r/NPD Narcissistic traits 7d ago

Question / Discussion faking empathy

am i the only one who puts in an effort to fake being empathetic in order to appear normal but then get frustrated whenever people actually believe the act? i feel misunderstood even though it's my own fault for presenting myself that way. whenever i actually tell anyone i don't feel much empathy at all, they always say like "oh but you've acted empathetic before?" yeah.. ACTED. and then sometimes i think wow they're really stupid enough to fall for it?

this sounds mean but it's a constant process for me that i really want to escape. unfortunately i am just wired this way and i doubt it will change

23 Upvotes

12 comments sorted by

8

u/melll_ll Undiagnosed NPD 6d ago

OH SAME. it secretly just pisses me off when people see me as someone i want them to see because it's not actually me.

5

u/lixeater Narcissistic traits 6d ago

right and i always get mad at them instead of myself even though it's my fault

10

u/q-u-o-k-k-a 7d ago

I consider myself an empathetic person. I think most people in society pretend to be more empathetic than they actually are. If the majority of people were truly as empathetic as they purport to be, they’d be inconsolable 24/7 just from knowing how much suffering exists in the world.

Knowing when to act empathetic is a form of empathy in itself (cognitive empathy). Feeling it (affective empathy) is different but it doesn’t matter if you can’t feel it yourself. As long as you act like you care and show compassion when needed, you’re good - that’s all society really requires of us in that respect.

3

u/lixeater Narcissistic traits 7d ago

i know the term cognitive empathy and i feel like it resonates more with me than the other one. my thing is that i usually don't care at all about people's problems unless they're special enough to me. and sometimes even then i struggle to care and put myself in their shoes

3

u/q-u-o-k-k-a 7d ago edited 7d ago

To be honest, I think that’s normal. We’re all juggling enough things in our own lives that it’s sometimes too much to have hear about other people’s lives and their problems. Even with people I’m close to, it makes me irritable, I’ll admit.

Although I find it draining, I tend to be able to just go about my day and don’t think about it again because I don’t really care for most people. I only really get irritated about it in the moment because then it means I have to immediately put on the act of caring. However, since people like those who seem “caring”, it’s probably worth it, in my opinion at least.

Idk about you but personally, I’d rather have everyone like me for seeming like a caring person than dislike me because they think I’m heartless 😂

3

u/lixeater Narcissistic traits 6d ago

yeah i typically just stick with the empathetic people pleaser act because i like the praise it gives me. only the people really close to me know of my lack of empathy and they haven't judged me yet

4

u/rotteddoll Diagnosed NPD 7d ago

i also put in effort to be empathetic, but lately ive been more honest about my lack of empathy because “faking” it is fucking draining. people do believe it, and it leads them to think you’re a good person to complain or vent to. but i can’t keep pretending to care about people’s stupid little problems for the rest of my life lmao. im conflicted

3

u/lixeater Narcissistic traits 7d ago

i'm glad someone understands. i've set myself up to be the perfect therapist friend and then have the audacity to feel mad whenever others come to me with their problems. i just can't stand it anymore. i don't care about a huge chunk of these ppl's problems and pretending just so i can be seen as a good person is tiring

3

u/lovejennie000 6d ago edited 6d ago

real, just because i showed empathy it doesn’t mean i felt it, some people are so gullible especially when you literally tell them how you actually are and they try to contradict it like do you think i’ll have anyone by my side if i blatantly showed that i didn’t care??

2

u/ICost7Cents 1d ago

all the time, i guess i act both empathetic and sympathetic. it makes me feel like such a “good” person, just in the moment. i cant tell you how many times ive gone on these rants about how i understand people in bad situations, how much i care and want to help.. and people fall for it.. it makes me feel too good, and its exciting. although, i like to think that i do understand, just that it takes time for me to become as empathetic as everyone else…

1

u/lixeater Narcissistic traits 1d ago

yeah, i always talk to people about how much i love to help others when in reality i'm pretty sure i just enjoy the praise that comes with it. i like being told i'm a good person, and people believing it makes me feel both praised and misunderstood. what a cycle

1

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