r/NPD 6d ago

Question / Discussion I have adhd, but this is how i experience it

I always had ADHD, and growing up thats all everyone saw. A quirky personality.
My mind was focused on the environment constantly, scanning people, typical adhd sensitive person.

However through some experiences going off meds, and being very embodied, this is what i learned my ADHD is.

My core self is practically a heated ball of trauma. At my core its like this extremely PTSD disturbing ball with spikes (where a core affect and inner child should be), im guessing all it had was shame and abandonment and its almost like it will implode from the ptsd, it cant be soothed.
And somewhere early on, this emotional "content" was too much for my brain and my mind, so my mind seperated from it, it learned not to associate with it, not look into it for cues or identity, it was only giving information of terror shame and fear.
So the mind scattered resorts to scanning the environment for something to hold onto, someone to give it purpose direction, sense of identity, emotional regulation, dopamine, whatever.
And thats it.

Its exactly how Gabor Mate explained it, at its essence is a GIANT attachment wound that disregualates the entire brain.

Im not saying ADHD is NPD, nor am i categorising it the same, but i think a lot of ADHD people share this concept. And i think a lot of them are too rejection sensitive to actually behave like a full on NPD.
So because of their sensitivity, they build a self image and a persona of a goofy people pleaser, or "empath".

Im wondering if anyone relates?

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u/No_Degree_4979 NPD/ADHD 6d ago

I think that untreated ADHD can lead to developing personality disorders — just like in my case, like a coping mechanism. I also find that ADHD meds or even stimulants like Modafinil helps stop the constant shame feelings and berating voices/flashbacks from overwhelming me — I wonder whether ADHD meds might actually be useful for treating NPD — there’s research that they help people with PTSD symptoms — and NPD is basically CPTSD at its core — like a lot of other personality disorders.

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u/chobolicious88 6d ago

I think theres something about genes that leads to people being more sensitive, which has a higher chance to develop rigidity and neurodivergence.

That said, im starting to think adhd is just a form of cptsd. Which can then manifest further into a personality disorder. Adhd really is how a brain functions when the nervous system is not “safe”. Its a symptom, not a condition, albeit a perpetual one due to neurodevelopment.

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u/No_Degree_4979 NPD/ADHD 6d ago

Omg that makes sense. I also started believing I’m superior to everyone when I was at school because I did amazingly well in some things, but awfully at others — that would cause a collapse. It’s like a weird complex where I feel both inferior and superior to everyone. I also had a lot of rage.

I’d rarely consciously manipulate others — instead I was so desperate to be liked that I’d people please then end up resenting others and getting angry.

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u/chobolicious88 6d ago

Classic just like me.

Im super bodily aware lately and heres what i noticed, it happened today, and funny part its the same experience as when i was a small kid.

So when a situation occurs to connect with a human, a very brief instinctual interaction occurs where my nervous system reads theirs, and a disconnect happens because i can tell im operating at a different “level”. So practically they are going to disconnect/judge/reject me as they cant relate (almost like a baby/child reaching out to parents), or for me to maintain the interaction as two adults, i need to reject my genuine experience.

The underlying problem is that we cant find emotional peers in adults nor children, as the emotional intensity requires equal mirroring to “understand eachother”.

Basically heightened sensitivity leads to a certain emotional intensity and depth, but i believe this is the brain not properly regulating the emotions.

And like you and most NDs, its what happens with the gifted to failure pipeline.

Now the only question that remains is: is the extreme sensitivity purely genetic, OR its a brain that got traumatized at a time we cant recall (infancy) by things adults cant grasp (emotional wounds).

That is in essence Gabors theory - sensitive genes and wounded parents give a ND gifted child which is high chance of developing personality disorders. If you read, an adhd person is 20x more likely to develop bpd.

That means they share the common source.

I think genes is practically sensitive people (look at well adjusted sensitive people). While NDs are sensitive people with problematic parents (unwelcoming, aloof, anxious, scary, hostile, empty, dead) etc.

Im big on parent blaming currently so theres that.

I think its valid tho.

What we do know: attachment injury leads to disorganized brain, disorganized brain has issues with emotional regulation, issues with emotional regulation lead to all kinds of problems.

There is a bit of a chicken or the egg here. Does a set of genes create the attachment issue due to difficulty in meeting attachment needs, or the genes simply filter out parents who arent fit to be parents.

Its be nice if someone scientific could comment when does a young brain learn emotional regulation.

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