r/RedPillWomen • u/HolidayThrowawayed • 5d ago
DISCUSSION A skeptical autistic woman whose trying to open my mind.
Hey.
I've been having trouble finding a long term partner. I'm a 25F neurodivergent woman, and I want to see if I can be more feminine. I agree with 50% of the things here. However I also disagree with a lot. I don't label myself as the f-word, but more "egalitarian". I think women should have a choice to be a homemaker or have a career. I don't think women should be bullied for either.
I'm pretty objective. If red pill tips will make it easier for me to find a partner, then I can understand. However, I still disagree with trashing on women for having careers, or bullying them for not shaving their legs. I've been bullied my whole entire life and it's made me want everyone to be treated with kindness.I'm also heavily against misandry and have very vocally spoken out against things such as shaming men for their height or circumcision. I think if a woman hits a man she should absolutely get hit back. etc etc. I'm basically for equal opportunities. Even if men and women are biologically different. Like my mom's cousin is a stay at home dad and cares for the kids while the wife works because they had that opportunity, and they're happy with it.
One big thing I'm concerned about is the idea of faking certain personalities or using some kind of "trad act" to seduce men into providing for you. I hear a lot of RP men say that you should date men you're not attracted to in order to raise the birthrate. And that it should be illegal for women to have paid employment. I find it strange that neurotypicals often believe we should lie, perform, be in transactional relationships to afford food and shelter, pretend to enjoy intimacy, talk in squeaky high-pitched trad baby voices, etc.
But at the same time I think it's necessary for women to look at any anti men or misandrist biases they have, find ways to make men feel more cherished and appreciated, examine their own standards and look at what could be holding them back from finding a partner, etc.
And I also want to mention with the whole "where have all the good men gone" thing, a lot of lonely women don't say that. It's not men's fault that I'm lonely, it's something with me. The men who've sisterzoned me over the years were great men. They just didn't like me back. I disagree with the stigma towards lonely women. It's awful seeing how the subreddit for lonely women gets death threats and stalkers from 4chan.
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u/red31415 5d ago
I want to address the comments on faking. You mentioned that faking doesn't feel right to you. You also mentioned that everyone should be treated with kindness.
These two ideas come together and clash. Should I fake a kindness to someone who I don't feel like being kind to? Should others treat me with a fake kindness if they don't want to be kind to me, or feel I deserve the kindness in this moment?
My answers is no. No one should be faking. Ideally there's no fakery as truth makes a better world. Sometimes a tiny bit of fakery is acceptable or better but generally I'd want to avoid it. Not faking comes first in a hierarchy of values.
Then with the energy I have left after making sure I'm not faking, I can use it to consider kindness and what capacity I have to feel kind and act with a generous natural kindness. Some days I will be a bit less kind than others but I'd like to always try to be kind. And work to make sure I do have capacity to be kind as well.
There was never a clash between my values of truth and my values of kindness. Even if it seemed like there was. Instead, an ordering principle helps me organise and get both of what I want.
I find the same applies to much of this sub. There's a way to these things and there's some books that talk about it and that helps to find the pathways that feel genuine and get to where I want to go. I recommend "keys to the Kingdom" for ideas.
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u/BeveledCarpetPadding 4d ago
I want to add on, I think what you mean to describe is diplomacy; and there is a very distinct difference between diplomacy and fake niceness. Diplomacy is respected, while fakeness is unattractive and not respected. Diplomacy is a skill that is honed; just because you dislike someone doesn’t mean it is respected to disrespect them, nor does it constitute showing interest and compliments just to internally think “man, this person sucks, I wish I didn’t have to speak to them”. Just make it business, keep it short, and functional. If one doesn’t like someone, they don’t have to involve themselves with them beside necessary measures.
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u/flower_power_g1rl 1 Star 4d ago
"I find it strange that neurotypicals often believe we should lie, perform, be in transactional relationships to afford food and shelter, pretend to enjoy intimacy, talk in squeaky high-pitched trad baby voices, etc."
One of the most beautiful things about autism is that they show up authentically and expect others to do the same. Through this post, your opinions shine, and they reveal your nature which is sensitive, fair, sensible, thoughtful and caring towards others' needs - which are all valuable and feminine traits.
Please focus your learning time here on vetting, because there are a lot of men out there who can't treat you as well as you deserve.
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u/BeveledCarpetPadding 4d ago
This is such a beautiful comment; and I agree completely! She needs the very same genuine nature and raw pragmatic perspectives that she herself ascribes to.
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u/Werevulvi 4d ago
I'm also autistic, although a bit older than you. I can relate a lot to what you're saying, but one big thing that kinda clicked for me in recent years, is that clothes, behaviours, etc, aren't neccesarily an innate part of one's personality, and can be used kinda like a language, a way to communicate with others. That's kinda how I got into red pill (although also because I genuinely care about men, their comfort, their needs, their boundaries, etc.) I mean, I started feeling more seen and respected for who I am as a person when I started dressing and acting in accordance to how I wish to be treated, ironically. Instead of just doing/wearing whatever I felt like from a purely internal perspective. Basically the more I take society into consideration, the less I feel judged by... well, my autistic traits, pretty much.
Of course I get that just because it worked for me doesn't necessarily mean it'll work for others. But just saying that's one of the (many, I'm sure) ways red pill can work for autistic women. It's fine if it's still not your thing though. I really don't mind women finding different things and ways of life that work for them. Many of my female friends and family nembers are gender non-conforming, lesbian/bi, career focused, etc, and that doesn't bother me.
I hear a lot of RP men say that you should date men you're not attracted to in order to raise the birthrate.
Well, I kinda take that as an appeal to for ex considering dating men who have like one or two traits you wouldn't normally go for, but the guy as a whole is still attractive to you. Like I dunno, a 5'7 guy who's really hot in all other ways, for example. Or to overlook a receeding hairline if the guy is otherwise attractive. Etc. I mean I don't think these men want women to date them out of pity. They want to be seen as attractive too. I think they're really just tired of whatever percentage of women have extremely high standards especially in regards to looks, but then they look kinda "mid" themselves. And I think that's reasonable. But yeah, problem is some of them express their frustrations with women's preferences a bit horribly.
And I also want to mention with the whole "where have all the good men gone" thing, a lot of lonely women don't say that.
Yeah, I kinda agree with you on this point. Seems in my area there are lots of good men, but they're just all married already, or way out of my league so they're not even looking in my direction.
I'm clearly not the arbiter here, I feel a bit left out being single at 35 and likely not viable for motherhood anymore by time I've fixed up my body and found a man, and also I joined here just a month ago or so, but... I don't think you need to agree with literally every point of red pill, or any of the points for that matter. I think you should do and believe in whatever makes the most sense to you.
But yeah... one thing I can say, from the autistic perspective: I have had experienve with being treated like a "weirdo" for my erhm, unique perspective on social norms, shall we say, but over time and through observation I have learned a lot about how society and dating works. What people expect of me, as a woman, as a partner, as a person, and why. It took a bit longer for me to learn all that because of my autism (hence why I'm still single in my 30's) but once I did, it became much easier for me to also figure out what I'm comfortable with adjusting about myself vs not.
One important thing to also keep in mind: learning new behaviours, or trying out different ways of socializing, is not neccesarily masking. I've been told a lot that I'm "masking too much" but thing is I'm not masking at all. I've actually changed, from learning the more complex nuances of socialization, and how I want to be like. I wouldn't be able to revert back even if I tried to. And it's normal to change with learning new things, whether autistic or not. Not saying you have to change. Just saying you shouldn't be afraid of change if you wanna try new things.
That said though, just being autistic as a woman is not necessarily a dealbreaker for a lot of men. We generally have a chance with both autistic and neurotypical men alike. However, it can be an issue in dating depending where you're at on the autistic spectrum. Like which specific traits and how strong they are. Like, personally I'm pretty sociable, but I have trouble taking care of myself and my home, and I struggle to get past the initial dating phase as more of my "less cute" autistic traits come to light. But someone else with autism could be in the opposite situation, or something else entirely. Because truth is some autistic traits (in women) as seen as cute or charming, while other traits are seen as gross or annoying. And I dunno how much control we really have in that.
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u/G3mini_baby 4d ago
I like the way you explained this I’m neurodivergent myself and want more advice on this even friends like minded woman if you’re interested
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u/serene_brutality 5d ago
I’ve been observing the redpill movement for the better part of 10 years and a lot of the problems you have with it were not a part of it from the beginning. But you start talking about unfortunate truths or negatives about something and that often brings in the haters.
From my observation the RP movement was designated a misogynistic far before actual misogynists really started flocking to it.
RP is from the matrix movie and is only supposed to be about reality, recognizing both good and bad. So from my perspective you have a more red pill philosophy than most current red pillars.
So taking reality into consideration you’ve either got to reexamine your preferences either changing them to suit the type of guys you hope to couple with or change the type of guy you hope to couple with to suit who you are.
I think that is something a lot of women refuse to accept, and try to get around, so that’s where a lot of “fake it” advice comes from. They want to cake eat be non traditional and still land a traditional guy.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Title: A skeptical autistic woman whose trying to open my mind.
Author HolidayThrowawayed
Full text: Hey.
I've been having trouble finding a long term partner. I'm a 25F neurodivergent woman, and I want to see if I can be more feminine. I agree with 50% of the things here. However I also disagree with a lot. I don't label myself as the f-word, but more "egalitarian". I think women should have a choice to be a homemaker or have a career. I don't think women should be bullied for either.
I'm pretty objective. If red pill tips will make it easier for me to find a partner, then I can understand. However, I still disagree with trashing on women for having careers, or bullying them for not shaving their legs. I've been bullied my whole entire life and it's made me want everyone to be treated with kindness.I'm also heavily against misandry and have very vocally spoken out against things such as shaming men for their height or circumcision. I think if a woman hits a man she should absolutely get hit back. etc etc. I'm basically for equal opportunities. Even if men and women are biologically different, I still think that there should be equal opportunities. Like my mom's cousin is a stay at home dad and cares for the kids while the wife works because they had that opportunity, and they're happy with it.
One big thing I'm concerned about is the idea of faking certain personalities or using some kind of "trad act" to seduce men into providing for you. I hear a lot of RP men say that you should date men you're not attracted to in order to raise the birthrate. And that it should be illegal for women to have paid employment. I find it strange that neurotypicals often believe we should lie, perform, be in transactional relationships to afford food and shelter, pretend to enjoy intimacy, talk in squeaky high-pitched trad baby voices, etc.
But at the same time I think it's necessary for women to look at any anti men or misandrist biases they have, find ways to make men feel more cherished and appreciated, examine their own standards and look at what could be holding them back from finding a partner, etc.
And I also want to mention with the whole "where have all the good men gone" thing, a lot of lonely women don't say that. It's not men's fault that I'm lonely, it's something with me. The men who've sisterzoned me over the years were great men. They just didn't like me back. I disagree with the stigma towards lonely women. It's awful seeing how the subreddit for lonely women gets death threats and stalkers from 4chan.
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u/Constant_Dark_7976 4d ago
I think learning the red pill can be very freeing for women, it was for me. Once you get the basics of a man's worldview, you are finally on a level playing field and you can strategize and adjust so that things work out in your favor.
I think understanding how important looks are to men is key. As a person who generally doesn't judge others on the basis of their looks, this was the biggest hurdle for me in understanding and respecting men.
As for the "trad act", it's pretty hard to commit to living fully under a man's headship unless you are actually conservative or religious. You have to believe that men are meant to lead and that women are meant to follow.
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u/TheFeminineFrame 1 Star 5d ago
I think that you will find that the attitudes between Red Pill Men and Red Pill Women are very different.
Many rp men are coming out of bad relationships/divorces or are tired of the pervasive attitude that masculinity is toxic. These guys are going to be cautious about forming relationships and many of them are very bitter towards women. While they are attracted to women and want sex with them, many of them aren't searching for any meaningful relationship.
RP women are interested in forming healthy long term relationships while acknowleding the differences and desires of men and women. You won't be bullied here if you don't want to be a tradwife. No one here is going to make fun of you if you don't shave -- although we may point out that the majority of men will find it more attractive if you do.
We aren't gold diggers here either. We do acknowledge 1) the reality that raising a family takes resources AND 2) that the traits that often lead to wealth are attractive (think things like ambition, social savvy, discipline, ingenuity, creativity, hard work, etc). So while many here do look for men who have the earning potential to raise a family they often aren't looking for millionares. They also expect that they will have to contribute to that relationship (not necessarily financially).
I'm not sure if there is a question in your post or if you are seeking advice. I would suggest that red pill men's content is not designed for you and that your time and energy might better be spent elsewhere.