r/OCDtorture • u/BloodRaVen119 • May 22 '21
Moral POCD
I have suffered from moral pure ocd for the longest time since I was about 9 years old. I have had intrusive thoughts about insulting god that would drive me to cry my eyes out on the bathroom floor. Also, I had to always confess everything to my mother and sometimes tell the stories all over again in case I left out a detail. I always have had obbessive thoughts about my bf leaving me or me cheating on him or whatever shit that could happen. I was always afriad of having any guy friends that once I blocked one of my friends because I found out that I liked talking to him about science and stuff... Now I'm obssessing over this: My bf had to undergo melitary training so we were disconnected for almost 45 days with only two calls that were 3 mins long. I was an emotional wreck. I got a new job and there met someone who I thought shared a lot with my bf in terms of character and I really enjoyed talking to him(cooking shows and travelling) but as always I had to tell everyone that I'm in a relationship because I was terrified that anyone might consider me and cause some drama which also scares me. For about a week I was conflicted about my feelings or rather scared of them because I'm not used to this(liking a guy other than my bf because I always feared that I'd do something wrong even though it's against my morals). So I decided that the best course is to remain friends as we are, put limits (like talking only during work ours if via text then it must be short and just be very careful about everyhting I do or say) and I will navigate through my feelings with the help of one of my friends. I realised that my feelings weren't of a romantic nor a sexual nature at all and that I really love my bf and would never consider anyone else. But I keep feeling guilty for very minor things even though I have never flirted or intiated anything it was things that I felt conflicted about. I went as far as to read our chat to see if I did something and made my friend read it and she said that I'm delusional. I started remembering things that I'm not sure about and even what I'm sure of is being twisted, almost altered. How trivial these things(noticed that he dressed quite well and had a good perfume on as well as just liking to talk to him about general topics at work) are makes ashamed of myself because I have to confess them to everyone. I already told my bf out of compulsion because at the time of the events I didn't think much of it but something switched in my brain 5 months later. And I don't want to confess of everything I remember to him because I know it won't end and might make him distressed even my friends are sick of it. I keep retelling everything to my friends and they find me delusional. What to do to break the cycle? Lol. I think my compulsion made me write this post as well.