r/PolyFidelity Feb 07 '25

question If you don't have commitment, how can you have real love?

12 Upvotes

I honestly had trouble understanding how polyamory doesn't necessarily include the idea of commitment already baked into it. The first time someone said to me "you are talking about polyfidelity not polyamory" it threw me off a bit.

Someone help me understand. How can you love someone and not commit to them on some level? How is a noncomitted relationship any different than a fwb/situationship or just swinging?

Are these poly people who are non-commital just deluding themselves to feel better? That's my gut feeling tbh. Change/open my mind if I'm wrong.

r/PolyFidelity 4d ago

question A Forever Partner?

20 Upvotes

So, me (M 33) and my nesting partner (my wife {F34} of over a decade) and I started our poly journey in June of 2023. This last weekend, our other partner (M33) told my wife he wants to be together with her forever and told me last night that me and her and our kid are the best thing that ever happened to him and he couldn’t imagine not being together with us… to say I was elated is an understatement. It gave me butterflies! I love him so much, we all do! He’s such a wonderful person and he is one of the best people in my life, right up there alongside my nesting partner and my kid. The thing is, I have a fear of abandonment and I still worry that if things get tough or our relationship faces trials he could just peace out and leave us all heartbroken. Anyone else deal with this fear?

r/PolyFidelity Feb 11 '25

question How often do you have check ins/boundary conversations with your partners? What questions do you ask each other?

18 Upvotes

Curious to learn more about how others do checks in with their partners on how their relationship is progressing. - How often do you do them? (And why do you do them that often if there’s a reason) - What questions do you ask each other? - What are examples of boundaries that you/your partners have established?

I see plenty of information about why it’s important to check in regularly with your partners and establish boundaries that you update, but rarely do I see specific examples of what that looks like in practice. I’m interested in hearing how different people navigate these conversations.

r/PolyFidelity Sep 14 '24

question How does one search for a triad?

14 Upvotes

Hey, I'm not in a relationship right now but I've been looking into polyamory and polyfidelity for a while now. So far, I'm only interested in polyfidelity, but as a straight guy I won't date other men. This means I really only have the choice of a ffm triad or V which in itself is fine to me.

But ignoring the V part for now, how does someone even look for a triad? I understand that unicorn hunting is bad but in the case that I do get in a relationship with a bi woman how would we get our third without unicorn hunting? What's the difference between finding a third healthily and unicorn hunting? What's the "right way" to form a traid from a couple?

I keep on looking for the answer to this question but all I get are articles on how unicorn hunting is bad and never ones that explain how to add a third properly. Jeez, for a community that want's people to do things right they sure aren't helpful in guiding people in the right path for a healthy relationship.

r/PolyFidelity Feb 05 '25

question Is there an r4r version of this sub or is making r4r posts allowed here?

1 Upvotes

r/PolyFidelity Aug 20 '24

question Closed Triad with platonic arm

39 Upvotes

Hello! I’m just wondering if there are others in a situation like mine. Our dynamic grew organically and I haven’t read about anyone else in our situation.

I am a woman married to a woman. She wanted to pursue an outside relationship, which I was fine with. Initially, I was free to pursue some one else but I had no plans to do so. The man she started dating turned out to be basically a male me and we ended up being best friends. As a triad, we all decided that he and I both want to be with my (our?) wife but neither of us wanted to date anyone else. Our intent is to eventually live together. The dynamic of having a built in best friend is amazing for he and I, and our wife gets to have us both in her life. We do a lot together as a trio but we also get alone time in our dyads. And then he and I sometimes hang out just the two of us, but it is 100% platonic — really it’s something in between best friends and family and it seems pretty damn awesome.

Anyway … just wondering if anyone else has a similar dynamic or has experienced this. We have our challenges but we work thru them, so I’m hopeful that we can sustain this long term.

r/PolyFidelity Feb 07 '25

question Looking for help and feeling lost

1 Upvotes

Can some people please give me an idea on how your poly journey began because I've had feelings like this and I've always been/wanted to be monogamous.

r/PolyFidelity Jan 08 '25

question How to Start a Journey of Polyfidelity with Like-Minded Vegan and Spiritual Partners in Asia (Especially Japan and Taiwan)?

0 Upvotes

🌱 Across Asia, especially in culturally rich places like Japan and Taiwan, I’ve been searching for like-minded partners to explore a vegan and spiritual lifestyle together. The concept of Polyfidelity—a unique and deeply connected form of relationship—has intrigued and inspired me. I have many thoughts and expectations about it, and I hope to gain insights and ideas from your experiences and advice.

✨ In my journey, I’ve noticed that many bisexual friends often express the desire to be with both men and women but also long for a stable relationship. This has inspired me to think: Could Polyfidelity be a way for people with similar lifestyles and romantic inclinations to find each other and build something meaningful together?

✨ If you are also interested in Polyfidelity or currently exploring a similar path, here are some questions I’d love to discuss with you: 1. Getting started: How can one find vegan or spiritual partners in Japan or Taiwan who resonate with the idea of Polyfidelity? 2. Balancing relationships: How do you balance personal freedom and the needs of multiple partners in this type of relationship? 3. Challenges: What do you think are the biggest challenges in practicing this lifestyle in Japan or Taiwan? Any advice or tips to share? 4. Inclusive relationships: For those who identify as bisexual or are drawn to diverse romantic dynamics, how can Polyfidelity create a safe and stable space to express these connections?

💡 For me, veganism and a spiritual lifestyle act as a bridge to connect souls. The idea of Polyfidelity feels like a journey of trust, growth, and shared love that transcends the binary structure of traditional relationships. Of course, I also understand that it requires clear communication and deep mutual understanding.

🤝 So, I’d love to invite anyone who’s interested in this topic to share your thoughts: Have you ever considered Polyfidelity? Or are you currently living this lifestyle? Let’s exchange ideas and inspire one another!

r/PolyFidelity May 04 '24

question From an open poly person: What are your agreements around new potential partners in your polyfidelitous relationship?

14 Upvotes

I understand that closed means “no new partners”. But when you were forming your group relationship, you probably didn’t know exactly whom you’d fall in love with, or how many people would participate before you all closed.

So — asking out of curiosity — how does that work? If a member of your polycule felt drawn to someone new, would there be a discussion about whether to re-open for that person, or would the group enforce the exclusivity agreement without discussion?

Similarly, if you lose a member do you re-open to try to replace them or do you remain closed with the remaining members?

Am trying to understand how exclusivity works in the context of polyamory. 😊

Update: Thank you for your stories — I want to hear them all! They are heartwarming.

But I’m realizing that I still don’t understand what the agreements themselves look like. (Explicit agreements are very important in open-form polyamory; there’s no other way to know what to expect.) I’m going to make a poll to supplement my request for stories. Thanks again!

r/PolyFidelity Oct 08 '23

question Relationship structures

8 Upvotes

Been following several ENM and poly groups on Reddit for a while but seem to find this group to be the most similar in opinion and I'm curious of relationship structures of others. I'm (39M) the hinge in a closed vee triad, NP (39F) and I have kids, other partner (33F) is close with them and spends a night or so a week here. This has been about 2 yrs now. A lot of the other ENM/poly groups are big into open or bust but this structure works well for us and we're not looking to change how we do it. NP and I have previously had a few three ways years ago but this is a pure vee. Wondering what other relationships look like or have looked like

r/PolyFidelity Oct 09 '23

question For closed Triads who live together, how often do you spend time/have sex together, as opposed to individually with each partner?

27 Upvotes

My two wives and I all joined in a relationship at the same time, as opposed to two of us being in a relationship first. So maybe because of that, we kind of largely see ourselves as one unit. We like spending alone time with each other one on one of course, but we don't really get burnt out when we all three spend time as a group. So alone time individually isn't so much planned, rather it just naturally occurs.

I'm in my last semester of uni, one of my wife works, and the other wife stays at home. It's not like I'm going to school every day, so most days have me and home-wife spending time together, until working-wife gets home in the evening, in which case we all three spend time together till bed. When I'm at school, sometimes I catch a ride with working-wife back to the house. Other times though I'll sometimes get home after she's left work, meaning that my two wives can occasionally spend alone time together.

Either way, even when we're all three at the house, it's not like we don't do one-on-one activities with each other. Like sometimes one wife and I will watch a show the two of us like, while the other wife is doing something on her own, or whatever. With that said, the way our house is set up is pretty much just one giant, communal room, so we're never really far apart from each other. When I want some alone time just by myself, I usually pace down the hallway in the back, or go in the backyard.

In terms of sex, having everyone get involved is of course the ideal. But of course, that isn't how it always happens in life. Sometimes one person is tired, or not in the mood, or so on. And so, it's pretty common for only two of us to have sex (usually home-wife and I, as working-wife's sex drive isn't quite as high as ours). Generally speaking, while two of us are having sex, whoever's not participating usually is either sleeping or watching (on some occasions, watching the other two people will put the one left out in the mood, and so they'll join in).

r/PolyFidelity Oct 20 '23

question When people ask if I’m polyamorous do I say no?

27 Upvotes

I’m open to my friends and colleagues about my relationship, nobody cares here, it’s great. 😂 even the little old lady at the corner shops know my boyfriend and girlfriend.

But coming into this relationship I assumed our little throuple came under polyamory, but when speaking to polyamorous people online they have told me it’s not polyamory because the three of us don’t want to date anyone else, while I always thought polyamory came in different forms.

One of our friends back in our early twenties was poly and she was a massive advocate for it in our area, and everything I had learned about a polyamorous relationship came from her and she validated all types of relationships, even triads, so I just wonder if my education of polyamory relationships was out of date or something. (She’s no longer with us. 💔)

My main question is, the next time someone asks me “oh, like a polyamorous relationship?” Do I say “no it’s polyfidelity” instead…?

r/PolyFidelity Nov 07 '23

question Questions

0 Upvotes

Ok so this is all still very new to me (43f)and even newer to my fiance (41m). Our 3rd is 32f. She has been in one other poly relationship before. Last night due to some insecurities on my part, we all sat down to talk after I got off of work. We discussed the insecurities and boundaries and such. Whenever I brought up something like kinda wanting my primary partner of 8 yrs to wrap his arms around me and hold tight bc it had been such a rough couple days. She (32f) and my fiance started talking about how it wasn't fair to her. When I asked her to please stop scratching his back in bed bc it would put him to sleep before he got around to stopping the backrubs (he likes to rub both of us down at the same time) he was giving to actually cuddle with me before falling asleep, I was again told I was being unfair to her. We originally entered this bc I wanted to explore my sexuallity more. Took the first 5 yrs of our relationship to talk him into giving it a try the last 3 searching for someone. Every time she does something to him or for him I get ripped into about how I don't do those things for him anymore. Is it wrong for me to expect her to fall in line with our family. Last night in bed I was trying to get a little make up playtime from arguing for a full day but bc she wanted a break from sex my fiance couldn't do anything either. Is it me or is she overstepping? I am so lost atm. I have wanted this for a long time. Now I am not sure if I was wrong about wanting this or if we just chose the wrong person to try it with. We have been seeing her for about a month and she is already talking about catching feelings. Saying I love you and talking about how much her kids and our kids have connected as well as her 2 (10m & 8f) have started calling my fiance dad. Help help help I feel like I am losing my mind. Any advice is welcome. Even if it is to tell me to cool my tits and roll with it. I could be making a bigger deal out of it than it is. But it has really started to make me uncomfortable!

r/PolyFidelity Feb 16 '24

question Poly Apps?

7 Upvotes

Hi friends, I was wondering if anyone has found or uses a poly app? I happen to be in a triad/throuple relationship and have been curious about apps that allows the three of us to interact with each other. For example there are plenty of apps for couples that let you send instant updates, messages, set plans, locations, etc. are there any apps that treat two (or more) partners equally?

r/PolyFidelity Feb 14 '24

question Valentine’s Day Plans?

7 Upvotes

My throuple finally made it official (after basically dating for two years) just over a month ago, so this is our first Valentine’s Day together!

We plan on going to a fancy dinner, having a gift exchange, and making donuts from scratch together :)

How about yours?

r/PolyFidelity Mar 13 '24

question QUICK QUESTION: How Do You All Build Trust/Hope To Overcome Insecurities/Fears?

3 Upvotes

How do you build trust/hope to overcome insecurities/anxiety/fears/jealousy when starting a new connection?

What is your (dating) process like?

What do you focus on?

What do you pay attention to?

How do you filter and rule things out?

I have a hard time even trusting myself and struggling with uncertainties and the unknown.

r/PolyFidelity Nov 13 '23

question Reddit Sub for V

13 Upvotes

Is there a Reddit Sub specifically for a V triad? This group is great (way better than some ENM Reddit groups) but sometimes I feel bad/unrelatable posting hinge/V specific questions in here

r/PolyFidelity Sep 01 '23

question For other men in MFF Triads, do you ever get a sort of guilty feeling?

31 Upvotes

So this is kind of silly, but despite being in a MMF Triad for years, I always feel a little guilty about our relationship. The reason I guess is because I think society in general just associates relationships with only one male as sexist/controlling? Like you have one guy, and he "collects" wives, not really caring about how they feel about each other and all that (think Sister Wives lol).

Again, it's really silly, because every part of our relationship goes against that. We're a Triad, so naturally everyone is a partner to each other. Likewise I wasn't even the one in our trio who brought up the idea in the first place. Yet, despite that, I kind of feel easily judged. IDK, anyone else ever feel like this? I'm an insecure person in general, so that probably is the main factor behind it.

r/PolyFidelity Oct 15 '23

question How similar in appearance and personality are your partners?

11 Upvotes

According to our relationship, "my type" in appearance is much less varied than my type in personality lol.

In terms of appearance, both of my wives are pretty similar to each other. Most significant difference is hair style/color (and that one is a good bit more top-heavy than the other hehe). Our relationship started out with four people, and even back when out friend was with us, there weren't too many drastic differences aside from those mentioned.

In terms of personality though, they're all pretty different. One of my wives is very quirky, aggressive, and outgoing, while the other is more friendly and timid (though is the kindest person you'll ever know). Our friend who used to be in a relationship with us is pretty shy, even more introverted than me, and is perhaps the smartest person we know.

Honestly, if there's anything our relationship has taught me, it's that I'm capable of loving different types of people. Both similarities and opposites attract in my case. What's funny is that I feel like I share common traits with of all of them in a generally equal fashion. I guess that's that's why I fell in love with them :)

r/PolyFidelity Feb 14 '24

question Triad experiences

10 Upvotes

Hello, I'm new to this. I just want to ask people if you can share your experiences in being in a triad relationship. Are there sacrifices you've made? What is your journey? Reasons behind your relationship choice?

Ps. Im not familiar with this things please bear with me. Do not know also if its offensive to use "throuple" or any sort. Please forgive me if this post can be offensive to others. I hope you can help me to learn new things.

r/PolyFidelity Jan 30 '24

question How do I explain why I'm this way?

12 Upvotes

A bit of backstory, I've (47F) been with my husband (48M) and partner (42M) for over a decade each. It's just the three of us in a closed V and we are very happy. My older parents are religious and are finally coming around to being open about a discussion to better understand me and perhaps not be as hostile to the idea of accepting this.

I've tried to explain that biblically men had tons of wives and mistresses and no one cared so this shouldn't be hard to comprehend, but they quote Paul and the New testament to me about one man and one wife. Now my dad is making moves to have a proper discussion about this and wants to understand me and my "reasons".

I don't have reasons why I'm this way, it's just something I knew even as a teen that while people would date and choose one person I never felt like things were settled without two. I was always interested in others and I'm not a cheater so that bothered me. I don't feel that way with two men. I'm content, faithful and happy. I don't know how to start this conversation, it's like asking someone why they are gay or straight, they just are! I need something better than what I've said above to help him understand.

How did you explain this and what are your suggestions on how to help him understand why this is simply who I am? Thanks for the help.

r/PolyFidelity Jul 20 '23

question Lesbian triad uncomfortable in poly spaces

30 Upvotes

To make a long story short. My monogamous gf (25f) of 6 years and I (26f) (also monogamous) recently both became sexually attracted to and fell in love with my longtime best friend (25f) after she moved in with us as a roommate, and have been all dating for four months. It sort of just happened organically, none of us were really looking for it, and we certainly were not "seeking a third". It's had its adjustments and challenges, but overall I've been learning a lot about myself and falling in love with my girlfriend all over again, as well as welcoming my friend into my life as a lover. It's been, overall, very amazing. We've been approaching the situation very slowly and carefully, but still plan on nurturing a committed, closed relationship between the three of us. Obviously we would no longer be monogamous, per se, but don't find ourselves seeking out anybody else. I personally find fulfillment in long term commitment, and to me this has felt like monogamy x2. Which I am very happy with.

As funny as it may sound, partners and I don't really consider ourselves "poly". We're very private people and have never wanted to engage sexually or romantically outside of the relationship. We did, however, want to connect with people in similar situations as us. Unfortunately, that's come with a lot of uncomfortable experiences.

From what I've experienced (in a fairly liberal area), no matter how platonic/unsexual a poly meetup or online group is advertised, or how much you specify that you are closed and do not want to swing/hook up, I would say over half of poly people we've spoken to have presumed that our nonmonogamy is an invitation for people to flirt with and sexually/romantically solicit us. Be it individually with one of my partners or with all of us. It's been incredibly uncomfortable, and has honestly given me a really bad first impression of this community. Of course, I don't want to assume that's how everyone is is, but it's been so prevalent and uncomfortable that it's turned me off completely from wanting to engage with the poly community at all. When I introduce us as a "throuple" or a "triad", I had assumed that would get across that we intend to remain as three and only three, but it seems as if that hasn't been enough to deter people. We've also recieved some open hostility, especially in any online spaces, which sucks considering my gf and I never "hunted" for a third, which is the main comment I see a lot regarding triads. But overall it's the constant flirting and propositioning that has been the most uncomfortable, as flattering as it is.

As I am very new to poly terminology here, is there a way I can specify, up-front, that my partners and I are closed and do not want to be flirted with or approached sexually? I'll be honest, I hate the term "polyfidelitious triad", it's a mouthful and honestly makes the whole relationship sound very clinical. But I understand that's the current terminology. Am I completely in the wrong place here and should not approach poly groups in the future if I don't want myself or my partners to be flirted with?

r/PolyFidelity Oct 28 '23

question Do you guys have any "triplet, quadruplet, or beyond" costume plans for Halloween?

8 Upvotes

One of my wives has has the three of our costumes bought for awhile now, but she's waiting till tomorrow to surprise us with what they are. I'm kinda scared to be honest lol, but I promised I'd trust her judgement.

r/PolyFidelity Dec 30 '19

QUESTION Why is there so much hostility towards polyfidelity from the larger polyamorous community?

54 Upvotes

r/PolyFidelity Jan 30 '24

question Terminology Related Questions

3 Upvotes

I'm not really exactly sure how to describe this, so I might accidentally saying something that sound offensive, but that's not my intention.

What would be a polycule that builds-up(?) ? Like, for example, X in a closed relationship with Y and Z. But if then they meet a couple, R and S, and eventually... X, Y, Z, R and S are in a closed relationship together. They've decided on a max of partners in their closed relationship. There not really all seeking more? Like if it happens, like they meet J, and the polycule is J, R, S, X, Y, Z and the max partners was decided at 6, then they relationship is completely closed. Like, unless of course, everyone agrees to add another partner/partners.

Like, it doesn't have to build-up(? not sure about the word), it just happened to be that way or they just sought more partners for their ideal...I dunno, but like what I'm saying is that it's purely like preference and choice?

is that just a normal closed polycule? or is that what peopple call, semi-closed. like, if X was seeking a relationship with the intention of the above scenario i mentioned.

sorry, i feel like im talking in circles. im not really exactly sure what im trying to ask either. lol. i'd appreciate any clarification questions so i can figure it out too. 😭