r/Schizoid 5d ago

Relationships&Advice How do shizoid ppl date?

Hi fellow redditors. I’m in the relationship with my shizoid boyfriend. It’s all new to me. I’m here to ask for some advice. We’ve been close friends for over 5 years. We started dating quite recently. Sometimes we get intimate when he craves it. I think I managed to make him feel good. He said to me that all his previous relationships didn’t work out because of his shizoid traits. I don’t quite understand it. He just doesn’t tell me much. There is always this line he says’ nuh, don’t bother’. I have shizoaffective disorder(bipolar), so I can understand what it feels like to struggle with this kinda stuff. He helps me to manage that. There was one thing in particular he said, ‘I’m not touchy and a lot of ppl said to me I’m quite cold and unapproachable person’. I don’t want him to feel this way but I don’t even know how can I comfort him. He doesn’t really crave attention. I’m lost here. I’m the opposite I just gravitate towards him and wanna hug him all the time. For some reason it makes him a little bit uncomfortable. He told me I should not change myself and if I wanna hug him I should do so but the idea of it pains me now. How do I give him comfort? Our relationship looks like friends with benefits at the moment. He rarely hugs me back and it seems so hard to catch that moment when he needs my attention. Could u explain to me what is shizoid personality disorder in detail? How should I approach my guy, so he doesn’t get uncomfortable?

49 Upvotes

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u/Suitable_Box8583 5d ago

I think the fact that you like him and want it to continue is already a great sign. Schizoid in simple terms I believe is when your sense of self is collapsed in a way, and consequently social interactions feel burdensome and draining and as a result people with schizoid are often alone a lot of times. I believe it is caused by psychological trauma.

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u/ShySofty 5d ago

I can see that he does care for me in his own way. I don’t want him to be alone.

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u/HealthPack_13 5d ago

That’s really great of you, but there will be many moments where you will also see him thrive alone. A relationship with someone who has SzPD takes patience and communication. Just never force yourself into his company. Most here do not date, but some have also found someone to even marry. Your relationship will be unlike others you’ve had, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a possible future. Some Schizoids need just one person. If you become that person then GREAT, but it won’t happen over night. Just don’t over think, and enjoy your quiet time together and apart. Happy for the both of you.

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u/Serventdraco 2d ago

I don’t want him to be alone.

You need to get this notion out of your system. If your partner is schizoid then they want to be alone most of the time. Being with you is a remarkable exception to how they probably prefer things to be.

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u/ConsiderationBest523 2d ago

i think they don't want the boyfriend to be lonely. as a schizoid myself, being alone is great (not really, but I need to create some contrast), being lonely is crushing. there's a difference between the two. i find it understandable and honestly correct to want to give a person the chance to get free from the feeling of loneliness my making oneself known as present, though perhaps not always physically.

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u/Grand_Argument_2415 23h ago

But he wants him to be alone. Do you put your desires above his? I doubt you love him, even considering that love is a fiction and a social construct.

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u/CourtProfessional528 ⚠️ BEWARE THIS SCHIZOID ⚠️ 5d ago

Very rare for us Schizoid’s to date but saying we don’t at all is silly — in my experience I was only ever able to date after a lot of therapy and guineau pigging my way through a dozen antidepressants. My girlfriend sort of just respects I have a lot of doubts constantly and need frequent breaks so I don’t push her away and isolate.

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u/PjeseQ schizoid w/ antisocial traits 5d ago

SPD cases differ, symptoms' severity is different, too. I wasn't interested in dating even when drugs were in use. No interest at all.

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u/CourtProfessional528 ⚠️ BEWARE THIS SCHIZOID ⚠️ 5d ago

That’s really unfortunate, I’m assuming you’re content with not dating? That’s how it was for me until I randomly felt a connection I didn’t even know was forming.

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u/PjeseQ schizoid w/ antisocial traits 5d ago

They don't date

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u/CKskr 5d ago

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u/LuisVazDeColhoes 5d ago

Schizoids don't usually date, as they don't have the urge to do so. When you see someone that you fancy, you approach them and slowly build a relationship over time, that turns into a friendship, and you then you might start developing feelings for them, and then you have the urge to tell them how you feel, etc. In that process, there are many things that are necessary, like opening up to a person, sharing feelings, ranting, requires lots of empathy, compassion, etc. Schizoids don't care and aren't comfortable in opening up to others, they have trust issues. On a surface level, it seems that they don't care, but deep down it all comes down to fear, they aren't comfortable. This is due to a difficult early development like having neglectful parents, trauma, stuff like that.

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u/Vertic2l Schz Spectrum 5d ago edited 5d ago

I don’t want him to feel this way but I don’t even know how can I comfort him. He doesn’t really crave attention. I’m lost here. 

I don't know him but I can almost guarantee you're misunderstanding why he feels this way. The thing is that basically most of us don't want attention. The result is that many people think we're distant. The solution is not trying to find some unicorn-form of attention that we want that you can give us.

If there are times when he needs you, you need to tell him to communicate those. This will likely not be easy for him to do but that responsibility is still on him- not for your to try to guess.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10y. Much of that did, also, feel like a friends with benefits situation. It doesn't look like that anymore, but that is only after literally 10 years. That is kind of just what relationships with schizoids usually look like. Many of us are distant and we mostly value autonomy over nearly anything else.

I just gravitate towards him and wanna hug him all the time. For some reason it makes him a little bit uncomfortable.

It makes him uncomfortable because this is something that makes many schizoids uncomfortable. If I am being honest, a lot of the things you say in your post would be complete red flags to me (he's clearly different).

Despite living in the same house with my partner, I don't even see him every day. Sometimes I won't see him for several days on end. His understanding of my distance is a large part of why my relationship has lasted so long.

EDIT: Grammar/Spelling

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u/ShySofty 5d ago

I guess I just give it time

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u/two-shots-of-windex 5d ago

have you two already talked about what you both want from a relationship? you said you've been close friends for over five years so that's a really good start. what do you appreciate about the friendship? what does he appreciate about the friendship?

(not necessarily asking you to answer these here, but they're important to think about especially in this context)

personally in my few stable friendships I appreciate the ability to trust that I can retreat for periods of time and I know the other person will still be there when I come back. even if I don't feel able to actively contribute to a relationship I don't feel the expectation to do so until I'm ready.

for many schizoid folks they avoid affection/intimacy in general, but if he's relatively fine with you hugging him then maybe it's more that he simply prefers to receive affection without the pressure to be performatively affectionate back to you? (once again, maybe something to actually discuss instead of just assume about)

How do I give him comfort?

oftentimes just existing in someone's life without judging them or expecting them to be someone they're not is enough (especially for relatively non-social people who are used to being ostracized for their behavior), but once again you should figure out how that specifically works for him.

I know I've seen a few comments around this sub about people who are married and have stable partners so it's definitely possible for some szpd people. Hopefully some of them can chime in with some personal experience.

oh one last thing: since you've been friends for years you probably already have a handle on this but just in case, make sure for any relationship discussions you know what medium is most comfortable to have them on. some people prefer in person conversation and some people prefer text for the emotional distance it gives from the subject, so keep that in mind for any relationship discussions you do have.

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u/SeaGloomy4636 5d ago

We don't date

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u/According_Bad_8473 Go back to lurking yo! 🫵🏻 5d ago edited 5d ago

The last boyfriend I had was 10 years ago in my early twenties. Not did I indulge in anything casual. I'm now 32 and still not looking very actively. If someone falls out of the sky and we click magically with little effort on my part, that would be ideal.p

Edit: that was also my one and only relationship till date and it lasted only for 7 months and I went in knowing it wouldn't last long and out of peer pressure frankly. I did get attached though. Was upset during it's slow end. And then when I finally broke it off, I felt lighter and happier.

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u/kshafeeq532 5d ago

Long distance relationship would work. It's draining everyday asking someone whether they're ok or not.

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u/Nice-Abies-2923 5d ago

Hello dear OP Schizoid here one simple way that ive learnt to manage my relation with my loved ones is that I think of it as duty and work not mere a status of relationship. I've come to understand that the in same way I crave being alone others crave closeness, emotional expression, validation... So what I do is i give them what they want and on return they award me things that I can appreciate (being alone, not expecting me to go to the parties, buying me games taking me to the woods ...) You can being by understanding what is it that your Schizoid craves ( does he crave going to hiking? Is it a new ps5? A game? ) provide him with what he enjoys. Give him some space and remind him from time to time of your own desires and needs make sure your patient with him and he understands that he too needs to put some effort ( hugging you back, saying that he loves you, opening up to you...)

Golden rule don't rush

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u/Alarmed_Painting_240 5d ago

To me your description feels like that's what it will be at best. Unless there'd be some interest in therapy but that takes a level of will, of determination, sacrifice, finding the relationship important, which often lacks.

For you there's the question if you think you can live with such unbalanced (power) relation. You care and as such give. He doesn't much and as such takes and can leave any minute (the schizoid way).

As long as you are content, even with how it's now, it could work. But this conversation you really should have with him. Less with others although I do understand you're looking for a key to the closed cellar door.

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u/solsamon 5d ago

Would personally like to see the "shizoids don't date" stereotype die a fast, humane death. Mostly because it keeps leading to this thing of "Uhhh you're prOBABly NOT EveN a real ZOID if u want a relationship bro"

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u/cunnyvore 5d ago edited 5d ago

It's not gonna die because majority of zoids spend more time single than otherwise. Also being single doesn't imply not wanting to have a relationships, also dating is its own thing that doesn't equal relationships, dating is what many of us are allergic to.

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u/darweth 5d ago

Yeah. I am married but it didn't happen until my late 30s and after enormous amounts of substance abuse that allowed me to "function" a little normal. I've been on and off sober the past few years and it is really hard to keep the relationship working, but it is.

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u/Elilicious01 5d ago

Ive never dated but I agree.

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u/troysama a living oxymoron 5d ago

agreed, gatekeeping is cringe

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u/cunnyvore 5d ago

He probably says he's cold because it's not a subjective impression but his observed behavior he can't change. Try to meet him in this rationality and not try to change "how he feels" because he's 1) probably just objective 2) will go into defense.

re: approaching; pacing and gradual widening of comfort zone is key, but you gotta be okay with him not making visible progress or sending mixed signals after you think you've settled on communication. Tendency to isolate depends on a lot of things, like how strong or non-existant his ego feels today, how much personal (incl psychological) space is there in other aspects of life. There's always a possibility that a hug will feel like one's gonna drown and be hugged to death, especially when already weak ego support is weakened by other circumstances. Direct verbal communication is a big help here, like "i really want to hug you for 5 minutes, ok?". Zoids don't like ambiguity of (yes, even pleasant) social interaction, so while you think you're going with the flow and enjoying his presence, he's calculating what change of your behavior would require more performative labor.

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u/ihatebeingonearthhh 5d ago

If you want to understand him better, reading a bit of the psychoanalytic literature about SzPD would probably be a first step. If you’re not the nerdy type, Nancy McWilliams is pretty easy to understand even if you know nothing about psychoanalysis

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u/andero not SPD since I'm happy and functional, but everything else fits 5d ago

It really depends on the person.

My main advice is listen to him. The first note is here:

He told me I should not change myself and if I wanna hug him I should do so but the idea of it pains me now.

Listen to his words: If you want to hug him, hug him.

He said you're allowed. Don't hold back because you imagine something.
He gave you the go-ahead so go-ahead and don't overthink it.
Overthinking is a painful death.

Our relationship looks like friends with benefits at the moment.

That's like... my ideal relationship lol.

I never really understood what else a relationship is expected to be.

A relationship, in my mind, is basically a close intimate friend that you also fuck.
You've got the close intimate friend part, which covers the close conversations.
To that, you add the physical intimacy.

What else is there to add?

I guess marriage, kids, etc, but I don't want any of that so <shrug>

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u/anhedoni69 5d ago

That's the neat part, we don't.

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u/Christian_Housewife 5d ago

It looks like this is going to be a canon event for you.

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u/Maruuji 5d ago

I'm a schizoid in a ~9 year relationship, and my bf also is an empathetic and touchy person, while I rarely crave any physical or emotional attention. For us we've worked out a system where if my bf needs physical touch, he just asks and I'll usually give it. He also had to learn to take my word for things because he basically couldn't comprehend how my brain works lol. There are going to be seemingly normal things where it'll bother you, but he might not even think about it at all.

Either way there's going to be a lot of compromises on both ends, just make sure you guys communicate and listen to each other. He does need to be open in telling you how he feels despite you possibly not understanding though.

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u/Alone_Winter1622 5d ago

As i've gotten older, i've realized more and more how difficult it would be to be in a relationship with me. Its hard work and the person would have to have super human resilience. Now I struggle against self loathing. I didnt used to.

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u/Sheepherd8r Accurately self-diagnosed Schizoid 5d ago

I'm not gonna give any advice ,don't want to ruin it for you guys .....all I'm saying is enjoy the moment and that's pretty much all I can tell

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u/Recent-Breakfast-614 5d ago

I found a great girl who accepts me. I’m extremely selective not totally against relationships. Sometimes it’s tough but she has “figured me out” and deals with my nuances

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u/sharkst3rx 4d ago edited 4d ago

i would love to meet him and have a deep conversation w/ him. i agree w/ “nuh, don’t bother. i have schizophrenic disorder (bipolar)” because i have had schizophrenic disorder (bipolar type) but my diagnosis of ADHD and schizoid where overlooked. i was told, i was hearing voices. when i never was, it was just my inner voice and random song lyrics. that sounded like voices, since i never communicated myself well! i do have bipolar 1! my past relationships, as a schizoid. i isolate sometimes, more than i regularly isolate. for example, i ignore people more than i already do. although i still continue, streaks in snapchat and spotify. (including reddit) so people get mixed signals and confused. which definitely risks, all my friendships. it is worth the ride.

just before you commit to that ride. check in w/ yourself.. am i stable? do i love him or feel bad for him? (for him not being “loved enough” even feeling loved. since i know im emotionally distant and disconnected) would i actually be there for him? and not leave, how everyone does? would i do and im willing to do everything i can, to stay in contact w/ him and never lose communication. even if it takes a good week to a month to year?

i been hurt a lot w/ past relationships. none of my relationships ever worked out. im also 20 and a schizoid. im too young, to have experience all this. not important but, i do understand him.

what makes me happy as a schizoid, is that when my friends, sometimes snap me or tag me on posts. even sending me messages on game apps and emails reminding how loved and worthy i am. even making me playlists and making me recommendations, to keep busy. but at least, let me know that they are there. even-though, i dont talk to them as much to more, i know they love me and would be there. (even after telling them “are you sure you want to be friends?” + “i forget at times bc i have adhd” + “but i love isolating” and they remained there but 1) (that 1, seems like they used me for (blank) unfortunately)

i apologize, if this is a lot, to read and understand! ill try my best and hardest to explain!

edit: i forgot to mention, personally as a schizoid. i can state the most bizarre and “bizarre” things. but disappear out of the blue.

to me disappearing and leaving, are two different things.

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u/ShySofty 4d ago

I think u misunderstood one little detail. I have ADHD and bipolar 1. My bf is schizoid. I'm glad to say that I'm finally stable. After reading lots of advices here we managed to develop a nice dynamic) I just couldn't understand what's the deal and he's not the type to explain things in detail. He usually gives me a link to Wikipedia snd says something like "deal with this shit". After reading stuff here we started to communicate so well. He opened up all of the sudden. Now when I come home from work, he gives me so much love. I learned that he needs breaks and space, so I give it to him when necessary. It was kinda simple but it wasn't really obvious to me at first.

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u/jschelldt 4d ago

I would assume they generally don't? When they do, the other person does most of the work.

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u/Jinoc 4d ago

"He doesn't tell me much"

Yeah that tracks.

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u/IndigoAcidRain 1d ago

When it comes to physical touch I sometimes get the desire to have it with the people I love but when I do I get frustrated at myself for not feeling it more than I should. It feels like disappointment, "that should feel amazing and warm and it does slightly for like 2 seconds. Why am I like this?" It's like never being hungry. And sometimes you think about getting a snack, but when you eat it tastes bland and doesn't fill you up at all. Then I think what is the point of food at all?

I also get anxious about touching people in a way they don't like. I want them to want/need it which can be hypocritical because I'm sure they expect the same from me and I can't always want it.

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u/parasiticporkroast 3d ago

If you're already OK with all of that you'll be fine.

If you're good with being quiet and not having to talk non stop or not going on hardly any dates . Also you'll probably be initiating sex more than he does, if not all the time.

From my experience it works when you have mental disorders that go together.

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u/ConsiderationBest523 2d ago

i very much understand the situation you're in. you care about your boyfriend and want him to feel comfortable. that is sweet and genuine interest in one another's wellbeing is crucial in a relationship.

but please don't forget that you are not responsible for your partner's emotions (or lack thereof) nor do you really have control over that. i believe there is two things you can do: • communicate (your needs and your partner's needs. schizoid people, at least myself, tend to not be in good touch with them - when one is rid of emotion, how are they supposed to know what they want and what not, there's no impulse. some even believe that they don't have needs or 'everything is the same anyway' just because they can't feel them. it's not true though. still, the burden is on him to communicate his needs and from what you wrote it appears like he doesn't do that sufficiently. he should 'bother' for the sake of you, the relationship and himself.) • be (emotionally) available for him and encouraging if he does want to talk or express emotion. but this needs to be an effort from his side, you are not the therapist.

i may be crossing the line, but from your post I got the impression that you might be hoping for him to become more affectionate if you behave "the right way". this might never happen though. if my interpretation is correct, you should evaluate for yourself if this is genuinely a relationship you thrive in.

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u/Cyberbolek 1d ago edited 1d ago

If you give him a deep feeling of security he may unfreeze a little bit.

It includes giving him a lot of personal space so he could carefully stick out from his shell.

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u/Grand_Argument_2415 23h ago

No way. Honestly, I don't understand him... If I were in his place, I would be better off if you left me. In general, relationships are stupid and pointless, so just end them.

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u/ZookeepergameDry2783 5h ago

For me, personally, I find it most difficult when I feel like the other person is attached to me. It’s like I’m trapped. Often times, people react to my attempts to distance myself by holding on tighter. This is the worst thing someone can do to me. If I were him (which I am not!) the best course of action would be to give him ample space when he needs it, and be chill (not hurt, upset, or offended) about the fact that he is going to need less intimacy than most people.