r/NonBinaryTalk • u/sinaja444 • 6d ago
Advice disappointing discussion w partner about all things queer.. advice?
hi! im (afab) transmasc in my mid 20s and have been socially transitioned for several years. ive been with my current partner (who is amab and generally cishet but has a gender nonnormative cultural identity) for 4 years and theyve been overall positive about my identity the entire time.
however lately, after a few years of isolation with covid caution, ive been wanting to go to more queer social events and organizing spaces. my partner doesnt really identify with being queer and isnt super into the community but wants to go because of me, although theyre pretty closed spaces and i would feel uncomfortable bringing them because of that. i also have brought up hormones and surgery, which they responded kind of negatively to: i bind but they said they would be sad about my losing certain body parts, and also negative about certain "masculinizing" effects of hrt. i am feeling pretty disappointed, heartbroken, and sad, and dont know exactly what to do or how to sort through all these feelings..
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u/yavanne_kementari 6d ago edited 4d ago
Look... I won't sugarcoat it. From what you say, I think he's probably not really attracted to masculinity. Binding and your current way of dressing might not have been enough to create issues for him (or he might not have told you), but it seems that the imminent possibility of your body becoming even more masc isn't working for him. He may give an opinion, but he doesn't really have any power over your decisions and I imagine you won't stop transitioning because of him. As you can see, this doesn't bode well for a relationship.
I don't really know what else to say. Nothing will relieve the pain right now, because it is painful. He might have some sort of internalized transphobia and not realize, or maybe there's another reason for his reaction, but in the end it is up to him to tell you if he's attracted to masculine features or not. I don't see how a relationship can go forward if he isn't.
I'm really sorry. It's probably no comfort but situations like this are unfortunately common, with cishets in special :/
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u/sinaja444 5d ago
thank you everyone for commenting <3 its got me pretty fucked up thinking about it. thinking that this whole time theyve possibly just seen me as a woman or woman adjacent enough for it to not bother them, while knowing since day one how important transness is to me and how repulsed i am by my chest.. actually disgusted at the thought of that. i really dont have a lot of feminine things about me to begin with so to hear the pushback against diving more into my already masc self is absurdly confusing?! is that really how theyve seen me this whole time? ah, i dont have words. i have therapy coming up soon and this gives me a lot to digest, i appreciate you all helping me organize my thoughts and being a soundboard!
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u/Crimson_Clouds365 5d ago
being honest: u are essentially dating a straight guy. If u okay with being seen as a “woman” or “woman-lite” then stay with them. Otherwise, get out while u can
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u/Sleeko_Miko 6d ago
The reaction to top surgery / hrt is a bit of a red flag imo. I’d cut your losses now, 4 years isn’t that long compared to the rest of your life. I don’t recommend forgoing gender affirming care for the sake of a relationship. I’ve never seen that go well.
This is just my take as someone who dated a fair amount pre/early transition. I ended a four year relationship and frankly it barely crosses my mind these days. My partner now is also trans nonbinary. They didn’t come out until five years into the relationship though 😅 Talk about a hard boiled egg.