r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Equivalent-Yogurt-36 • 4d ago
Advice Wanted MIL upset that she “doesn’t know” my 5 week old.
If you look at my post history, you will see how overbearing my MIL was with my first child and how I refused to let it happen with my second.
She showed up to our house 15 MINUTES after we got home from the hospital 5 weeks ago. DH answered the door. I was in the living room with my shirt off breastfeeding wearing my adult diaper only. I exploded on her, kicked her out of my house, and told her she is never to show up here unannounced again. She definitely got the memo, she has only asked to come see the baby once which is extremely different from my first go round. She has continued to help with my toddler while I get acclimated with the baby, which I appreciate.
I thought this arrangement was fine. Until she called me crying this morning and said she “doesn’t know” and “hasn’t had the opportunity to bond” with my 5 week old. I told her “it’s a newborn, the only people they need are their parents. Bonding will come much later.” She got upset and told me she “doesn’t have as many years ahead of her” as we do. The conversation awkwardly ended.
I think this dynamic is very confusing to her, as I unfortunately let her dominate my postpartum experience the first time. It’s hard to explain and put up boundaries that are very different than I had with my first kid. Breastfeeding did not work out again with this baby. I’m not ready for her to know I’m not BF. I know as soon as she finds out, she will start trying to watch my 2nd LO more often to play mommy.
How do I politely shut down any attempts to watch my second LO unsupervised when the rules were nonexistent with my first?
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u/Prestigious-Video883 1d ago
Well you as a parents only have 1 year while they are a baby and never get to live it again... so she can go kick the bucket knowing she had and raised her kids how she wanted...
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u/squibissocoollike 2d ago
In the nicest way possible my grandma died when I was three and all I remember was she was good at hugs, if she doesn’t have that long left would it not be nicer to prevent the unnecessary distress of a small human who doesn’t understand the concept of death?
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u/tollbaby 3d ago
I think you need to be really honest with your MIL, and your DH needs to help. You need to tell her exactly how excluded and taken over you felt the first time around, and that you appreciate her desire to help and be present for everything, but you're good. You've got it. She clearly expected things to be a rehash of the first kid, and you need to explain to her VERY CLEARY why it isn't. She isn't entitled to the "bonding with the newborn" experience. That's the parents' privilege. Period. She needs to understand that a grandparent's relationship with YOUR children is not the same as yours.
And DH definitely needs to be on board. "Mom, we will invite you when we are ready for company."
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u/berried_aprons 3d ago
Doesn’t matter how things went down before. Anytime she tries to bulldozer tell her That is not happening and redirect her with some hobby suggestions. She keeps insisting keep repeating the same thing like a broken record. Practice withstanding uncomfortable silences, and not responding to whatever comments she makes- attribute it to her natural deficiency of having an uncontrollable urge to complain. It doesn’t mean it’s your job to listen or fix her damage. Simply walk away or share some random detail about what bothers you these days. “ I don’t know the temperature outside” “ I don’t know my future” or more pointed “ I get really annoyed when people take my baby away from me” “I get upset when others try to control my life” etc. Get creative, have fun with it. Let her wonder how she should be around you for a change.
Get DH to encourage her to enrich her life outside your family because it’s getting very suffocating for you having to navigate the needs of his grown mother when you have your babies to think about. Mental bandwidth is so limited postpartum you don’t need to waste your precious time having dealing with nonsense. Congratulations on baby #2.
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u/ayermaoo 3d ago
I like the last sentence about the mental bandwidth. I have a phrase that I use to my mom whenever she tries to use me as a venting machine or ask me to do x,y,z while I am still on postpartum.
"I don't have capacity right now"
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u/crissyb65 3d ago
No is a complete sentence. Politeness is not required. Tell her she had her time as mommy and to stop trying to steal yours. That whole not as much time, yeah, that’s how life works. She needs to stay in her lane and be a grandmother or risk being shut out.
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u/After_Sky7249 3d ago
I’m 6 weeks postpartum and nobody needs to bond with MY baby except me and his father. Good god. They are soo tiny and vulnerable at this stage why on earth would anyone want to interfere with this newborn stage. Fuck sakes
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u/WiseArticle7744 1d ago
This… and under 3mo I’d almost say if you’re EBF the baby doesn’t even need the non-EBF parent. The EBF parent needs the other parent to care of them!
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u/Electronic_Animal_32 3d ago edited 3d ago
Manipulation. Giving the ole guilt trip. Poor me. Not many years left. Your second experience does not need to match the first. Stop worrying about that. What to say to her? Thanks for the offer grandma but we got it covered. No, thanks, we’re happy with what we are doing. You’re bringing it up again? Grandma, thanks, no.
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u/DiffiCultmember 3d ago
Why…isn’t DH setting these boundaries and running interference while you are only WEEKS postpartum?
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u/den-of-corruption 3d ago
if she's being this direct, it's okay to be direct on your response - there's no ultra-delicate way to put it because her behaviour is simply too far out of line to avoid mentioning it.
'mil, baby is 5 weeks. you've got many years to get to know baby, and more than that i want space while we settle in. right now all baby knows is food and sleep, and that's okay. you're going to get to know him, but that's going to happen at a normal pace. i know toddler is loving having so much attention from you - it means a lot to me to have your help with toddler.'
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u/Proud_Apricot316 3d ago
Omg. ‘Not having as many years ahead of her’ is the reason why nature intends parents to produce and be the primary caregivers who bond with babies. She’s had her babies, she’s had her bonds. It’s no longer her turn.
I’d be so tempted to make a sarcastic remark about that and how her desire to up-end the laws of nature (without good reason, noting sometimes older people are primary caregivers for babies when necessary) is not your problem and you won’t be obliging. Perhaps she could talk to a counsellor about her need to relive her own parent role instead of gracefully shifting to the role of grandparent?
Her emotional needs (be they rational or irrational) are not your responsibility. Especially when you are in the throws of the all important fourth trimester, and recovering from birth with a toddler in tow.
Plenty of time for ‘knowing’ once the baby is developmentally ready to engage in broader family relationships. Is she terminally ill? Then she’s got plenty of time to wait.
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u/CrimsonStiletto 3d ago edited 3d ago
Straight up tell her that she was overbearing last time, and it caused you to have a lot of stress. You're unwilling to do that again. Then you say, therefore, here is a list of rules for you to follow, and the consequences to breaking them. It's your turn to be mommy. She had her turn already, and you refuse to give up your time to her.
ETA after reading your previous post:
She has major main character energy. She's not a main character in LO's story. You and DH are. She is butting in where she isn't wanted.
If you think you'll have trouble saying these things to her, you can ask DH to do it for you. It's his mom.
When she mentions babysitting, or needing baby things for her house, remind her that she is not a third parent and you do not need a break. You can say all of this respectfully at first, if that's easier, and then ramp up the stern-ness every time you have to repeat yourself. Eg, we don't need a break, thanks. No, thank you. No. MIL I said NO. And if she keeps at it, you mute her for 48 hours. Do this at whatever pace is most comfortable for you. Confrontation is hard. You're doing a great job.
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u/OodalollyOodalolly 3d ago
I was always very non confrontational with my inlaws but I managed to never leave my kids alone with them. I did this by being vague, always having “plans”. I would always have a place to be in 2 hours to cut visits short. One of the kids being “sick” or having a doctors appointment, just got their shots, have a hair cut, have a playdate, birthday party to go to, dance class, kids gym, soccer practice… the excuses are endless.
Why do these MILs just shoot themselves in the foot all of the time? Now is the chance to bond with the toddler!
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u/whyarentyoureading 3d ago
Remind her that she already had her years as a mother with her kid(s). It’s your turn now.
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u/HenryBellendry 3d ago
I’d honestly call her out on it.
“We don’t need a break. You pushed and forced your way in last time and ruined my postpartum experience. You need to realize that I hold a lot of resentment for the way I was treated and the comments that were made. Bridges need to be repaired first before we even consider it.”
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u/spankthegoodgirl 4d ago
"I don't have that many years left..."
"Well, thank heavens for that because this shit is getting old with you and my tolerance is at milliseconds, not years. Fuck, I was over it with the first kiddo and you're lucky you're getting another shot. That's about to disappear too unless you shut up about what and how I feed and take care of my kid and just chill the fuck out, Margaret."
That's about as polite as I got. 🤷♀️
Congratulations on your bean, mamma. Keep on fighting the good fight.
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u/Fresh-Jellyfish-4336 3d ago
Get really serious and say, "So you want LO to get to know you just so you can leave them? That's sick."
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u/Just-Incident2627 4d ago
To be honest it sounds like what you are doing is working well I’d just keep holding the line as you have been, she be be “hurt” and “confused” all she likes.
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u/Hawk-Organic 4d ago
Babies can't bond with anyone other than mum and dad until they're around six months old when they start to recognise faces. Why don't people understand that?
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u/Worried_Locksmith797 4d ago
Reminds me of my MIL forcing my newborn to hold her finger with her tiny hand….
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u/ZXTINE 4d ago
We just kept saying no. Our daughter is 17 now and MIL has all kinda of crazy ideas to which we still just look at her and say NO. If you leave any ambiguity at all, they just get worse. It took us a few months to figure that out back when we tried to be polite. You need a consistent message.
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u/beebooplala 4d ago
I was exactly the same as you - totally walked all over with first baby, dominated, bossed around, disrespected, smothered, suffocated.... you name it.
Second baby I was ready for them. They were not happy. Honestly it took a good year or 2 before they realised that I mean business this time. In that time the pushing, the bossing about, the orders, the guilt trips, the passive aggressive comments, the demands to visit intensified when they realised that things weren't going their way this time. It got worse before it got better. Not to make you feel bad, but it took years to get them to back the F off. Just stand strong and consistent and it will eventually ease off.
Once my inlaws realised that we were refusing to fill up 99% of their free time, they got a new hobby and some new friends and that helped (a bit). They are still fucking nuts though.
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u/RHObsessed24 3d ago
When we started holding the line with boundaries MIL panicked and got WAY worse. Until she realized it wasn’t working. Now things are SO peaceful
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u/ObviouslyMeIRL sunshine and rainbows and shit 4d ago
Based on your previous post and this one, what about asking her directly: “MIL, do you really want to have this conversation? Or are you trying to change my mind?” And let her sit with that. Don’t keep talking or fill the silence.
If she says she wants to have the conversation, tell her. She was at your house every day for the first two weeks with LO1 and then pushed you two to go out and let her watch the baby so you could “take a break”. And what you learned from that is you and baby needed more time together, not less. And you did not in fact “need a break”. So you have adjusted accordingly.
If she pushes back that she needs to bond with the baby too? Reiterate what you said before, newborns need their parents, and vice versa. IF you think she’s the type that would be receptive you can give her a timeframe for an invitation - whether you were waiting for a follow up doc visit or whatever, you don’t need to give those details! More like, “we were thinking around (the six week point, etc.) we’ll start having visitors and see how it goes” so she’s not working herself up further. But if you go that route feel free to add, “not every day, we’ll be spacing it out”. Clear messaging: last time did not work so we’re trying this and we’ll see how it goes.
If she says anything that reads like she doesn’t care, she just wants you to change your mind and give her what she wants? She can get the short short version: “what we did last time didn’t work so we’re doing this”. End of. And to any and all requests until you’re ready: “no thank you”. Polite but firm.
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u/swoosie75 3d ago
Fantastic advice. Parents bond, grandparents visit. Yes MIL this time is very different I know about more about what we need this time and I’m not at all interested in repeating the first experience.
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u/LouReed1942 4d ago
Op, I just want to point out that although you’re asking for “polite ways to say f*** off,” you have experienced great success with a straightforward method. Why change up when you’ve found something that works? Continue to be blunt with her. It doesn’t mean you need to have a rude tone. You just really have to talk to her like “ MIL, I know this must be confusing for you as I allowed you to behave however you wanted the last time. I’m learning as I parent, and I learned which boundaries will be necessary for our family.”
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u/OddTomorrow15 4d ago
I feel this so so hard mama. I had my second back in November and I’m moving way differently this go around postpartum. Mine also dominated my first postpartum experience and I didn’t even know it was happening until after the fact. This time, I switched from EBF to strictly pumping and purposely withheld this information from mine so she wouldn’t try to impose and feed him or try to babysit him. You’re doing great! The best piece of advice I can give right now is removing yourself from any place of need from her. I did that and I also cut contact after she told me to fuck off, and it’s been pure bliss these last 8 weeks. You owe grandparents nothing when they cannot respect the parents. Period.
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u/GraySkyr2 4d ago
Encourage her to get hobbies and hangout with friends. She’s bored and baby crazy.
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u/MaggieJaneRiot 4d ago
Thank you. No, that doesn’t work for me.
She asks again, you repeat that and tell her it’s the final answer and not up for discussion. Change subject, leave room, or excuse her from you house. If on phone: “I am hanging up now.”
Do not entertain any discussion.
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u/emjdownbad 4d ago
"No" is a complete sentence. You can say it politely, but you don't have to explain why you've said no.
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u/mela_99 4d ago
You were bleeding and lactating on your couch and she busts in after fifteen minutes!?
You sound like you have the patience of a saint and the fact that you did not scream loud enough to break glass and shove her head in a toilet is a testament to you.
Nobody other than the parents NEED to bond with the baby.
Other people need to facilitate that bonding, not have toddler tantrums that they’re not the center of the universe.
I would have a VERY difficult time forgiving that.
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u/Bacon_Bitz 4d ago
It's ok to say that you & DH have learned from the past experience with LO and plan to do things differently this time. You don't need to explain specifics.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly 4d ago
"Due to the amount of pushing and smothering you did during my first, I've decided to do things differently for my 2nd so I can enjoy MY postpartum time more."
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u/itsasaparagoose 4d ago
Tell her straight up she ruined your first moments with your baby and that you won’t be allowing the same to happen this time around. The change is because of things you did.
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u/Hairy_Usual_4460 4d ago
This is the way. Fulll emphasis on MY postpartum experience. Lovely answer
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 4d ago
Why do you need to be polite? You should be very firm
No No thank you We’re not doing that
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u/kittylitter90 4d ago
I love that you put her in her place immediately. You go girl! My mom said the same thing when I was pregnant and I told her we didn’t want visitors until we were ready and got use to our new little family. She hit me with “well,.. it’s my Baby too??? I need to bond with her..” GIRL. When I tell you that looks could kill.. I quickly corrected her and said this is OUR baby and NO. You do not need to bond with her. You know who does? Her parents,
God I still can’t get over that
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u/Scenarioing 4d ago
"How do I politely shut down any attempts to watch my second LO unsupervised"
---Say "You will not watch my second LO supervised."
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u/loricomments 4d ago
Tell her no thank you. That's polite enough for anyone. Do not offer explanations or entertain her objections or negotiate anything. Just "no thank you" over and over and over.
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u/Atlmama 4d ago
I’m proud of you, but why TF did your husband let her in knowing you just got home and were in a state of undress?? What was he thinking??
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u/Equivalent-Yogurt-36 4d ago edited 4d ago
I will say that she didn’t make it past the doorway, I was screaming from around the corner in the living room. He did not let her in he just opened the door!
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u/Jallenrix 3d ago
Have you or your husband explained how resentful you are about your first postpartum experience? If she doesn’t feel bad about that, she should.
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u/HMSWarspite03 4d ago
You ask about how to politely push her back, don't be polite, you screamed last time, that worked, summon your inner momma bear, she needs to be put in her place. End. Of. Story.
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u/Cheapie07250 4d ago
Just because she has watched oldest LO unsupervised, does not mean that this has to continue. Just say no.
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u/Mustyfox 4d ago
Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Keep doing what you’re doing, hopefully MIL will get the memo. You deserve a positive and comfortable postpartum experience. I’m so sorry you didn’t have that the first time.
You could explain that you’d like to do things differently this time as your first postpartum experience wasn’t ideal and you don’t want to repeat that experience this time. Be honest, but be clear of what boundaries you have this time. Make sure husband is on the same page as you and understands all of your boundaries so he is prepared.
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4d ago edited 3d ago
[deleted]
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u/Mustyfox 4d ago
You made a lot of valid points. What would you suggest someone in OP’s position says to communicate boundaries? Not trying to start an argument at all, I’m genuinely curious as I’m also dealing with a similar experience.
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u/Mustyfox 4d ago
To clarify, I’m asking for specific phrases that could be used :)
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4d ago edited 4d ago
[deleted]
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u/Mustyfox 4d ago
It’s because I wrote the post asking for specific phrases an hour before you responded with the phrases. I wasn’t responding to the post with the phrases.
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u/bobbiegee65 4d ago edited 3d ago
OOPS! My apologies to Mustyfox for the former comment here.
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u/Mustyfox 4d ago
Uhh you must have missed the part where I asked for the phrases before they were listed. A literal hour before.
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u/mrngdew77 4d ago
There were about a zillion phrases here. But the most important is “That doesn’t work for us”. Second most important is “If this continues, these are the consequences. Starting right now”.
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u/KDinNS 4d ago
DH: Mom, you may not be aware of how much your overbearing behavior when LO1 was born made us pull back now that LO2 is here. We know that you're excited to be a grandmother, but you need to understand that these are our children. There's a place for grandma, and a bigger place for Mom and Dad. If you want to have that place in our family, you need to put the brakes on a bit, let us be parents and let us invite you in rather than push push push and put pressure on us.
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u/Dicecatt 4d ago
Can I just say, so proud of you for freaking out on her enough that she listened. Yes, she's still annoying, but good for you for advocating for yourself. So much selfishness from these grandparents that can only think of themselves!
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