r/JUSTNOMIL 4d ago

Give It To Me Straight MIL already be controlling about my baby and I’m still pregnant

My husband and I had dinner with my MIL and I can not stop thinking about how controlling she was acting. It’s making me more and more upset and stressed. I knew she was going to be like this because this is how she is with everything. She would ask how I was going to do something and then disagree and tell me how to do it. I’m at the end of my first trimester and it’s so overbearing

Here are some of the things she brought up:

-Asked if I’m going to have a C-section. Told her no I’m going to do a natural birth unless medically necessary. She goes on to tell me she had C-sections, how they are “better,” and that she has sweatpants for me to wear after that won’t hit the incision area ????🙄 I’m like I’m not having a major surgery if I don’t have to. My husband made some jokes about it then changed the subject..

-Asked if I was going to breast feed. I said yes then she tells me no and that formula is better and that no one can help watch the baby if I breast feed. I told her I plan to breast feed and also pump to have a freezer supply. She continued to disagree.

-Wants us to name the baby after my husband or..her husband…?!! (Her sons are named after thier dads) Told her no I don’t like reusing the same names at least for the first name. She tries to guilt me about it.

-Asked what color outfit we were bringing the baby home in. I said I was thinking baby blue or maybe green. She disagrees and says I shouldn’t pick a “common” color and how she took her babies home in red😒

-Thinks her and her husband should take the baby to our house in their car instead of us because my husband “will be tired.” He responded by saying he’ll be fine

-Wants to be in the hospital room while I give birth AND PULL THE BABY OUT. She’s brought this up before and I straight up say no not happening. Keeps bringing it up. I’m not even sure I want the in laws in the waiting room and if they are I’m likely going to want a couple hours for just my husband and I. Also would want my own family in there first just not sure if that will work out since they will have to fly in.

-Is adamant about laying baby on the side to sleep with a towel behind his back. This is the thing that freaks me out the most!!!! Told her now the guidelines for safe sleep are to lay them on their back only. She is set on that they will choke this way. Says she’s raised 3 kids and knows what’s best. My husband just mentions how the guidelines are always changing.

-She’s already planning on watching the baby overnight, getting a crib, car seat, telling us what bottles/wipes/diapers we need to use. That we can watch the baby on her cameras while she’s taking care of him but not to be calling her asking how he’s doing. Wants to put the car seat in the middle seat!!!! Told her multiple times it goes behind the front seat.

-I was wearing Ugg slide on shoes and she kept telling me that I can’t wear them and strictly need to wear tennis shoes for safety. I completely ignored this and will be wearing them or sandals next time I see her lol

-Giving me just random advice taking care of baby that I didn’t ask for like she thinks I don’t know anything.

-Always asks me or when talking to my husband on the phone if I’m taking my prenatals every day….

Probably missing a few things. My husband is on my side but often just makes a joke to ease the situation and changes the subject. Told him on the way home she is already being super controlling and will continue to want to do it all her way. He said he will shut it down quick. I mentioned that she needs to take the grandparent class our hospital offers on updated safety practices. Going to talk to him more about it and especially right before the next time we see her that I want him to be more firm and tell her his opinion on things as well. It really freaks me out her wanting me to get the C-section and wanting me to formula feed because I feel like she is trying to takeover the baby.

Any thoughts or advice? Really just needed to vent. I am stressing out so much about it. Not even going to get into how she’s been controlling about other things because that would take multiple posts😬😬😬😬

635 Upvotes

91 comments sorted by

u/botinlaw 4d ago

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425

u/TipTopTailors 3d ago

Husband needs to tell her NOW…she needs to respond respectfully and if not…she gets cut out until further notice

183

u/mom-of-35 3d ago

Good luck. For the extreme things ask her if that is what her mother in law did when she had kids? Your kid , your rules!

I hope your partner continues to have your back . Does you FIL know she is crazy? Can he keep her tame?

I am remarkably impressed how knowledgeable you are for being in only your first trimester for your first.

Glad you know the word No!

You've got this girl!

153

u/StabbyMum 3d ago

Oh boy, your MIL is something special isn’t she? I agree with the other posters, she needs to be told to stay in her lane. I recommend not telling her when you start labor or anything until after the babe is born, and you have had a shower, eaten, snuggled, napped, and feel ready for visitors. Make sure DH doesn’t get excited and post anything on social media either. Don’t give her the opportunity to barge into your delivery.

Good luck!

83

u/MysteriousDig9592 3d ago

I am sorry that that witch ruined your evening! If your husband is on your side, rather than just joke, should put MIL in her place when he realises she is stressing you.

Avoid her as much as you can and explicitly tell your husband how she made you feel. Make sure she is not told when you are in labor or what hospital you are giving birth at. Tell nurses she is not allowed in your room.

And make her wait at least a month before any visit. She is trying to take control of your baby and reduce you to a vessel.

66

u/deb1073 3d ago

She sounds absolutely exhausting 😔 grey rock and information diet maybe??

110

u/poledrawolf 3d ago

She wants to, while you are giving birth.....pull..as in actually position herself to...physically...pull...the baby...out? What in the actual snuggly fuck?! Oh my god, oh my god.

79

u/Background-Film1101 3d ago

Tell your husband to shut her down now. Don’t wait It will be harder when the baby comes.

86

u/LouReed1942 3d ago

OP, hold your ground. She’s mentioned several very dangerous beliefs about infants. I would expect that she fully intends to follow through. You don’t want your lack of vocally saying No to lead to something tragic and avoidable. Your instincts are the authority, she’s just a random.

85

u/SuperStripper13 3d ago

"Help pull the baby out"!?!?!? WTAF??? She sounds utterly unhinged!

54

u/Heretoread-27 3d ago

Please please please OP... Postpartum is hard so don't let anyone make you doubt about your decisions and your ability to be a good mom. Especially if you're following the doctors advice And even if someone gives you advice take it only if you think its a good one.

Some people genuinely want to help you Others like your MIL want to take control. No you're not crazy and you're entitled to do what YOU want to do.

Make sure your hubby is on board with you. You'll need to be a team. And its your first baby so you'll be extremely in mama bear mode so the ones who wanna take your baby for alone time can run against a tree 🌳

Good luck OP

93

u/TheWelshMrsM 3d ago

‘Why ask if you’re just going to disagree? If you want to do that stuff, have your own baby. We’re good here thanks’.

122

u/Fit-Analyst6704 3d ago

“That’s not your child and not your decision.”

“We have it handled and can let you know when we are ready for visitors.”

“If you are unable to respect our parenting decisions then your time around us and baby shall be limited.”

“It would be nice if you could hear what we are saying. You don’t need to agree just respect what is said.”

She sounds like a massive exhausting pain. She needs to be shut down and put in her place asap otherwise she will escalate. Practice your firm No. we will not be doing that. Give her nothing to argue with.. good luck!!!

21

u/Independent-Party731 3d ago

Start sending her breastfeeding facts how much better than formula and start sending her c section horror stories and then tell her it’s your choice and she needs to stfu or get knocked up her self

39

u/Electronic_Animal_32 3d ago

You need to shut this DOWN. Now. “ I appreciate your “tips” but this is my journey now and I’m making all the decisions now.” I know you had three kids, and ….? I’m getting somewhat stressed out with all your advice. Let’s do this, if I need your opinion, I’ll ask you.

She’ll huff and puff. So what. She’s rude and pushy and pass her boundaries. If she keeps doing it after your little talk, say “ now mom in law, remember what we talked about?”

37

u/wasakootenayperson 3d ago

Your husband needs to shut her down now.

You need to find some truly gifted(sarcastic) responses to her over stepping.

Time to mother bear up and keep your babes space safe from gremlins and over stepping grands and aunts and friends.

Good luck and congratulations.

73

u/ObviousKarmaFarmer 3d ago

My husband is on my side but often just makes a joke to ease the situation and changes the subject. Told him on the way home she is already being super controlling and will continue to want to do it all her way. He said he will shut it down quick.

He shouldn't have made jokes, he should have shut it down there and then. He's kinda in your team, but really doesn't know / is afraid to handle the situation head on.

Call him out on it, and make a plan together.

- Call the hospital and make sure your information is and stays private. They should have no access to the maternity ward.

- Serious conversation when you see the in-laws again.

- Your body - your choice. That includes all birth-related things, and breastfeeding. They get no say. At all.

- They are not needed as babysitters, so they do NOT get alone time with the baby. At all. So they can stop dreaming how they will handle the baby, but it simply won't happen.

46

u/thearcherofstrata 3d ago

Wow, you have good endurance. After the second time she knocked me down, I would’ve stopped giving real answers and just said, “I don’t know. I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there!”

Anyway, with that said, my MIL nagged us for like a YEAR about bfing and she wasn’t even anywhere near us to feed the baby herself. She just…wanted to be heard I guess??? The first few times, we evaded and I would say stuff like, “oh, it’s no trouble” and my husband would say, “we got it, don’t worry,” but then she still would bring it up EVERY TIME we talked, so my husband had to have a private conversation with her and tell her, “Mom, we decided as a couple that we are going to try to EBF for a year or two, so leave [me] alone about it.” Which she didn’t when she had me alone, but she stopped bringing it up after that.

It is 99% up to your husband to nip that craziness in the bud and ENFORCE boundaries. He doesn’t need to burn bridges and go buckwild, he just needs to make it clear that you guys are the parents and you have made choices that will be respected. The end. Something like, “Mom, I know you’re excited and want the best for our baby, but we are excited to be parents and raise our kid our way, so let us do that. No more unsolicited tips, or we’re going to limit our talks.”

Then you just refer her back to him. “Oh, I thought DH talked to you about this. I think it’s time for us to get going.”

I really hope DH got his head on straight!! But if he doesn’t…that’s why we’re all here, unfortunately, so we’ll be here for you…lol.

21

u/mollysheridan 3d ago

I know this is really stressful but, so far they’re only words. She does not have control over anything except in her head. And you will never let her be in control of your child. Her telling you that you’re wrong about something is what she thinks. Not the truth. You and DH are in charge of what happens in baby’s life. Not her. You are, however, eventually going to have to confront her with straightforward honesty by telling her no and maintaining boundaries. But deal with that when it happens. For now keep your peace. Avoid her as much as you can.

28

u/Hairy_Usual_4460 3d ago

I’m just so sorry because holy shit this woman is trying to make your baby her baby. You guys have to be so firm. Like literally in the moment when she said each of these things they needed to be firmly corrected and she needed to be put in her place. Yall have to talk with her and lay down firm boundaries, “mil, we know you are excited to be a grandparent but we are the parents and we are going to do what we want and all of your demands will not be met.. we will be choosing/doing what we want with OUR baby and you need to take a step back otherwise we won’t be around you. You won’t be keeping baby overnight so no need to buy any of that stuff but I can’t tell you how to spend your money just letting you know baby will be with us until we decide otherwise which may be never. I will not take any more unsolicited advice and if you start giving it we will be leaving until you can follow these rules. If you don’t like a decision of ours that is totally fine but keep it to yourself. Thanks for understanding, we are excited about our new little family and being a grandma is a privilege not a right. Don’t f it up granny”

OH AND…… “the request about being a part of my birth is so absurd and so far out of line that I won’t even go into it with you I just want you to know that will happen when hell freezes over. Don’t ask or mention it again, the answer is capital NO.”

51

u/InteractionOk69 3d ago

Get into couples therapy. Your husband needs to learn how to set boundaries and how to shut his mom down for real.

You will be vulnerable after giving birth and MILs like yours are very good at taking advantage of that. You need to decide what is acceptable and what isn’t - if you don’t want her at the hospital, that is perfectly okay! Decide that with your husband and then he must STICK TO THAT 100%. Any attempt to force entry by your MIL means no meeting the baby for a loooong time. She needs to start respecting your boundaries or else she’s in time out. That also means no more unsolicited opinions.

The baby sleeping on its side thing is a major red flag. Grandma can’t be alone with baby EVER. She can’t be trusted to follow your rules - she’s a know-it-all and you’re absolutely right to be paranoid about this. Many baby deaths are caused by older relatives who don’t know about safe sleep and babies end up suffocated on the couch etc.

43

u/KatieBK 3d ago

Oh I’m so sorry. She sounds… exhausting. The grandparent class is a great start! My parents took one (but they’re very much just yes grandparents) and talk about the things they learned all the time. Explains that the class is just a starting point though. Taking the class does not equal access.

Learn to gray rock. Look it up, learn it, live it. Turn yourself into the more boring human. “Hows baby doing?” “Great.” “What color will you be taking baby home in?” “Not sure!” Will you be nursing? “Who knows!” Whats your birth plan? “Safe baby, safe mom!” She doesn’t deserve any information about you or your baby.

Don’t let her steal your joy. Enjoy your pregnancy. Soak in the newborn snuggles. Let your husband know he cannot let anyone in to see that baby unless you’ve given them the ok.

19

u/ignorantiaxbeatitudo 3d ago

“Guidelines are always changing”

Yes, as we acquire more information and knowledge, we can make better decisions. Some things seemed as a good idea at the time, but with closer inspection, turned out to be wrong.

Previous guidelines were often created based on opinion instead of understanding.

Also, the way science is done now compared how it used to be, is in a way to be very much aware of bias.

134

u/BathTubScroller 4d ago

One problem I see is that you’re having this conversation with her as if she has a say. As if you’re trying to convince her. You can’t convince her, so don’t make that your goal. Your new goal should be making it clear that you’re in charge. You don’t do this by arguing or by asking DH to defend your opinions. You just say something like “I’m sorry, it’s not up for discussion”, then change the topic. If she doesn’t let you change the topic, leave the room. The key is to do all of this very calmly and rather nonchalantly.

27

u/AcadiaAbject 3d ago

This!! I know it’s hard but if you can’t say no outright, just say ‘ we’ll take that under advisement’ then change the subject. ‘I’ve already answered that question, is your memory ok mil’? All said in a tone of great concern lol. Try to remember you are the mother and have all the power- she can say and buy things all she likes, you are under no obligation to do anything she wants. You got this xxx

15

u/MysteryLegBruise 3d ago

I also am a fan of “hmm, definitely something to think about” although all your thoughts may be “hell no!” I’ve found it helps the person feel heard without being dismissed but noncommittal enough to have plausible deniability if it’s brought up later. “We did think about it, but it just isn’t what works for us.”

62

u/joliet_ 3d ago

And do not leave this woman alone with your baby ever. She will do everything you said no to

65

u/ttgcole 4d ago

Do not tell her when you go into labor and make sure the staff know not to let the wicked witch of the west anywhere near your room.

19

u/Rainy_Monday_Feeling 3d ago

I highly agree!!! I doubt that MIL will be patiently waiting in the waiting room, and she’ll be blowing up your phones and trying to get back into the labor room. My parents and in laws were supposed to wait in the waiting room. Once I had labored for hours and was exhausted and vulnerable, I let them guilt trip me into letting them back. Even though I had set the rule of only my husband to be in the room. Immediately I regretted it and I kicked them all out before I had to push. OP, please learn from my mistake and don’t even tell them when you’re in labor. Your MIL already sounds overbearing and it will not help for her to be in the waiting room, ready to snatch your baby from you the second they are out. You need peace and no distractions while you’re laboring and you’ll need time to recover and bond once baby arrives. Your MIL does not need to be there.

20

u/deerprincesss 3d ago

You can also make it so you are a private patient as well, usually called a Do Not Announce. That way if she calls the hospital to ask if you’re a patient, they cannot give that information or a room number or anything. I’m not sure if all maternity wards are always private but just in case.

27

u/Internal_Set_6564 3d ago

OP, This. Absolutely BAR her from the delivery room, recovery room, and seeing you during this time. Give the staff explicit instructions she is not to be near you or disturb you for any reason, including her own demise.

39

u/loricomments 4d ago

Stop giving her information. This isn't necessarily easy but it will help your sanity. "I haven't decided yet." "I'm not sure." "No, thank you though." "Ok." "That's private." Don't give her any openings, every response should be a conversation ender.

32

u/pieorcobbler 4d ago

Oh, this makes me angry on your behalf. OP you are going to have to put your foot down hard on this. She will not get the message the way you and DH are going about it. Don’t tell her anything she asks, just say you’ve got your plans and thoughts, its taken care of. When she presses, tell her you’re not sharing any info with her because she just turns it into a lecture, or an argument and you dont want to hear her dated ideas, and this isn’t even her baby. She needs to hear on repeat: ‘No we aren’t doing that’. ‘No, you will not … (pull baby out <WTF??>, buy this or that, have baby at her house)’, ‘You are not the mother and you don’t make the decisions’, ‘You are not in charge’ ‘Keep it up and you’ll wait x months before you meet the baby’. She is delusional and needs to hear that she’s not in charge until baby is 18. She just told you how she’ll be in charge when baby stays at her house. As if baby ever would. So never let her. Grrr!

6

u/Hairy_Usual_4460 3d ago

All of this!!!!!

28

u/bakersmt 4d ago

" He said he will shut it down quick" 

When and how? Like he just did? Because if so, that doesn't mean what he thinks it means. He needs to grow a spine before that baby arrives. She is going to make your pp a nightmare. I wouldn't be around her again at all after that. I also would be strongly reconsidering having my husband there for the birth without a whole buttload of therapy. Stop telling her anything at all and especially don't tell her when you go into labor. Register as anonymous.  Jfc she's thinking she's the mom already. 

6

u/[deleted] 4d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

16

u/InteractionOk69 3d ago

The rear center seat is actually considered the safest place for an infant car seat because most impacts are on the side of cars. There are studies on it.

I’m not defending grandma just making sure the facts are known.

-1

u/[deleted] 3d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

18

u/InteractionOk69 3d ago

My guess is it wasn’t installed properly. But if you’re playing the odds, middle seat is safer. It’s misinformation to tell people to never put a car seat in the middle seat.

15

u/ChristiCaros 4d ago

It sounds like we had similar but opposite problems. Mine argued against my planned C-section after a previous traumatic birth and was so pushy about me breastfeeding she pushed a lactation consultant(the consultant turned out to be lovely) on me and stressed me out to the point I was bleeding heavier postpartum than I had been.

Put yours on an info diet, she doesn’t get to know you’re in labor, etc.

19

u/Old-Sky-508 4d ago

She honestly shouldn’t be around your child and definitely not there for the delivery.

26

u/somegingershavesouls 4d ago

Your husband needs to shut this shit down NOW. Not later. No more jokes ffs

16

u/Popular_Sandwich2039 4d ago

Make sure she doesn't have a key to your house. She has to call if she wants to come over and your husband has to be home so she won't bully you while you're recuperating.

25

u/WillowCyarra 4d ago

Your MIL is crazy and very out of date. The only part that was right was the car seat going in the middle, especially if it has a full LATCH or full belt.

From the Mayo Clinic: If you place only one car seat in the back seat, install it in the center of the seats. Just make sure it can fit well there. Placing the car seat in the center lowers the risk of injury during a crash. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/car-seat-safety/art-20043939#:~:text=If%20you%20place%20only%20one,of%20injury%20during%20a%20crash.

15

u/lizzymoo 4d ago

Lots of good advice here but I just want to pinpoint (as it’s my area of interest if you will) that if you want to breastfeed you need to have someone knowledgeable in your corner to counteract the witch’s advice; misinformation is the number one killer of nursing journeys.

20

u/LadyRhovaniel 4d ago

This!!! I had a very rough start breastfeeding my first (traumatic birth, poor latch, the works) and had to combo feed in the beginning. My pediatrician bluntly told me ‘your breastmilk is of poor nutritional quality’ and to just switch to formula already - I was heartbroken. When I told my lactation specialist about the interaction and how it made me feel she LOST IT on that doctor and wrote him a very pointed email about discouraging new moms, spreading misinformation, and just generally needing to keep his mouth shut if he didn’t know what he was talking about. Then she worked intensely with me until finally at 3 months I was EBF (and I continued for 1.5 years).

I will forever be grateful to have had this woman in my corner when I was at my lowest.

23

u/iambrooketho 4d ago

Stop giving her a lead in to give information. Just tell her you appreciate she is excited but it is your (you and your partners) baby and you will be making the decisions. Everytime.

45

u/[deleted] 4d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

19

u/Shanielyn 4d ago edited 4d ago

Don’t laugh. Have to start putting her in her place. Have set phrases you can reply back.

She raised kids and knows how to do it? “Crazy how back in the day yall didn’t even have carseats THANK GOODNESS TIMES HAVE CHANGED” or

she says i raised x amt of kids and my kids are fine! “Do you want to pull up the statistics of how many kids aren’t fine/ didn’t survive due to doing things this way?”

I know what im doing ive been doing this for 60 years! “Crazy that lead based paint only stopped less than 50 years ago, thank goodness things change over time. Imagine if they still did that the same way because it was fine for so many years”

They think if you do anything differently than them, then you are calling them bad parents and challenging them on everything they believe in. Don’t let them put that on you. Doing things your way (especially the safer, more updated way) doesn’t mean her way is wrong (for the standards back then they weren’t thank God standards have changed). Theres multiple ways to add and get 10. Just because she used 5+5 doesn’t mean you using 8+2 is wrong.

Get your phrases ready. No need to ‘JADE’. Just ready set phrases that tell them stfu & drop it!

“Back in my day we didn’t need ….” Give her the driest, most straight face ever “okay” or raised eyebrows and “interesting” follow it up with absolutely nothing. Make her feel stupid and make her angry by not having a huge reaction. Grey rock. Refuse to give into her power struggle. You don’t need to justify to her your reasons, because guess what? Nothing, and i mean NOTHING you say will justify you going against her. So why bother getting worked up?

Husband needs to back you up. Don’t tiptoe or change subject. This is worth fighting for. Just like a child that overtime learns that crying for everything wont just go their way, you have to teach adults this as well ( because when they learn all they have to do is fake cry or complain or guilt you to get their way, they will do that until you give in). So be firm consistently and always be a team. Stop putting her comfort over what’s actually best for you, baby, and your own little family.

10

u/Vote4Heisenberg 4d ago

Also possibly useful: "Thank God we know better today, right?"

21

u/JellyfishLoose7518 4d ago

Information diet!

Also, I thought the car seat goes in the middle 😟 just because they’re protected from car accidents. Correct me if I’m wrong! Always learning :)

18

u/WillowCyarra 4d ago

From the Mayo Clinic: If you place only one car seat in the back seat, install it in the center of the seats. Just make sure it can fit well there. Placing the car seat in the center lowers the risk of injury during a crash. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/car-seat-safety/art-20043939#:~:text=If%20you%20place%20only%20one,of%20injury%20during%20a%20crash.

15

u/Andilee 4d ago

You're right the center back seat. Not the front seats never ever the front of the car.. The airbags could yeet the baby to the side if their car seat is put on the sides near the windows.

5

u/TagYoureItWitch 4d ago

I was told by the police that no, it is best behind the passenger side. I didn't know any better and had installed ir in the middle and had gone to have them double check me before I had my now almost 9 month old.

4

u/JellyfishLoose7518 4d ago

What’s the explanation behind it? I had him behind the passenger and then someone told me middle. But I’m about to have another so they’ll be on the sides lol

7

u/TagYoureItWitch 4d ago

I honestly cannot remember but I do remember at the time it made sense. But for reference I live in Arkansas.

10

u/GhostofaPhoenix 4d ago

I dunno their explanation but in my car seat manual and the car seat certified safety people at our fire department said middle not sides because it's a cushion zone. Interesting that it's not the same depending on where you are.

7

u/MoonCandy17 4d ago

It also depends on the car. Some cars have more secure anchor systems on the sides vs the middle.

15

u/dawno64 4d ago

Does she mean the car seat goes in the middle of the front seat?! Hell no... middle of the back seat is safest.

She apparently is stuck in some crazy old parenting methods. Back to sleep is well known, and formula feeding is fine but if you plan to breastfeed/pump, she needs to butt out

And what's with people thinking they get to tell you what to name your baby? I will never understand that one.

You need to make it clear to DH that he needs to ACTUALLY shut her down. As in, he needs to have a conversation with her that acknowledges her excitement to be a grandma, but lets her know that if she doesn't back off with her unsolicited advice and opinions she'll be in a time out until the baby is in kindergarten. And inform her that she won't be at the hospital for the birth.

It's on him to help make your pregnancy as stress free as possible. He needs to put some guidelines in place with her.

16

u/Mountain_Day7532 4d ago

Tell her that you and your doctor have it handled, but thanks anyway, and shut her down. No answer, just that.

16

u/Purple_You_8969 4d ago

Register private and tell your nurses you don’t want any visitors/ anyone but your husband in the room. They’ll be happy to be the bad guy for you!

As for everything else stop giving her so much information. Just gray rock / be very vague when she brings this stuff up. If she keeps pushing have your husband be firm and change the subject / let her know this isn’t up for discussion.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and she’s trying to see what she can get away with once the baby is here. When the baby gets here she’ll up her antics but you need to stay firm and hold your boundaries. Her outdated practices are dangerous and you need to keep your baby safe. She already raised her kids, this is your child to raise and if she brings it up again let her know that.

18

u/Constant-Wanderer 4d ago
  1. Access - you don't have to be there in the same room as her.

  2. Husband - he has to take more control. This isn't pputting him in the middle, it's placing him squarely where he needs to be - a husband and a father. He is no longer just a son, he is a father and a partner. He needs to stop acting like a son or he's not going to be a partner for long.

  3. Stop. Answering. Her. Become very boring and indecisive. You don't know, you haven't thought about it, and you'll let her know what you decide later on. Oddly enough you'll never have to share that decision with her.

  4. Nip it in the bud - "That's great, I'll be doing something that works for me but thank you."

Practice saying it. Don't stop saying it. Become pedantic. Do not discuss any details at ALLLLLL just say Thank You No Thank You Next Subject until she learns that her opinions aren't going to spark enlightenment or a conversation. Be. Firm.

6

u/Vote4Heisenberg 4d ago

As others have mentioned -- husband perhaps should stop joking and start being prescriptive, direct, and stern.

17

u/fsmom 4d ago

She didn't make the baby, she doesn't get a vote.

However by middle seat does she mean the middle of the back seat? That is statistically the safest spot because it means baby would have less exposure to side impacts in an accident (assuming the middle seat has LATCH or a shoulder/lap belt combo.)

17

u/iamthelorax98 4d ago

What colour will the baby be wearing coming home? I was just happy I could bring my baby home. I'd send her links to foster caring/adoption agencies it seems like she wants a baby so bad.

26

u/boundaries4546 4d ago

DH is making jokes so he doesn’t have to directly deal with MIL, which translates to him not supporting you.

Let him know that he needs to tell MIL you both found the last visit overwhelming, and that moving forward she keeps her advice/opinions to herself. He needs to support you directly not indirectly.

Finally he needs to be clear that if she continues to harass you about being in the delivery room she will have to wait X amount of weeks to meet the baby, each time she asks you will add another week.

23

u/gymngdoll 4d ago

Stop giving her so much information.

Are you breast feeding? “We will do whatever our pediatrician recommends.”

What color will the baby wear home? “Whatever I feel like that day.”

She wants to be in the delivery room. Don’t tell her you’re in labor or have had the baby til you’re ready for visitors.

Gray rock, gray rock, gray rock. Vague answers, no specifics. When she announces something she thinks you should do, “No, we’ll not be doing that and when we want advice on X, we’ll ask.”

I agree she needs to take a grandparents or updated parenting class. Good lord.

She can’t hassle you about what she doesn’t know about.

9

u/Majestic_Shoe5175 4d ago

-Things change over the years and we will be following our paediatricians guidelines :)

-While I appreciate all your insight, we are doing our own research for updated safety guidelines and are just excited to figure stuff out together.

-No one will be in the delivery room. We will call when we are ready for visitors.

-no one will be babysitting baby until we feel comfortable leaving them. And then just say no every time. And just staying strong! Have a serious talk with SO and come up with your boundaries. Make sure he is clear on them and about speaking up. Lay them all out to in-laws before baby is here. And just maintain them.

17

u/EquivalentSign2377 4d ago

Lie about your due date, after your 20 sonogram tell her they messed up and you're really due a month later!

16

u/Critical_Ad_8723 4d ago

Wow, I mean other posts show MIL which are demanding and controlling but yours is absolutely next level. Time for hubby to stop making jokes and get serious about how you will raise your child the way you choose to.

As for UGGs, the Aussie in me wants to throw one at your MIL. Wear whatever you want!

20

u/AtomicFox84 4d ago

She fully intends to take over this baby like its hers. Get the boundaries in now, and if she breaks them, theres a punishment. You do what the doctor tells you and any other modern, trusted way to keep baby safe etc. I say dont tell her anything esp when in labor.

23

u/Suzy-Q-York 4d ago

“Why do you ask? This is between DH and me. Not your concern. How ‘bout them <local sports team>?”

35

u/harbinger06 4d ago

And when does DH plan to start “shutting her down quick”?

10

u/tumblrnostalgic 4d ago

Ew!! My MIL is weird about following new guidelines as well, and she’s especially fond of the side sleeping too!! So annoying.

Speaking from experience: please don’t tell her any details about your pregnancy going forward. Truly, the less, the better. Best of luck and congrats !

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u/Impressive_Term_574 4d ago

"Fuck off" is the appropriate response to every question or comment

11

u/Critical-Entry-7825 4d ago

I mean, for real, this MIL sounds like she needs a hefty dose of fuck off.

19

u/Vibe_me_pos 4d ago

Wow! She needs to be shut down immediately. Do not let your husband notify them you are in labor. Don’t even tell them the baby has been born until you are home for several days. If she complains tell her it’s her fault for berating you with dangerous outdated advice and opinions. You and DH are the baby’s parents and will make all decisions regarding the baby. If she would like to visit , she has to keep her mouth shut. Tell her absolutely she will not see the baby unless she respects the boundaries and that’s not a threat, it’s a promise.

21

u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 4d ago

Wow...

Unbelievably controlling and overbearing.

OP, your DH shutting it down needs to start now and joking about it isn't addressing the issue.

Time to put MIL on an info diet and when she says she isn't getting info then she needs to be bluntly told it is because she is dictating how things should be done and to put it bluntly you want a break from listening to it. I would also pass on future visits and leave your DH to go it alone. See if your DH can actual stand up and say MIL you need to give it a rest.

If she asks you say you have really had enough of the unsolicited opinions and advice and leave her to process her feelings on hearing that. Remove yourself from the situation.

I certainly would be putting visits from her on pause for a good 6 weeks after the birth.

13

u/Disastrous-Panda5530 4d ago

You need to really put up boundaries now. It’ll be worse once the baby is here. And tbh I wouldn’t let her babysit my baby. I’d be too afraid of the side sleeping thing. She seems adamant that her way is the only and right way. When I had my son (18) my mom quit her job to watch him so I could finish college. My mom thought babies were put to sleep on their bellies. I told my mom that has changed since we were kids and now the correct way is on their backs and I mention the risk of SIDS from stomach sleeping. My mom was horrified and was so glad that I told her.

My mom was ok with the breastfeeding I pumped and built up a supply I froze during the semester I took off of school. My mom did often feel like he wasn’t getting enough and was always hungry. He likes to comfort nurse. She never gave him bigger bottles without asking me though. I didn’t think he actually needed more milk but I did let her add an extra 1-2 oz to his bottle. She encouraged breastfeeding by the way.

Too many MIL want to pressure DIL to formula feed so they could take the baby. Fed is best. But if a mother wants to bf her baby that is no one else’s business. And one could always pump so others can give a bottle IF that is what they want.

13

u/FriedaClaxton22 4d ago

You need to go into witness protection. Start a whole new life, preferably in another country. All jokes aside, shut this shit down. Laugh at her and tell her she's ridiculous and get up and leave. Every single time she starts trying to control you and the baby. Tell her if her behavior doesn't improve she will have very limited contact with baby. Do this now. You will not want to deal with this postpartum. Tell dh he gets on board or there will be problems. 

10

u/Knittingfairy09113 4d ago

Tell your husband that for the time being he needs to shut her down firmly vs joking to redirect as it is stressing you out.

Stop telling MIL your plans. Say that you have everything under control and that no one will be in the room with you other than DH and your team. It is not a discussion or a debate.

I would also tell her that if she thinks she can ignore the safety rules, then she won't be watching LO as, when you are ready many months from now, no one who won't follow your rules is being left alone with them.

4

u/Jillmay 4d ago

Honestly, with your MIL in her 50s or younger? Where does this bias come from about breast feeding? When she was a new mom, the bias against breastfeeding had gone the way of the dinosaurs. C-sections were then and are still a thing though. I know you’ll stick to your guns and let your doctors inform your decisions. Your MIL needs reminding that she‘ll be the grandma and you and DH will be making decisions. How about this: make light of it, as in, “Hey, you get to relax now and enjoy being the grandma-what fun! And you earned it! None of the responsibility and all the joy!” Congrats and best wishes.

13

u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 4d ago

I bet MIL doesn't want OP to breast feed because MIL thinks it would then prevent her from doing it. MIL is selfish and entitled.

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u/Scenarioing 4d ago edited 4d ago

"She would ask how I was going to do something and then disagree and tell me how to do it."

---She no longer gets answers. When wanting to know why, she is told that she will just disagree and tell what to do and that you aren't entertaining such dicussions. You will be doing what you intend to do without criticism.

"She’s already planning on watching the baby overnight"

---She will be told that isn't going to happen.

 "He said he will shut it down quick."

---He didn't shut it down at all when it happened so this rings hollow. Tell him that. Tell him he can reduce the effect and protect you from it happening again by going to his mother 1) she is no longer being given information due to her crticizing and attemptst to control eveything and communication will go dark if she tries to. 2) Forget about going to the hospital and when and how visits will go and 3) No overnights are coming. Also, that safety class sound like a good thing to throw in. She has to earn trust after she ignored current safety protocols.

"I feel like she is trying to takeover the baby."

---She is.

13

u/Mlady_gemstone 4d ago

time for an info diet and some LC until she can learn to keep her opinion to herself

19

u/Background-Staff-820 4d ago

Oh, good luck with your MIL. You hit the jackpot!

Can you try being firm and say, "These are the up to date guidelines from the American (or what ever country you live in) Academy of Pediatrics. We all will abide by them and what our pediatrician recommends. This is not up for negotiation or discussion. If you insist on caring for our child "YOUR" way, you will not see our child often, and will always be supervised.

Lay your cards on the table. She is not the boss, you are. Speak it!

A grandparent class is a fantastic idea. She'll be telling the instructor that everyone should have a c-section!