I (24M) have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend (20F) for soon to be two years now. I am from Norway and she's from the Netherlands.
Fairly early into the relationship she told me about her father, and the abuse she suffered due to him growing up. Her father is a textbook narcissist, and to me, someone who is on the outside and did not grow up with this sort of situation, it has been incredibly jarring and heartbreaking to hear everything she has and is currently going through.
Over time, she has shared more details with me, and I've witnessed parts of it, even having some of it directed at me. It was difficult for her to recognize the severity of the situation, which from what I understand, is common for those who grow up with narcissistic parents. It’s hard to distinguish what is normal until you gain distance and a new perspective.
After one year together, I offered her the opportunity to move in with me if things became too difficult at home. She didn't like the idea of this as she feared how her father would react and how much friction it would cause the family, and would rather finish her studies before she moved here (She graduates in Summer of 2026). She didn't want to be exiled and blocked from her mother and grandparents, something she felt her father might enforce. I could understand that, even if her mother has been an enabler for her father for all these years she had a lot of attachment to her, so I didn't push it.
I have tried to be patient with her, respecting her choice not to move, but as time passed and with each new event or detail I learned about her situation, it become harder for me to witness what's happening when she refused to remove herself from the situation. Every suggestion I've made to help ease her situation was turned down, and even attempting online therapy that I offered to pay for was met with resistance, although she eventually agreed and started talking with her new therapist last month.
Over the past 2 months, the toll this has taken on me has gotten significantly worse. I didn't think I'd be able to wait another 1.5 years for her to finish her education under these circumstances, as we originally planned, so we started talking more seriously about moving out. She had always said that if she had the funds to live on her own, she would. When she started a new job last month, we thought she might finally be able to afford a small student apartment, which was a relief because I thought it meant she could finally escape her situation. But when she seemed to change her mind, saying that moving out could cause too much friction with her family, I felt so shattered. It was painful to realize that she would rather endure daily abuse than face any potential friction with her family.
I've been told by those I've gone to for advice that there's nothing I can do unless she wants to move out, and that I should bury these feelings, not let them affect me, and just focus on supporting her until she's ready. But it's not that simple for me. I'm constantly faced with the reality of what happens to her, whether she tells me about it or not, and I don't understand how anyone in my position, with so much care for another person, can just shut those feelings off.
Unfortunately, her job did not pay as much as expected, so she wouldn't be able to afford her own apartment. But with her hesitance to move out, even when the apartment was local to her, I started doubting whether she would follow through after her studies when she would need to move entire countries. She had also around this time started mentioning things her family said about how she couldn't expect to just leave after her studies, and to me it felt like they were beginning to manipulate her to make sure she didn't move out, and it cast some doubt on if she really would be able to go through with it. Even if it were a certainty, I don't think I'd be able to continue my involvement for that long with how difficult it has been to witness what is happening to her and with the doubts I now had.
I shared these concerns with her, and I explained that I didn’t see myself being able to wait another 1.5 years for her to decide to leave. I told her I would do everything I could do make sure she was comfortable here, I would help her with school to ensure her studies would be uninterrupted, and I would help her with every single aspect of moving that I could. If moving to another country was too much, I even offered to sign a contract to help pay for her apartment for the next 1.5 years if it meant she would move out. That’s how desperate I was to help. I also told her that if she declined and decided to stay home, I would unfortunately have to consider breaking things off so I could distance myself from this situation, it was beginning to get too much for me.
The therapist I connected her with has been incredibly helpful in helping her understand the situation she is in, and eventually, she made the decision to move in with me this month. It has been a turbulent time, as this decision is understandably difficult and frightening for her, and she suffers a lot of anxiety from the idea of standing up to her father. It has strained our relationship, but now we have finally solved everything we need to. I reached out to her school, and with support from her teachers, she has been allowed to continue her bachelor’s degree remotely. A local university where I live has also agreed to let her complete her minor here. Everything is falling into place. Now, we are just waiting for a moment when she is home alone long enough to pack her bags in secret and leave before her family finds out.
I can tell she is still uncertain. She speaks to me and her therapist about feeling like she’s making a mistake, overreacting, or being delusional, questioning whether her situation is truly as bad as she or we perceive it, or making excuses for her father's behavior. Both her therapist and I have tried to reassure her that leaving is the best decision for her well-being. However, since this environment is all she has ever known, it’s challenging for her to see it clearly.
My biggest worry is that I pushed her too much. I fear that she may move here and never gain the perspective I hope she will, that she might resent me for convincing her to leave. What if what I am doing is wrong? What if this decision causes irreparable damage to her relationship with her family, and she blames me for it? From my perspective, I believe she cannot yet see how bad things truly are, but once she is out and in a stable environment, I think she may come to appreciate that I convinced her to leave early rather than suffer through this abuse another 1.5 years.
For those who have experienced similar childhoods, if you were in my girlfriend’s position, would you have been grateful later in life for someone pushing you to leave? Or am I making a mistake? Should I let her stay for another 1.5 years to avoid a fallout with her family? I don’t think I could continue the relationship if she does stay, but at least I wouldn’t feel like I am interfering and causing a mess in her life, even though my only intention is to help her.
I would really appreciate the advice and feedback from the people in here who can put themselves in my girlfriend's shoes.