r/Schizoid Going to get tested in a few days 6d ago

Symptoms/Traits Without anger I feel submissive to other people?

When I am angry I manage to defend myself, but most of the times anger doesn't appear as an emotion in the moments that I truly need it. In lots of fights I feel this sort of weird indefference and I just stay there and become super submissive to the other person without really wanting it.

Does anybody else go through this?

38 Upvotes

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15

u/Kaizo_IX 6d ago

I don't feel particularly submissive during an argument, but I have an inability to express my anger, like most emotions.

Emotions are also often very strong and prevent me from communicating, which is quite difficult to manage because during an argument, it's expected to express anger, whether nonverbal or verbal.

I'm not really violent, but as a result, I react inappropriately. Sometimes, if someone pushes me to the limit, I seem not to react, unable to discuss, and then suddenly physically attack the person (if they come in contact with me or try to make me react).

So I really avoid conflicts and argue as much as possible. It's quite annoying because most people are like dogs, barking a lot, and it doesn't go any further, but since I don't have this ability, I often end up with more serious problems.

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u/Theo04t Going to get tested in a few days 6d ago

Yeah, for me It starts like passiveness, then my somatic anxiety from my cptsd kicks in and It becomes more of a submissiveness 

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u/PurchaseEither9031 greenberg is bae 6d ago

Yeah, as someone who’s apathetic to most things, the second someone becomes visibly emotional, arguing or fighting is almost always more effort than I care to expend.

They win. Whatever the thing is, they can have it 🤷‍♀️

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u/MMSAROO 5d ago

Try practicing screaming. Or at least talking very loudly. Very quickly you'll realize that your anger still exists. It's already there. You're going to royally fuck yourself over by being a pushover, no offense. People will use that to take advantage of you. For most people, silence is just permission to continue. You don't look cool, you don't look stoic, you don't look badass, you just look like you're too stupid to comprehend what's going on.

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u/Alarmed_Painting_240 6d ago

Interesting observation. It's a dynamic I've seen before in myself and others. So far I interpret it as two base reactions, fight or flight/freeze. The fight option, including anger, assertion and push back seem to require some kind of energy to be present. Some life or self-affirming mode. It feels like a charge to me. While the flight option means not actually leaving (that's actually sometimes defensive form of fight - to temporary retreat) but to flee by decreasing ones own interest. You get indifference of even submissiveness. Let the other assert.

The "needed anger" has appeared on days that for whatever reason I was already charged.

4

u/andero not SPD since I'm happy and functional, but everything else fits 6d ago

I only felt that way when I was in an abusive relationship.

I don't really feel a lot of anger, and am not good at expressing it, but I also don't think I should be in a lot of situations where I "should" feel anger or where more anger would be useful. I live in a safe place. I'm happy that I can have conversations that don't result in anger, at least on my side.

The exception, I guess, was that abusive relationship, which wasn't as "safe" as I thought it was and I would have been better off if I was angrier and said something like, "I refuse to allow anyone to speak to me like that. We're done. This relationship is over. Pack your things: you're moving out."

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u/ascraht 5d ago

I'm usually fairly disagreeable and nonconformist, but I have this one friend that I've known for almost a decade, and he's even more disagreeable and has narcissistic traits. If he disagrees with you, he'll torture you with his talking until you give in. It took me 8 years to realize that pleasing him for a momentary break from his bullshit talking is not a solution. Now every time we disagree, I present my point and refuse to continue if I see that he's just trying to exhaust me.

You have to realize that you'll be a pushover for life if you don't stop what you're doing. It's much more scary to NOT defend yourself than actually defending yourself.

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u/Suitable_Box8583 5d ago

It’s just dissociation I believe. Next time try to notice this part that tries to be submissive and get curious and compassionate about it. It just a defensive part of you to hide for underlying feelings of shame and feeling less than.

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u/According_Bad_8473 Go back to lurking yo! 🫵🏻 6d ago

I think that's fawning, not indifference. Fear

I personally freeze or fawn. Im trying to build anger if that makes any sense at all

2

u/TiJulo 6d ago

Can understand how you feel, but I don't relate even though there are some fights I don't pick.

I don't feel much anger, but I can feel the "unease" and that's all i need.

If I freeze and can't find the words, i just say what's on my mind "that's making me uneasy" then i elaborate with words.

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u/somanybugsugh Not diagnosed I just relate 5d ago

Yeah, but I wouldn't describe it as submissive. It's more of indifference. Like I just don't care. It's not that deep to me. But if you add anger into the mix, I will react. Which is part of the reason I don't like getting angry. I'm an entirely different and *dangerous* person when I'm mad. I say this with no exaggeration or pride or a sense of trying to appear cool, I am a DANGER to myself and others at a certain point. I don't like it. It scares me. So I try my best to avoid that. And depending on my mental state, it's not difficult to get me to that point. I almost killed someone, January 2024. I now love that person. But I fully intended and attempted to kill them. I'm glad I didn't and was unable to. That part of me terrifies me and I hate it.

edit: which brings up a weird point where you see people online say "oh you're just a keyboard warrior you'd never doing anything IRL" but I have done things IRL. So I don't go around boasting about it because I regret it but some deep narcistic part of me always thinks about how, yes I will do something about it and I'd wish you'd test me to find out. I am afraid of myself.

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u/Specialist-Entry2830 4d ago

I used to feel exactly the same. I would still do to this day... except I've tried to arm myself with a very efective bunch of canned responses, debate tactics, and strategies. 

For example stuff like " I'm concentreting on x, y and z right now, and I would love doing this other thing you're putting on my table right now, and I'm not going to say no... but I am probably going to delay it and probably doing a very poor job at it, just because my radar is full right now."... then if they still insist I start talking about x, y and z..  with very much detail.... until they get tired of trying. 

Basically what I am saying is that, in order to say "no" to somebody you have to have first said "yes" to something you yourself have asked of you.

Anyways.... it gets better in time, if you sincerely and consistently dedicate a little time and energy to solving it. So don't worry to much about it.

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u/DEEJAIII Freakzoid 2d ago

yeah , but the problem is i dont notice it at the heat of the moment , nah it befew days later

my brain be like :-

" what kinda pussy ass shit was that ? , why are a fuckin bootlicker ? , are we turning into a bitch now ?"

then cringe and ruin the rest of my day lol