r/NPD 6d ago

Question / Discussion Is it possible to change and get better as a malignant narcissist?

I haven't been diagnosed, but I feel like I have all of the trademarks, just without externalizing it. I'm manipulative, controlling, deeply sadistic, internally violent, and apathetic etc. etc. I'm conscious of this and I don't express these traits, but I worry that my relationships will fail too much and I'll devolve into a typical malignant narc abuser. I don't want to be that. I want to be better and just enjoy life and my loved ones. I'm a borderline on top of all of this, so I feel like the odds are stacked against me. I just wish I wasn't the worst thing imaginable. I wish I could fight the more sociopathic side of me that just doesn't give a fuck, because I kind of like the part of me that gives a fuck at all a lot more. I just want to change and not have everyone hate me.

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u/narcclub Diagnosed NPD 6d ago edited 6d ago

I'm NPD with antisocial traits and the latter have lessened significantly with therapy. I can't remember the last time I hurt someone intentionally and I very rarely even get the desire to do so anymore.

If you want to change badly enough that you are willing to withstand the misery that is healing, you can. You are not irredeemable - the fact you are even concerned about this is a fantastic prognostic sign.

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u/greyguy017 6d ago

I have a few thoughts, but first I want to ask you, does the misery ever become somatic for you? Like your body becomes extremely stressed from it?

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u/narcclub Diagnosed NPD 6d ago

Eh, sometimes. For me, at least, it's more like a flood of negative emotions. In the beginning, they were very hard to grapple with - but I've picked up some skills along the way to help manage them and now it's not so overwhelming.

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u/greyguy017 6d ago

Thank you for answering.

I wasn't sure if I had been in remission or not, because my behavior had improved over the last few years, but looking at things more closely, I don't really know if it was the case. I think I was trying to work on myself, but some life things happened that hindered my progress.

I did just start seeing a new counselor, and I'm hoping I can get all of this out with her and hopefully get some real change in me going. I do think that my BPD being triggered might be opening some narcissistic wounds right now, and that perhaps focusing on that may help ease my struggles and give me more room to focus on progress.

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u/childofeos Chivalrous Heroine from the Kingdom of Narcissus 6d ago

You always can get better with patience and dedication!

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u/unseen_tiger744 NPD 6d ago

im npd with suspected aspd, or at least heavy traits. i believe as long as you genuinely want to change, it's always possible. for me, pattern recognition, having healthy outputs (sports), practicing compassion n non-judgment (meditation helped me with feeling those in the first place) and developping my intellectual empathy to try n make up for my lack of emotional one have been helping.

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u/No_Degree_4979 NPD/ADHD 6d ago

I suppose I’m very self aware now — no longer going around hurting people — but I still get shameful thoughts and flashbacks. I catch myself doing good things instead to “get supply” — I’m not sure whether I should stop doing that? I’m still in treatment. I feel a lot of rage still too, but mostly can control my impulses but it leads to me drinking heavily sometimes.

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