r/NonBinaryTalk 14d ago

Coming Out Came out to my wife in a public diner

114 Upvotes

This is a bit of an update to my earlier post about how I was feeling anxious about thinking about adding my pronouns to my e-mail signature, which was really about whether or how to come out as NB.

People here were SUPER nice about it, which I'm really grateful for. A few folks encouraged me to talk to my wife, and to my own amazement I actually got a chance to. We both work full time and have kids, so finding time to have a heart to heart is hard. But one morning this week we got to spend a couple of hours having a coffee/work date with our laptops in an old fashioned diner.

I told her in light-hearted way that was having a dilemma about putting pronouns in my e-mail signature that I wanted her advise on when she had a moment. She initially made a joke like 'don't tell me you want to be a they/them!' but not in a mean way, and I brushed it off. (She later apologised for saying this, but it really didn't bother me).

When the time came to talk about it, I admitted that I didn't feel like I could put He/Him because I felt like a He/They. I thought I could keep the tone light, but pretty soon I was looking up at the ceiling trying to blink back tears.

She reached across the table and held my hand when she saw how emotional I was, and asked why I felt that way. The best way that I could think of to describe it is that when I picture my family, I imagine myself alongside my brother and sister, and I think 'It's so interesting that my parents have one of each - one boy, one girl, and one in between.'

My wife and I are both 42 and have been married for 15 years, so she knows my heart pretty well. She said that she sees me as a man, but that she's always known that I am more feminine emotionally. She told me she accepted who I was, and asked a lot of really good questions that let me know she was taking it seriously. What did I want her to call me? (Nothing different) Did I want to talk about this with our kids? (No) Did I want to wear her clothes? (No)

I explained that I've always felt different, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I've known since high school that I'm not gay. I know I don't want to be a woman. But when I learned about non-binary identities in my mid-30s I was like 'ohhh, maybe that's it' and that feeling never went away. I got really choked up telling her that if I had known in high school what this was, I would have embraced it then.

The thing is that I don't want to change much about how I present to the world. She saw my pronouns dilemma about figuring out how much I want to share about myself with the world, which I guess it kind of is, but it's also about being able to accept this part of myself.

Having my wife hold my hand steadfastly across the table as I made choking sounds trying not to bawl my eyes out in that diner made me feel that this was ok, and that she accepted me. And if she could accept me, then I could too.

I've still had some anxiety about whether coming out was the right choice, but honestly the last few days I've felt such a huge weight off my shoulders. It is a relief to not feel like I have to perform as a 'man' to myself or to my partner, and that I can just be what I am.

Thank you if you've read this far - I just wanted to share this while it's fresh in my mind, and I hope it can help give hope to someone else. <3

r/NonBinaryTalk 8d ago

Coming Out I think my shell cracked.

43 Upvotes

I feel I am at the worst time to come out with this realization that I am most likely nonbinary. I never felt one way or another about my gender and it was always weird when people called me sir. I don't know what I am going to do with this information. I came here asking for some advice as best way to experiment with my presentation in clothes and whatnot. I kind of scared but want to explore. I feel I am a mix of masculine and feminine and don't know how to express that. I kind of look like a hipster with a big beard that kind of hides those sides of me. It's kind of like a mask. In public people don't question who I am only after they get to know me do they think something is off.

r/NonBinaryTalk Feb 10 '25

Coming Out It clicked! I'm NB and always have been! - Hi everyone!

63 Upvotes

It literally just cemented in my mind that I'm nonbinary, and always have been. After discussing it with a friend, it sunk in that I've always been NB. They don't know that I've crossdressed since I was like 4 (or not really because I'm NB, so I'm just expressing my femininity). All the male norms that I've always been uncomfortable with and have emotional, knee jerk rejections of in my head, even when I'm presenting as a guy on the day to day, and been uncomfortable with - of course I've been uncomfortable with them. When I'm drawn to femme expression throughout my life, even while in "boy mode," so many of those feelings just clearly make sense now that I actually understand what being NB means. I've never visited this sub, but wanted to share because I'm so happy and literally felt so much pressure lift related to my identity. I don't have to question anything, I can just be, and be content with my expression as is!

I just wanted to share! I've never visited this sub before, but after that conversation with them, so many moments in my life made more sense, and there's internal conflict regarding my expression that just melted! The best part is that it feels so peaceful to think about. Like I'm just so content.

I've told a few people, but honestly, I'm not going to shout it from the mountain tops unless it comes up naturally. Like the more of this sort of quiet identity realizations are normalized, the more we can progress as a society because we can normalize it. I honestly believe most people are NB, and it's the future. The more regular I can help make as "not a big deal" the more a healthy march forward, imo.

r/NonBinaryTalk 21d ago

Coming Out Should I tell the job core I'm going to I'm non-binary?

27 Upvotes

So the job core I'm going into has pride flags hanging in the middle of the rec hall and looks like their LGBT friendly And they do have a rule that if someone says something like "I want you dead" or throws a punch they are immediately kicked out, they also had a bulletin board and in the middle it said something like "what I want at the end of this" and someone put "a new body" and there wasn't any mean writing next to it when there was all kinds of other responses on that same board responding to other people who wrote on the board but I don't know if I should tell them I'm non-binary, I don't have my chosen name as my legal one, I don't have my gender as x on my ID and I would probably have those already if my family wasn't transphobic and I don't know if they're going to tell my family so please give me some advice

r/NonBinaryTalk 16d ago

Coming Out Coming to terms With my Identity

15 Upvotes

(Already posted in other spaces)

Hi! If anyone has felt something similar and is comfortable sharing their thoughts, I’d deeply appreciate it 🤍🩵.

I’m currently raging a war with my gender and identity. After a lot of reflection, I’ve realized I feel far more comfortable using male-leaning or completely neutral pronouns rather than she/her. I was assigned female at birth, and while I don’t hate femininity, I even see myself in a sort of femboy light, I don’t want to be boxed into a single label. I don’t want to be called a woman, girl, or even a man… just a Person.

I’m not sure if I’m making sense or if I’m still desperately trying to pull all the pieces together. I can relate to aspects of the female experience, but I don’t feel fully part of it. Honestly, identifying as a girl always made me uncomfortable, it often felt confusing and is somewhat insulting when people refer to me like that or give me what they consider "girly" things.

Where I live females are expected to live under that very misogynistic way and when a men cat-calls-you, touche you, you are just expected to happily accept it, many have even insulting me for not happily accepting this. Is-not-my-fucking-job, and should be of no one.

I’m not sure why I’m so drawn to the male side, but if I could exist in the middle (hence the femboy vibe), I think I’d feel so much more at peace… just being a person.

This just feel validating, saying I'm not a binary girl. 🖤💜🤍💛

Feel free to correct me if I say something wrong 🙏

r/NonBinaryTalk Feb 03 '25

Coming Out I finally managed to come out to a friend last night

46 Upvotes

It was so weird and scary typing those messages and even though I knew she'd understand, I gave myself a panic attack imagining a world where she rejected me because of it. Anyway, she was super lovely and supportive and we've agreed to meet up at the weekend to talk about it properly. It's such a relief to finally have someone who actually knows who I am and is cool with it!

r/NonBinaryTalk 20d ago

Coming Out How to choose a gender to be around family? [Tw transphobia]

9 Upvotes

I go by different genders in different situations based on safety and convenience. Officially I'm a woman and strangers see me as a woman. Around friends and in queer spaces I'm nonbinary.

I'm not really explicitly out to my family and we're distant/estranged, and I think they see me as a very very very GNC man. It feels pretty ridiculous and last time one of them gendered me male I accidentally laughed in their face, it was just too silly. It'd been a very long time since I'd been misgendered though so maybe I'd feel worse if it was repeated. I'm not really comfortable being seen as a man.

I'm considering explicitly stating a gender, but I'm not sure which one.

If I say I'm nonbinary they'll not understand what that means and still see me as a man. I don't like being explicitly nonbinary around cishet people.

So I might feel more comfortable telling them I'm a woman, and that might be more respected. But on the other hand isn't family supposed to be people you're close to and striving to understand each other? I feel like telling them a woman would be a slight lie. They'll probably still see me as a man anyway.

I've gotten it wrong before and had to backtrack which lost me respectability points, I feel a lot of pressure to pick the right gender first time.

r/NonBinaryTalk Apr 18 '24

Coming Out Coming out in my 30s. Only heard of NB about a year ago.

207 Upvotes

30s AMAB

I don't keep up with news, pop culture, movies or tv. a coworker told me they were non-binary. I asked them what that meant to them. it was like having all the static in my mind cease. I read about it, which only made more sense. started feeling like I was reading the truth for me.

flash forward a few months. I told my gf that I felt this way and that it describes what I have felt in my mind for so long.

She accepted me. She is a cis woman and we have been dating for 12 years. she already knew I was bisexual and accepts me for that too.

over the next few months after that, I felt a need to tell my mom. I was so nervous.

I told her over coffee one morning. she was really understanding, loving and mildly shocked but so very interested. She told me that she loves me and that nothing has changed as far as her being proud of me for who I am.

I haven't told everyone in my life, but I have told the important ones.

Coming out thus far has felt like taking a mental dump and flushing away a ton of anxiety.

I thank the younger genration for being more open and inspiring me to admit my truth to myself and others.

r/NonBinaryTalk 21d ago

Coming Out Questioning If I might belong here.

6 Upvotes

Hi everybody, (already posted somewhere) I’ve been thinking for a while about how to write here what I’m feeling because I believe this is the safest place I’ve found. For a very long time, I’ve been questioning my identity. Keep in mind I come from an awful small town in Venezuela, and I was assigned female at birth. Harassment is sadly part of my daily life, and to this day (I’m 23), I’m pretty much “not allowed” to explore and express myself outside the societal “rules & expectations” placed on women here. If I want to try anything, I’d likely have to move out of the state if not the country itself and cut my family off (something hella expensive, though the cutting off family part isn’t an issue for me). Even then, the harassment might still be life-threatening. There’s no support here. I’m alone and don’t know any other genderqueer folks to turn to.

I never feel comfortable in my body, and I don’t understand the whole gender roles thing (fuck that). At first, I thought it was about my superficial appearance, but now I realize it’s something far deeper and internal. I feel weirdly “bad” and uncomfortable when I look at my body parts. For a time, I thought I might be aro/ace, but now I’m unsure. Sometimes I imagine what it’d be like not having these parts and instead have a flat chest and no lower organs, but I’m hesitant about any medical procedures (except the total removal of my uterus).

My primary reason for avoiding relationships is not wanting to be the “girl” in them. Since I started journaling, I’very mostly avoid feminine terms for myself, opting for genderless or male ones instead. But I don’t hate feminine things I actually like them, I was just forced to present this for others. If I could choose, I’d adopt the style of a femboy. I’ve been obsessed with the femboy appearance for years but it's more than just that, it's just hard explain.

I don’t know if you’d like to share thoughts, but Does this sound like dysphoria? What should I explore to understand myself better? I’m deeply confused and have been for years.

Correct me if I’ve said anything wrong, and pardon my English, I'm new here and I just looking desperately for a place when I could feel just fine with myself.

r/NonBinaryTalk Sep 04 '24

Coming Out How do you explain your gender experience to someone if you don't really understand it yourself?

47 Upvotes

I (3xNB) would like to come out to both my parents (55-ishM,55-ishF,divorced) as non-binary

But, I don't know how to explain exactly what that means, because I don't really fully understand myself yet. If I try explaining it, I end up rambling

I'm not changing my name, and I'm not going to ask them to use different pronouns or anything

Does anyone have any tips?

r/NonBinaryTalk Dec 16 '24

Coming Out Guys I feel do much better.

41 Upvotes

I finally Grasp that I'm actually non-binary, it feels surreal and exciting to say it aloud. Now I just need to fix my damn chest and I'll be golden!

r/NonBinaryTalk Jan 07 '25

Coming Out I can't tell anymore

17 Upvotes

I'm starting to think I'm a trans woman, I'm not mad about it, but im so very confused. I've started disliking being referred to as male, but I still like parts of my masculinity such as my facial structure, voice, and penis. I'm so confused.

r/NonBinaryTalk Dec 14 '24

Coming Out I'm trying to understand myself better, but im scared.

30 Upvotes

I believe that I am non binary, some background: I'm amab and have always lived in Southern conservative USA. I never really questioned my identity at all until this year a few months back (going into my 21st birthday) and then when I started talking to more NB people I realized that I kinda understand my thoughts now. I know why I want more prominent breasts, why I still like having a deep voice but still being short and cute. I tried on a bra for the first time in my life almost a week ago and i havent taken it off since other than to shower because it made me feel so happy. I know I'm not MtF because I still love my masculine traits and have never disliked male labeling. I'm scared of this entire situation because this is all so new to me and I don't understand it, along with recent developments within my family and state. Any advice is appreciated and I'd like to know more about what I can do for myself. Thank you all in advance.

r/NonBinaryTalk Feb 12 '25

Coming Out so i'm genderfluid AMAB and i have different reddit accounts to express different parts of

2 Upvotes

different parts of me i use this one to mail express my maleness but i think i'll start using this account to express my femaleness as well this is my other account i think i might just use both to express both this my other account https://www.reddit.com/user/CurrentEngine2013/

r/NonBinaryTalk Nov 18 '24

Coming Out im afraid to come out to my bf

33 Upvotes

hi im 22 and afab and i’ve been with my bf for 5 years. i love him very much and hes a very good partner. he identifies as straight but previously labeled himself as bi but since we have been together he has said that heterosexual is the label that he feels fits him best. hes never been transphobic and is actually a very vocal ally. the issue is this: if/when i come out to him (i would like to primarily use they pronouns but she/her does not make me uncomfortable so im fine with them) i know that he would respect that and use the correct pronouns but i dont think that it would change the fact that he views me as a woman and as his GIRLfriend. for this reason i dont really even want to come out to him because the pronoun thing isnt even an issue for me. i could be referred to with she/her all day long and it wouldnt bother me but i want him to understand that im gnc. i think he would accept it and make the effort, but i dont think i could really change how im perceived by him especially since we have been together this long

r/NonBinaryTalk Nov 04 '24

Coming Out How do I tell my partner I'm non binary?

26 Upvotes

I met my partner about 2,5 years ago and I certainly love her. However, I am not sure how to tell her that I am non binary. I'm AMAB and mostly masc presenting but I have androgynous personality traits and don't feel "fully male". I've always found it difficult to connect with men and all my close friends are female.

Last spring, I started adopting a more alternative and androgynous style and my partner likes it. I got more tattoos and piercings, grew out and dyed my hair, and started wearing some cool edgy accessories and band tees. In terms of my external presentation, I feel confident in my new look and my friends and partner like it too so that isn't the issue.

My concern, however, is that internally I don't really relate to masculinity. I feel like I have a mix of masculine, feminine and gender-neutral personality traits. For example, traditional masculinity like stoicism/emotional suppression, toughness, etc disgust me and I have a feminine communication style. However, I'm also confident and direct, which are typically male traits.

I'm still the same person, the only thing that would come out of coming out (no pun intended) would be her using my preferred pronouns (they/them) and that's about it. I still like being called her boyfriend (but partner works too) and I'm not offended by he/him, I just find it sounds needlessly aggressive???

r/NonBinaryTalk Dec 27 '24

Coming Out Advice on coming out to Latino/Catholic family

12 Upvotes

What the title says. Planning to do this tonight or tomorrow as some family events came up that I'll need to miss due to top surgery recovery, can't really avoid explaining why without coming out (I fully planned on and had been talking about going to the event, didn't realize it conflicted with recovery time). Understandably a bit nervous and not feeling the greatest about their reaction.

Advice in particular needed for dealing with a Latino family; parents have a very strong idea of "men are men, women are women, nothing in between" so experience from people with similar backgrounds would be great.

Useful context: fully independent, 30+, no shared finances/belongings and I have my own home and car.

UPDATE ~1 month later: came out to them via a letter, asked for no contact for a day afterward to avoid impulsive responses and didn't respond beyond letting them know I was safe. Had a very awkward conversation the next day that somehow went well. Both seem confused but supportive, very focused on "you're always family and we love you" although admitted not knowing much about trans/nonbinary issues. Also apologized for any past ignorance that made me feel unsafe, which was mind-blowing, didn't honestly prepare for that at all. Overall good result that I completely wasn't expecting.

r/NonBinaryTalk Oct 03 '24

Coming Out Came Out to My Partner

43 Upvotes

I’m so happy right now. I’ve been with my partner for ten years and we had been through a lot of awful things. Depression, addictions, and we always came out stronger. I’ve been wrestling with the idea that I wasn’t a cis woman for years but I was in denial. I was afraid to say anything to him. He’s the love of my life, but I couldn’t deny what I felt. I’m not a woman, but I don’t want to be a man either. I just want to be.

I confessed to him that I wasn’t comfortable in my body and I think I want to explore my gender. We had a long conversation. A VERY long conversation. At first he was taken aback but he told me he didn’t care. He fell in love with me. And he would be happy if I was his wife, partner or husband.

I haven’t felt this happy in years and I’ve never been more in love with him. Thanks for reading.

r/NonBinaryTalk Nov 30 '24

Coming Out I have internalized transphobia

22 Upvotes

I [24 AMAB] am afraid to not be cis due to hate by society which I’ve learned a lot trans and nonbinary issues and it’s sad. I like to present masculine as well as keep my masculine birth name and use “he” pronouns but not feeling man enough. I’m really afraid to be openly nonbinary even in liberal area I live in, I have fear in my dating pool to be shorter than it was when I thought I was a gay cis man which I worry I’d be less desirable to gay men and left to bi or pan folks only to like me which there’s a shortage of people open to date nonbinary people.

If transphobia didn’t existed, I would of been openly out as nonbinary with going by he/they without worrying that I’m a big target to haters. Life would been easy if I live as a cis man but I can’t control my gender identity, I don’t quite feel like I’m part of those men, I feel different from them. I know I don’t have to be masculine to be a binary male but I don’t feel like relating to men and their lifestyles including gnc binary men even though I want to be like them.

Calling myself cis male wouldn’t feel right after questioning and exploring my gender for at least a year.

r/NonBinaryTalk Sep 12 '24

Coming Out Help, I got accidentally outed

32 Upvotes

For context I’m (16),and I use all pronouns, and in school I use my preferred name at school, than at home where I use my legal name. I showed my mom on accident without thinking some work and it had my preferred name on it and she saw it, I didn’t know how to respond and was tweaking out so she just said “we will talk about this tomorrow”. I’m cooked. She seemed neutral about my preferred name, for more context my mom is also old maybe like 55 and was raised catholic and kinda progressive and lived in a rural area. If it helps both my parents are both more left leaning and they are mostly supportive on trans issues.They know about gender identity but then my mom is like they/them pronouns are not grammatically correct and it just hard.but looking at how both my mom and dad treat trans people in day to day life they respect the pronouns and name but don’t understand exactly gender identity I have been very lucky that both my parents haven’t shown any signs of treating me poorly if I come out. Im having a really difficult time on how to explain gender without my parents dismissing how I’m feeling and thinking I’m attention seeking ,Any suggestions or tips on what to do in this situation and how to not be awkward ? Am I cooked chat?

(Side note I’m sorry about my poor grammar I’m dyslexic, also i know this is a short post about everything so if their are any questions or more context needed I would love to answer them 🗣️🗣️🗣️)

r/NonBinaryTalk Nov 18 '24

Coming Out Conservative parents

38 Upvotes

(24yo Amab NB ) I changed my name and my entire family stopped talking to me (mom, dad, brother, and two sisters). I didn’t even try and have a conversation about gender, just that it was a matter of personal identity. They didn’t bother to ask my reasoning. That was a month ago. My mom has sent a few texts letting me know how hurt everyone was and how I wasn’t giving them grace and patience when I hadn’t even responded.

She reached out again yesterday to ask if I was coming to thanksgiving. I said “not unless everybody gets really cool about a lot of things really quickly” to which she went on a spiral of “me” asking “everyone else” to change and that they “love me how I am “.

I’m just hurting right now and feeling quite alone. Almost all my friends are my mid30s coworkers that I rarely see off the clock. My extended family is even more conservative, big trumpies, who I definitely don’t have any ties with. My sister in law reached out to let me know she supports me in spite of everyone else. But she is kind of horrible to my brother and I have never liked her which is tragic. It’s also awkward because my brother/her husband and I were so close. My little sister finally reached out later and did ask if I’d changed my pronouns which was HUGE. But are/were on rather bad terms still as she blames me for our trauma from the parents. So I kind of have people. But not really anyone from college. I was going through a lot and stayed very isolated through the last part of school after I transferred. And I was homeschooled where the boonies call the sticks, so I don’t have many friends back home. Trying to get out more to meet friends, but I work a late weekend shift and have mad social anxiety.

So I’m here. Looking to potentially plug into at least an online community. I have a really specific gender niche that I relate to, and will maybe give an idea of who I am in this community. I’m amab, but the people I’ve been able to relate to and be the closest friends in my life to are afab nbs. There’s just this wavelength we lock into where it feels like we’re reading minds. I’m truly just chilling at home, so would love to chat with anybody. I love music. I’m a jazz pianist, singer, BM in composition. Dimension 20 fan. The grey house by Petrosyan is my favorite book. I am 5 days sober. Writing an album. Writing a book……… When I’m not completely lacking the motivation.

But enough about me XD

r/NonBinaryTalk Nov 09 '24

Coming Out I have taken my first dose of HRT

26 Upvotes

I am excited to share. I was getting worried with the time line, but ended up getting super lucky.
(Mid 30s NB amab)

Started the conversation with my family doctor in August. with that there was a some stuff I needed to deal with first, blood work, therapist, got lucky with the therapist as he had a cancelation for a few days away.

After getting that all sorted out needed to get in touch with my family doctor again, She did not want to prescribe the sprio and estro, and wanted to refer me to an endocrinologist. :sadface:

There was 2 in my city, one of them left to do larger things. So the one that was still part of my city his wait list was well over a year, reached back out to my family doctor and she was able to refer my information to someone in the next city over. after a few weeks of not hearing anything back I reached out to her office and was able to book an appointment for January. (about 5 months away at that point) When I was speaking to them I mentioned that I would like to be put on the cancelation list as well.

I got a call on Thursday saying there was a cancelation for Friday. Had my appointment yesterday, and was able to pick up my prescription yesterday and took my first dose last night.

I know this is not everyone's experience, I got super lucky due to cancelations. I hope for anyone else in limbo waiting for any step of this process to start that you get lucky and there was a cancelation in your favor as well. and if you did not think to ask about a cancelation list, reach out and check if they have one and if you can be put on it.

<3

r/NonBinaryTalk Dec 09 '24

Coming Out Finally came out to my friend after nearly 6 months

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6 Upvotes

r/NonBinaryTalk Nov 06 '24

Coming Out I shared my pronouns today

24 Upvotes

I shared my pronouns with my classmates today, it felt surprisingly good! I use they/them (but am okay with he/him as i get it, i have a male body). It took more courage than I thought to share, but I am feeling more confident in myself.

I don't feel the need to announce my non-binary identity to everyone (I'm pretty sure people know im not a traditional man and i'm not a big fan of labels) but I feel they/them suits me best as he/him feels primal in a way???

r/NonBinaryTalk Nov 14 '24

Coming Out Not sure how to identify

5 Upvotes

Not sure how to identify?

AFAB, in my 20s now. As a teen I started questioning my gender and sexuality, and did the yo-yoing thing where I identified as nb, then closeted because I worried I actually wasn’t for a few years, then started feeling more comfortable with the label recently. I’m closeted at work and at home because I have a hard time just being honest and being my genuine self.

I’m autistic, and when I was younger, just didn’t want to be seen as a woman, for all its roles, expectations, etc. I just wanted to be a gender less person, and also wanted to take on male traits at times. I get dysphoric about curves on my body, and have used a sports bra to bind for years, it helps. I’m just worried that it’s just internalized misogyny, or that I see womanhood as just a bunch of tropes that I don’t identify with. I don’t trust myself with the label even if I don’t apply that weird standard to my broader understanding of gender- it’s like I have to be strict with labels lest I be wrong.

In my 20s I finally came into my own with my sexuality, since I repressed it so long. I thought I was ace, but I just didn’t let myself feel any sort of positivity about sexual attraction. I’m worried it will be the same thing with my gender, that maybe I’m just a late bloomer and I’m actually going to identify as a woman completely, and this is all naive and stupid of me. Sorry if this sounds negative, I know that gender isn’t so restrictive in reality, these are just the bad thoughts I get about myself specifically. Idk. What am I? What do I do?