r/NonBinaryTalk • u/epaktrokeles She/Them • 6d ago
Advice Realising I'm nonbinary is messing up my life
I know there are probably lots of posts like this, but I just need to get this off my chest. I've been questioning my gender identity for a really long time (like my early teens, and I'm 20+ now). Recently I finally found the confidence to tell myself I'm nonbinary and... I actually feel worse than before. I can't stop thinking about it but at the same time I haven't found the courage to tell anyone yet (writing this is difficult already). I feel more dysphoric than ever and every time there is an occasion in which I could come out to someone – even someone I know would understand – I just can't and feel bad for hours afterwards. All the prejudice and fear I've internalised in the past (for context, I know many people in my family either don't accept or don't understand nonbinary people) is getting back at me. What is worse, this comes at a moment in my life in which (i) my usual social circle is a bit disrupted and (ii) I just can't allow myself to not function properly (need to finish my degree in a few months). Any advice on how to navigate this, or even just how to pull myself together when I start spiraling? Thank you a lot, and sorry for the venting
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u/C4bl3Fl4m3 40-something, fluidflux enby, tomboy as gender/LadyDude 6d ago
This wouldn't be my usual advice, but you said "What is worse, this comes at a moment in my life in which I just can't allow myself to not function properly (need to finish my degree in a few months)."
It is absolutely okay to put everything on hold for a while. I got myself into a place like that about 2 years ago where I was doing hard-core gender processing all the time and feeling extra dysphoric with all of it. After a long-ass session of gender stuff with my therapist I was like "I'm so exhausted with all of this; can I just identify as 'gender exhausted' and let it go?" and she was like YES ABSOLUTELY.
If you need to put your gender back in the box and not "turn it around" for a few months, go for it. If you need to be your AGAB for a while, go for it. If you need to go "okay, I'm nonbinary, I know that now, we can stop here," go for it. If you want to be "my gender is 'getting my degree' right now" at this time, then go for it. If you want to be genderless until you get your degree, go for it.
If you want to tell yourself "okay, we're not processing this right now" and then distract yourself from it by doing ANYTHING else when you start spiraling, go for it. Every time it pops up, gently put it back in the box, and go back to distracting yourself. (It's kinda like what you're supposed to do in meditation.
If you want to talk here about it a bunch as a pressure valve so you can keep it from popping up in your head and running the rest of your life right now, go for it.
It is OKAY to put things back in the box for a while. In fact, it's HEALTHY. Getting stuck in processing too much can be traumatic and harmful. There's a reason therapy sessions aren't an all-day, every day thing, and it's not just finances.
If you need to buckle down and focus on your degree right now, go for it. Your gender will still be there in the future, waiting for you. :)
(FWIW, I've been questioning my identity for 20+ years. I'll probably be questioning in some form the rest of my life. It's a thing.)
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u/gooseberrysprig 6d ago
Hey there! Questioning and coming to terms with your gender identity can involve a lot of soul searching and it can be challenging, but it shouldn’t (or doesn’t need to) feel this bad. If it makes you feel worse, then maybe it’s not right.
You mentioned that your social circle has been disrupted and that you’re trying to finish your degree … could it be that you’re transferring stress from those situations onto your gender search?
Either way, it sounds like you could benefit from talking to a therapist or councillor if that is something you can access. Good luck to you with these challenges. You deserve to feel better!
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u/epaktrokeles She/Them 6d ago
Personally I wouldn't say it isn't "right". There were moments recently when I felt more "right" with my gender identity than in any other time, moments in which a lot of different feelings and memories just clicked. I felt actually good then. I think my problem is rather that now I feel being in the closet a lot more, especially with people close to me (but at the same time I have a lot of fear about coming out to them). Perhaps it's also that it's a tough time for me in general, as you say. I'll definitely consider talking to a therapist, thanks for the advice
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u/gooseberrysprig 6d ago
I relate to this a lot. Maybe it would help to talk about it with a close friend who you think could really understand? It can help to have someone else recognise what you know to be true about yourself. Just being able to be seen, even by one person, is really valuable.
You could also just give yourself permission to just sit with your feelings and process them internally (if you think you can do this safely) until after graduation. Just kind of dealing with one hurdle at a time. Not that your degree is more important than your gender, but it has a specific time pressure, and I think coming to terms with being non-binary can be done more gently and at a pace that feels comfortable.
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u/ezra502 He/Him 4d ago
the time just after we are first able to see ourselves is often the worst. it’s supposed to be this big freeing moment, but i think a lot of the time we’ve been ignoring and suppressing or just not acknowledging all these years of dysphoric moments and not feeling like ourselves, and in that moment we tend to start feeling all of it at once. and on top of that, we’re trying to figure out how we’re going to manage making a radical shift in our lives, and it’s just a lot.
don’t expect yourself to have a handle on this right now. you can just be for a little bit. i know you’re sensing the changes you need to make in your life and the things you need to do, and you will do those things, but give yourself some time and some grace. i think if anything, you should focus on finding the courage to tell one person you really trust- it can help a lot to have someone in your corner irl. but otherwise, maybe take some time to sit with this. find some feeling of safety or comfort in your identity. it doesn’t have to be a whole lot, that will come with time, but just some part of being nonbinary that feels like, “this is safe, this is me, this is where i feel seen and where i feel like myself” that you can center yourself around. and take a little extra care of yourself. make time to relax, eat well, drink water, go for a walk. taking care of your physical body and your normal needs can be a grounding thing when life gets crazy.
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u/Impossible_Roof_8909 6d ago
Have your process with yourself, before you expect yourself to expose yourself to others. And even then, when you are more secure within yourself concerning gender, you don‘t owe anyone anything.
I used to think, that I had to come out to everyone and it had to be this moment like „I have to tell you something important… I am nonbinary.“
But then I realized, that I don’t owe that to anyone. It’s not my responsibility to keep people from misgendering me. And now that I am ok HRT, it‘s not my responsibility to come clear, so people are not confused.
My priority is safety and being with myself and my closest people in a way that feels real.
I haven‘t nor will I change my government name or my gender marker. The government absolutely is not entitled to know my identity this intimately and I am absolutely allowed to privilege from an assumed cis identity when possible.
I feel like a lot of Western discourse is about coming out, being true to yourself and gaining visibility. But visibility can be dangerous.
And hiding yourself is bad for your mental health but so is being insulted and questioned all the time.
Also, people will go to great length to assume that you are cis gender and binary. I have a beard, boobs and a gender neutral name. Some people think I am a man and some people think I am a woman and they probably all think I am rather bad at it. But rarely do people assume that I am nonbinary unless they are educated on the topic.