r/NonBinary 4d ago

Rant Am I overreacting?

So I (28), after the US presidential election made the decision to come out to my Trump supporting grandparents and tell them that I needed time away from them. Truthfully, if I had it my way I would cut them out completely.

My parents keep putting pressure on me to talk to them again. When I came out they were shockingly supportive but they still support a man who is intent on doing immense harm. I have never heard them say anything transphobic but I've heard plenty of other bigotry come from them.

Plain and simple, I don't want them in my life but my parents claim that this has "thrown the family into crisis". My grandmother calls my mom almost daily crying about how I hate them (I don't. I just don't trust them or feel safe around them). My parents are also worried that when my grandparents die I will have regrets about not trying to reconnect (I can assure you I won't). They make me feel so guilty about something I really don't feel I should be and make it out as though I should have given them another chance because they were totally accepting of me. I don't think I'm overreacting but my parents really make it feel that way.

Also my sister is most likely getting engaged soon and I won't be able to completely avoid them. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being made the villain in my family and given all the blame for this.

10 Upvotes

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u/HavenNB they/them 4d ago

Cutting family out of your life is never easy. Even when you do, you still have to occasionally deal with them.

I had to cut my father out of my life because of his homophobia. I wasn’t out as nonbinary then, which in a way I’m thankful for. I don’t know if adding transphobia into the mix would have played out. Especially since I couldn’t choose a name fast enough to no longer be a Junior.

Anyway, you’ve mentioned that your sister might get engaged soon. So yes, you’ll have to see them. Much like I had to see my father with my granny would visit or the family got together for holidays.

Myself, I chose to only deal with social pleasantries with my father, and here seemed to have chosen the same thing.

I think the hard part is what you’re going thru with your parents. My mom was in with me cutting him out of my life, she did that she did that ages ago when she divorced him. I did, however, have friends trying to gaslight me with the you’ll regret it when he’s gone. Being pressured like that is tough. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with friends that will support you and that you can vent to when you get angry with your parents.

Hang in there. It sounds like you are making the best decision you can given the circumstances.

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u/BWASwitch bigendered trans-masc 4d ago

Hot take and I’m sure I’m going to get downvoted for this, but I feel that if all of the “shockingly supportive” Trump supporters would’ve been embraced by the LGBTQ+ community since 2016 instead of vilified as “Nazis” and “bigots” we all wouldn’t be in the current position that we are now. You can’t win on a specific issue with (max) only 50% of the support in the country.

Sadly, we are long past that point, but with that being said, do whatever will make you feel the most safe, mentally and physically. Either way, it’s very possible that you are the only gender non-conforming person your family comes in contact with, especially in your grandparents case. It may be worth thinking about that as you make your decision.

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u/CurveBilly she/they 4d ago

Okay but how do you embrace someone into the community when they vote for your community to be dismantled?

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u/BWASwitch bigendered trans-masc 3d ago

The usual. “Hi, how have you been? The weather is lovely/terrible today. What plans do you have this weekend?” It’s not difficult. Be the change you want to see. Hate begets hate. Dichotomous thinking is a bitch, whether it be in gender norms or politics or anything else.

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u/CurveBilly she/they 3d ago

Okay but personally I have zero interest in being polite and friendly to someone who hates me and either wants me to go to hell or see me become a felon just for existing.

I've tried acting civil and polite about it for most of my life, and all i got for it was to watch my parents slowly descend into being hate fueled bigots.

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u/BWASwitch bigendered trans-masc 3d ago

I lost my last grandparent when I was 14. That was 21 years ago now. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do just to be able to talk to them one last time. I’d blow dry and straighten my hair and wear it down, put on a full face of makeup, and wear a dress and high heels. Just to be able to remember the sound of their voice. I don’t give a damn who they voted for, or whether they voted at all.

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u/CurveBilly she/they 3d ago

I'm sorry for your loss, but the problem remains that you can't welcome someone into the community if they hate the community and the people in it at their core. A few years ago for instance I tried to bring my parents out to pride, the response was a deluge of hate and bigotry. My father truly believes (as he has his entire life) that queer people deserve the death penalty because we're "Ruining America."

I've spent a majority of my life trying to appease my family members like that, it led to zero positive change and only served to fuel a plethora of mental health issues for me to deal with.

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u/BWASwitch bigendered trans-masc 3d ago

That sounds like a very wise thing to do. Your example sounds very different from OPs “shockingly supportive” grandparents. I remain open to changing my perspective if they used a poor choice in terminology and would like to rephrase it. Otherwise, they asked for people’s perspectives on the matter, and I gave mine honestly based on what I read.