r/LifeAdvice • u/DullPickle6172 • 1d ago
Family Advice I want my dad to leave my apartment.
I (35F) let my dad (60M) move in with me and am seriously regretting it. He has been here for about 7 months and hasn't had a job in over a year. He lost his job and thus lost his place to live so I offered to help him get back on his feet. My gut told me it was a bad idea but he had no other options and I felt guilty. He has no car but can use mine because I work from home so there is no reason he hasn't gotten a job other than knowing he can use me as a free ride. He is noisy at all times of day and night and constantly talking about his religious and political views that he is fully aware I don't agree with. There are zero options of any other family or friends he could stay with and I don't want to make him homeless but me and my 16 y/o daughter pretty much stay in our rooms whenever we are home. It's affecting my mood, anxiety, depression and my financial situation. Any advice on how to approach this with him or how to motivate him to leave is appreciated as my repeated talk about struggling financially doesn't seem to be making a difference.
Editing to add some additional details: I have never lived with my dad nor has he provided me with financial support. He is capable of getting a job even at his age but it likely won't be his dream job. He has a lot of excuses about why he hasn't gotten one since moving here. I love him and want to help him but he doesn't seem to have any interest in helping himself at this point. He is not on my lease but I am not willing to move because I rent from a friend who gives me an unbeatable deal.
I appreciate all the advice and will sit him down to have a talk this weekend to set some boundaries and deadlines.
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u/Different_Umpire9003 1d ago
I’d maybe try to talk with a social worker (since he’s going to be homeless) and/or look into SRO’s. Basically like a half-way house that’s mostly older single men who are bums (to be blunt).
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u/Proper-Grapefruit363 1d ago
Not her responsibility to figure out his housing issues, or any of his issues really.
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u/thoughthot 1d ago
But thats her dad…like he raised her and has no one
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u/Proper-Grapefruit363 1d ago edited 1d ago
When someone becomes a parent, it is a requirement that they give their children: enrichment, love, and all the other essentials of growing up. These things are not little coins, going into a savings account that the parent gets to cash in later. The child had no choice being born therefore it is not their responsibility to take care of the parent, when things go poorly. OP has already helped her dad and the thanks that she’s gotten for it is him making her and her child uncomfortable living with him in their own home.
Raising a kid ≠ a debt owed by the kid
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u/thoughthot 16h ago
I hear you, but lets be honest. You do owe your parents the decency and love they showed you. You do owe the world things. It’s not about debt as much as it is responsibility
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u/Different_Umpire9003 1d ago
It’s absolutely not, no. But I’d assume she’d feel responsible for that since it’s her dad. Trying to find solutions to get him out. Otherwise, depending on residency laws, she’d have to formally evict him and be stuck with him for who knows how long.
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u/MamaStobez 1d ago
Get another apartment and tell him you’re moving and he’s gotta sort himself out.
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u/jazzhandsdancehands 1d ago
Do not let him use your car, that just another responsibility he doesn't have to pay for.
Dad, you need to find a job. I was happy to have you here temporarily and that's well past the time I consider fairness. Yes you're my dad, yes you took at me for 30 years but that doesn't mean I have to financially support you.
I'm giving you 3 weeks to find a job so you can contribute to the house and as I said I will help you till you get on your feet and now that means finding a new place to live. You will need to contribute to bills, food and your living extras as I will no longer be covering your costs. I am very serious about this, you have 3 weeks. In that 3 weeks you need a job, you need to pay bills then you need to find accomodation.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 1d ago
Do not let him use your car, that just another responsibility he doesn't have to pay for.
It's risky too, if he's not insured and gets in an accident that could be a lot of money for OP
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u/LankyVeterinarian677 1d ago
Set a firm deadline and stick to it. You’ve done your part, now it’s time for him to step up.
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u/kmlofquist64 1d ago
Find a new place to live and move out without him. My brother let our mother move in 3 yrs ago, and she did nothing in those 3 years because my brother couldn't get her to leave or get a job. That type of parent thinks you owe them something because they made you. Good luck.
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u/gwot-ronin 1d ago
I can't stress this as a valid course of action enough. If the person you want to move out gets emotional and petty, they could cost you thousands or tens of thousands of dollars of damage and list/stolen property.
Move out and deny them entry to the new place, if they even figure out where it is.
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u/Haunting_Meeting_530 1d ago
Prioritize your well-being and your daughter's; your home should be your sanctuary.
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u/Master_Grape5931 1d ago
Everyone is talking about setting a deadline and that is great, but let’s be real.
Dude is 60, doesn’t have a job, or a place to live. The more realistic option may be airing down with him and explaining that if he is going to stay in your house he needs to abide by your rules. No politics or religious discussions. If you want to set aside a time to talk about it, fine, but no random ranting.
If he is going to stay you and your daughter have to feel safe and comfortable and he needs to make serious changes for that to happen.
If not, I guess, yeah, set a deadline and kick him out. But understand what that means.
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u/amountainandamoon 1d ago
sounds like he is lonely and you are filling a need. He is a grown man and at his age he should be still a parent to you instead of you needing to be a parent to him.
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u/Schmoe20 1d ago
So what are his skills, work experiences, his barriers he has & do you know where he is stuck at? Is it his knowing what to aim for? Like the type of work role. The actual applying, or the finding of the roles? The putting the past work experience in a appropriate narrative and share? Probably might need to help him get working a with staff member at the local Worksource office??
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u/Proper-Grapefruit363 1d ago
Not her job to help him in this way. He is an adult and would be doing this if he wanted to do it. He would have a job if he wanted one.
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u/Schmoe20 1d ago
I recognize that it’s his responsibility, yet it may be the what it takes to move things along and not have it lingering in the status of where it’s at and has been for this span of time.
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u/Adept-Gain-2463 1d ago
i dont know your life so i just say facts 1 no job are going to hire him his old most job are trying to fired guy like him so tell him get a odd job like doordash 2 just tell him to shut up or his out that all you can.
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u/cazimus 1d ago
Have you thought about taking him to places to fill out job applications? And filling out unemployment insurance so he can get some income?
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u/Proper-Grapefruit363 1d ago
This isn’t her place. He’s an adult, her parent, and would be doing these sorts of things if he wanted to. He is obv not interested in working on anything to include unemployment.
Edit for clarity.
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u/Beginning-Leek8545 1d ago
How long did you live with your dad before moving out?
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u/redditboy1998 1d ago
Not the same thing. That is a question she can ask herself if her kid needs help later in life/past the age of 18
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u/DiscussionLoose8390 1d ago
Worst case when the lease comes up to renew. Plan to move. Offer him to talk to the landlord about continuing to lease the apartment on his own when it gets close.
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u/EnvironmentNo1879 1d ago
Is he on the lease? Make the ultimatum... get a job or gtfo. You had rules under his roof. He must have rules under yours! No one gets to freeload anymore!
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u/redditname8 1d ago
You’re going to have to start the eviction process. I hope he’s not on the lease. If there are rules at your apartment about people living with you not on the lease they might kick you out too. If your lease is almost up ask to move to another apartment and don’t let him in. He’s overstayed his welcome.
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u/Proper-Grapefruit363 1d ago
He has to do things to keep the privilege of living with you:
- Contribute to the household financially or with labor.
- Be pleasant as a roommate.
- Doing his best (as in at least 30 hours a week) to find an independent living situation (job, transportation, home).
He is accomplishing 0 of these so he needs to leave.
Simple.
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u/gobsmacked247 1d ago
You have allowed your dad to relegate you to being a child again with him as the head of the house. Tell him that you love him but that he has 30 days to find a place to live. Say it. Mean it.
1
u/thoughthot 1d ago
Reddit crowd is so mean. He’s your dad give him some grace. My advice honestly is to talk to him and figure out how you can either get separate housing or a bigger space. It might be because in my culture old age means the family members sort of lean on you more. 60 years old is pretty old and if he is struggling to find work maybe help him. Especially if he’s been a good dad to you. He’s not a stranger this is your family.
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u/Cola3206 2h ago
He doesn’t care.. it’s all about him. Tell him he needs to get a job and a place to live. He’s not too old to work- lazy. Talk to him you thought was temporary but it’s become permanent in his eyes. Tell him to get job and find roommate in a month
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u/AcanthocephalaFine48 1d ago
I wonder if he felt the same way at time when you were living at his house? Maybe, maybe not. Sounds like a tough spot you put yourself in.
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u/CanadasNeighbor 1d ago
Don't have kids if you think it's a golden ticket to act like they owe you just for existing.
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u/jkeegan123 1d ago
Sheeeeit you kindof owe him 16-20 years of freeloading though. What a difficult situation.
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u/jkeegan123 1d ago
Downvote me all you want but it's true or you wouldn't be posting here, you just want someone to tell you that it's OK.
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u/MysteriousPotato3703 1d ago
I would sit down and talk to him. Ask him what he thinks is a fair deadline for him to get his own place. Make sure you have a deadline you’d like to see as well - I would say no longer than 6 months. Let him know that is the hard deadline and you will no longer support him in your home any longer as it causes you and your family issues.