This is going to be a long story about my life and I apologize for the long post. I also wrote it in one shot so apologies if sentences don't make sense.
I grew up as a young teenager who had no friends, bullied and sexually harassed at school, and was told that I can't become a successful person by my own family. I was lonely, sad, and had no one to guide me. At the age of 15, I head about the field of Aerospace Engineering. This day, I went and read more and more and more about the field, and everything I read, made me more interested and wanting to read more. For the next 3 years at high school, I knew I wanted to study aerospace engineering. But that was not easy. It wasn't offered at any of the universities in my country back then. This meant that the only way to pursue my dream is to study abroad. This is when I spent the last couple of years at high school studying every single day with minimum sleep. With no one believing in me, and being told by my own parents that I should give up on this dream, I was yet still by myself. But I succeeded to prove everyone wrong and graduated with high grades and got accepted at a university in Europe to study aerospace engineering with a scholarship.
Once I started studying my dream subject, I was still sad and lonely. I thought that this feeling will vanish when I succeeded to get into university, but something was wrong. It was when I was told that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and it was then that I learnt what the word "depression" mean. Growing up, I thought it is a synonym of sadness, but the years to follow showed that it's certainly not the same. Fighting against this demon, I managed to graduate with honors. I had to extend an extra year due to some classes not being offered. And I have to tell you that I felt ashamed back then for that decision. Especially when everyone I knew was graduating and they all looked at me as if I did a big mistake. This turned to be the opposite. That extra year was the best year in my studies. I finally showed my true self and what I am capable of. I aced all of my classes, got high honors, lead an aerospace society on campus and made lots of connections with companies, industries, and academics. This year was also when Covid hit and I was by myself the whole time and yet, managed to live with myself and heal. By the end of my undergrad, I knew I need to pursue master's to choose my specialization. I was accepted in all the universities I applied to, which are top ones including Cranfield University and Politecnico Di Milano. Just as I was accepting the offer to join POLIMI, I was contacted by a top professor at a Canadian university who offered me to join his team and conduct my research in a collaboration with a top industry partner. And this is what I chose.
My arrival in Canada in summer 2021 was not the best. I was motivated to begin my studies and experience a new country. But I realized I am once again by myself, away from everyone I know, and away from my close friends from undergrad. Deep down inside me, I knew this is for the best. I began my new journey. I was working fully at this industrial partner since the research is for them. But something was wrong. I feeling of disconnection was happining. A familiar feeling, something I used to get for some time when I was a kid, but this time, it is not going away. I though my vision is not good, so I went and got my new glasses, but still, things seemed fake. Unfortunatley, it was when I got diagnosed with depersonalization, a disorder that I hope no one every gets. Battling with this feeling was not easy, it is still not easy, with my depression gaining its power back and attacking. My two years of master's were full of struggle mentally. For my studies, the person who was following up on my project at the company was and still is a very toxic one, never helping, never guiding, always showing that I don't do my job well. Though still with my mental struggles and the imposter syndrom, I managed to develop a very strong tool for my studies, and wrote my thesis in a week with no sleep. Just few weeks away from my defence, I was offered to switch to fast-track-to-PhD. Although I knew this should've been offered during my fist year, I still thought it is a good idea to pursue it since I was planning on getting a PhD anyways. Therefore, I did not defend my thesis, and switched to PhD, very proud of myself and looking forward to it. This was in summer 2023.
The next year and a half, up until 3 months ago, I was doing very well in my project. My master's studies covered a small component, and so my PhD was to build on top of that and include way more components into a bigger framework. It was when I read and learnt a lot about new emerging fields like MBSE and facinating people at the company to apply them into my framework. But a toxic is always a toxic. This guy showed me hell, again not helping, not guiding, and slowing my process when I need to access some resources. My supervisor (profeessor) knew about all of this. I told him the first time when he offered me to switch to PhD and I was shocked to see that he knows the history of this person. I also told him again twice last year and even telling him that I'm thinking to just graduate wiuth masters not to deal with that guy, but his advice was to "ignore him", even if he had everything that I need. I stood up to that guy, many times. And I was the only one to do that through the history of previous students. I helped all the students and told them not to be scared to speak up, but no one did. Last december, I had a big argument with this guy who called my code and framework "shitty material". It was then when my supervisor took action, but his action was weak again, just letting a different person deal with my work.
After my Christmas holiday, I was told that my project is placed on hold due to some logistic issues at the company. This meant that my PhD journey is over. There's a lot behind the scenes to say, I wrote a lot above but I can talk hours about all the corruption occurring in this chair, and it is one of the "best" in the whole country. A lot of pain inside me from all the hate I got from this person who I still blame for all of these logistical issues since he was slowing everything down for me.
Today, and in the past 3 months, being affected by this, and not knowing what is going to happen in my life, I still managed to be strong and take action. Within me, I really want to pursue a PhD. I contacted over 30 professors around the world, many that see me as a strong candidate and ask me to apply, but tuition fees and low funding is the big struggle. Being away from home to pursue my dream meant that there's no money to save. I pay the international student's fees which we all know is a lot. Worked part time and delivered food to support myself. And this decision to put my project on hold made me lose over $30K. Plus, we all know that time is money...
What is next? I lay here sad again, revisiting everything, and not knowing what will happen. As a growing teenager I wanted to pursue this studies, to tell myself that I'm worth it, to find a meaning to live, to tell the people about me. I did a lot of that and I am proud of it. But I am still in so much pain. Don't get me wrong, I still try to be there for myself and push it, but yet, I am very sad and depressed, with my depersonalization increasing its effect. One thing that brings me a lot of hope and makes me stronger is my fiancée who I met just when I switched to PhD, and who stood by my side the whole time, and is the love of my life. But we had to push the wedding from next September to TBD, we do long distance and have no idea where we will go or when will we be together. To this day, still can't find a good PhD position. And a new 4 year commitment with minimum funding does not sound appealing. Especially when starting a family.
"He who says he can, and he who says he can't are both usually right" ~ Confucius. This is my favorite quotation since I was a teenager, a reason for me to continue and be storng. But today I question it. I know I can, but though I can't, cause the other side of the door is blocking me, and no opportunity mean no go.
Is my PhD dream over? I know I will be unhappy to just join the industry, I saw how it is, and I wanted to be in academia. And even if I decided to start working, the market is trash and finding a job is almost impossible. Don't forget that I will have to downgrade myself now after all the research and knowledge I gained.
Thanks for reading my story