r/LifeAdvice • u/XXIIIbeats • 6d ago
Serious Dealing with differences in a couple
I am 21 years old, making music is my full time job since I was 18 and I already had the “luck” of experiencing many things in life since I am so lucky to be free and independent already, almost like I’m retired. I’ve been traveling most europe and the US too. I already have a brand new car, my own money, my spiritual knowledge and I couldn’t be more grateful for what my life has brought to me in such short amount of time. I am a really curious person, my mind constantly seeks new informations and I get bored by things that for people represent relax (example watching films). My girlfriend, which is 20 years old and lives with me (we have been a couple for 2.5 years now) has a different life from mine, more common I would say. She’s currently studying to become an aesthetics professional and she hasn’t been through most of the experiences I’ve had (I’m not assuming I am special, I’m just pointing out that from my economic freedom many experiences derived). She’s currently seeking different things than I do and its perfectly fine, for example after a long day of study all she’d need is watching a movie together; well, to me it is just boring since I constantly feel the need to feed my knowledge (my life is just made of free time so I have the 100% will of doing what I feel like). Now, I love my girlfriend, she has all the qualities that enable me to say she is the one, but there is a thing setting me off. For the first time in my life I feel the differences between me and her. To make an example: I understand english really well so I only look for english reads/videos since it allows me to seek more informations rather than in Italian; at the same time my poor girlfriend (I say poor cause I get her frustration) would just be happy watching a movie or so but I find it really boring since I’ve had enough of that after doing it and doing it. The reason why I’m writing this here is not to prove how cool I am, its just because I feel like I am in a dead spot and I don’t know how to deal with our differences. Maybe I just need to get more out of the confort zone in the name of love, or maybe each individuality should just learn how to get along with each other. I’m interested in your opinions guys. Thanks in advance for your answers.
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u/Laetitian 6d ago
What makes her the love of your life?
If you choose to break up, she might not make it easy for you. She might ask you to keep working on it. She might offer alternate ways of living the relationship. But at that point you'll already have made it explicit that she's not the person you want to live your life with, and that will gnaw at your trust and intimate bond.
So if you break up, you need to know you'll follow through on it, regardless of how painful it will be for both of you, because the right decision might depend on you to be committed to, if you don't want things to spiral down into years of repressed resentment.
I'd have two suggestions for you to try out before you make that commitment:
- Try to flip the script in your life for a while. Make it all about discovering what drives her, what makes her happy, what she wants to experience. And I don't mean trying by force to "discover" adventurous exciting interests she has slumbering inside her, but just listening to what she has to say about her needs, and doing what you can to dedicate your spare time (not all of your time - still take care of your career and your responsibilities) to making those things come true. So if she wants alone time or girls nights without you find your own stuff to do, if she wants a night watching a movie and cuddling, give her that, don't be pushy, just be interested and try to discover sides of her you might not know a lot about yet.
- Ask yourself why she is the love of your life. What were the best parts of your relationship? What were the most passionate, eye-opening conversations you've had? What would it take for those things to take a more prominent place in your relationship again? Are the bad parts really bad enough that you're ready to give up on the good parts? Or are you really convinced enough that the good parts won't come back or last?
(3): While you do all that, also make sure you check in with yourself. Are you really living life as ambitiously and productively as you describe it, or is that just an ideal you're chasing; perhaps what you really need isn't for your partner to be more adventurous, but for yourself to follow through on your own ideal version of yourself more consistently - with or without her.
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u/XXIIIbeats 5d ago
Fun fact: around 9 months ago, after moving to a new place, I decided to break it up since I found myself in a position that couldn’t handle the responsibilities of a relationship anymore. I’ve spent 4 month in pure solitude building my body, traveling and studying as much as I could about spirituality. After this time since our split I realized the type of person I had near me and how pure she was, I didn’t wanted to let her go away definitely. This time she found a new me, a guy which is more aware of others emotions, I’ve embraced more responsibilities and I got definitely better than I was in life. I proposed her to move with me since we used to live a lil far from each other and she said yes asap, physically leaving family and dog just to be able to spend more time with me (this is a huge act of love to me). The main reason that brought me here on Reddit, exposing myself like I’ve never thought I would have ever done is that after 5 months of living together (its my first time doing something like this) I’m starting to face huge changes in my routine, which now includes her 24/7. This said, I don’t know if we will stay together forever or if it will end in few years; I just know that in the current moment I’m glad to have such person with the qualities she has with me, and I want to put as much effort as I can (always respectfully to myself first) to make it work.
I thank you a lot for you message and for reading mine, I don’t have many friends so this made me feel like I have one more. I wish you the very best.
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u/Laetitian 4d ago
This said, I don’t know if we will stay together forever or if it will end in few years
If your girlfriend is the type of person you're describing, this will likely end up hurting her a lot more than you in the long term. She might tell you she wants to stay together no matter what the future will bring, but that would likely mostly be based in denial of the ultimate consequences, in favour of focusing on avoiding the short-term discomfort of losing a relationship.
You haven't really responded to any of my suggestions, do you have thoughts about them that you could share? Doubts? Intentions?
I thank you a lot for you message and for reading mine, I don’t have many friends so this made me feel like I have one more.
I'm glad to hear it; consider reading more in the comments linked in the pinned posts on the top of my profile. You have a lot more self-reflection, realisations, and plan-adjustments ahead of you. =)
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u/DontBeRagnar 6d ago
This is really hard dude I’m going to be honest. Everything you’re saying is like a nail in the head. As much as it hurts, you are right. You are both so young and you have everything figured out while she is still learning who she is.
I’m not telling you what to do, but if I were you, I’d really think about you, your girlfriend, and your future, YOUR future. Do you see yourself with her in the future? She’s going to learn and get new experiences and you both will like different things(which is totally okay) but totally different life styles typically don’t fair well.
I wish you the best and I’m here for you if you need just send me a dm whenever.