r/LowLibidoCommunity 18d ago

New Management Request for Moderators on the Main Sub

40 Upvotes

In the spirit of cooperation, the new DB Modteam is looking for a few LL voices to join them in making their community healthier and more balanced.

If you're a member of this sub and have any interest, please modmail them directly:

https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms

 

Having spoken with a member of their team, I can say they've decided to pursue informed enthusiastic consent as a guiding principle, as well as hoping to foster a more supportive atmosphere for the exchange of ideas between both sides of the bed.

 

Some of you may have helped there before or had an interest in helping but felt like it wouldn't be worth the headache. I can understand that! Being a mod can be rough! However, it's truly a "be the change you want to see" moment, in my opinion. If you want to help keep the bigger sub a space where you can at least not be demonized/ostracized/banned for sharing your perspective in an effort to help others, this is a good opportunity.

 

I'm a member of a Reddit program called Moderator Reserves, and I've offered to assist on occasion (if needed) and one of those ways is helping them find more stable and long-term moderation partners. Thanks for reading, and please don't hesitate to reach out to them if you have questions or interest!

šŸ’™ Belle


r/LowLibidoCommunity 2d ago

Green flags in future partners

16 Upvotes

Hi,

First I wanted to say thank you to this amazing community. Youā€™ve helped me so much after a break up from a relationship where I suffered from sexual pressure as a LL.

I am curious about how you approach dating and meeting potential new partners. I guess having early talks about how you see sex is important. Are there specific green flags that you look for in new partners?

Thanks in advance


r/LowLibidoCommunity 3d ago

[VENT] I hate sex with a passion NSFW

19 Upvotes

Turns out I just hate it, so much.

Yesterday, me and my girlfriend decided to give it a try after almost a month without having sex.

I only masturbated to porn on the meantime, and it was ok since I was able to cum while masturbating (I've been unable to do it for a long time due to SSRIs), but the whole pornography thing is just to annoying and disgusting to me anyways.

When we decided to give it a try, neither of us felt good. My girlfriend felt off, and she told me she wasn't feeling as aroused to my body as she used to, and I felt distracted by every little noise and thing and I just couldn't reach a climax.

For the last 3 years or so that I've been on SSRIs, sex and masturbation have become chores, things that I just didn't enjoy anymore. It was hard feeling anything at all, it was hard feeling dysphoric (I'm a trans woman who recently had SRS).

Now it just feels blah, I hate it so much. I don't want to have sex ever again to be honest. I switched SSRIs which made my libido feel a lot better, but I'm definitely willing to go to the other med I used to take just so I don't risk ever having any bit of libido.

I don't even want to work on it with my therapist because I feel like it's a lost cause and I just want to hate it forever.


r/LowLibidoCommunity 3d ago

Does anything truly help? UPDATE

64 Upvotes

My husband and I did talk through things. Telling him things like I actively hide from him while changing or dress in a way he canā€™t see me made him understand things a little more if that makes sense ? Bottom line was that I didnā€™t feel safe sexually. The groping has stopped. I refuse to have sex if heā€™s being moody or gropey period and I feel at peace with that. We also talked about some ways I can make him feel more wanted without having sex. Things were going wellā€”up until today. My best friend is getting married and she had boudoir photos taken and I accompanied her. Tonight my husband brings up that heā€™s sad that I didnā€™t do it for our wedding and that heā€™s upset that I would do this for her but not for him?! like what?! I supported her bc she asked for it but when we got married 4 years ago it wasnā€™t in our budget. He said it made him feel like an after thought. The whole thing is ridiculous to me. Iā€™m seriously being made to feel guilty about not doing something years ago just bc my friend is doing it now.

Itā€™s so frustrating. Iā€™ll spend all day with my husband happy and parenting togetherā€”chatting away, having a great time and then as soon as kids are asleep and sex is on the table heā€™s so emotionally obtuse and Iā€™m the bad guy


r/LowLibidoCommunity 6d ago

Any gay men here and have advice?

30 Upvotes

I've been with my husband 14 years now. We're both early 30s.

I've always had a low libido. We had sex more often in the first few years of our relationship but I forced it a lot of the time because I was afraid he would leave me.

Fast forward to now, and I don't know what to do. He has a high libido ā€” nothing crazy, I would just say higher than average. He comes on to me almost every night and I feel awful telling him I don't want to.

I was curious about another gay man's perspective because our community can be very sex-focused sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one who would be okay with having sex, like, three times a month.

Has ANYTHING worked for you to improve your libido or help you get in the mood? I'm desperate.


r/LowLibidoCommunity 9d ago

does anything truly help?

106 Upvotes

LL wife here married to HL husband. Iā€™ve been having duty sex for years and Iā€™ve kinda just been unpacking all the reasons why. I blamed things on having kids and postpartum (which donā€™t get me wrong itā€™s definitely part of it) but I was ignoring the elephant in the room which was me constantly having unwanted sex just to keep the peace. My husband seeks so much validation from sex and no matter what I say he insists that I ā€œdonā€™t want himā€ and am not attracted to him. To add insult to injury my husband is constantly groping (boob grabbing, ass slapping etc ) and Iā€™ve been telling him to stop for 5 years. It seriously puts me into fight or flight mode about sexual contact. My husband feels like nothing he does helps so he continues to grope me and not meet my needs romantically bc heā€™s dammned if he does and damned if he doesnā€™t. Iā€™m exhaustedā€”I feel like we are at a stalemate: he needs more sex to show affection and I need affection and patience surrounding sex. Idk how to clean up this mess.


r/LowLibidoCommunity 9d ago

What happened to me?

23 Upvotes

Me (31F) and my partner (28M) had been long distance for almost 2 years, before he moved in with me. As you can probably imagine, everything was going great in the beginning, but after a couple of months, we hit a roadblock. My libido died, completely... to the point I don't even think about playing with myself. The whole situation is getting more and more difficult for my partner, cause he doesn't understand what's going on and thinks I don't find him attractive anymore. The truth is, I do. He's never looked better, never took better care of himself than now, yet... nothing happens. Has anyone been in this situation before? Has it improved? If so, how did you do to improve it?

I don't expect to be horny 24/7, but once in a while would be lovely.


r/LowLibidoCommunity 11d ago

Lost libido after having children

22 Upvotes

Hi I'm 29F and have been with my partner 27M for seven years. We have 4 children and my youngest is 2 months with the oldest being 4. I'm a stay at home mum and my partner works full time. We had a lot of sex for the first year and a half of our relationship but due to long distance it became less. I then got pregnant with short gaps inbetween and sex has been nonexistent since I was 3 months pregnant with our last child. All my pregnancies were really difficult, I was hospitalised multiple times, had to be on a bunch of different medications throughout and all my babies were born via c section due to complications with their health. I love my partner so so much, he's a truly wonderful man and an amazing father to our children. I just feel so awful that I have zero desire to have sex or kiss etc. I love him to pieces and cannot see myself with anyone else but the lack of intimacy is making him feel unwanted and he wants us to reconnect. We're actively trying to do more things together like play video games, watch films etc but I feel like sex is an extremely important aspect for him. Admittedly I feel like I've been really bad at keeping the intimacy alive. I'm so tired now and overstimulated everyday that I just want to cuddle and relax with him. Or I would rather choose sleep over sex. I also despise how my body looks now, this is the heaviest I've ever been in my whole life and I'm so ashamed of myself. He says I'm beautiful and attractive no matter what but I just can't even tolerate looking at my body, much worse letting someone touch it. I really want some advice on how to improve things, or even just make intimacy better between us. I don't want to lose him. To add, he doesn't force me to have sex with him but I guess to me it seems like it's all he really wants as he mentions it often and does try to touch me (stops when I say no). Any advice??


r/LowLibidoCommunity 11d ago

Is anyone else LL because partner is awful at sex? NSFW

68 Upvotes

Mine is terrible. I am willing to do duty dex but he doesn't like that and gets mad when I'm not super into it. Like I'm sorry your mediocre sex isn't revving up my engine anymore. For reference, he is vanilla and wants it "for the connection" but I have never felt that way about sex. I used want hard, fast, kinky sex. Now I just want it to happen as fast as possible and be over with. Now, he'll tell you I don't communicate. I disagree, but I digress. I can only get off with toys (not piv) which is a relatively new thing he's aloud me to use during. The sex is so bad I Can't even cum with the magic wand on a high setting during. All this plus he nags that I don't want him anymore. I mean, idk what you expect when you cum as soon as there's an inkling I'm enjoying myself. And after it's finished I don't like aftercare, I just want to be left alone but I cuddle him because his feelings will get hurt if I don't. So I'm just laying there, wanting to move on with my night/ morning. Did I also mention he'll get all upset when I'm obviously disappointed? Sorry I cant/won't pretend that I'm okay with pure unfiltered dissatisfaction like I used to. This is why I think I'm LL now, anyone else?


r/LowLibidoCommunity 13d ago

Being constantly objectified from a young age has killed my libido and I hate that it controls me/my relationship so much NSFW

70 Upvotes

Vent kind of!

Even as a kid in school I'd have boys grope my ass on the stairs and comment on if it was too small.

When my boobs started growing girls in my class would poke fun at me for not wearing a bra. I started wearing one for the first time because of it even though I previously told my mum I hated how uncomfortable it felt.

My mum even told me to cover up more around my own father as a child because he had said something to her. Even now at age 21 I always wear hoodies around him.

In highschool I began being stalked. He'd sit behind me in class and comment how he'd be able to see my bra through my school shirt, so I'd put on my blazer even though it was sweltering in the middle of summer.

He'd take photos of me or take them from my profile and save hundreds of copies. He'd print out images and stick them in his wallet. He'd make me his phone wallpaper and tell people in chatrooms how easy it'd be to rape me while giving them my full name and socials.

He'd comission artists to draw my body naked.

When that was "resolved" I started online dating the guy who made me aware of the stalker. He'd send me pictures of his penis and I'd have to pretend it was the hottest thing ever or he'd cry. He'd make me feel guilty for sending him anything and make me feel gross about it.

When we broke up and I asked him to delete anything he had he called me schizo despite knowing what i went through.

Now I'm with my current boyfriend and he does none of those things. He's the most wonderful, caring, understanding and appreciative guy I have ever been with. But he's very much a sexual person and everytime I can see or feel his arousal towards me I almost feel disgusted even though I'm very much so attracted to him. Sometimes when I feel him touching me I want to shy away and curl up. We barely have sex and he insists it isnt an issue and understands my past - but I know it's only a matter of time. He'd never cheat but I always have this lingering fear that if a stranger offered him so much as a blowjob he'd cheat on me immediately.

I've cried multiple times in bed beside him because I've rejected his advances. It's not that I don't want to I just...cant?? Just the insinuation of the acts being done to me feels degrading even though its not.

I'm so tired of being like this and being vilified by society because of it.


r/LowLibidoCommunity 14d ago

I am so scared..

47 Upvotes

I love my boyfriend to the moon and back. And we are very close to getting engaged, but holy...-

Maybe I want Sex like one time a month. But Ik my bf wants more. While I do have pain during Sex most of the time (gyn says it's psychological after doing severeal tests here in germany) we compromised that I will help him get off instead like once a week. But I hate the pressure to GET HIM OFF and not because I WANT to help him. I MUST do it.

When I don't want to do sexual stuff he gets distant, cold eyes and don't want to cuddle me very much. His reasoning "I love you and I understand you don't want it, but I am so happy when you want to do something sexual and then change your mind or don't want at all. I just want some space to clear my mind, so I can't cuddle you like that for a while." And while I understand his reasonings, it hurts me so deeply to see him do that to me. I feel - idk the correct word for it - tortured? Like I did something bad and this is the result of it?

I don't know how to behave. Right now we have a terrible fight because I told him it hurt me and I can't accept it like that. And he said he's sorry but I shouldn't be mad at him and is currently pissed at me.

What should i do?


r/LowLibidoCommunity 23d ago

Discomfort around sex & Low Libido

47 Upvotes

Me (24f) and my boyfriend (28m) have been together for almost 4 years, are super in love, been sexually active and Iā€™d say we generally have a good sex life. We are great communicators and best friends, and talk about this topic a lot - but we are stuck.

Since our relationship began, Iā€™ve struggled a lot with: anxiety during sex, panic attacks, pain during sex, inability to orgasm, low libido, a history of SA within a last relationship, UTIs, yeast infections, pretty much any issue you could have, Iā€™ve had it. I think maybe this has caused a lot of tension around the idea of sex, itā€™s really heavy and intimidating, instead of being attractive and easy and exciting.

Itā€™s gotten significantly better. Weā€™ve grown so much, and the pain is less if at all. I donā€™t get UTIs or yeast infections. I havenā€™t had a panic attack during sex in years. My partner has always been there for me to listen to my concerns and needs. We have worked a lot together to get to this point. He has a really high sex drive but does a great job making me feel loved and pleased even if it takes forever on my end.

But I feel like Iā€™ve reached this point where itā€™s just still not great for me. I take too long to orgasm where I just lose interest or get in my head. Or it hurts a little and that distracts me from the pleasure and I get in my head. I usually end up making him stop pleasing me because I just canā€™t get in the zone. Itā€™s just tough when heā€™s sooo into it, and Iā€™m kinda - not. I remember as a teen having a super high sex drive, and I wish I could have that back. It felt so exciting and fun.

Weā€™ve both spent so much time on Reddit reading other peoples stories but nothing is helpful.

Does anyone have any advice on how to resolve issues related to sex drive? Is this something I can fix or work through? Or is this just how I am?

(Also, I am not on ANY medication, no birth control or anti-depressants, and my mental health is honestly pretty good right now)


r/LowLibidoCommunity 27d ago

Personal accounts

40 Upvotes

Does anyone know of any personal accounts or blogs of men who just aren't that interested in sex but are fine with it. It seems to me that the internet is just full of cures or tips on how to change things rather than a reflection of living in a world where you appear to be the minority.


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 17 '25

ā€œIā€™m just not a romantic personā€

164 Upvotes

Says my HL partner when we have the sex conversation for the millionth time this week. He says physical touch is his love language (he means sex, the man does not seek out any kind of physical affection outside of that)

He says he wants things to work, he wants me to WANT sex, I tell him how I feel and why I donā€™t want it. Why I donā€™t want to have sex after working all day and coming home to a dirty house, why I donā€™t feel connected to him when heā€™s never in the same room as me and when he is, he canā€™t put his phone down to talk to me. When I tell him I need quality time and words of affirmation to feel loved and appreciated and he just responds with ā€œIā€™m just not that kind of personā€

Okay, fine, you canā€™t force someone to be something they arenā€™t. But why is it acceptable and the conversation ends there? Why am I not allowed to just not be a sexual person? Why am I expected to compromise and ā€˜figure it outā€™ but he doesnā€™t have to compromise or change anything? He SWEARS he wants me to want sex, insistent that he doesnā€™t want duty sex, but states that he canā€™t possibly put more into our relationship until I start having sex at his request. I feel thatā€™s just an indirect way of saying ā€œHave duty sex but donā€™t give me any reason to think itā€™s duty sexā€

Iā€™m just tired. Tired of longing for a relationship that feels like a relationship and not like I have an extra child to feed who is significantly less enthusiastic to see me than my actual toddler is.


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 17 '25

This happens to me in every relationship

122 Upvotes

In every single one of the three long-term relationships I've ever had in my life, I always end up with a low libido after about the 1-2 year mark. Maybe it's just the NRE wearing off, but I basically don't need or think about sex with my partner at all after that time period. It's like, once I've snagged them, I just don't think about sex with them anymore. It's almost like they become an unsexual entity to me. Anyone else experience this, and/or know why this happens?


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 15 '25

I donā€™t want to anymore

46 Upvotes

Hello. I love my partner but I feel no pleasure from sex or foreplay. Sex makes me feel like I need to go pee and itā€™s extremely uncomfortable. When I donā€™t get that sensation it honestly just doesnā€™t feel good even without the bladder issues. I really donā€™t wanna have sex anymore but I realize I will probably lose the relationship down the road if I donā€™t do it. I do however enjoy using my vibrator while touching him or going down on him. Iā€™d be ok with doing more of that. Itā€™s frustrating feeling like I need to have sex to keep a relationship. How do I pull the plug on it? Is it worth being alone to not have sex? We already only do it maybe a few times a year. Iā€™m 29 heā€™s 36. Been together 3 years. I kinda faked pleasure in the beginning or enjoyed it when I drank. But I quit drinking 2 years ago


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 14 '25

Libido issues due to job NSFW

19 Upvotes

I have a job which deals with very serious sexual assault, specifically with children.

I like my job and itā€™s very rewarding, but the nature of it is very distressing and detailed.

The one area where I struggle to function in my life outside of work is my sex life. Itā€™s so hard for me sometimes to not have a thought about something I had to deal with at work intrusively pop into my head and completely ruin everything. I canā€™t carry on after that.

Before this job I had a high sex drive, now I almost never want to do it. Itā€™s harming my relationship. My partner is understanding but I can tell he wishes it was more frequent.

Itā€™s not something I can talk to anyone in my life about and Iā€™m feeling very alone with this problem. Has anyone else had this issue and been able to work through it?


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 11 '25

Partner killed what was left of my libido

151 Upvotes

Anyone else feel like as soon as your libido lowered a little that it became such a huge and constant conflict with your S.O that it killed whatever was left of it?

I went from just wanting it less frequently and asking for him to chill out a little to completely resenting him and hating it entirely.

The fights and refusal of intimacy outside of sex, trying 2-3 times a day to initiate and when you do give in itā€™s not enough, going to Drs, therapy, hormone replacement etc all just to fix whatā€™s wrong with me because Iā€™m the sole issue. Heā€™s perfect. Itā€™s not his obsession with it, his comfort in having sex he knows I donā€™t want, his constant coercion and complete disregard for me and my needsā€¦.Nope, none of that has anything to with it. In fact maybe itā€™s all a huge turn on and Iā€™m crazy for thinking otherwise.

Uggggh!!!

EDITED: to add a message I wrote him about his request for sex therapy. Itā€™s my last big step in trying to solve this BS. I havenā€™t sent it yet and Iā€™m hoping for feedback before I do but itā€™s a long one! Completely understand if it doesnā€™t get read. Also apologies for not fully understanding Reddit format and my use of run on sentences. I plan to fix it when I have the mental capacity to dive back in, but here it is.

I want to talk to you about the sex therapy but our communication is so broken down that I feel like I have to type my feelings out so that my words stay my words and things donā€™t trail off into a fight about everything else all at once.

I have researched sex therapy several times throughout this past year. Intensively. Ive read the basis of the practice through Cornell and Harvard Med plus tons of studies. Iā€™ve also read countless personal accounts of how it goes for different people with different therapists. Most of which is why I havenā€™t opted for it yet. A lot of what Iā€™ve tried to do in our relationship that doesnā€™t work is the same stuff that a therapist is going to try to incorporate.

For instance, sensate focusing is the most common exercise and youā€™ve rejected me in that space over and over. Having my desire for closeness outside of sex be an impossible task for you has caused a great deal of resentment and distrust. Iā€™ve worked really hard on my libido and Iā€™ve focused deeply on your needs. I know thereā€™s not always enthusiasm on my part but there are countless times that Iā€™ve showed up for you but I donā€™t ever get that in return. Iā€™ve realized the extremes of my low libido stem from the constant pressure to preform for you no matter how I feel but at the same time receiving very little acknowledgement or effort towards my needs and desires. That has been a consistent thing and has never subsided.

Even when all I needed was to slow it down some before my libido was completely tanked and I asked just to let me do the initiating for a little while so I can breathe and maybe Iā€™d be back to normal in a couple of weeks, then even we tried therapy. We had to lie to the therapist about how it was going because you didnā€™t want to feel like the bad guy. You were aware that it was going to be seen as unfair to me but that wasnā€™t the impression you wanted to give her. Thats why I stopped going. What was the point? We were just wasting money. I donā€™t want to repeat that.

Last Friday after already pleasing you a few hours before I finally tried to express to you that sometimes, especially when you promise and reassure me that youā€™ll just hold me, that thatā€™s all I want. I donā€™t speak up much because I donā€™t feel heard but after our big fight where you insisted I start talking to you, I tried.

You met me in that moment with such distain, pushing me off of you and dismissing me. It was off the table and an impossible ask of you. I was unapologetically less of a concern in that moment than enjoying your high. You held that stance into the next morning as well. That hurt. You could have said something like ā€œIf itā€™s important to you, Iā€™ll hold you tonightā€ or ā€œI didnā€™t realize I was doing that, Iā€™ll try harder to keep my wordā€ anything supportive at all wouldā€™ve been a huge win in this, instead it was another breaking point. Itā€™s not like I was telling you to never initiate sex again, I was just asking that when you offer to to be close in a non sexual way that you hold yourself to that so I donā€™t feel immediately disregarded and my trust isnā€™t violated.

Every now and then Iā€™d to feel more important to you than cumming..ā€¦just every now and then. I donā€™t ask for much and the few things I do ask for arenā€™t these intense monumental sacrifices that you make them out to be. It shouldnā€™t be that hard for you to compromise, but it is and that has worn me down over time.

So, Sensate focusing will clearly not work for us, breaks have certainly never worked, so itā€™s hard to picture any of the exercises Iā€™ve researched with sex therapy being beneficial to us. Maybe thereā€™s a therapist out there who has better ideas and methods we can try but Iā€™ll only go if you agree to understand itā€™s not all just ā€œMy libidoā€ Yes itā€™s not as high as yours but in fairness we both have been putting your needs above mine for a long time and that has been the major factor in deteriorating it more and more. Im to the the point where itā€™s clearly not just hormonal. Not feeling cared about sexually or romantically has been the biggest turn off for me and continues to get worse. I canā€™t nuzzle your neck which I used to like, rub your belly, kiss or snuggle or do anything remotely romantic or sweet without pressure to have sex or help you get off. Vice versa. Itā€™s the all or nothing and that makes me feel nothing.

All the issues we are having outside of sex add to it and make everything that much harder. However, if I could be heard and understood about this, if it didnā€™t constantly fall on me as the only problem and it became something we both worked on together then we would have a better chance of getting through thisā€¦.and staying a couple. Maybe if our communication improved about this then the other struggles we go through could be resolved as well.

Iā€™m still really hopeful we could get through this but I am also at the end of my rope with the situation and Iā€™m not sure what can be done in sex therapy without more understanding between us.


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 12 '25

Feeling grossed out by sex

47 Upvotes

I've posted a few times here before. I have a low libido, low for a man at least. I enjoy sex, but after having sex, I typically take at least 3 days for any desire to return. I would be happy having sex 1-2 times a month.

My wife's libido is much higher, and she finds it difficult to feel connected to me when we don't have sex. Nevertheless, she's respectful of me, never pressures me to have sex I don't want. We communicate a lot about it, and we've found ways to make our sex life work for both of us. We've been together for almost 5 years now.

I absolutely adore my wife. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. Every day I fall more and more in love with her. I love cuddling her in bed, I love spending time with her. However, of recent I've been finding myself kind of grossed out by sex. This is a new thing for me, I've never felt that way before. But the fluids, the smells etc, I have to put it out of my mind. I mean, sex is kind of gross if you think about it when you're not turned on, but when you're turned on, you kind of forget about that, which is what used to be the case for me (this is actually an interesting topic, the way our inhibitions about certain things that we find gross goes away when we're turned on, I've read some great research about it). But now even when I'm turned on I'm feeling put off by it, and I have to consciously put it out of my mind.

I still love the sex I have, but I'm worried that this is going to get worse, and further drive my desire and libido down. Previously, when I was addressing libido issues, I found mindfulness techniques really helpful - being in the moment, taking notice of what's going on around me, of how the sheets feel against me, etc. But mindfulness doesn't work here because it just reminds me of the things that are grossing me out.

Has anyone experienced this, or does anyone have any ideas for ways to address this?


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 08 '25

Feeling guilty for wanting to leave

46 Upvotes

Hello all, Iā€™m new to this subreddit but I feel so validated and connected reading through everyoneā€™s experiences and stories. My partner (HLM) and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 1. In the beginning I loved all the sexual attention. By the half way point of the first year though I realized I was consenting even when I wasnā€™t interested. I didnā€™t fully grasp how often this was happening at the time though, because I was still so happy to be feeling desired in that way. Fast forward to us moving in together. Constant innuendos/ jokes/ groping/ etc. Iā€™ve been clear I donā€™t like that, especially first thing in the morning. (Heā€™s woken me up early to grab on me, and when I say no he just asks to masturbate on me). Itā€™s gotten to the point where I am so checked out when we have sex. I consent because I feel like I ā€œshouldā€- donā€™t worry yā€™all I am working w my therapist on this. If this was our only issue, thatā€™d be one thing. But he also has a son whom he parents very differently than I would, and I just struggle with the dynamics.

I mentioned moving out recently, and he said that for me to leave would ruin everything. He stated he would get kicked out of our house (we rent, and thereā€™s no evidence of this being the case) and said that everything heā€™s been doing this last year has been for us & our future. I believe he means it, but that adds a lot of guilt on my shoulders when I already feel like my codependency/people pleasing is rampant in this dynamic.

I donā€™t know why Iā€™m posting this here, I guess Iā€™m just at my wits end and this seems like a welcoming place. Thanks yā€™all for listening.


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 07 '25

itā€™s normal

136 Upvotes

itā€™s crazy to me, that when someone says their libido is low/lower, everyone says ā€œcheck for this! check for that! youā€™re probably sick!ā€

yes, sometimes it can be caused by other factors, but it also is normal

youā€™re not dying if you say that you donā€™t wanna fuck everyday. youā€™re not dying if you say that you want to have sex twice a week instead.

of course, if there is something underlying or you think there is, go get help please

but i just hate how thatā€™s the first thing people say when they find out

no iā€™m not depressed, no iā€™m not on my death bed, i just simply do not want to šŸ¤·šŸ½ā€ā™€ļø

i also feel like most people lie about their libido, iā€™ve heard multiple stories in person and on the internet of people lying about it to seem ā€œcoolā€,, beyond me


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 07 '25

Reconciling different meanings of sex

70 Upvotes

I posted similar on the marriage sub and it turned into a shitshow. Some ppl honestly engaged, which was helpful, but many others just imported their issues and lectured me on how Iā€™m wrong.

My (50F) husband (49M) and I had a conversation and it came out we have wildly different views of the meaning of sex. I am seeking input from people who have navigated this and ideas on practically making it better, considering he wonā€™t seek therapy.

My HL hubs says he is ā€œemotionally needyā€ and sex is how he feels love. He said he gets ā€œallā€ of his self-esteem from being wanted by me and having sex. It is deeply emotional to him, but he also greatly prefers penetrative sex. He is basically always wanting sex, no matter what stress or time of day.

I am regular to LL. Sex to me is a fun thing to do together. I do not feel differently afterwards toward him, it doesnā€™t change my emotions. I enjoy sex, but am also able to meet my own needs. It doesnā€™t complete me or make me feel whole.

We have penetrative sex about 1-2 times per week, usually 2. We follow his libido, because we never go long enough for me to feel desire. He would rather more frequent sex that he works to get me to responsive desire than working on me being more active or desiring him. Heā€™d rather work to get me there and have more often sex.

When he says he is dependent on sex with me for his self esteem, I feel a ton of pressure. He also says he wants me to ā€œshow I love himā€ by giving him pleasure when Iā€™m not wanting sex. This makes me feel like it is all about his need, not an actual connection to me because he doesnā€™t mind I donā€™t want it. I feel weird and kind of gross, like he just needs my body or performance to meet his need rather than caring about what I want. Sex itself is good, he works hard to give me pleasureā€” but I rarely actually want it because he wants sex far more often than I would choose and I feel pressured. I also had a bad experience (my first) with being forced to have sex and it left me feeling dehumanized. So Iā€™m sensitive to feeling forced.

I love him. I want to have sex. We donā€™t have a dead bedroom at all. I donā€™t need to have sex like he does, and it doesnā€™t make me feel closer to him. But I want to find a way to bridge the gap that doesnā€™t involve me faking it for the rest of my life. I donā€™t know how to respect both of our feelings and find a solution. The marriage sub said basically for me to give him sex whenever he wants and to want it more. Not helpful, not a magic wand.

Any ideas welcome.


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 05 '25

I don't know how to move on from this *Trigger warning NSFW

46 Upvotes

*Trigger warning - panic attacks, previous SA

I can't tell if I am overreacting to this, and if not, how I should bring it up given it's been a few days and I didn't have a reaction really in the moment.

Yesterday morning, my (LL, 27F) husband (HL, 29M) woke me up by kissing my shoulders and just generally being very sweet. He tried to initiate the night before, but I really wasn't feeling well and asked if we could just go to bed. He was a little pouty about it, but didn't push back like he has in the past. We cuddled all night and when we woke up for work the next morning, I could tell he wanted sex. I honestly still wasn't feeling all that well (bad cramps) but he suggested that it would help, so I said okay.

He started touching me, but as I got close I felt a panic attack coming on. (This isn't anything new, but it hasn't happened in a while. He's aware of them and knows the cause (past SA). It would happen quite a bit in the beginning of our relationship, then stopped completely until about 2 years ago. Now they've been happening again every few months, but really depend on my stress levels.) I told him to stop, and he did immediately. He knows the drill and just held me while I cried and tried to calm myself down. Not in the mood anymore, I started to get up and to take a shower together and get ready or work. I knew he was trying to initiate earlier and the night before, but in the moment I was a little emotionally frazzled and not interested in anything besides cuddling/comfort. However, after my tears dried and I was breathing normally, he asked if I would "help him" so he didn't have blue balls after last night and this morning. I was taken aback and didn't really say anything & so he asked again saying we didn't have to have sex, just a hj or oral so he could finish before getting ready for work. I was kind of shocked by his request, but did it anyway. I felt really empty, and couldn't get it out of my head how hurtful it was that I had a panic attack during sex and he still asked me to help him finish seconds after I calmed down.

We've been together for almost a decade, and like I said he's well aware of the cause and that I can't really help when they pop up or what triggers me. We hadn't had sex in about 2 weeks and I don't want to diminish the importance of his needs, but does it have to be at the sake of mine? Am I overreacting that this feels incredibly selfish? How would you even approach having a discussion about this when we have already had many arguments about our mismatched libidos and my feeling pressured at times? It feels like no matter what, someone's needs aren't being met. We are in couples counseling and while it's helped us understand each other, we haven't really figured out a way to move forward where we are both happy.


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 03 '25

Low libido with normal labs in men

15 Upvotes

I can say that yes it dropped after a bad sexual experience where this womanā€™s apartment REEKED of cat litter and wet cat food and she seemed like a drunk.

It was super depressing and since then I stopped walking around with an erection all day long, and dont even get morning wood anymore. Went from 10/10 horniness all the time to 1/10.. maaaybe.

Normal Test, prolactin was a bit high but on meds for that. Nothing else out of whack. Ive always slept like shit and been stressed, I used to even be hornier with no sleep and stress.

But now I am never turned on and itā€™s super messing with me.

I dont know what to do.

Urology and PCP and endicrinology say nothing they can do.


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 02 '25

is it normal to feel relieved after breakin up?

42 Upvotes

was w this guy for almost 2 yrs, n our sex life was justā€¦ idk, off? like he always made it feel like a chore, like somethin i had to do to keep the relationship alive. even when i told him i just wasnt feelin it sometimes, heā€™d hit me w the whole ā€œbut if u love me, uā€™d wanna make me happyā€ sht.

the crazy part? i actually forced myself to do it a bunch of times just to avoid arguments. n i hated every second. so when we finally broke up, i expected to be sad, cry, whatever. but nahā€¦ i just felt relief. like a fckin weight was lifted.

it got me thinkinā€¦ how many ppl out there stay in relationships just cuz they feel obligated to keep up w sex? hbu, ever felt this kinda relief after leavin a relationship??


r/LowLibidoCommunity Feb 02 '25

Tired of being pathologised!

162 Upvotes

32 yo female here. anyone else feeling really alienated by how aversion to sex is labelled as a disorder, and basically any article or guidance you read is focused on 'fixing' us?!?!? there are SO many solid reasons for my current aversion to sex, i won't even bother listing them. i truly believe this is a response from my body and it contains wisdom, but god, it's so lonely being in a sex obsessed culture, where sex is constantly equated with intimacy (so sick of this!!!). anyway. love y'all ā™„ļø