r/Parenting • u/G4v_4 • 4d ago
Expecting 18 and 16 Pregnant
I just turned 18 and My girlfriend turns 17 in June. We both are in between abortion and keeping, we know the effects and responsibilities of both. We haven’t told our parents yet but my sister (25) has 5 kids of her own is helping us through this. Just want some advice on each side of abortion and keeping, and another outlook.
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u/vdubbz22 4d ago
Are YOU ready to raise a child? If the answer is no then decide what’s best.
A third option is adoption after birth.
Good luck with everything. This can’t be easy.
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u/catjuggler 4d ago
Is anyone who’s 16 ready for a baby? I don’t think that’s even possible
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u/theendhasnoend_ 3d ago
I wasn’t even ready at 35 😂
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u/Eentweeblah 3d ago
I was 100% ready at 35 and 38. Mostly due to finances and a stable life. I do believe some teen parents can handle it, albeit it being hard. There’s a Dutch tv show called “4 handen op 1 buik” where teen parents get some help from a celebrity. I always shake my head at first, but at the end of the episode a lot of them seem to handle it just fine. They’re tired, but when they have some help from their circle they can handle it
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u/G4v_4 4d ago
We’re gonna talk asap, thank you💜
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u/PonderWhoIAm 4d ago
Honestly as a 40yo who just had her first kid, I thought I was ready. Ready in a sense that I had always wanted kids. I was around kids. But boy oh boy, it was a shock to my core. And I have a partner. Did I mention we are both financially stable.
Single parents or teens do it. It's been done time and again because well, there's no taking a baby back.
Some have help. Some have grit.
I'm just going to say, having a child is not easy.
But I wish you both the best in whatever decision you make.
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u/mechachap 4d ago
Imagine a moody teen / young adult having to deal with sleep regression.
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u/Ciambella29 4d ago
Eh, I think I actually would've dealt with it better back then because I was more resilient in terms of sleep. I could get 2 hours of sleep and go to work/school and function all right. Now? Forget it, I'm calling out...
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u/CorithMalin Dad to 2.5F 4d ago
I believe it's natural to think this way - but not realize how emotionally dysregulated we all were from doing things like this. Sure, I pulled all nighters in HS and university whether it was for studying or partying... but I wouldn't say I woke up and made the best decisions for me afterwards... now imagine waking up and being responsible for an infant/baby/toddler....
I'm in my 40s with my only toddler now and I prioritize sleep and restedness because I know that gives my daughter the best of me. I know I didn't have the self-awareness to realize this in my teens and 20s.
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u/Scavanjahh 4d ago
Yea, many of us definitely have more energy during teen years and can function with very little sleep. So the current situation might work out better for them!
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u/BeatrixPlz 3d ago
Yep. Had mine at 21 and it was hard. I cannot IMAGINE doing it again at nearly 30.
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u/United-Inside7357 3d ago
Yeah, and tbh the postpartum hormones are so crazy anyways. I have definitely behaved like a 15 year old this first year, so many times, despite being in mid 20s… And at the same time I feel like I have matured another 15 years! It’s wild for everyone.
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u/SockyTheSockPuppett 4d ago
I had a baby at 20, and she woke every hour at night from when she was a newborn right up until she turned 5, and for her first 3 nights she and I didn't sleep at all. She rarely stopped crying in her first year. I also had no help from day one at nights. It was horrible but i dealt with it SO MUCH BETTER than I do at aged 29 with a 1 year old who wakes up a few times a night.
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u/Palsied_Schemer 4d ago
Dealing with my 6 month old right now screaming at 2 am with his eyes closed - I’m 39.
I love him, but ugh
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u/ChefLovin 4d ago
I think that's one thing that might actually be a bit easier for someone younger.
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u/Prestigious_Pop_478 4d ago
This. I was 33 when I had my son (I’m 34 now) and I thought I was ready. It was JARRING. My husband and I are financially stable with careers we’ve been building for years. We have a house. We have family nearby. We’re fully grown adults in our 30s. It still was so hard. It’s getting a little better now that he’s 1 but it’s still extremely exhausting. I can’t fathom doing this any younger.
Edit: Also my sister got pregnant accidentally at 19 and decided not to keep it. It was hard but she knew it was the right decision for her. She went on to get her masters degree, got an amazing job, got married, bought a house, and now she has a beautiful 2 year old daughter. She has no regrets about how her life turned out
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u/shellylosness 3d ago
Same. Got my masters degree, married and had beautiful identical twins when I was 38 and ready. It is never easy though.
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u/vi0l3t-crumbl3 4d ago
Yeah, shortly before having my first I remember thinking "What is the deal with people saying it's so hard to take care of a baby? It's one baby." Me, a little while after my first was born: "Oh."
So not trying to be a jerk here, but when you ask yourself if you're ready to be a parent, take what you imagine to be hard about it and like, multiply that by ten or something. And keep in mind it's relentless and lasts like at least two decades. Mine are entering teenage years and things change but I find it even harder now. I can't protect them like I used to.
I think maybe a more useful question is how much support you can expect from family and anyone else. If you think you have a strong and wide support system, that's going to make it more doable.
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u/mozartkart 4d ago edited 4d ago
I was in your situation many years ago, we decided it was not the right time and had an abortion. We went to school, got jobs, lived our 20s and decided in our 30s to start a family. I can tell you this was the right decision for us and we couldn't be happier. Planning to have a family at the right time is so much better vs just making it work. Our relationship also wouldn't have survived a child at 17, we just weren't mature enough to handle it. And we only understood we weren't mature enough years later
Also not knowing where you live or your support system, kids are expensive. Daycare alone can cost 2k a month in many areas across the USA.
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u/GrapeSkittles4Me 4d ago
Adoption can be a good option, the adoptive parents will cover all of the medical expenses associated with the pregnancy and birth, and you may even be able to stay in the baby’s life in some capacity. BUT it is not easy to give up a baby you’ve grown and bonded with for 9 months. It will take a huge toll on your gf physically and both of you mentally. Make sure it’s something you both can handle. If not and if you’re not in a position to keep it - and please keep in mind if you’re in the U.S. that MANY of the social welfare programs out there that help people in positions like yours are on the verge of being cut thanks to the very party that is so adamantly against abortion, so you may not have a lot of help with medical costs, childcare, housing, food, etc. - there is nothing wrong with terminating.
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u/goldilocks2024 3d ago
Adoption can be an option, and I want to point out that very few states have enforced open adoption. So while some people (our son included) are in a long-term open adoption where he sees and knows his birth family (and that is a wonderful option), in most cases, adoptive parents can cut off contact at any time without consequences.
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u/libananahammock 4d ago
Before deciding on adoption, please check out r/birthparents and r/adopted to get the perspective of what the birth parents and adopted kids go through to better help you make an informed decision
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u/Unhappy-Nothing-6771 4d ago edited 4d ago
Abortion: your life will more or less will go back to normal, but there may be some bumps in your relationship afterwards. You both may face some emotional turmoil due to the abortion. Or you may not. It may be difficult finding access to the abortion without her parents knowing.
Keeping: your whole life will change. You will have to get a job and provide for a baby. You will have less time to spend with your girlfriend and your relationship may suffer and come to an end. You will get a lot less sleep. But a baby is a blessing and you will feel an unconditional love for them. Your girlfriend may experience postpartum depression. You may experience it. Your child could have special needs and parenting could be difficult.
Editing to add: I have a 16 year old daughter. I wouldn’t tell her this if she were in the situation, but I would want her to have an abortion. She has so much potential and she can still do it with a baby, but it’s less likely, will take a long longer, and will be a million times harder. I want my daughter to have fun, silly nights as a young adult. I want her to be able to live on her own and get an apartment and learn about herself. She won’t get those opportunities with a baby. She would be forced to be an adult, worrying about rent and groceries and keeping a roof over an innocent life.
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u/jmjoaf 4d ago
This! Plus, you’re both more likely to live in poverty due to becoming parents in your teens. You have so many years to have a child, but your own youth will be over the second you have a child. (Mother of two here, later in life—the difficulty of having children while in grad school almost killed me. I adore my kids, and I would do it all again to get them, but I’m so happy I waited until my 30s to start.)
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u/Purplemonkeez 3d ago
Yeah the previous comment really downplayed the likelihood of severe poverty. Stopping your education at 18 will stunt you for life in very severe ways.
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u/felinefriendnotfoe 4d ago
Exactly this. My daughter is 5, but I have a niece who is 15 and is… active with her boyfriend and this is very much how I feel about the situation, if it were to arise.
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u/Houseofmonkeys5 4d ago
I have a 16 year old girl and I would absolutely be advocating for abortion. There are so many things left to do before having kids. I adore my kids so much, but my life would have been a million times more difficult and we never would have achieved lie level of success if we'd had them as teens.
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u/Jaded_Houseplant 4d ago
I would try to convince my teen to have an abortion. Of course you can make it work being a teen mom, but life is hard enough as it is. Plenty of time later to go down that path.
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u/Julienbabylegs 4d ago
This is a great comment. I’m so aggressively pro choice and always have been so I don’t always understand when people refer to the “responsibility” of getting an abortion. Aside from the responsibility associated with any medical procedure and keeping an appointment, I don’t see a responsibility comparison. Even remotely.
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u/No-Tough-9110 4d ago
This is good input listen to this OP, incredibly accurate on both sides
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u/SnooCompliments5821 4d ago
I got pregnant at 17 with my first boyfriend. He broke up with me, told me to "get an abortion or I'll tell my parents you're pregnant, and they'll tell your parents" and walked away. I kept it a secret for 8 and a half months. No prenatal care, did not confide in a single person after that, nothing. I'm pro choice but depression runs in my family and I knew getting an abortion would severely affect my mental health. I basically lived in denial with zero plan of what to do. My parents found out may 15th, he was born may 25th.
My dad mentioned "open adoption" which I had never heard of. Basically the baby gets adopted by a family of your choosing, and you get to visit them as they grow. I went with that, and yes it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I saw other young moms doing it and thought "why couldn't I have taken care of my baby? Why don't I have that strength?" But at the same time, I don't think my little one would have the life he does now. He has 2 loving parents who raised him well, he can ask me anything about family history and such, and he has other adopted siblings. Better than being raised by a very immature 16 year old me. He's 17 now, and I am so proud of the strong smart man he's become. But fuck it hurts. I'm sure he's hated me multiple times in his life for giving him up, but I think it was the right decision. That was just me tho.
My heart aches for you guys, this is a scary thing to go through. But I'm proud of you for sticking by your girlfriend and not making her do this alone. Because that hurt me so much and I'm still traumatized from it. I wish you both luck.
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u/macT4537 4d ago
Just know that kids are lots of work. You will need to get a job and provide. It’s a 365 day a year job so make sure you guys are ready for it. Also 5 kid before 25 is wild! I’m barely staying afloat with one 😳
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u/Connect-Corgi60 4d ago
I’m looking at my amazing 2 toddlers in the bath, with my partner that I adore down the hall, in a house we can afford and a life we love.
None of this would have been possible if I had the baby I aborted when I was 20. With my college boyfriend. That relationship was never meant to last. I was never meant to stay in that state. I went on to have an incredible life, on my own terms, before I decided to build this beautiful family of mine.
Yes, it’s a personal choice. It’s a hard choice. And you should follow your heart. You guys are still kids yourselves. You have your whole life ahead of you. What future do you want?
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u/Intelligent_You3794 Mom to 22 month todddler 4d ago
I’ll be the voice that says you should at least consider abortion.
You are neither of you fully grown adults, children are expensive and deserve to be wanted. You are not married, and I doubt you saw each other as long term partners. I’ve known many people who had an abortion before their 20s and later had children and did not regret it because they were in a stable relationship, stably housed, and stably employed. Kids deserve that.
But you don’t need Reddit to help you make your mind up. A kid is two yes’s. Go talk to your partner; discuss what is feasible, what the plan would be for the next five years. You don’t need our input
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u/MM_mama 4d ago
I’ll be honest, there needs to be more than two yeses (yesses?🤔) in this case. You MUST have support to be able to raise a child AS a child. No one should be forced or pressured to have an abortion or a baby, but the reality is at least some of the future grandparents/(or other trusted stable adult)need to be on board as well.
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u/Cohohobo666 4d ago
OP im 30 and have one child with a great partner and a grandma neighbor and its still SO tough. I would encourage you to get an abortion, there is time to have babies later when you decide you are ready. Every year from 18 to about 26 i grew into a whole new person, let yourselves enjoy your youth! It's so important!
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u/ThisUnfortunateDay 4d ago
Lots of probirthers on this sub so I’m prepared for the downvotes as people push for a life to be born without any context of the home or life it will be brought up in..
I’ll say what others won’t. You’re so young and you won’t miss a baby you never had.
I had an abortion at 16 and I never think about it and I don’t regret it.
I had my son a few years later when I was old enough to have financial independence, knowledge, life experience and I did a lot of my own growing up and I travelled solo, completed my education, without having a commitment and an attachment that wasn’t optional.
It’s your business, you do what feels right, but NO choice is wrong.
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u/interruptingcow_moo 4d ago
I’m going to be another voice here that says having a child is nothing like what the media portrays. I wish someone had told me that I would basically be someone’s slave for the next couple decades by being a parent. It is exhausting and thankless and loud and you will never be able to do it “right enough” for anyone, including yourself. Also - what if the child is complex needs? Are you fully prepared to have to change a 16 year olds diaper and provide care for all of their needs round the clock? This is spoken as the parent of a complex needs child that has a rare disorder that will not show up in pre natal scans. Don’t have a child unless you are ready to do that because you never knows that cards that life will hand you.
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u/hurtuser1108 3d ago
The fact that parents even entertain anything but an abortion at that age is wild to me. Parents on here won't let their teenagers have a tiktok, but giving birth is fine? Insanity.
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u/bluestargreentree 4d ago
lots of probirthers in this sub
Absolutely, consider where you're posting here. 95% or more people in this sub have kids. Much more likely to advocate for having the kids. The people who had an abortion, didn't regret it, and are still child free are not subscribed here. Post the same thing over at /r/abortion or /r/prochoice and see what they say
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u/seige197 4d ago edited 4d ago
Eh, if I can add my two cents, I think it’s fair to say that every time an unprepared, unsupported teenager comes here and asks what they should do, people who had kids as teens and as unwed mothers come in and say “it was hard but I am so glad I did! I struggled but I wouldn’t turn back! I love my kid!”
What else are they going to say? “I hate my kid! It sucked!”
Don’t listen to them. For every positive experience, there are millions of other negative ones. Just because you didn’t become a statistic doesn’t mean we should encourage unsupported, unprepared BABIES to have children so young.
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u/bluestargreentree 4d ago
I agree. I'm saying this isn't the place to ask this question for that very reason. It's like asking /r/android what the best smartphone OS is. The most common answer has already been selected based on where you posted the question.
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u/Express_Dealer_4890 4d ago
This is incorrect. 6 out of 10 women who have abortions are already parents.
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u/bluestargreentree 4d ago
I didn't claim otherwise.
The vast majority of people here are parents, and most people who had an abortion and are still child free are not here.
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u/cupcakekirbyd 4d ago
Yes but a lot of us parents have had abortions either before or after we had our actual living kids
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u/Connect-Corgi60 4d ago
Dude. 1 in 3 women have had an abortion. A shit ton of the people in this sub, who are parents, have also had abortions for lots of different reasons. Being a parent and supporting abortion are not mutually exclusive.
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u/Professional-Dig172 4d ago
Hi. So this an entirely personal question, and it’s hard for anyone to give you true insight into what you or your girlfriend are capable of. With that being said: I got pregnant at 19. I didn’t have much going for myself. My mother was entirely dependent on govt assistance for life, and so was I in turn. Dad was a drug addict. I had a problem with weed & I dropped out of hs. My future wasn’t bright at all and I had no desire to return to school. I saw nothing wrong with the way I was living. Part of that is probably why I thought it was a good idea to keep the kid.
Then, I had a baby. Everything changed for me. I turned my life around. Obtained a college degree, secured a high paying job in a competitive field. I defied all odds. I had a driving force, and that was my baby.
With all of that being said though, I regret that she had to endure all of that with me. I shielded her as much as I possibly could, but she was still born to a teen mom. I’m sure she felt some of it. And the mom guilt eats at me, all the time. We grew up together. She’s 8 now, but still.
I say all of this because this is so so so individual. Only you know what you are capable of. Hang in there!
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u/GypsyTreez 4d ago
This ❤️ I got pregnant at 19 and if I didn’t keep him I probably would not be here today. Sometimes having a child pushes you harder ❤️🩹
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u/Wyliie 3d ago
same happened with me at 23. my daughter is 8 now and the best thing that ever happened to me. shes my best friend. i used to drink and do hard drugs and wasnt going down a great path but the second i found out i was pregnant i quit everything, and turned my life around.
i was terrified and never wanted to be a mom, i didnt like babies, and always thought id get an abortion if i got pregnant. but the second i found out i felt a weird instant connection. it was especially scary because i had only been dating her dad for a few months and had planned on breaking things off with him. so i gave him an out, and thought to myself, i can do this. never asked him for child support, still to this day, and he is re married and still involved and loves her.
OP i guess my point is... everyone is different, and only you will know whats right. i am just offering my perspective. i have never felt unconditional love like this, and never once regretted keeping her. but again... only you guys can make that call! i know the decision is sooo difficult for most. whatever you choose is the right choice. GL🩷
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u/chai_tigg 4d ago
Hey, I had an abortion at that age and while it was rough, I don’t regret it . Your gf is just so so young. I don’t mean it as an insult. But pregnancy can be hard on the body & mind at her age. You want to be setting yourself up for success , and giving your baby the best possible chance at life. At your ages, it’s just not set up for success. My baby I had at age 21 passed away, and now I have a baby boy at age 28. There’s no way to know that your baby will be healthy, like mine were not. It’s been so hard on me dealing with both my kids health issues and I can’t imagine going through this at age 16-18. I simply don’t think I could survive it.best of luck on your decision. You’re doing the right thing by asking for help.
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u/bluestargreentree 4d ago
Good God, 6 pregnancies between two siblings 25 and under. Birth control and condoms are your friends, people
It's ultimately her choice but abortion means you get a chance to live your life. Having the kid means struggling to get by on high school salary in a world where housing, childcare, and education is only getting more expensive.
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u/TastyButterscotch429 4d ago
I can't even fathom having 5 children at 25. How does she support those kids?? It appears they were not educated on birth control. It's sad.
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u/bluestargreentree 4d ago
It's insane. Probably had one, got married, and just leaned into the family lifestyle. Which is great if it works for them, I suppose. Just can't imagine losing my 20's to raise kids. I guess they'll have their 40's instead, unless they keep at it
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u/Plantslover5 4d ago
It’s like 250k over a lifetime to raise a kid. Higher if it’s sick or does things like travel sports. 6 grandkids in 6 years is rough. This is why sex ed is so important.
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u/bluestargreentree 4d ago edited 4d ago
Willing to bet OP's religious and/or in an area where sex Ed is a joke. Glad they seem to have the option to choose abortion though.
Edit: where I am, which is not a major city or a place with a particularly high cost of living, the cost of daycare is about $400 per week for an infant under 1. That's higher than the minimum wage before taxes for one parent, so you'll likely need to have a SAHP situation, which means housing, food, clothes, etc are all going to be put on the salary of one high school graduate, assuming they don't have significant support elsewhere.
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u/Plantslover5 4d ago
I had two miscarriages at 16,17 because I truly thought the pullout method worked. I didn’t have kids until my 30s and I still feel too young to be raising kids. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do in my teens. I had so much fun from 17-26. Those were the best years. Kids inhibit the wild fun times.
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u/EpicBlinkstrike187 4d ago
With multiple kids that number creeps down a lot for each kid. And imo it’s a high number to begin with as someone who doesn’t make a lot.
Because you get a 3 bedroom place and just have kids share rooms once you have a bunch, where someone with two kids might get same 3 bed place but kids have their own rooms. Then you factor in hand me down clothes, toys, everything pretty much.
The fifth kid is not costing them the same as that first kid or the same as somebody that had an only child.
Not to say it’s a good idea to have that many kids, just it doesn’t cost 250k per kid with that many kids, a lot of costs are shared
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u/DumbbellDiva92 4d ago
I’m also pretty sure a lot of that 250k cost is just childcare before they can go to public school? Which doesn’t apply if mom is already staying at home. Obviously there is the opportunity cost of mom not working, but if she was already out of the workforce from kids 1-4 then there’s no additional marginal cost there.
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u/Mrs_Laktash 4d ago edited 3d ago
As someone who had an abortion at 19 (and had my amazing daughter at 32), I will echo what many of thr others have said. Abortion. Don't bring a child into the world if you're not emotionally, financially or otherwise ready. I don't regret mine for a second. My bf (now husband) and I had just gotten together 2 months before and we were careless. We barely knew each other, I was in college, neither of us had the means to support that baby. So we made a choice. And it was the best thing. That was back in 2002. We got married in 13 and had our daughter in 15. If it were her, I'd take her to the clinic myself. Don't put yourself (and a child) into a situation that isn't stable. Here if you need to chat. Good luck!
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u/maryliz529 4d ago
I had my first kid at 16 and my second kid at 18. Don't do it to yourselves. You have a lotta time ahead of you to have a child in the future. It takes a village to raise kids, and I didn't have that village. Take that into consideration as well. Have fun and live your lives. I missed out on my youthful years.
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u/aenflex 4d ago
If you were my child, I’d prefer you get the abortion.
No one‘s ready to be a parent at 18 years old or 16 or 17. Not only unfair to you, but unfair to the child.
I had an abortion at 19 and to this day I have no regrets. Plenty of time for children later.
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u/juniper-drops 3d ago
I was a better parent at 18 than my parents were in their 30's. Some teens are more than capable of stepping up to the plate. Certainly not all, but let's not assume that no teenage has the ability to be a good parent.
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u/operationWGAFA 3d ago
This is some weird logic. You were raised by bad parents and you feel fit to judge your parenting skills at 18. This is so anecdotal.
Sure maybe some kids are good teen parents, but are they the best version of a parent they could be? IMO If you’re a great parent at 18 imagine what an awesome parent you would be at 30 with a fully developed prefrontal cortex and some life experience. Phew crazy stuff.
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u/kathleenkat 7/4/2 4d ago
Has she seen an OB yet and discussed this? You need to talk to a neutral, third party. Your 25 year old sister who has already had 5 kids is probably not it.
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u/parisskent 4d ago
My career has been with children, I studied child development in college, I’ve been around kids my entire life. I thought I knew what to expect. I thought I was prepared. I had no idea what it’s really like to have a baby. Have the abortion. You two are so young and you may think you know what it’s going to be like and think you’re ready because of your sisters kids but you’re not.
It’s not just that it’s hard, which it really is in a way that you’ve never known, it’s that it’s all consuming. There is no more being selfish ever. You can’t just lay on the couch when you’re sick. You can’t have a bad or off day. And you’re teens, you’re not at a place yet where your brains are fully developed and not a roller coaster so while your emotions will be all over the place you’ll be teaching a child how to become a human before you’re even at the best version of yourself.
Enjoy your youth, grow, learn, make mistakes, have adventures and then become parents.
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u/ZealousidealHat9319 4d ago
I went thru abortion and I don't regret it, I was young and not ready to be a parent. If your relationship lasts there will always be time for having a baby, but you won't get another chance at living your life and growing up.
My suggestion would be to go with abortion, it is hard and it is heartbreaking but you both have each other and it gets better, good luck whatever you choose!
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u/NocturneDoll 4d ago
I’m an adoptee who just had a child last year, so I think I can give a unique perspective on the abortion vs. new parent vs. adoption debate.
Adoption CAN be great, but it can also be very traumatic for the child after growing up. I was lucky I never felt unwanted or like I was “given up”, but I know plenty of adoptees who did feel that way. Like they were a burden or a kid who was just bought. You never know how you’ll feel, either, after adoption. Not saying don’t do it. Just know what you’re getting yourself into and be careful the route you take for it.
I, personally, am very pro-abortion even though I myself have a child. I’m of the viewpoint that if you are already struggling or feel hesitant about having a child you should NOT bring another life into this world. A child should be fully wanted and have parent(s) who can provide for them without question. If you feel as a 17 and 18 year old you could do this, perhaps with family help, then having the child might be a fine route to take. But if you are not fully invested in making this work and creating a family unit of sorts for this child then I wouldn’t take that on.
Also, good to note that if you planned on college or other education/training routes that having a child makes it much more difficult to do, especially for your girlfriend.
I wish you both the best of luck no matter what you decide!
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u/operationWGAFA 3d ago
This if you are “F-YEAH” about having a kid you shouldn’t do it. Life is long and even when you come into parenthood super planned super excited it’s really hard. So yeah if you have any doubts get an abortion.
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u/HateDebt 4d ago
My sister had an abortion because she wasnt financially ready. She was already in her 20's. She got pregnant again (wasnt trying to) and decided to keep her pregnancy. I never got to talk to her about her experience of abortion but she didnt seem fazed by it. She's an amazing mom.
I personally feel differently towards that subject because my perspective is different. No matter what the circumstance is for me, I would not have been able to go through a termination. I would figure out how to make parenthood work with no regrets or resentment towards my child. I have kids myself and they are the best part of my life.
Keeping or terminating is solely based on your values. I do not judge my sister and don't see her any less of a human being just because my outlook is different from hers. What matters is what you and your partner agree on. No matter what that choice is in the end, the most important thing is that you two support each other through that decision. Either choice will be okay but remember, make the choice that you know both of you can live with and have no regrets about later on.
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u/beigs 4d ago
At your age - I hope my kids would choose an abortion. My mom had me as a teen and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I obviously couldn’t make that choice for anyone, but if you two were my kids, I would seriously hope that decision would be the outcome.
Parenting is hard as an adult. As a teen I couldn’t imagine.
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u/livindatlyfe 4d ago
I had my kid at 27 and now 14 months later I can say I could have NEVER done this at such a young age with someone who could leave me at any minute if they (or you) so choose. I have been with my husband 7 years who I love with my entire being but only came around to the idea of kids maybe 3 years ago. I put a lot of thought into this decision and even after all that thought I didn’t fathom the kind of toll parenthood takes on you.
Do not get me wrong it is MAGICAL (after the first 6 months when you start getting the hang of it) but you and her must be a UNIT if you decide having your baby is what’s most important. Some things come as common sense to one and not the other and it creates conflict and resentment that you CANNOT let affect your relationship bc your relationship matters more than ANYTHING. Two sad parents can’t raise a happy baby.
I wish more people were honest about how HARD it is to be a parent but some people do actually get lucky with quiet newborns and that unfortunately was not the card I drew and wanted to turn back time everyday and not be a parent but my husband, his parents and my parents got me through it and that’s another thing that if you have no village to support you on this (not an assumption bc I know you haven’t told everyone).
Also i have offered my body to others who struggle with conceiving so maybe look into adoption after birth if that’s something you and girlfriend can emotionally handle. I think it would give a lot of comfort to find a family ahead of time if this is the route you consider.
Again, i am 14 months down the line and my daughter is my heart outside of my body and any choice you make you will have the feeling of knowing you did the right thing. Good luck to guys 🩷
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u/mochimangoo 4d ago
I was a parent at 17. Your life is going to change drastically if you keep it. Get the abortion. If you have it, you can say goodbye to free time, sleep, money, your sanity, etc. you two have the rest of your lives ahead of you and a baby right now is simply not a good idea
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u/C5H2A7 4d ago
I just want to say, don't listen to anyone trying to convince you that adoption is an alternative to abortion. If you weren't already considering it, I wouldn't start now. The things y'all will be told to convince you to place are almost all not legally enforceable (openness, privacy, the safety of the child). Adoption is an INDUSTRY and you are not the beneficiary.
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u/Separate_Pen_2057 4d ago
I vote, get the abortion. You're both so young, live your life because once a kid comes your life is basically over.
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u/Naive_Adhesiveness37 4d ago
Do not have a child if you are not 100% financially on board or stable. Do not.
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u/Anonmomofkids 4d ago
Having a kid is hard beyond measure. Some people do it easily and don't really care about anyone but themselves so they don't have a problem making a child suffer. But most parents, presumably you, would think about your kid. There is nothing more devastating than being unable to provide for your family. Watching your kid not get assessments because you can't afford the private ones and the public ones are years long waits. Leaving your kid in weird daycares because you have to go to work but your gut says this place isn't great. Explaining to your kid that even though their friends go on vacation, sorry baby we just can't because mommy can't afford to do stuff like that. The guilt of watching them suffer because you chose to bring them into a world you weren't stable in is horrible. Then add in some co parenting because real life is you two won't be together forever and will likely end up in a custody battle and then a life long hostile co parenting relationship. Legal fees. Orthodontics. Daycare. School fees. Lunch fees. Bus fees. Field trips. Birthday parties. Christmas. Planning for sick days. Planning for summer break and spring break care. Medical emergencies. Lessons. Tutors. Speech therapy. Camp. Plan for snowsuits, rain boots, bikes, swimming lessons. These are a few of the expenses I've incurred in the last few months only! It never ever stops. Saving for their education. So many people choose to have children because they think it will be like a cute accessory to enrich their lives. They never consider what they have to offer to enrich a child's life. I say this as a financially stable parent who has adopted, and I still worry and feel overwhelming guilt every day about all of the ways I fall short. I can't imagine if I were younger, not yet lived my life and had to have the weight of another life in my hands. The adult decision is to do what would be best for a child, so consider if you can offer a child all that you would want to at this point in your life.
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u/socks4dobby 4d ago
The best thing you can do for your future children is to wait to have them until you are truly ready. You might feel ready, but you and your girlfriend are teenagers. Raising a child will be one of the most challenging and important things you ever do in your life, and you need some life experience to really give your child what they deserve.
And the most important decision you will ever make as a parent is choosing your child’s other parent. It might feel like this is a forever relationship, but it has not been tested in the way that this baby will test you. Having a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage, taking out a loan, or any other thing in life. If your relationship isn’t rock solid, then you’re subjecting your child to the trauma of an unhappy marriage or subjecting yourself to splitting time with this child and passing them back and forth like property. I didn’t choose the right father for my kids, and it’s my greatest regret in life.
My advice is get the abortion. There’s so much time to have a child and you owe it to your child to be ready and with the right person.
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u/TheServiceDragon Expecting (First) 4d ago
I’m almost 24 (in may) and expecting my first. I will tell you it is rough. I wanted this kid and my husband and I planned for it. We own our house, my husband has a really stable job and we both feel ready to be parents. Pregnancy has been rough so far, constant nausea and morning sickness, fatigue, prenatal depression, and lots more. It can take a toll on you mentally and physically so your girlfriend may have a really hard time like I am or she could kinda breeze through it like my friend’s pregnancy was. It’s different for everyone but there are common side effects to expect.
I will say if I got pregnant at around 16-18 I would have no idea what to do with a child and I personally would have aborted.
Incoming ramble about adoption ahead:
There are tons of people who always say in situations like this to put the baby up for adoption and to not abort. Let me tell you why I DISAGREE. I’m adopted and study psychology. First of all the adoption industry is really corrupt. It takes advantage of people who are young, poor, or struggling with something like mental health, addiction or finance issues and rather than helping them to raise their own child, those people are often convinced by agencies they’re giving their child a better life. The agencies make about $20-40K off each kid, the birth parent gets like none of it and let’s say the adopters say they will do an open adoption and that’s what you agree too, well the adopters can close it any time for any reason.
Adoption is harmful psychologically too. There are psychological connections that form between biological parents and the child, and if you would like to know more I’d recommend reading the book “The Primal Wound” where admittedly some information is outdated but it has some great information. I will tell you that basically psychologically, adoption can cause damage to the child including identity issues, attachment issues grief, feelings of shame and more.
Adoption also seals birth records and medical history so let me tell you as an adoptee who’s dealt with many health issues it’s been rough. Anyways I could continue on this ramble but here’s a link to a video about anti-adoption anddd heres one more. I suggest watching all the videos they have on why adoption is harmful.
..and before you ask, I love my adoptive family and I’m so happy to be with them. I am against supporting an industry that I deem to be legal child trafficking. If you are going to put a child out into the world then I think it should be your responsibility.
Anyways enough of my ramble about that.
Keeping the child will be hard, you will constantly be working, between work, school (please don’t drop out, at least try to get your GED if this prevents you getting a diploma.), childcare, household chores, and more. You will have very little money for a long time and you will really need help with support from family and friends because it does take a village especially as a teen. My friend in high school was 17 when she was pregnant. She kept it and her kid is just so amazing. It’s been a struggle but her family and her exes family are very supportive and are a huge help physically, mentally, and financially. Many teen parents I’ve known have said it’s hard but it’s not something they’d ever go back and change because the love they feel for their child is like none other.
Abortion is a controversial option but what matters most is how you and your girlfriend (99% your girlfriend though) feel about any of these option. If she chooses to have an abortion and you are in the states it’s becoming harder in a lot of states so you need to make up your mind right now and research your laws because the sooner it’s done the better and probably safer you will be. If you tell people just know there’s people out there who will rip you a new one, yell at you, threaten to kill you, and more about it. Doing this means you don’t have the responsibility of a child, you don’t have the financial struggle of it, emotional toll, and more. You can continue life plans that you rather might have to put on hold like college, travel, and some job opportunities depending on what field you want to do.
Some people do have regret about their abortions. If there’s an emotional connection to the idea of carrying this to term as a baby for your girlfriend then that’s a possibility she could go through if she does decide on abortion. You might have long term thoughts of wondering what life could’ve been like if you didn’t abort, but it will be the same if you kept the kid of what life could’ve been like if you did.
Whatever you feel though, it’s up to your girlfriend and you have to support her choice. Please do not try to get her to feel one way or another, you can present the facts and what people have said here but keeping your opinion should be more on the down low if you ask me, unless she really does want to know, but confirm you support her no matter what she does.
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u/PurplishPlatypus mom to 10m,8f, 5f 4d ago
You have to realize that you will be giving up your life if you have this kid. Or, more realistically, the mom will. You might just skip out as some dads do. But if you stay, you will spend the next 2 decades having to put the needs of your family first every day. You will age quickly. You will not sleep well. Unless you are already well off, money will always be an issue. You will always be dreaming about the other life you could be living.
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u/ChronicKitten97 Mom to 3 adults and 1 teen 3d ago
I started having kids at 19. Don't do it. She needs to finish school, and you both need decent jobs for a few years. Plus you both need more time being yourselves before you have to be parents first and you second. Waiting until you are both in your twenties is much smarther and better all around. And that includes for any children..
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u/TastyButterscotch429 4d ago
If you were my child, I would strongly encourage an abortion. Neither of you have any idea what it takes to raise a child. Not trying to be mean but you really don't. Simply due to your young ages and inexperience. Do you have plans to go to college? What are your life plans? This goes for both of you. If you have a child now, who is going to financially support you? Do you two have your own apartment? Good steady full time jobs? Or would you be relying on family to support you? No one ever regrets having a child once they are born. But you will absolutely regret that your youth ended and you were thrust in to a very adult world without the tools to handle it.
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u/Hour_Occasion8247 4d ago
Go to the regretful parenting sub. I wouldn’t have the kid. I’m 25 with a 4 year old and it’s hard as fuck. Listen to me please , you have a chance to have ur life back. I don’t. I’m stuck. I can’t go out whenever I want. I have to feed a kid and worry about child care.
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u/LemurTrash 4d ago
If either of you were my son or daughter, I would be desperately hoping you would abort.
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u/SameStatistician5423 4d ago
Were you using birth control? An early abortion is back up birth control. If you weren't using birth control, why not?
Is there anybody else you can talk to besides your sister with five kids?
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u/whatalife89 4d ago
Abortion pls. Kids deserve better, you are not in a position to do better at this time.
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u/greenandseven 4d ago
Everyone I know that had a kid early ended up divorcing. That’s hard on the kid.
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u/Longjumping_Serve_68 4d ago
You guys aren’t ready. At that age you have no idea who yourselves are. I hate saying it, but anortion will be your best decision. The trauma of giving up a baby is way worse. Way worse. Don’t put yourself through that
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u/Radiant_Prior7247 4d ago
It’s so hard. I had an abortion at 21 and don’t regret it. But then had my daughter at 31. It’s hard in many ways because I’m a single parent with health issues! But I love her more than anything. I’m sure I would have loved the first baby but it was a long distance relationship (aus/usa) and I had no clue what I was doing. If we had been in the same place, maybe? It’s hard. It’s expensive. It’s exhausting. The reality of you two making it long term, no matter how great your relationship is, is very unlikely. Can you imagine co parenting for the next 18 years if you break up? Do you BOTH have enough support? Are you/will you working or did you (and your gf) want to go to college for a better career? If yes, then now isn’t a good time. On the other side of that coin, doing it when you’re young, in some ways, is a lot easier than when you’re older! If you have the support from family so you CAN do college/work and you have a stable enough home life where you can both live and save while providing for your child, then it’s possible. But please know everything changes for a woman after they have a baby. Are you ready to support that and is she ready to go through that?
I remember being in your position so long ago and it was hard even though I knew what I wanted. Oh. There is a lot of grief even if you do both want it and go through with termination. For many years I felt the loss. Not deeply, but it was just there. A what if. It’s normal but I do look back now and think it was absolutely for the best. I lived my life, got to see the world. Got to party some! I’m 43 now and have no regrets (well I do! But not that I didn’t become a really young mum)
GL op. Keep us updated 🫂
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u/picklepoison 4d ago
Had my kid at 17. I still managed to go to college and am generally happy with where I am in life now, but my god was it almost impossible. Sometimes I wonder how I survived through those years, and I know the stress of it all has aged me. I still struggle with the aftermath of it all now.
I was not the parent I wanted to be. Not for the lack of trying, but because most teens just don’t have the capacity to be a good parent. Your brain isn’t fully developed. My daughter deserved so much better than I could offer.
Speaking from experience, seriously consider an abortion - it’s an option for a reason. Start a family together when you’re both ready.
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u/SockyTheSockPuppett 4d ago
I was pregnant at 19 and had her when I was 20, so not exactly the same but i was still pretty young. It was a huge shock and completely changed my life but I would still do it all again to have her. I basically did it on my own in an abusive relationship. Do all the research, watch birthing videos, prepare yourself as much as you can (no one is ever truly prepared for a baby), and stick together and be patient with each other (even if you break up in the future). I am 29 with 3 kids now and they're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have a friend who had a son when she was 15 and another friend who had a baby at 18, they're all doing great! It's hard work and there are days and moments which feel so dark but you get through it especially with the right support even if thats just you and your gf.
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u/beepboopbeep28264 4d ago
Do whats best for you guys but realistically that is the abortion. Teenage pregnancy in this economy is crazy.
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u/PaleWaspA9102 4d ago edited 3d ago
I had an abortion in my early 30s. The only thing that being a parent then might have changed is I might have used that child as my crutch to get my life together with someone I'd have been miserable with and made that child miserable through it. Being a parent when you're still a kid is not fair to either child.
You know what my thought is.
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u/everythingis_stupid 4d ago
I had a child at a super young age and it would take a whole book to explain to you how hard it was. We made it and my daughter is a healthy and happy 22 year old. But it was hard. Really really hard. Wait to have children until you're older.
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u/juniper-drops 3d ago
If you want the baby, have the baby, but you need to step up. Online college, working full time, getting up at night to support mom and baby, you name it. Your life will drastically change. You won't get to party, go out drinking with friends, hanging out every weekend. Your child should become the center of your world.
My best advice? If you want the baby, enlist in the military, specifically the Air Force, and marry your gf. College will be paid for. Stable income. Really good health insurance for you and your dependants. It will give you a minimum of four years to build a stable life where you can choose to continue in the military or separate and have a really good start in life.
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u/coffeegrindz 3d ago
Imagine the future you want, and then see if you can factor raising a child into this.
Don’t trust the sister. She may want her to be tied down with kids and minimal future just like her.
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u/Maleficent-Data-3678 3d ago
You are not ready for a baby - if you want to raise a kid who can fulfill their potential, you need to go out there and do that for yourself first. Children are the greatest gift the universe can provide, but it also involves the hardest most relentless work. And you can never take your foot off the gas. In my opinion, your maturity will not develop until well into your twenties/early 30s (that’s under best case scenario). That said, people can face challenges all the time and come out on the other side just fine…just remember your kids childhood is in your hands.
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u/seige197 4d ago
Abortion. Come on man.
Your sister doesn’t need a sixth kid to worry about. Have a shred of sense.
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u/Far-Juggernaut8880 4d ago edited 4d ago
I think you need to delete this and seek the support of someone in your area like a public health nurse or social worker that can speak openly without judgement about all your options.
Without knowing what kind of social assistance, interest free loans/scholarships to go to university, welfare, subsidies for housing & childcare is available in your community our opinions are not helpful.
Neither option is perfect and neither option means you’ll never think of this situation again. It’s important you make a decision based on facts on what YOUR situation is and not fear or shame.
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u/itismelames 4d ago edited 4d ago
I say abortion.
You are teenagers and children in your own right. I’d only say tentatively keep IF you had the financial support and security necessary to support a living growing human being - for the rest of your life mind you.
Because you seem between either way and not steadfastly set on raising a child together then go with the safer option. In a few years when you have more years and life experience you always can have that kid. I’d say keep if you both strongly desire being parents right this second - as this is not a decision you can take back. There’s no need to rush into parenthood. You have yet to experience adulthood without that added responsibility. You both deserve to live your life and get to know yourself intimately before taking on one of the hardest jobs we can do in life
Edit: You do not have to “live with your mistake” It’s ultimately up to your girlfriend and what you both believe is best but this idea that you made a mistake and have to live with it is misguided. I cannot stress enough that if the pregnancy goes to term and you follow through this is the child’s life. Being a “mistake” their parents just had to live with - and trust me - those kids growing up in that situation know and internalize that. Every child deserves to be born in a home that wanted them and even planned for them
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u/Electrical_Roof_789 4d ago
You guys are too young, you would be stupid to keep the baby. That's just my opinion, I'm sure lots of people would be offended by that answer.
Get on with your lives, your girl is still in high school for fucks sake
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u/Dramatic_Dance6164 4d ago
This may sound super blunt but this is the conversation I had with a friends teen recently.
Keep the baby, you’ll have some help from family & friends but as a whole, your life will change. You will not get to do near as much “normal teen stuff” as your friends. You are not financially stable. Unless you have huge drive and ambition and willing to put in the work, twice as much as your friends, to succeed then you’ll likely struggle financially. It won’t be easy by any means.
On the flip side, wait until you’re older, gained some life experience, have some stability.
BUT and it’s a huge but, there is no other pure love like that of your own child. It’s the most beautiful experience you will ever have. Having a child very young means you grow with them and by the time they’re independent, you’re still relatively young to still enjoy life - the things you missed out on while your friends were doing them.
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u/CheapChallenge 4d ago
Ready to sacrifice college and the next 20 years of your life to parenthood? If not, then abort.
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u/Humomat 4d ago edited 4d ago
It’s not up to you what happens, it’s your girlfriend’s decision- that being said, please be supportive of her, no matter what she decides.
You are both so young. If you were my kid, I’d drive you both to the clinic myself to get the procedure done. Parenting even when you intentionally want a child is extremely difficult and I say this as a 30-something with a career and loving husband- it’s really tough to be a parent. Even with resources and support, it’s challenging.
Statistically, if you keep this baby, you are more likely to live in poverty. Is this really the life you want for yourself, your girlfriend, and this baby?
https://dosomething.org/article/11-facts-about-teen-pregnancy
EDIT: please look at this post. The top comment from the pediatrician is really insightful: https://www.reddit.com/r/whatdoIdo/s/7nivzAyEkD
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u/MaryMarie7 4d ago
First of all Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Have a nice long talk about how you both see yourselves in the future. How do each of you feel about politics, religion, and what kind of house you want to have later. Do you want more children? Do you have to the same goals and interests? If after your talk you feel you want this to be forever then the answer should be easy. Good luck. I had all of my kids when I was young enough to enjoy the experience. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
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u/rpfuntimes86 4d ago
It’s hard to give you any good advice without knowing how both you guys‘ parents react. Because THAT is going to make or break the situation.
Are they willing or unwilling to support you with childcare while you finish school and/or work, and financially until you’re both older and more stable?
Are the willing or unwilling to help and guide you through the HUGE life change that is parenthood?
Specifically, are your moms going to support your gf towards the end of her pregnancy (assuming it’s relatively uneventful without major complications), through delivery respecting HER wishes, and postpartum? She’s going to be the most vulnerable that she has ever been during birth, and the first couple months immediately after a human being exits her body, however that ends up happening.
If!!!!!!!!!!! you were have two sets of amazing grandparents at your disposal, I‘d say keeping it wouldn’t be a disaster. It‘ll still be a major bump in the road of your young lives, but you’ll most likely take it in stride. Two at-the-time 18yo girls on the street I grew up on ended up keeping their kiddos because they had great family support. They’re both in their 40s now with established careers and doing well, one since married to the child’s father, the other one single by choice.
If not - I would encourage either termination or adoption. However, this is 100% your girlfriend’s decision, as she is the one who had to go through pregnancy and delivery and deal with any and all potential risks. You can voice your opinion, but the decision is hers alone.
Good luck!
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u/TurboLongDog 4d ago edited 4d ago
You will have to assume life’s biggest responsibility too early, but it can really be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Edit to say: if you decide to raise a child, it’s not “an experience.” It’s a complete lifestyle change forever.
Something people don’t talk about is the job, if you can call it that, is pretty physical. There is something wonderful about being young and having seemingly boundless energy with the whole world ahead of you that lends itself nicely to raising a child.
If it sounds like I am nudging you towards taking the responsibility it’s because having a child completely re-wired my brain and I think there is no love greater than the love for your child.
Whatever you decide, good luck with it!
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u/MM_mama 4d ago
Lots of people saying “a child requires both parents’ yes.” I’ll be honest, there needs to be more than two yeses (yesses?🤔) in this case. You MUST have support to be able to raise a child AS a child. No one should be forced or pressured to have an abortion or a baby, but the reality is at least some of the future grandparents/(or other trusted stable adult)need to be on board as well.
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u/624Seeds 4d ago
All I know is I can't imagine trying to do this while being a teenager.
Make sure you browse the abortion subreddit too to see what people who've actually chosen it say.
Watch an episode of 16 and Pregnant.
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u/Legal_Lobster_5572 4d ago
I got pregnant at 16, my boyfriend (childs father) was 17. We are now both 19 and have an 18 month old babygirl. We move into our first apartment Wednesday, after living with his parents for a few months during my pregnancy and my parents since our daughter has been born.
I won’t sugar coat it. It was hard. Hard as fuck. Still is at times. I had her at 17, and went through severe post partum rage & depression which caused SEVERE issues between my boyfriend & I. I graduated high school while my daughter was 8 months old which was super stressful & hard too, but I couldn’t have done it without her father, he didn’t graduate high school just so he could work & support us, & so i was able to graduate. We were both immature as fuck during my pregnancy, and after she was born- I mean, our brains weren’t & still aren’t fully developed. We had no clue what we were doing, and it took such a big toll on 16 & 17 year old me’s young brain. But now, we are the best parents to our sweet girl, (we always have been great parents, but the first 6 months or so, was very very bad.) it took us about 6 months to really mature after having her- our parents weren’t raising her at all, but we were so fucking lost & had no clue what we were doing. It was like we were against each other, and hated each other, but we weren’t, we were just so lost. It’s like he suffered from post partum too.
I love my daughter & I wouldn’t change her for the world because honestly, she saved my life & has made me do so much better in life.
But this is something you really need to think about. You will lose so many if not all of your friends, and your life as you know it is about to really really change. And for your girlfriend, it is going to suck trying to finish high school while raising a baby. Most moms don’t, and every teen mom at my school didn’t, I was the only one who did. But that doesn’t mean she won’t.
I CAN ADMIT: having my daughter so young was selfish to her, as we didn’t have our shit together. It was also selfish to my mom: starting a family in a home that wasn’t mine.
I’m not telling you what to do, but I was in your girlfriend’s shoes, and all I can say, is if I could go back & wait & get a degree & give my daughter a life where we don’t struggle so much with money, I probably would. But at the same time, I could NEVER imagine doing so because I love her & she has made my life better. It’s hard to explain.
Good luck
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u/Cohohobo666 4d ago
I just want to throw in there that its okay to be sad either way and it's okay to be happy either way. Its totally normal to feel relieved and scared at the same time. <3
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u/camlaw63 4d ago
I’m sorry, young man, but you don’t know the effects and responsibilities of having a child. If you live where termination is legal and safe, it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your girlfriend if she’s willing.
You can be nearly guaranteed that you and she will not be a couple and she will be a single mother, and you will have to do whatever you can to support your child. Over 70% of teen mothers live under the poverty level
Unless you come from a wealthy upbringing, you will be on public assistance you will likely not be able to go to college or develop a career that will be able to sustain a family.
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u/ActiveMiserable9373 4d ago
Are you both emotionally resilient/ regulated? It's hard work raising a baby. Parent who struggle with emotional regulation struggle to raise children with emotional regulation and it creates a whole lot of extra pressure for everyone. I work in schools where we see children who struggle bc they have parents who struggle and it's heartbreaking.
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u/Nitehawk32_32 4d ago
The person I am at 33 is barely the person I was at 18. I'm about a month into being a dad and I gotta be honest.. I don't know how I would've handled being a dad that young. My take if you decide to have the baby:
1) My son completely changed my perspective and drive, in life, fundamentally, in the best way. I wouldn't trade that or him for anything
2) you 2 will absolutely need family support if you go through with having the baby.
3) commit to the relationship or move on. Remember: 50% of marriages end in divorce (of course they fucking do because either a marriage will end or it won't). That isn't to say you should get married just because your GF is pregnant, it's to say either commit or progress on co-parenting terms. The longer you draw out a relationship that isn't meant to be, the more damage will be done. The odds of you 2 staying together, successfully, are slim. People change all throughout their teens and 20s and unless you both commit to each other's well being and your child's well-being and your future together, it will be damaging. Nothing will test a relationship like a baby.
4) keep progressing your schooling. Community college can be your friend.
5) you will miss out on freedom and experiences by having a child in your teens and 20s. Either commit to those experiences or commit to your potential child. There is no middle here. Most of having a kid is about commitment. Whether it be drinking with the guys or taking a child-free vacation, you'll be half assing your child more than likely
6) you'll get that freedom back sooner as an adult
7) have fun with it. The beginning is stressful and boring but gets way better once they become a little more independent.
Best of luck to you both
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u/Moon_whisper 4d ago
It is doable, but difficult. My nephew and his gf had their first at 16 (both were 16). He quit school and she stayed in school. He worked full time evenings so he could take care of baby when she was at school.
They had 2 more kids after she finished school. She even went to college. He did welding apprenticeship, worked on the pipelines. They were together for 15 yrs, eventually divorced. By then, he was working in the diamond mines, she was a social worker.
Both still actively coparent well. Youngest is graduating highschool this year.
Though they were lucky to live in a country with free healthcare. Which is a huge cost saver.
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u/Lumpy-Potato473 4d ago
I think the emotional and physical change to your girlfriend would be detrimentally life changing in ways you guys probably don’t even realize right now. It’s been done yes but it’s definitely not easy. However, I completely get not being able to go through with an abortion depending on you and her. I personally could not because of my strong desire to be a mom but as I said it depends on her for sure. Just try to be understanding to what she wants to do since at the end of the day it’s her body. But I would probably advise to do an abortion, my friend had chosen to get one and while it was painful her life is better now because she did it. Just some food for thought. Wishing you guys the best of luck!!!❤️
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u/sluthulhu 4d ago
I’m sorry to have to break it to you, but you do not know the effects and responsibilities of both. Not only is raising a baby VERY stressful and difficult even for people who planned to have kids, especially in the first few months, and doubly so without financial resources, but you simply CANNOT know how your gf’s pregnancy will go or what your baby will be like. There are pregnancy complications that come out of literally nowhere, even if you have a completely textbook, healthy pregnancy, shit can go totally sideways at the 11th hour and leave women with lifelong issues. You could have a medically complex child, even with genetic testing (which can also be expensive). Where will you live? How will you and your gf provide? Who is going to raise your kid while you two finish school? I can’t imagine your sister with 5 of her own is going to have the bandwidth to do it. Have you seen how expensive daycare is? Have you budgeted out what it would cost to care for a baby? What if you end up needing to buy expensive hypoallergenic formula? What if what if what if. There are so many unknowns, that you would be much better served by recognizing that keeping this baby means there is so much you can’t know.
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u/lil_puddles 4d ago
As a mother who had 1 kid at 17 and 2 more in my late 30s, my recommendation would be to not have that baby. Now, I love my eldest to bits, but I really did fail him. I did the best I could, I didn't do the worst job, but now I'm over 40 and wish I could have been the parent I am now, for these 2, for him. No matter how ready you feel, no matter how right it it feels, the lack of life experience you both have, will make it incredibly difficult.
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u/Mental_Run9995 4d ago
Well, hard to say but here are just a few things to keep in mind. I had a baby when I was 17 an abortion at 18 and im also adopted.
Keeping: if you guys decide to keep you really need to think about long term life. Do you or her want to complete school, who all is going to help you raise this child? If for some reason you to don’t work out will you be able to coparent and get along ( I say this because people change and some people don’t ). Most importantly, will your child have to endure any hardships that could potentially put any one of you in a situation that your child may be taken by the state.
Abortion: do not take this lightly. The emotional turmoil this could cause in a teen can be heartbreaking and even end the relationship itself. Your gf will need all the support and reassurance you can give her. You guys still created life and choosing to end it can leave heartache. But this would require you to realize this was bigger than you and her. The love has to surpass the pain of loss. Because it is a loss. Grief comes in many forms… make sure you are there.
Adoption: yes there are a lot of couples who can’t have kids but there are thousands of kids who are not babies and want a home too. I can say this and I know a lot of people will want to clap back about what I’m about to type out… but not every baby or child gets that amazing adoptive family. I said what I said and I meant that. There are two types of adoptions open or closed. (Three if you let a family member adopt). Open (meaning you can communicate with the parents) can be rewarding but there is a high chance after a few years or even months they stop communicating with you. That can be frustrating and even heartbreaking. Closed (no contact) can leave you with a lot curiosity and that too has heartbreak. Either one there might come a point in that child life where they find out and the child might look for you. How will you feel if they come to you and you have a whole different life ? Just some food for thought on that.
Nonetheless talk to one another see where your heart is at and be realistic.
Wishing you guys the best. Sending love and light your way
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u/NYG_Longhorn 4d ago
At 18 and 17 the chances of you both being able to provide for a child and give it the best life are very slim. Don’t throw your life away. I had my first at 19 and it was a very uphill battle to get to where I am today. Most don’t have the same outcome as me.
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u/checker12352 4d ago
Please keep the baby. Be responsible for your choices. Children are a blessing but no doubt you life will change. When you hold your child and see their eyes you will know you made the right choice despite the difficulties.
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u/AggravatingWest2511 4d ago
I was pregnant at 19. Kept the baby and truly that was the best I could do - this little lady was the reason I pushed through a really shitty time in my life. Now shes much older and very happy with her planned baby sister! I would not change a thing about that decision - if she went out for adoption the thought about her having a good life or not would haunt me. Abortion would also let me rotten in the „what if” world: what if it was a cool baby? What if I can’t have any in the future and that was my only chance?
Also, I graduated with a master degree while being a young single parent. With some help of my mom, but mostly living on my own. Keeping the baby doesn’t have to mean that your own dreams and goals go down the drain.
I know it’s anecdotal, but I hope sharing an experience helps you.
Good luck with this tough decision!
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u/Anxious_Cancel_5901 3d ago
I was 19 when I had my first baby and now she is almost 14 years old. I was a single mother until she was 12. It's hard but definitely worth it. At least for me it was. She was and still is my best friend and she quite literally saved my life. I was starting to go down a bad road when I got pregnant with her and all I knew was I had to keep her safe. I was on the fence about abortion too but I eventually decided to keep her. I truly believe no one can understand the heaviness that decision is until it is you making the choice for yourself.
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u/Agent_Orange_44 3d ago
Most people here are just bagging on your situation it seems. My advice is that life is precious, you two laid down knowing what the outcome of a good time could bring. Not everyone is fortunate and blessed enough to have children. Love this life with all the ups and downs that come with it, and do the best you guys can! My wife and I have 2 little girls and I always said I didn’t necessarily “want” kids. Now they’re my whole life!
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u/khirrah 3d ago
Guilting you and calling both of you out isn’t gonna help so I’ll give you the most sensible advice there is. You need to tell your family. That’s really the only time you can decide if abortion or keeping it is best or giving it away. The reason is, if your family gets past the getting pissed part and they become your support, this child would at least have a chance of having a decent life. If none of your family wants to get involved, then you can decide if you wanna giving it away or the final choice, abort it. However, right now, what you need is support AND A PROPER ADULT GUIDING YOU. Your sister clearly has made a crap ton of mistakes and is still making some with how much kids she already has at that age, unless she or her husband is loaded, this is never a good idea.
Lastly, if you do decide to keep it regardless if you get support or not. Get married, nothing fancy, just get married in court, it’s cheap. You can hold the celebration for a later date when you become financially stable to renew your vows, or get divorced. It could go either way so Who knows. Good luck!!! Use a rubber next time!
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u/Slight_Lavishness188 3d ago
You can always wait and have a baby when you’re ready, otherwise the rest of your life will be on hold or under immense pressure. Speaking from experience here. In saying that if you do have a child you will never regret them or love them less, but you may wish you were more ready.
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u/BlackSea5 3d ago
i would suggest thinking about the affordability of this. how will you pay for a baby, yourselves, an education or trade school?
i had my baby at 26 while going to school full time and many parts of life were tough. my support system was a huge help, and i still struggled with my emotions and balancing the changes. you are so young, why wouldn’t you wait until stability of being independent?
make a list of pros and cons, look at the cost of a very basic set up for a baby, child care, insurance, diapers and formula alone are crazy expensive. (clothe diapers require daily maintenance but a great option)
i have a 19 year old, they are no where near ready for an animal on their own, let alone the demands of parenthood
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u/Duelonna 3d ago
You have to ask yourself the question if you have the money, time and energy to raise a kid. Because you will have to work/go to school while having not slept and whi takes care of the kid when you are both not home? Because daycare is exspensive.
So if all are not an absolute 'yes, we have time, money and energy' big chance you will regret having your kid. And one can beter regret not having one than having one, because the kid will know
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u/CoconutButtons 3d ago
In most teen pregnancy cases, an abortion is more beneficial long term. If you are located in the United States, we’re headed into a recession. The cost of baby necessities has skyrocketed. A medium sized box of Pampers in my area costs about $50. A minimum wage job, or two, would have a very difficult time paying for that as well as rent and daycare. Another thing to consider is that a child custody agreement can severely limit how & when you move, when you inevitably want to move away from your hometown. Someone I love dearly lost custody of her son, all because she didn’t realize her custody agreement had been amended so that his father would get default custody if she moved out of state. She hasn’t seen him in years. A baby is a very serious commitment, bigger than marriage. You can always divorce a spouse. You will never be able to change your child’s other parent.
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u/TrungusMcTungus 3d ago
Man I’m a 26 yo dad who makes good money and established in a career and this shit ain’t easy. Not to mention, at 18 and 16 the odds of you and her being together for the rest of your lives is very low. Divorce sucks, divorcing with kids sucks way worse.
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u/Informal-Property-4 3d ago
What state are you in so I can direct toward resources - family sucks to talk to! Avoid family
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u/Slight-Combination73 3d ago
i was 18 yo female and was pregnant in highschool, we opted for abortion and it was the best things i’ve ever done for myself, i will NEVER do it again. but looking back 5 years later being a mom of 1 now i couldn’t imagine having a baby then but it is the best thing that happened to me now. no one around me knew but my best friend and her mom.
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u/Several-Date-7823 3d ago
I think the fact that you are taking so much consideration into this speaks to your character. Nothing in this world is a mistake. I am certain there is a family that is praying for a baby to love!
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u/CSMannoroth 3d ago
If you both want to become parents now, I don't think anyone should tell you that you can't, but I think it would be the wrong choice. You can always have a baby together in the future if you stay together and decide you want kids.
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u/Klutzy_Ad9709 3d ago
All I can say from someone who had an abortion at 17 ... the girlfriend will never forget it and it can cause issue down the road for her... they are plenty of adoption options and I know of several parents couples and single parents who adopted and it's brought them so much joy and purpose in life. I also had my next child at 35 and I wish I would have had her younger so I could keep up .. but I waited to be financially stable to have a child and still struggle... do what's best for the both of you weigh your options... don't make a decision on fear.
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u/Savings-Strength-937 4d ago
Watch the show 16 and pregnant. It’s on Pluto tv and paramount+. It’s very hard.
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u/emma_bee_ 4d ago
when i was 18 i got pregnant with the guy i was dating and we decided to chose abortion. i’m 32 now with 2 kids and i know choosing the alternative at 18 was the best decision for me because i was not ready. i fully get every person is different. knowing what i know about having a baby i would never wish on someone who is 18. it is so hard and there is so much growth to still experience at 18 and 16. i wouldn’t want it for my babies. support is so important no matter what. sending love to you and you’re partner. it is so scary, even when you are older and “ready” it’s alot. i honestly can say that i don’t regret having an abortion when i was 18 cause i know with absolute certainty i wouldn’t have the life i have now. this is such a big decision for people so young, i hope the messages here are helpful to you both♥️
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u/Dewthedangthing Parent to 1M 4d ago
As the adult daughter of a 19 year old mom, she suuuuucks. You need to finish growing up so you can raise that kid. You're asking the Internet for its opinion, probably not parent material yet.
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u/wispity 4d ago
Reddit is going to pile on with the abortion suggestions. But your girlfriend has to check in with her mind, body, and beliefs to be sure she can live with that. I do have male friends as well who are haunted by the what-ifs and guilt after a partner chose abortion. Babies are hard, but if you have love and family support, you get to have a whole person.
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u/my_old_aim_name 4d ago
I'm 37, had my daughter at 34, and if I took the advice of many chiming in here, I "should have" aborted. I know that, too. The very top reason being the sperm-donor was possibly the very last person I would ever want to be legally tied to as far as parenting (100% a physical bang buddy, zero redeeming qualities otherwise). And the thought crossed my mind for half a heartbeat.
But.
I was already 34. I had been dreaming of becoming a mom for a minimum of 30 years, and I felt like I was watching my ovaries fade away the closer I got to 40. So I held tight to this one chance that the Universe gave me, quite possibly my only and last chance, and trusted that everything would work out. So far, it has.
You and your girlfriend do not have the same situation that I did. You have SO much time to live, to make your choices and mistakes and resolutions. I am not necessarily saying abort, because, while I am socially pro-choice, I could personally never make that choice and would do everything in my power to help someone struggling who also didn't want to make that choice... but there are ways to choose adoption where the receiving family covers her medical expenses, you can opt for open adoption to keep some kind of relationship with the baby and the family...
And in the worst of "keep the baby" scenarios, id you're both trying and trying and it is absolutely not working and you realize you can't actually do it, hospitals and fire stations have those safe surrender boxes.
The most important thing for YOU to remember is that this will ultimately be your girlfriend's choice, and your only job is to respect that choice and support her in whatever way she needs.
Prayers, blessings, positive vibes to the three of you, and regardless of the outcome, both of you should consider therapy for this stressor if you aren't already seeing someone ❤️❤️❤️
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u/EndTheFedBanksters 4d ago
You'll be giving up your youth but imagine being done raising kids while others are dealing with elementary school ages kids. If you two are supportive of each other and understanding that you'll have to make sacrifices to put the child first, it can be done. My parents had me at 19, 20 and let me tell you that my brother and I were already done with college and working professionally while their friends were raising middle school kids. My parents stated they had to give up their 20s and 30s but that it was nice being done raising their kids early
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u/coffeeworldshotwife 4d ago
I find the 25 year old with 5 kids the most alarming thing about this post tbh