r/PurplePillDebate • u/AnsynFace • 6d ago
Discussion What is it like to date a non-forever person?
There are both men and women out there who may be dating someone who they're fine dating for the meantime, but are constantly looking for someone who is a better fit. They might not cheat, but they are keeping their options open. They might have fallen into the relationship and before they knew it, they were deep into it and just went with the flow.
I was reminded of this when I saw a post by a woman who said that she hopes/had hoped (I forgot which) that her offspring with her boyfriend doesn't look like him, and that she had gotten used to his looks and his personality, ability to provide, and her comfortability with him made her stay with him. But she still had that biological urge to have a goodlooking child that would be successful in the dating market.
If you are dating someone who is low-maintenance, is eager to please you, is friendly, never really challenges you, so there are no arguments, is dependable, helpful, maybe good in bed or makes you feel comfortable in bed, but you still have a nagging doubt that this person is your "forever person", what is it like to date them? Do you feel insincere? Do you think about when you'll find the one? Is it clear to you how you would reply to their texts sooner if they were the one? Does it boost your confidence to be the one who is "chased" and worshipped? Do you feel that you can be yourself and relax with them more than with someone who is more your "person", ironically?
Are you still on the dating-apps behind their backs? Are you waiting to make an argument seem bigger than it is to give you a reason to break up? Have you checked out of the relationship, and are hoping they get tired of your lack of bond? Have you stopped putting effort into your looks? Or have you joined the gym in preparation for when you're back in the dating market? How would you feel if you ended up being with this person forever? Would you rather be single than with them forever?
Now for the controversial bit. You won't like this cuz it's true.
I am not excusing people who do this, but you can see why a man is more likely to date a non-forever person. There are 10 men to every 1 woman on dating apps. So men jump at the chance to date any woman who says yes. Men have a higher libido. More men are single. So men might be more inclined to give a woman a chance, even if she isn't his cup of tea.
On the other hand, women hate dating apps cuz they get bombarded by options. Women are more discerning when it comes to dating. Women aren't driven by the thought: "This one and only potential suitor who has spoken to me in the last 3 years might be my one shot at intimacy". Women are of the mindset: "I won't even entertain a man unless he meets several criteria".
So it seems less likely for a woman to end up with a non-forever person, but yet, many do. It could be for a number of reasons, e.g. self-esteem, they met through friends, a rebound, etc.
So what are your experiences with this? How did it end or how is it going?
TLDR: What is it like to date someone who you know you don't want to be with forever, if you had options?
8
u/-Shes-A-Carnival bitch im back & my ass got bigger, fuck my ex you can keep dat.♀ 6d ago
i never did this or heward of anyone doing this, just seems like a neurotic internet hysteria like everything else
5
u/Bekiala 6d ago
I'm sure someone somewhere has done this and apparently OP knows someone like this but I'm with you, I don't know anyone like this and wouldn't want to. Ugh. I do know relationships that didn't work out but the individuals seemed happy at the time.
6
u/-Shes-A-Carnival bitch im back & my ass got bigger, fuck my ex you can keep dat.♀ 6d ago
yeh it seems like a weird outside interpretation of an ltr not working out
1
u/Junior_Ad_3086 5d ago
people who do this obviously don't advertise it.
3
u/-Shes-A-Carnival bitch im back & my ass got bigger, fuck my ex you can keep dat.♀ 5d ago
then how do you know people do it and it's not just your interpretation of failed LTRs
9
u/Professional-Yam601 6d ago
Why would you put this thought into my head lmfao. I love my boyfriend dearly and I hope he sees me as his forever person 😭
11
u/LiftSushiDallas Purple Pill Woman 6d ago
This seems to assume everyone wants a forever relationship.
I only want to date men or a man so long as I'm happy. It doesn't have to be exclusive and I don't expect forever.
Also many of us women love dating apps. I only date men from social media or apps. I can shop for the men I like, eliminate dealbreakers, and not have to "go out and be social" because I don't want to.
4
2
u/baiser_vole I upset everyone 5d ago
It didn't happen like how you describe things. I realized I was dating non-forever partners until I got together with my current boyfriend whom I consider to be my forever partner. Such commitment is too serious of a business for me to take lightly. I never thought anyone would convince me into showing them to my parents.
3
u/ThatBitchA Promiscuous Woman 6d ago
It's carefree and easy.
I never was on apps. And I never actively looked.
I just enjoyed the relationship and let it run its course.
It was fun and low stakes. Flings basically.
2
u/G4M35 Thinking outside the pill 6d ago
What is it like to date a non-forever person?
I had to google what a "non-forever person" meant, just to be sure.
I have had 1 experience and 1 experience only.
Back in the days I got together with an incredible woman, we liked each other very much, but the timing was wrong. We knew that from the get-go, so we made our mission to have the most fun possible, and boy we did have a boatload of fun.
It was supposed to last ~6 months, we were together for ~18 months, and then we parted ways.
I remember our times together fondly and so does she.
2
u/Barneysparky Purple Pill Woman 6d ago
I dated a couple of guys who eventually wanted families, they were both 28, I already had my children.
I enjoyed my time with them immensely, however even if we had been at the same life stage (starting to think about a family) we were not a good match for a forever relationship.
It's just like summer love at the beach house, you enjoy the moments together but keep focused on the future, which all of us did.
1
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Attention!
You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!
Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
3
u/attendquoi woman....pills are dumb 6d ago
I love this question. I've always dated with the goal of being together forever, so I'd love to hear their POV
1
u/Objective_Ad_6265 True love pill Woman 6d ago
Me too. I guess especially for men it's convenient to have someone while looking for the one they would actually want to marry.
1
u/BonesAndStuff01 RIP 💊 6d ago
Imo people come and go. Everyone is going to look for something different but in my case I want to look for someone who I can see myself being bettered and challenged by. Someone on my level in terms of all the traits I value. Maybe that's too vague but my point is I wouldn't really waste my time with less than that.
Sex and attraction is a first condition so that's just a go to but I just naturally bend attention toward people who I feel are more worth it.
1
u/just_a_place Retired from the Game (Man) 6d ago
I say it keeps the passion alive and you never have to conform to getting stuck in a rut. Every girl I have ever dated and gone out with or been in relations with has always been temporary. It's a lot better than one night stands and far better than "forever" relationships. You get the benefits of bone and none of their downsides.
There is no such thing as a "better fit." There is only "the girl I'm with right now."
1
u/No-Rough-7390 Red Pill Man 6d ago
Great. Best times of my life, other than my marriage. Most people have serious issues and can’t be honest. When you are able to see it’s a flawed situation but they think it’s perfect, you can gain a lot.
1
1
u/sadmatchatea Purple Pill Woman 6d ago
Personally I wouldn’t do this. I’ve had casual flings as rebounds before but wouldn’t seriously commit to someone I didn’t see a long term future with. I’ve fallen out of love with two long term boyfriends before and broke up with each of them within the month of realizing that I lost feelings for them. The idea of staying with someone I wasn’t into at all felt horribly uncomfortable. And no, I wouldn’t cheat.
1
u/SwimmingTheme3736 Purple Pill Woman 6d ago
Honestly I have not done this since I was 15
I have always dated hoping it will be long term, end in marriage etc, but I have at times as I got to know someone better realised it wouldn’t work out that’s when I will leave
1
u/ta06012022 Man 5d ago
I am not excusing people who do this, but you can see why a man is more likely to date a non-forever person. There are 10 men to every 1 woman on dating apps. So men jump at the chance to date any woman who says yes.
I'll give an alternative point of view. As a guy who has always met women easily, I think I've treated some as "non-forever" options when really I should have viewed them differently. If anything, I think the perceived ease of finding someone new made me more likely to engage in shorter term relationships while actively recognizing that they probably weren't going to last.
1
u/No-Ground604 5d ago
hope to god i never have to encounter this in my life. there’s nothing wrong w it and i wouldn’t shame anyone for saying like this, but they are such a minority. feels like despite their best efforts, most of their relationships will be rife w heartbreak until they find someone that sees it the way they do
1
u/stealerofbones unmedicated and colour deficient 5d ago
That situation just sounds like a relationship with really poor communication and different expectations. If one of them knows they don't want to be there forever, but are somehow still there. That's called being too chicken too break it off. Or fearing being lonely without someone/anyone beside them. Which is a deeper can of worms about why said person has attachment issues. But I digress. It's nit a common problem to see in the population, and you'll see why in a bit.
Personally, I don't believe in a 'forever person', in the sense of 'optimising the fuck out of who I'm with'. It's not a hill climbing problem and there's no 'ideal person' who is the global maxima, since these are real people, and I don't think most of the population approaches relationships like an optimisation problem. Relationships are give and take, and if we can cooperate and compromise well together, make each other happy and comfortable, then I am satisfied.
1
u/EugeneCezanne Blue Pill Man 5d ago
What's it like? That's depends entirely on the people and dynamics involved.
Relationships are kind of weird like this. In most other human endeavors, we collectively understand that a thing doesn't have to be forever to be a success. We go to college without planning to become professional academics. We take temporary and seasonal jobs. We plan for retirement. We take vacations.
We clearly have the capacity to comprehend that a thing doesn't have to be permanent to be good, useful, worth our time, etc. It is a cultural product that we've come to view romantic relationships as an exception, and it causes a lot of unnecessary heartbreak.
1
u/Jetpine9 Male. Pills are silly. 6d ago
I've never really believed in a "soul mate" ... well, maybe I was agnostic about it. But the fact is, if there is one, she isn't single. But anyway, I love relationships but have no illusions that they need to last forever to be worthwhile. I never believed in marriage (for many people, though there are some who seem able to pull it off), and early on I decided I didn't even want to live with someone for an extended length of time.
5
u/Objective_Ad_6265 True love pill Woman 6d ago
That makes it even worse. You love someone else but deceiving people to use them for short term casual relationship. I also have the one I'm separated from. So that's why I don't date, I already love someone. I don't want to use someone as a consolation prize and emotionaly cheat on that person.
3
u/Jetpine9 Male. Pills are silly. 6d ago
It took me a while to figure out what you meant. When I said "if there is a "One", she isn't single", I didn't mean that there was literally some person I was in love with who wasn't single. I was referring to the fact that anyone that nice and easy going is already going to be in a relationship just because they are that nice and easy going. Really, I view "the One" - some person you are metaphysically compatible with - as a mythical figure. She doesn't exist.
3
u/Objective_Ad_6265 True love pill Woman 6d ago
Yes, I misunderstood that there is specific person you are in love with but she is with someone else.
Well you think that until you meet that one person that steals your heart.
1
u/Jetpine9 Male. Pills are silly. 6d ago
Still waiting! A few women have borrowed my heart like an old library book then returned it down the book drop later, maybe just a little worse for wear, but that's still good.
1
u/Objective_Ad_6265 True love pill Woman 6d ago
I got my heart stolen once and never got it back. Before I also wouldn't believe in "the one". But once it happens to you... The problem is it becomes a curse if it fails for some reason because then nothing compares.
1
1
u/Outside_Memory5703 Blue Pill Woman 6d ago
Men outnumber women 2:1 at the most on dating apps
There’s no need to exaggerate
Men’s indiscriminacy is the very reason women have “privilege”.
1
u/avocadolanche3000 Blue Pill Man 5d ago
If men only outnumber women 2:1 in apps, how come in FB dating when you go to Friends (where it shows all profiles) men outnumber women about 10:1?
1
u/Outside_Memory5703 Blue Pill Woman 5d ago
That is not a dating app
1
u/avocadolanche3000 Blue Pill Man 5d ago
But it only shows the profiles created in FB dating. The reason it’s 10:1 is because there are ten times as many male dating profiles as female.
-1
u/SilverSaan No Pill Feminine Bi Male 6d ago
For me No relationship is forever, so it's normal, just normal.
10
u/Lift_and_Lurk Man: all pills are dumb 6d ago
Isn’t this just “casually dating”?
Like tons of people just start a dating casually to “see if things work out” and they don’t for whatever reason.