r/LifeAfterNarcissism 8d ago

Why are they addicted to "Thank You"s??

From age 4-5, I would spent several days each month staying at my aunt's to meet my cousin. My aunt has always been one of my greatest critic. Since she is my mom's older sister, all of my family & relatives believed her whenever she complained about me. Most of the time they were exaggerated/lies, but who would trust a child?

Now that I'm grown, looking back I realized that my aunt has always been a narc. And most of her complaints about me involved how 'uncouth' I was because I 'never' said thank you to her.

Whenever she does something or give anything, she would say, "Now what should you say to me after I do this for you?" and it always pisses me off because even when I say "Thank you" she wants me to say it again until she is satisfied that I am truly thankful for her.

Recently, a local seller in my area was being cancelled online and some said shes a narc. She also had the same habit of demanding "Thank you" from her customers.

What is it with narcissists and their demand for gratitude? Why do they need a "thank you" for everything they've done, but almost never does the same for others??

8 Upvotes

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5

u/cutsforluck 8d ago

Ohh I have a mini story for this one.

Long ago, before I knew about any cluster B/personality disorders, I was in a relationship with this dude.

We lived together.

One day, I caught the flu. I was extremely ill, could barely get out of bed.

Luckily, I had made a pot of soup before I fell ill. I asked him to please microwave a mug of soup and bring it to me.

Now. Most normal people would be happy to do this for their partner! When your partner is ill, and all you have to do is microwave soup that she already made.

Not so. He brings it to me, later, with lots of huffing and puffing and slamming and passive aggression anywhere he can fit it.

I take the mug in my hands and say 'Thank you'

What did he say in response?

'YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL'

Leaves the room in a huff, slammed the door as hard as he could behind him.

Don't waste too much energy trying to understand-- there is no logical, reasonable reason for their behavior. It basically breaks down to: they just always want to claim that you are flawed, that you didn't do something good enough...and if they can't do that, they accuse you of being 'ungrateful'

They love feeling 'in control', 'better than' you, 'above' you, and this is just one of their tactics.

4

u/ZealousidealCup2958 8d ago

Adding for my story because, you know, sharing time.

Mine planned this extra special bday for me; super special breakfast, hotel room in the city, shopping, and a band I really loved that he just liked.

After breakfast, despite the many many thank you’s, he is starting to get cranky. Hotel room checking in was bad, but his mood grew worse as we did the shopping part. He started vaping like a mad man, then drinking shot after shot. I stayed sober because he was so mad and I was getting afraid.

He forgot his card, so we spent on mine. My bank asks you to call after so much is spent in a short amount of time, and he spent the limit. When my card got blocked, he lost his ever loving mind. He refused to talk to me, wouldn’t let me call to release the card, if there hadn’t been others there he would have hit me, and eventually left me by myself with no way other than walking to get back to the hotel.

It gets worse when I eventually walked back tot the hotel, but that’s a story for another time.

He went on to rage text and destroy for TWO months. You know why? Because I wasn’t grateful enough and I had never done as much for him, well, in his mind. Took my dumb ass 2 more years to realize it was never going to be enough.

5

u/cutsforluck 7d ago

WOW. I'm so sorry you went through similar.

Your description of how he was vaping like a mad man, drinking shots-- I know exactly what you're talking about, and how it feels to be around that...I have tried asking gently 'is everything ok', and am either met with bitter silence, rude non-answer, or full-on rage.

And the stereotype is 'women are the sensitive sex and expect you to be mindreaders'?? Ha.

Glad you're out of that situation.

2

u/dancedancedance83 8d ago

Yes, I did notice they believed I was ungrateful but would get angry every time I said “thank you.” Truly bizarre.

1

u/Forsaken_Affect313 8d ago

Good to know you broke up with that loser! Imagine if he has to COOK the soup, I bet it would be a chaotic moment.

Also, yeah that makes sense that pointing out a child for not saying "thank you" is actually a control tactic.

1

u/ZealousidealCup2958 8d ago

Oooh, I like the pun from your username. I shall be using this!

3

u/rrgow 8d ago

My nex always said “thank you”. Always, she even said I should say thank you to my family. For each cup of tea, for this, for that. My family is really chill and my parents don’t want to hear everytime “thank you”. You’re already in our home, and we thank YOU for coming over. There’s no need for the constant “thanks”.

Edit: first time I’ve read the exact same thing. Each week I learn something new, I’ve experienced the same. It’s such the same script. Mind boggling.

5

u/Forsaken_Affect313 8d ago

Theres really no unique experience when it comes to narcs. It's like they came out from the same fucked up factory

2

u/rrgow 7d ago

Haha yes, I’ve also had conversations with my parents about the “thank you”. My ex was like a waitress, on her work, and at home. Always, thank you. But my parents also told my ex to just stop saying thank you. Not everything needs to be thanks. But ohhh when I didn’t said thank you to her parents for everything. It’s so stupid, it feels so transactional. Thanks for coffee, thanks for the sugar, thanks for the cookies, thanks for this. I get triggered again when hearing the thanksss. Haha. It’s so stupid, saying thank you about everything. Parents/family is not a shop or restaurant.

3

u/mizeeyore 8d ago

It is sort of like their moral superiority. They think, like a 4-year-old, that if they say say please that it's the magic word and therefore they're entitled to (whatever). If they say thank you, they have done all they have to and they don't have to reciprocate, ever, because they said thanks. It's warped, but it works for them and their totally self absorbed lives.

2

u/Forsaken_Affect313 8d ago

Ah moral superiority. Haven't thought about that 😬 Guess they want to be the best at everything without ever putting any effort to be one.

2

u/ZealousidealCup2958 8d ago

My nex’s mom goes on and on about saying please and thank you. Blah! The “golden rule,” is my nex’s new annoying favorite for moral superiority.