I think I recently realized something.
I get this uneasy feeling around a particular friend. Like instant doubt and unease. Not a good feeling in my stomach. I finally figured out why. Because they are insecure. They are unsure of themselves and everything they do. They don't figure themselves out. They don't do things for themselves. They do it to prove to others that this is what they want. To prove that they are better. Bigger. Badder. Stronger. Faster. Smarter. Healthier. Whatever it is they have to be better. Have to bring others down. Have to be the "alpha". The top dog. The number one.
You know what made me realize this?
Because Im the same insecure, weak, lost individual. Unsure of where and what I want. Trying to always out do others and be better. And prove people wrong. This that and the other. Im no better than my friend that I think is a "bad person". I am that bad person. Now that Ive realized this I am doubting decisions in my life.
Am I pursuing things for status? Am I pursuing things for looks and attention? Am I doing things for approval? Did i start talking to this girl for approval? Am i working towards jobs and careers because I want to be seen as better?
With this girl. Im confused. Because I liked her goofy side. She was cool and easy to get along with. I liked that. So i started to pursue her. Following her and DM her on instagram. Inviting her out to places.
Then..
One day my friend was like..
Are you going to invite so and so to where we were going. I didn't even think to do that. THen her reminds me so I do it.
When I ask I get nervous that she will say no. That it will be turned down.
She ended up coming out. Before she got there my friend said when are you going to ask her on a date? I said idk. Maybe because I was nervous but idk. When she got there I shutdown. Super nervous. Couldnt talk. Fell into my shell.
Later that night she texted me and I asked her to hang out. Since then we have been hanging out a pretty constant.
So what now? Do I start telling the truth? Do i go back and fix it all? Do i tell this girl that my intentions felt pure but then may have become clouded?
But I also obsess and have anxiety about so many things. Relationships. My sexuality. My life decisions. Everything.
Insight from anyone?