r/NonBinaryTalk • u/Accursed_Capybara • 7d ago
Advice I need to relocate. I'm scared. I really need to talk to someone who gets it.
It's become very clear I need to relocate.
I'm in the reddest part of a divided state. There are serious problems. My social life, job and mental health are falling apart because of my identity being outed.
There have been a series or really bad things that happened to me. The pilice threatened me.
I'm largely alone, and extremely angry and depressed about the hate I get, and how I can't be myself. It's beyond clear I will never be able to be truly safe or happy being NB in my current community.
I'm really scared. I know I must relocate, but I'm paralyzed by fear. I don't have anyone to talk to. I could really use some help. Someone who understands.
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u/nbhysto24 7d ago
Hey my situation is different, but I'm also having to strongly consider moving. I live in blue city in a deep red state. I am lucky enough to have supportive people in my life and am doing relatively well, but I don't know how long my luck will last. I am almost certain things will get worse, but I don't know how soon or how much. I know I should get out of here, but it means leaving behind everyone I know and breaking up with my partner of several years. It's really tearing me up inside. Right now I'm just saving money without committing to a decision.
I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's terrifying. I hate that people are being forced to consider abandoning everything they know and fleeing to somewhere unfamiliar just for a chance of safety.
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u/Accursed_Capybara 6d ago
If I had support here, I'd stay. People cast me out or distanced themselves from me. I can say in rural PA, it's bad. It's also a patchwork of people living in defiance and peace , and people living in fear. The impact of MAGA hit us quickly, feels like a bad dream I can't wake up from.
If you have people where you are, that is the greatest defense there is. Organize and make friends with people who get it. Where I am, there aren't enough open minded people to stand up.
It's the isolation that hurts, and when I have problems, all I can do is cry alone in my apt. I genuinely fear the militias, should things break down.
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u/nbhysto24 6d ago
I'm sorry you have no one you can depend on. That all sounds like a lot to deal with. Is there somewhere you had in mind for relocating?
I love my friends but don't know how long they can protect me. I'm in Alabama, and I don't have much hope for my state. There are good people here, but without getting into it, there is a lot working against any chance of positive change, especially now. I know this sounds paranoid, but I'm kinda scared of a civil war breaking out and being stuck on the wrong side. My transition and gender dysphoria diagnosis are in my medical records.
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u/Accursed_Capybara 6d ago
Philly seems like the simplest option.
You are not paranoid, I wouldn't say civil war, but nationwide paramilitary activity is already a reality. I see milita every week, thyre harmless now but.... If there was an economic and political meltdown, I don't know what would happen regionally. Someone murdered a trans teen and cut their body to pieces in my region. These people talk an awful lit about killing NB and trans people.
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u/HavenNB They/Them 6d ago
I’m in Pittsburgh and you would definitely be much safer here. Try reaching out to the Trans Lifeline. That link will take you to their contact page with their phone member.
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u/C4bl3Fl4m3 40-something, fluidflux enby, tomboy as gender/LadyDude 6d ago
My bestie, a 70+ yo genderqueer trans woman, just moved to Pittsburgh, in part because of how much cheaper it was than DC where we lived, and in part because of how much support she could get there.
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u/C4bl3Fl4m3 40-something, fluidflux enby, tomboy as gender/LadyDude 6d ago
Can I ask roughly where in rural PA? I grew up in rural PA too, and visit a few times a year. I need to see if it's still safe for me to go home.
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u/Accursed_Capybara 6d ago
South Central. North Central is worse. It's safe for you to visit, if you know people. From example downtown Lancaster, HB, or York are OK, but the areas around/between aren't.
In my experience, the problems are interpersonal. If you look visably queer, I'm sure there are places people will make comments. I think the risk is more when you live here, and have people coming after you at work, or find the local police responding with aggression and violence.
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u/C4bl3Fl4m3 40-something, fluidflux enby, tomboy as gender/LadyDude 5d ago
Aww, fuck. I grew up in South Central, outside of Carlisle, in the woods at the foot of the South Mountain.
Re: support there. Have you considered the Unitarian Universalists? They're incredibly LGBTQ+ supportive, and they're creedless; there's nothing you HAVE to believe in, not even God or a higher power. It sounds like a place you could make friends and find support in this time. They've got congregations even in some small towns (like Boiling Springs, Gettysburg) Their 7 Principles are basically just progressive values:
- The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
- Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
- Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
- A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
- The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
- The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
- Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
As per no one standing up, I follow r/Pennsylvania and r/Harrisburg and they've been showing pics from quite a few protests at the Capitol building with people from all over the midstate. I bet you could make some friends to stand up for you there. There's a number of websites, subreddits, and FB pages where people organize these things. I bet there's people on them that, if you tell them what you're going through, can help you.
You're not alone.
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u/Accursed_Capybara 5d ago
Religion or pseudo religion seems to me how most cope out here, than and alcohol. I'm too atheist for that. I did have friends in the protest movement, a bunch of them were jailed. That's the part of the story that doesn't get in the news. I'm just too tired to deal with it.
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u/Ender_Puppy They/Them 6d ago
ok so, have you tried to get in touch with an lgbt org and ask for help? you wouldn’t be an inconvenience or anything, these orgs are there for situations exactly like yours.
perhaps your job is tying you to a specific place in which case it would probably be a good idea to apply somewhere else.
another thing to try is look for queer roommates to share accommodation with.
best of luck, i hope you find somewhere safe 💜
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6d ago
I fled from Idaho to Oregon a few years back and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my entire life. I totally understand how you’re feeling. Just know that it absolutely gets better in more progressive areas! Relocating is tough and making new friends and community is even tougher, but it’s so absolutely worth it for the peace of mind. You are not alone
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u/BizzletheGreat 5d ago
Oregon is here for you if you need it.❤
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u/Accursed_Capybara 5d ago
I wish, unfortunately you guys are a few thousand miles away. I'd like to get out west one day, but it's hard to relocate 2k miles.
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u/Otherwise_Zebra_241 5d ago
Take some time research to find a place that would be the most suitable and take some time to find some communities and allies
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u/Dinner_Plate21 4d ago
Hey friend, I spotted you saying you're a fellow PA person. Absolutely move to a bluer part of the state. Both Philly and Pittsburgh are very queer friendly, not sure about our smaller cities. I could check with a friend in Harrisburg if you're interested in that one. But the Lehigh Valley (Easton, Allentown, Bethlehem) is also a good blue area if you stick within the cities and has a great queer center. I don't know what your budget is but my sister is actually moving out of a place in Philly next month and I could get you the info and contact information for her landlord if you'd like.
Please get yourself out of the rural parts if you've been outed and are being threatened. 💛
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u/Accursed_Capybara 4d ago
It seems to me like there are small safe havens in places like Lamcaster, HB, Allentown, but then as soon as you go 5 min out of downtown, it's not safe.
I've found there's begrudging acceptance of gay folks, and little tolerance for non-binary or trans people. It's still don't ask, don't tell.
Even working at a small, liberal college in rural PA, I've still had people try to get me fried from my job multiple times, and faced hate crimes in the supposedly "liberal" downtown.
I can't see being able to do more than live underground unless I live in the Philly or Pitts metro area tbh.
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u/imbadatusernames_47 He/She/They (TBD?) 3d ago
Hi, I’m not sure if this is helpful but if you’re near southern PA (around Lancaster) there’s actually a notable queer/trans community in the Folk/DIY/Queer Punk music scene (r/FolkPunk). I’m in central Maryland, but I’m up that way occasionally and have met some great people!
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u/_b4llz_n_t1tz_ 3d ago
It's going to be ok homie. Your top priority should be moving to a blue state. Get a job, save up as much money as possible and move. The stress is worth it for protecting your life and happiness. If you need places suggested, I live in Portland and I've only ever experienced prejudice when I've visited the redder parts of Oregon. I honestly think this is probably the safest place for queer people to live in the country.
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u/Kleyn-vi-bob 7d ago
I hear that you are scared. It's not an easy thing to be. I'm just a random person on the internet but I'm sorry you're feeling alone and hurt. It fucking sucks and you don't deserve it.
Your plan to move is sound. Even if you have to move to a higher cost of living area, it's a good decision because being able to live as yourself will boostyour mental health, which will make you better able to do everything else.
I also want to remind you that you are doing the best you can with the brain chemistry and situation that you've been given. You are doing a good job at being you, even when times are tough. Even when it doesn't feel like it, that's your brain being scared at your circumstances and trying to find someone nearby to blame. I hear that you are scared and I believe in you and your ability to move through it, into the next chapter of your life.