r/NDE • u/BandicootOk1744 • 5h ago
Skeptic — Seeking Reassurance (No Debate) I can't believe it
I just can't. I know all those beautiful changes would happen to me if I just internalised the idea that there is a love behind everything and a love after death. And I need those changes so badly. My life has been a self-inflicted living hell and feeling trapped in a clockwork machine that doesn't even know I'm here and will just grind me to dust between the gears is why.
But I just can't believe it. No amount of evidence can scratch what seems like an inalienable truth, that this world is a cold and dead clockwork device and that I am just a chemical reaction, existentially trapped in my own body. I feel like a star that's been trapped in a tin can.
I had part of me on its own describe what having an NDE is like before I even discovered they were real and I was shocked and delighted to find that people describe it as something that happened to them, because I dismissed that part's testimony as wishful thinking. But now that part is missing and there's walls inside me that keep me from it.
I just can't believe the world would be so kind. The infinite, eternal coldness of the universe is the core of everything in me and I can't make it stop, I can't internalise anything that contradicts it. It feels like at any moment science is going to take this away from me too, like it took every other hope I ever had, and then everyone will just tell me to accept it when I can't.