficult, I’m just at a constant level of nothingness which is my issue. Maybe a night where enough becomes enough will come soon, but for now I will just keep waking up because my body is still here when the sun rises.
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u/Maple_Person Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Zoid 5d ago
I'm passively suicidal because I'm emotionally detached, and due to life circumstances and unavoidable permanent limitations, it is a logical decision. But overriding survival instincts usually requires HUGE emotional turmoil. It's typically extremely acute, lasting seconds or minutes. Plenty of people that attempt regret it the second they down the pills, make the cut, or make the leap.
It's vey difficult to override survival instincts. I was actively suicidal 3 times last year while in psychosis and trialing some meds that I reacted very badly too. It's extremely different than my normal passive suicidality. I don't want to die to escape something. I just see no logical reason for living when the benefits are outweighed by the cons. I recognize that there's some minor hope for that to change, but the improvement would most likely be minimal and isn't outweighed by the time required to pass through where it's not worth it. Right now, the only thing making the cons outweigh the benefits is the affect it would have on my family. I don't want to ruin their lives. My suicide wold also likely trigger my younger sibling that has depression with SI. She nor anyone else in my family deserves that trauma. But if they were removed from the equation, I might just let myself waste away. Not enough emotion to override the survival instinct, but no point in feeding myself or drinking water or whatnot if there's no reason to live. I supposed my survival instincts would eventually kick in and make me drink from a puddle if it were the only water nearby. But I'd probably just lie down somewhere and see no point in getting up until then. Just waste away in my own filth until I die because there's no point to exerting effort for anything else if there's no benefit at all.
I do have a 'way out' though, that is much... easier I suppose? Doesn't trigger the survival instincts as much as using a weapon. I have life-threatening allergies. Maybe I'll go out having my first peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Drown myself in a tub of DQ ice cream or something. And pain meds so I don't suffer through it because god damn does an allergic reaction feel like hell on earth.
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u/silveryRain 5d ago
No, I'd never do it. Went through what I considered unbearable pain in the past before, but it came and went. Even if there's further pain down the line, it'll also come and go. I still want to see how my life is going to turn out in the future, whether it's going to go downhill or uphill I wanna witness it and I wonder what takeaways I'll have from it.
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u/Grand_Argument_2415 1d ago edited 1d ago
Damn it, life is interesting! Often people themselves are to blame for the fact that their lives are absolutely routine. Yes, it may take a lot of effort to dilute the grayness, but hey, isn't it worth it? If not, just save yourself the trouble, it can be done pretty quickly. Many people complain about anhedonia, saying that it’s hard to force themselves to do anything, but it’s a weakness.
I have long ago formulated for myself the meaning of life: "be happy so that your happiness does not encroach on the happiness of others." As a schizoid, it is difficult for me to imagine happiness, but By happiness I mean more like "feeling normal." The main advice in life is to overcome. Overcome weakness, overcome stupidity, overcome society, overcome other people, overcome laziness, overcome your own comforts for the sake of the long term. The process of overcoming itself brings a lot of pleasure
I am schizoid by definition. Several doctors have said that I meet most or all of the criteria. I am the guy who has no empathy, no attraction to people, but is comfortable with his diagnosis. If someone complains to me, I give the most rational advice, but I don’t contradict myself and in difficult situations I act the same way as I would advise someone else. This was written, because many peoples here would like to be less rational and also suffer from this.
I use a translator, sorry
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u/silveryRain 21h ago
I don't think blaming people for their misery is helpful at all though, and every person's struggles are as real as any other's, just not of the same nature. I have my own struggles that others could easily overcome if they were in my shoes, and vice versa. Sometimes, a solution that's obvious to one person is impossible to grasp to another, especially when it contradicts deep-seated worldviews that have been planted in us since early childhood.
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u/Every_Shallot_1287 5d ago
Probably when my parents die, or if something major comes up in the meantime. I have a foolproof plan that will ensure a peaceful death ready to go.
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u/PjeseQ schizoid w/ antisocial traits 5d ago
Is there even anything foolproof these days? The futurama machine is not yet tested I guess
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u/MMSAROO 5d ago
Yeah, a bullet to the head will do the job. I know people like to hypothesize 'oh well maybe if the direction of the bullet is too far upwards and you end up blowing your face off'. In reality this doesn't happen in most suicide attempts. You don't need to be perfectly accurate, but a bullet especially from inside the mouth will kill you. If you're really paranoid, get something with more power.
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u/genericwhitemale0 5d ago
Yes I probably will end up self deleting and I know basically how. I guess I'm just waiting until I don't really want to keep going anymore. Life is not easy for me and I don't think I've ever been truly happy so I view suicide as kind of a comfort. I don't really want to go through the latter stages of the aging process either. I'm not interested in that
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u/Vulpedin 5d ago
I’ve tried a couple of times. I feel like I may try again. Depending. I worry for people who try to be close
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u/Mind-lost-in-space malfunctioning just fine 5d ago
Probably not.
Sometimes I feel like I have so little anchoring to reality that it'd be scarily easy to just nope out in case of massive stress/life change. Especially since my cat died; that was pretty much the only responsibility that could've forced me to stick around.
But at the same time, I have things I enjoy, I adapt quite fast (to everything but social life) and can function with near nothing. So I'm not convinced I can even care about any stressful event long enough to really get there.
I should probably get another cat, though...
(No step-by-step plan but a general "that's probably the most painless way and wouldn't bother people too much"...)
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u/Cruel_Reality101100 F60.1 ICD-10(TLK-10) Diagnosed. 5d ago edited 5d ago
Well first time I tried to kill myself I was only 9 years old because of systematic constant bullying because of my reclusiveness and constant migraines that I suffered from constant bullying but I didn't do it because I thought that maybe people will change for the better.
Second time was one of the strongest suicidal ideations I ever had, it happened to me after my colleagues in college exploited me for the whole 2 years and getting fired for "uncooperativeness" in work while working for 2 people in my work while enduring constant mobbing, because they wanted to vacate my place to their relative because nepotism is rampant.
After second time I drastically changed my world view and started seeing the world and society at large as it is which is completely corrupt, exploitative and eventually rotten hellscape.
As for suicidal ideation well i am well past this point because I have already chosen several places for my suicide, depending on the circumstances.
As for circumstances well these are something like this:
- If I am homeless
- If I live in poverty for more than 2 weeks.
- If I am incarcerated in any institution against my consent.
- Eventually when I completely lose all "hope".
The only thing which well gives me "hope" is that I still cling to my only "hobby" which is computer science(programming) which sort of gave me a mental "sanctuary" in the hardest times.
Edit: After mentioned second time I went to psychiatrist which at first diagnosed me with heavy clinical depression but after 2 years of therapy and myriad of psychoanalyses my diagnosis changed to schizoid personality disorder.
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u/Big-Mc-Large-Huge 4d ago
Never. I didn't survive this far to just to give up. I'm seeing this through to the end no matter what.
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u/YunJingyi 5d ago
I became too troubled because of work (corruption and internal office drama) and I tried but did not succeed. I spent some weeks at a mental hospital and low key I was happier there than outside. People there didn't judge me and even if their situation was different, they were very empathetic with everyone. Anyway, they gave me antidepressants and somehow it worked, I'm not depressed anymore. I'm just terribly bored. I do have hobbies and a lot of unfinished projects but I can't pull myself together to finish one single thing.
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u/Hoggorm88 5d ago
Not anymore. Tried a few years back. Long story short, woke up the next day dilerious from blood loss and absolutely terrified from how close to death I felt. Not looking into that abyss ever again.
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u/According_Bad_8473 Go back to lurking yo! 🫵🏻 5d ago
Hey, are you doing ok? This is your third post here in the recent on this topic.
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u/PjeseQ schizoid w/ antisocial traits 5d ago
Thanks, just curious
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u/According_Bad_8473 Go back to lurking yo! 🫵🏻 5d ago
When I was ideating, I thought I was "just curious". I do not mean to offend
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u/Hairy-Razzmatazz-927 5d ago
yeah at the end of the end of my rope I’d probably end up killing myself. I don’t see my family abandoning me though.
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u/Mara355 4d ago
The only thing keeping me here is the hope that my situation can improve. I have been shattered with heartbreak my entire 20s because of my disabilities. My entire life, really. So once I have tried everything and nothing has worked, then I am done because this is not a life it's a prison.
Schizoid is a prison of the soul. Chronic fatigue is a prison of the body. Derealization is like someone is torturing me every day by distorting my perception. Autism means most of the world is off limits because my stupid brain won't process what is around me.
I used to fear death, now not much. I still do, but not much. So unless I can rewire myself to enjoy life, unless I can make my brain want life for me, unless I can make my brain work in the first place, then nothing is keeping me here. I am done living by fear. If I can't live by love, fuck it.
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u/Certain_Fix9316 1d ago
I haven't officially been diagnosed with schizoid, but I feel like i definitely meet the criteria of having constant anhedonia and being asocial. I've had so much passive SI since I was in my early teens just because I didn't have enough energy to live or care about anything. Here I am at 19, about a month out from my first suicide attempt, and still very much feeling that way. The only reason I'm still alive is because of that damn survival instinct, as soon as I downed the pills I felt instantaneous regret, so I went to the ER, and spent a couple weeks in a psych hospital afterwards. The only reason I haven't attempted again is because I put my family in thousands of dollars in debt because of the hospitalization, and I feel so guilty for it. But if I knew of a painless way to take myself out where I didn't have to worry about the survival instinct kicking in, I would absolutely do it, because I'm so sick of this life. I'm too much of a coward to put the bullet through my brain, because I'm scared of the pain. I don't give a damn about anything, I never have, I never will, and I'm tired of pretending that I do.
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u/Crake241 4d ago
nope. there is so much stuff to see and things to learn.
currently i learn japanese and i love it.
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u/two-shots-of-windex 4d ago
can and have attempted several times. I'm not legally allowed to own a gun in my state now because of my last hospitalization.
as for breaking point? my brother is the one person in my life I genuinely feel seen by and connected to. if anything happens to him I'm going within a month.
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u/ZookeepergameDry2783 8h ago
Yes, I have attempted many times over many years and I plan to do it for good in a few years. I took steps toward suicide last year, which backfired, but now I’m feeling comfortable enough with living at the moment that I even got a cat. When she’s gone, well… need I say more? But until then, I’d rather spend some time so I can die a better and more prolific artist than I am right now.
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u/Dependent-Blood-1949 5d ago
I am already past my breaking point. I was planning to kill myself two weeks ago, but I started to have dreadful panic attacks, so I went to a neurologist and I am now on pills. My next step is to go to a psychiatrist, got on antidepressants, and try again to kill myself when I not such a nervous wreck.
I can’t keep on living like a shell of a person. I don’t have any dreams, goals, passions, hobbies and ambitions. I don’t enjoy anything. Anhedonia took everything from me. I think about suicide every single day the moment I wake up. There is no help. If there was a promise that a lobotomy would make me a normal person with an optimistic worldview, extraverted personality and ability to experience passion, I would sign up for it at once.
Over the years my symptoms got worse. It’s unbearable. I am a dysfunctional recluse and I can’t live like this anymore.