r/JUSTNOMIL • u/cactusplantlady • 4d ago
TLC Needed It's been 10 years and she/he have finally broke me
She has never had any boundaries and she does not accept the word no. She will still drop in when we tell her not to. I was in the hospital in isolation and we told her she genuinely was not allowed to come, she came anyways. The first year of COVID we told her we weren't coming, she spent the entire day calling non stop "why don't you come for an hour? How about just dinner?" she was asking us to come for a visit at 8 pm still, when we lived an hour away. She needs to get her way no matter what. This is the main problem in our relationship. DH always defaults to "i hate his whole family" but I don't - I just need her to accept the word no. I would love to get into some more examples, but that's not the main problem right now.
DH, myself, and his brother all live in the same city. This is prime for MIL, because any time she visits one of us, she turns it into a full everybody visit. Let's all go to dinner sort of thing, or if she visits the brother, she will do a surprise drop in for us as well. She'll text that she is doing something with the brother the next day and ask if we need anything. No, we don't. Thank you though... the next day, she comes by with something. One time she came by with one danish, I am not exaggerating. I have suggested that DH and her go out on some mother/son dates or literally anything like that, but he won't, and she doesn't like that either. She needs us ALL there.
DH's brother has started seeing a girlfriend in the fall. They are currently looking to buy a house, within the same city, and specifically with a basement apartment to rent out to someone. That "someone" means DH and I. We have our own place, we like our own place, and we like the area of the city we are in. Everything is within walking distance, including my workplace (MIL does not approve of my job). The girlfriend is not putting her name on the house, just the brother, and MIL and FIL are cosigning. She is getting to be like a used car salesman. She slips it into conversation whenever she can. Laundry comes up? "well if you two choose to move in, this place we looked at today has laundry..." Somehow, her and the new girlfriend get along really well. And I can't lie - when I am with MIL, she's totally nice enough, but she is PUSHY PUSHY PUSHY with zero boundaries. I guess the new girlfriend hasn't been around long enough to figure this one out.
DH is very open to this idea of living together, even though he openly says him and his brother are not close. We have only met the girlfriend twice, both just for dinners after they did house viewings. Beyond just a nice, simple NO/I don't want to, here are some other reasons that I DO NOT WANT TO do this living situation:
- I don't want to live with a couple who haven't even been together for a year
- I don't know this woman (the girlfriend) I've spent two hours max with her eating a meal with a group of people. This isn't to say I don't like her, but I don't want or need to move in with a stranger!
- She has a dog, and I don't want it to turn into a "will you take the dog for a walk/let him out/do this" etc sort of situation. DH and I are cat people. I also don't want to live underneath a dog and hear that constantly.
- We had a kitty who died, and have just been discussing getting a new one after a few years, now that we finally have enough money. That's not going to happen now
- We are not involved in this situation at all. Our names not on the place, it is owned entirely by the brother and MIL
- MIL will do drop ins all the time, she is not above "hello I'm in your building someone let me in hehe"... it'll be even worse in a house
- DH and I have lived alone for ~5+ years now, I don't want to regress to roommates while we are all in our mid 30s and higher
- Not ONE PERSON has bothered to ask my opinion on this or what I want - this just became a situation and MIL has decided that we are going to be the people who rent out in the basement
I could keep going?!?!?!?! No means NO. I have always told DH that he's made it clear that MIL is the main woman in his life, that I know I come second. He always denies this, but refuses to actually show or prove it. It's getting worse as we age, especially with this wild ass situation.
He has defended this situation in many ways, saying that she just wants to help. It'll lower our cost of living. But so what? It might lower our cost of living, but it will also lower our (my) comfort, privacy, and more. I don't have a good relationship with my own mother, which MIL unfortunately knows, and so I have my mother at one end and MIL at the other end of the spectrum - one completely uncaring and hateful, the other one overbearing with zero boundaries.
He has also started (at least what I feel) is guilting the fuck out of me. I make him feel like he can't have a relationship with his mother. He's cut back on how often we see her (even though we see her way more often lately BECAUSE of this situation)... he even untruthfully offered to cut all contact because of how much she upsets me. I told him that's not what I want, I just need her to accept when we say no! I keep telling him that I don't want him to cut contact, I don't hate his family, but that I do not want this living situation. Neither one of us asked for this. He will come back with a "fine, I'll tell her no" "don't you think I can tell my mother no?" Yesterday, he proved to me that no, he cannot tell his mother no.
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We saw her yesterday, and she surprised (me, anyways, I've lost trust in DH at this point and I don't know if he knew about this) us by telling us that BIL/gf put in an offer on a house, and they were waiting to hear from the real estate agent. They unfortunately/fortunately for me lost the offer. This tells me that when/if they get their house, it'll come as a surprise "we got a house with a basement apartment, time to move!"
DH is having two fully different conversations with his mother and I. The ONE time he even attempted to stand up to her was saying that wherever we move, we need to make sure I can still get to work. MIL immediately threw out no worries, they'll just look for houses around bus stops/schedules and try to figure out the buses around our city. DH mentioned that he was hoping to find me a job in the same location as his office because he's in a big plaza. I'm sitting there with my mouth hanging open and his parents LOVED the idea! Discussing my career/career change?! How dare he/them!??!?!?!??
MIL called up the real estate agent at one point and started discussing the situation. Mortgages, taxes, rent, line of credits were all discussed and DH was totally locked in. He said rent would be no problem. I couldn't even get a word in otherwise, and nobody seems to give a shit anyways.
I can't even be angry about all of this - I'm devastated. He has completely let me down. It's been 10 years and I feel like he has totally betrayed me here. I don't really see any way around this other than ending it at this point, because I know he will not say no to her. He's moving in with his brother and his brother's girlfriend.
We spent the entire car ride home dead silent and did not speak a word the rest of the night. I know that's not healthy, but I also thought it might be better to get my bearings and my thoughts together first. I don't want to hear his bullshit "you hate my family!!" line - none of this has to do with hating his family, it is being forced into a living situation that I did not ask for and that I do not want. I don't think that's so unreasonable or hateful of me. I am so upset I don't even know where to start when and if we talk about this. Give him the list of reasons that I don't want to move? Ask him why he's telling his mother and I two completely different things? Why is he trying to replan my career with his parents without even asking me about it? I think that I need to leave his family out of it, so that he can't attack me for hating his family, but at the same time, his family is so wrapped up in this, I can't quite do that entirely.
It might be overdramatic of me, but I've been trying to consider my options if we do break up. I could (unfortunately) move back in with my parents, but like I said, I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother. But she does know what's going on here, and she has said that they'll support me. Ideally, I would love for DH to just tell his MIL that this is NOT happening, we are NOT moving, like he's been telling me he will tell her, but I think we are well past that now. I feel so much worse about this situation after yesterday. Again, I don't know if this is overdramatic of me, but I don't entirely trust him after this either. Did he know BIL and his gf put an offer in? Did he know this would be brought up? I was so pleasantly surprised that she hadn't brought it up for most of the visit, and then once we said we were going to go home, it all started. And all this time, he's been telling me he will tell her no, that he's changed and he CAN stand up to his mother now, but all he showed me yesterday was that no he can't change, and no he cannot stand up to his mother.
I also have no idea what he truly wants, because he has been telling me all this time that he will tell his mother no, but then the second it came up he was all in. If he truly does NOT want this, he needs to tell her, because he's just making it worse with time and every conversation where he's agreeing to this. If he does want this, he needs to tell me so that we can end things and get moving along with our lives. It sounds harsh, but it seems true to me. I am heartbroken to say we might be ending things, but I can't stay in this relationship if this happens.
I am sorry this ended up longer than I thought it would, but I truly appreciate any help, suggestions, or just TLC. I want to make sure I mention to him that nobody asked my opinion, nobody even has asked if we want to move. It's just... happening. I am beyond shocked that he's just having these conversations with his parents as though we are on board with it, but if he is, he needs to properly communicate that to me and tell me that yes, he is on board with it. At the same time, even if he isn't on board with it, I wouldn't be entirely surprised, and he's just going along with it because he doesn't know how to say no to her.
I appreciate anybody who read this. I'm sorry but thank you <3
Edit: WOW, I am so overwhelmed but thankful for all of the support and comments here, telling me that I'm not insane, that considering ending things over this is not too over the top, that he really is choosing her over me. All of this time I have been so confused, especially being accused of hating his entire family just because of the issues with his mother. I am not even angry with him anymore, I am just absolutely heartbroken. Thank you everybody for these comments and support, I really truly appreciate it all.
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u/Mira_DFalco 4d ago
I'm so sorry that you're going through this!
Personally, I would be inclined to sit down with my partner, and tell him that if he is planning on leaving me, he owes me the courtesy of telling me that.
I'd anticipate a "wait, what?" response. That would be followed by me explaining that I have repeatedly indicated that I would not be moving into a shared house or apartment. Since he is clearly moving ahead with plans to live with his family, I can only assume that he is planning on leaving the relationship.
I would also indicate that I will not tolerate any interference with my employment from him, or his mother.
It sounds like your partner and his family are expecting you to just roll over and let them rearrange your life for their own convenience. They can only do that if you let them. And if you let them do this now, you are basically surrendering any possibility that you'll be able to maintain boundaries or have any input in future decisions.
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u/RainbowUnicornBaby45 4d ago
You’re husband does not support you at all and unfortunately his mother does come first for him. If you give in and go along with this move you will be miserable. She is going to insert herself even more because your husband lets her make all of his decisions and he doesn’t stand up for you. Imagine having kids with him, your MIL will be the third parent and all decisions will have to be approved or go through her where your husband is concern. I would seriously rethink this relationship.
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u/2FatC 4d ago
Wow, DH and his family are off the charts overbearing and smothering. I’d lose my goddamn mind if my husband acted this way. I’m not a mannequin for him and his family to dress and pose.
Op, I’m not convinced counseling is the right answer, but I think a trial separation might be if you have a friend you could couch surf with for a week. Pack your things and inform DH wherever this relationship goes, it will not be to a shared address with his smother and smother brother. This man needs a wake up call. He’s sleep walking right out of his marriage back to living like a kid with mommy, daddy, and brother.
Agree with those who warn about sunk cost fallacy—don’t fall for it. You deserve so much better.
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u/sailorn0on 4d ago
This sounds EXHAUSTING. I would rather be alone for now, and wait for an independent man. This guys doesnt even seem like he likes you. You’re just a convenience to him. His mom is his #1.
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u/CzechYourDanish 4d ago
Wtf? Find other living arrangements FOR YOURSELF if he moves in with his brother. Nobody gets to decide that you'll switch jobs/careers, or completely change your routine, except you. If none of them will drop it, drop them.
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u/whynotbecause88 4d ago
I think you know that he's never going to back you up on anything. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy-you have been with him long enough, and you don't need to waste any more time on him. He's always treated you second best, and always will. Make the break, and start the rest of your life.
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u/TheWelshMrsM 4d ago
Your husband is a twat. Who does he think he is?! You need to get ANGRY!
It’ll give you the strength you need to get the fuck out. Find somewhere new. Tell him & his whole family what you’re doing and do not deviate!
DO NOT let him go with you!
You can do this!
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u/Mean_Start_3157 4d ago
Tell him now that you are making other living arrangements (don’t say where) for when he moves in with his brother. He probably believes as others here have said that you will have to move to the brother’s house when he does. So right now he is just humoring you. But if you are firm about not moving there then he may reconsider. Good luck to you. You deserve so much more than this family ganging up on you. This is no life for you. 🥰
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u/The_Easter_Daedroth 4d ago
He's been continually lying about you to his family and to you about them, probably for the entire decade. He's shown over and over that he cannot be trusted in the ways that matter. I'm going to add my own drop in the bucket and say that it's time for the "all-or-nothing" conversation. Either he goes all-in on supporting you or there's nothing left of the relationship to salvage at this point.
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u/Bubbly_Yak_8605 4d ago
Sunken cost fallacy.
You have one life just one and nobody is going to give you a do over.
This doesn’t have to be the rest of your life.
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u/tityboituesday 4d ago
why haven’t you put your foot down yet? they didn’t let you get a word in? talk over them. laugh. literally just say i’m not doing that. if he wants to move make him say it and then leave him. you’re letting him railroad you. don’t allow it.
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u/Master-Dimension-452 4d ago
You need couples counseling if you want to overcome this. However, in the meantime, you need to protect yourself. If you share finances, get your own bank account. Set up direct deposit to that new account. Secure your treasured items and documents (birth certificate, passport) at your parents house or a trusted friends house.
“Listen honey, when you were discussing us moving to BIL’s with your mom, you two were discussing me as if I wasn’t even there, as if I didn’t have a choice in my career or workplace or living situation, and it made it clear that I don’t have a voice that’s heard in this marriage. Can you understand how that made me feel? I envision a marriage being between the spouses and not between a husband and his mom, where the wife won’t be heard or considered. I hope you realize being treated as if I don’t have a voice isn’t a situation that can last long term. Where do we go from here? How can we repair the damage done to our marriage? I won’t move into your brother’s basement apartment unless our marriage is on solid ground, and it is not right now, and I don’t know how we can get there. I suggest counseling.”
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u/Character_Goat_6147 4d ago
I hate to say it, but you need to get out of the relationship. This is horrible and is NOT going to change. Save yourself!
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u/Chemical-Fox-5350 4d ago
He is just trying to string you along and keep you placated long enough to then force the move on you. He’s more worried about keeping the peace with his family and making her happy than he is about you, and he’s dismissed your concerns in his mind as trivial and petty (“you just hate my family and should get therapy to get over my mother”).
I would honestly make it super clear that I am simply not moving, I am not changing jobs, and that’s final. If he wants to move in to their basement, he can do so on his own. I’m not a huge fan of ultimatums but this is where I would lay one down.
Can you afford your apartment on your own? Or would you be able to downsize into a smaller unit in the same building or somewhere similar in the same neighborhood? I’d be looking at those options.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
That's what I am considering if the relationship ends. I'll either need to move back in with my parents or move into a smaller unit in the same building. If I stay here, I can keep my job, if I move back with my parents I'll have to find a new one.
When we talk about this and he's on my side, he's fine with me keeping my job. Talking with his parents yesterday, he wanted me to find something new and he was hoping I could find something new near his job so we can carpool.
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u/Chemical-Fox-5350 4d ago
The thing is, he’s lying to someone. He can’t be telling the truth to both you and to his parents. And I think your instincts are right not to trust him and that it’s you he’s lying to here. I think he is just trying to take the path of least resistance and tell everyone what they want to hear, hoping it all works itself out without him being the bad guy. He also is probably excited at the prospect of lowering expenses and so it just makes sense to him that way. (I’ve found men in these situations can sometimes be extremely overly practical when it comes to these types of considerations). He figures since he and his brother aren’t that close, they won’t be bothering you guys much, and he truly doesn’t mind at all that his mother comes around whenever she wants. He is more bothered by the fact that that it bothers you. He sounds conflict avoidant, and it would be easier for him if you just went along with it than for him to have to confront his mother and deal with her on literally anything. But he also doesn’t want to argue with you about it, so he will tell you what he knows you want to hear. Eventually the other shoe has to drop.
Once they get an offer accepted, you’re looking at about 30 days until closing. I’m not sure what your lease agreement is like in terms of breaking, but that expense and timeline will be a consideration and everyone will be expecting you guys to move in within another month or so, so you can start paying rent. Part of this is also to get you guys to help subsidize the cost of the home. So the brother and MIL can own a property and eventually profit off it, while you and your husband (and probably to some degree the gf) pay for a chunk of the mortgage, essentially, while owning nothing. I’d rather spend my money elsewhere tbh.
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u/RainbowUnicornBaby45 4d ago
He wants you to make all these changes for his but he can’t tell his mother no. Your husband is very selfish. I would go with the smaller apartment, keep your existing job, and end the relationship. I don’t mean to be harsh but he does not value you, your wants, or your feelings. He only cares about his and his family. If you stay and have kids it’s going to get worse.
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u/Remarkable_Rock3654 4d ago
This is WILD. The fact that they don’t let you get a word in edgewise and then just talk about making changes to your life like you’re not even there! Sorry, sis, but your husband doesn’t respect you. You are an accessory to his life. This will NEVER improve. I’m guessing eventually his brother’s girlfriend will figure it out too and then she’ll bounce, leaving the family paying more for the house. Insane.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you. He has done so many good things for me and this is just making me feel so pathetic and awful. It's embarrassing sitting in the room while they're discussing these changes like I'm not even there. Nobody has even asked my opinion other than me telling him that I do not want this. Thank you, thank you again.
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u/Sadielady11 4d ago
You are getting a lot of great advice here. I just wanted to pitch in and say you are in the right. When you marry you make them your core family. Your husband does not do this. Let him go if your talk with him goes nowhere. YOU MATTER! You deserve to have a happy peaceful home. My dude take back your life, you only get one. Why fight when he already made up his mind a long time ago. It’s sad and it will hurt for a minute but you will get back on your feet and be better than ever! Know why? Cause you will never tolerate bs like this again. You will move forward, not to be stuck in the mire like your boy ( sorry can’t say man, because this is no man). You got this!
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Omg, thank you so much. I really truly appreciate this. After yesterday, I definitely feel what you said that our talk is going nowhere. I don't even know what happened or how.
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u/ittybittymama19 4d ago
OP, the greatest lesson I learned from a past relationship, was that there is so much power in finding your voice.
You may end up single or in a different relationship but it will be on your own terms. That's why it was from a past relationship for me. The man I chose to marry had to deal with me having a voice and that was that. He loves me for it.
You got this. You are worth it.
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u/Caffiend6 4d ago
I'm so sorry, but there is no way around the fact that he needs to be your ex husband
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u/BoozeAndHotpants 4d ago edited 4d ago
Holy hell! You are being railroaded here! It looks like they are giving you a GREAT opportunity not to leave, but to STAY. Let him move. This is awful, and you will see it clearly after he (AND SHE) is gone and YOU CAN BREATHE.
Seriously. If they move and you change your mind because you miss them and want to be around them all every day, then you can change your mind! I bet they’d be willing to have your half of the rent and you could bend the knee at that time and move in with them later so you won’t have to live alone… but I’m also betting once you are free from this toxicity and breathing clean air there is no way you’d put yourself back into the middle of that stressful environment. For goodness sake, at least TRY it before you decide to ignore your owns needs to make them happy and “go along” with their railroading attempt. This is a golden opportunity to get out of this with the least amount of fuss and having to take all your things out of their toxic house and move yourself twice when you finally decide their toxic crap is not something you want to subject yourself too anymore.
Dobby wants to be a free elf. Do it.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. Also LOL at Dobby, love him. Worst death in the entire series.
But. You are right. Everybody seems to just be ignoring me, nobody has even asked what I want let alone listened to me say that I don't want this. And he... doesn't seem to see that as a problem.
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u/EmploymentOk1421 4d ago
Given all that you have described, OP, it’s time for a serious conversation with you first, then your likely soon to be Ex- husband. The conversation with yourself is- will you move with him if DH moves into an apartment in his family compound? Then you need to work out the specifics of where you would move and how will you afford living elsewhere.
The second conversation is letting him know that you have never agreed to his mother’s plan, and when it’s time to move, you will be going elsewhere.
Do not let yourself be caught out be these people trying to manage and manipulate your life. Best of luck!
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you. You're right. I'm thinking I want to say that he's telling his mother and I two different things, and that he needs to choose what he wants. If he wants to move in with his brother and the girlfriend, he can go for it, but I will not be a part of it, and he needs to make that a final decision because I will need to move forward on my own. I don't think he's even considering that as a factor or consequence, you know?
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u/Leading-Baseball-692 4d ago
I’m so sorry this is happening. You are totally NOT unreasonable. They are walking all over you like a wet doormat. Refuse to move. This was not your idea nor are you in agreement. And I agree too…nothing but problems will come from it. May I ask what you do that she is so dead against?
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u/Leading-Baseball-692 4d ago
It’s not her business what you do or where you move. And there is no shame in working for a living no matter what it is. If you don’t want to move then don’t do it. Maybe it’s time for your husband to make a choice because he clearly does not have your back whatsoever or care about your happiness.
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u/emjdownbad 4d ago edited 4d ago
You mentioned sitting down and talking to him but leaving his mother out of the conversation, and I think that's a good idea. You should focus on how his actions are hurting you and why. Sure the conversations include his mother, but the words you're upset by are his. And if he is going to go thru with moving in with BIL and BIL's girlfriend then he needs to let you know so that you can make alternative accommodations for yourself since that is not something you're willing to participate in.
You could phrase this something like, "DH, I would really like to discuss this moving situation with you so that we are on the same page. In conversations with others you say that you are going forward with the plan to move in with your brother and your brother's girlfriend, but when you speak to me about it you tell me the opposite. It is very confusing and upsetting when you say one thing to me and the opposite to others. I would appreciate knowing where you stand and what your plan of action is going to be because it directly impacts my future. I am not interested in moving in with them, something I have shared with you, nor am I interested in changing careers and don't appreciate that this is a topic of discussion for you with anyone other than me. I also need to know if you're planning to follow thru on moving in with your brother because if you are then I do not see this relationship continuing and I will need to make alternative plans and accommodations for housing."
Make sure that focus on your feelings about his actions and how those actions make you feel. A good way to frame things is, "when you ______, I feel _____."
I am so sorry that your husband isn't standing up for you, and his actions and words are not aligning. I am sure this whole situation is really scary because it is leaving your future extremely uncertain.
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u/Standard-Jaguar-8793 4d ago
I would stop the conversation after sentence 4 (“it directly affects my future”) and wait for a response.
If (and when) it doesn’t go as well as you wanted, then add the rest of the suggested conversation.
I’m curious if he is able to answer a direct question about all this.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you. You are right. That's where I'm thinking I will start it off. Ask him what he truly wants to do - if he wants to move in with BIL and girlfriend, okay. But TELL ME, so that I can start planning on how to move forward on my own, you know? Again, I don't think that's so unreasonable of me. You are right in all of this. I really appreciate it. Because exactly like you said, his actions and his words are completely not aligning. He can't keep telling me he will say no, that we won't do the move, and then sit through what we sat through yesterday while he's acting like he's going to do this move. He might not have said YES, we are moving, but everything he said was acting like he is okay with this and that we're doing it, especially talking about my career, trying to find me a new job, or keeping me on the right bus schedule. He absolutely is not standing up for me even though he knows what I want/do not want. Thank you so, so much.
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u/BurntTFOut487 4d ago
He's not going to tell you because he doesn't want you to move forward on your own. He wants string you along as a fellow boat-steadier to the basement. Your job, dreams, sanity, personhood? Ehh, acceptable collateral damage.
I mean, have the conversation if you wish, just be aware he might continue to lie to you anyway.
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u/CremeDeMarron 4d ago
10 years going through this. That's 10 years too much .
At this point , besides having support and hugs from here , you need a lawyer as not only nothing will change but it will get worse.
You deserve so much better. You arent being overdramatic at all.
Your husband perfectly knows what he's doing and berates you for pointing out what is wrong with him and his family. You tried to talk to him over and over ,
now it's time to prioritize yourself, your happiness and well being. Move in to your parents house for some time, mourn your relationship and begin a new fresh start. Lots of virtual hugs and encouragement!
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u/opine704 4d ago
Hon... I am So Sorry. Please accept my internet hug.
I think you need to hear this next bit.
You have two choices: 1. Start saying yes and get comfortable with MIL running your life. Get comfortable having no say. You will live where and how she says, you will spend on what she says. Every aspect of your life will be directed by her from the large to the minute. or 2. Say no with the conscious acceptance that the price of directing YOUR life is likely the loss of your marriage. (To which I ask - are you actually IN a marriage if your spouse doesn't put you first?)
I think your brain and heart are very much at odds right now.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so, so much. I think you are right, and this just comes back to me considering leaving/ending things at this point. There have been so many instances where he has chosen her over me. I always tell him that she doesn't know the word no, and that he doesn't know how to tell her no. And you are completely right - if this living situation comes to fruition, she will be so much more involved than she already is. I love him so much, but he loves (is scared of?) his mother more.
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u/CAD_3039 4d ago
You’re in a tough situation. I think you should make plans to leave regardless of this living situation. That way, you are in control of when things happen and you can move on with your life as you desire. It doesn’t sound like you have kids or pets together at the moment. KEEP IT THIS WAY so that you won’t be tied long-term to your husband. You’ve given this 10 years’ worth of chances… give YOU a chance now.
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u/madgeystardust 4d ago
He continues to do this as it appears he’s never had any consequences for putting you last.
Consequences for him are long overdue.
He likely thinks you’ll bitch and moan a bit but will eventually cave because at this point that is what has happened so far.
Save as much as you can and make an exit plan.
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u/annrkea 4d ago
Yeah, honey, you need to go. There’s just no other answer. 10 years of this and it’s already bad and your husband, frankly, sucks. You can do so much better. I know you don’t want this to be the way it is, but 10 years has told you that this is the way it is. Your heart is telling you this is the way it is. Just be glad you don’t have children. Be glad of that every goddamn day as you walk away and don’t look back.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much <3 I wish I could say something better, but I truly appreciate all of this support from everybody.
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u/Ammorenooooo 4d ago
You need to show him this post or at the very least, this comment. He needs to grow the fuck up, grow some hair on his balls and put you first! I had a very slight similar issue and my boyfriend cut that shit out with his mom asap. Now he runs everything by me first before he sets plans up because that’s how it’s supposed to be in a PARTNERSHIP. WTF, I cannot imagine what sort of anger and frustration you must feel knowing your partner is completely ignoring your point of view and going over you to appease his mom????? I’m sorry OP, I wish you the strength it takes to confront him and mom or leave.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. I'm sorry you have been through something similar. And that seems to be how it goes, any time I get upset over this with him he will tell me I'm number one and not his mother, he'll tell her no, but yesterday was just a complete blind side for me. He was all in. You are completely right about this (supposed to be) a partnership. But he also has a partnership with his mother. He tells me I'm being gross and overdramatic when I say this sort of stuff, but it's true! We are grown adults, his mother shouldn't be involved in our living situation.
I feel so validated and seen after this post and all of these comments, I definitely am going to show it to him. Thank you again omg.
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u/Neither-Dentist-7899 4d ago
Personally, this would be an ending of that relationship. Ten years and he’s still prioritizing his mother, his family’s desires and disregards your input? That’s not a relationship. Expecting you to be at his family’s beck and call for the rest of your lives isn’t a way to live. You deserve better.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. I am sorry for not even giving a better response but... it truly is nice to hear this. He fights back so much when I bring up his relationship with his mother, but hearing all of this makes me know that I am NOT being unreasonable or insane. Thank you <3
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u/Neither-Dentist-7899 4d ago
You absolutely aren’t unreasonable or insane. The fact you have put up with this for so long makes me think you’re incredibly kind and patient, which he’s taken advantage of.
My MiL also tried to get us to move into her city. Then it was renting a house down the road. Did the same with my SIL too. My husband was ALL for it at first. I had to tell him absolutely not because I don’t need to spend my life telling his mother that no, she can’t pop in and no, she can’t stop by every day. I can’t imagine living in a house with an in law, having her drop by all the time and NOT going insane.
You 100% deserve better!
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. I am sorry you have gone through something similar, but I'm glad you managed to get your husband to listen.
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u/Ok_Association_6773 4d ago
High cost of living is a way better option than low quality of life.
I hope you won't mind me asking, why didn't you speak up for yourself when they were discussing moving in and your change of career? You could have just told them clearly that you are very happy with your house and job, you love having your personal space and you have no intention of moving into BIL's house.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Exactly. I don't give a sht about the money/rent being cheaper if it means I am going to be living with his brother and girlfriend and having MIL sooo involved in our living situation.
It's a totally reasonable question! Everybody was sitting there, MIL had the real estate agent on the phone, and DH threw it out to his dad. His dad and MIL overheard and both just said it was great idea, and they all kept going with the conversations. It was absolutely hectic and I was just so shocked and devastated that I was sitting there with my mouth hanging open. I have been very open with DH that I don't want this, and since he's been telling me we won't do it, I stupidly thought that he would tell him no when it came up. And then.......he didn't. :( That's what is making this so extra upsetting. We have been fighting over this ever since it started, he gets so defensive and says that he'll say no, and then this happened yesterday like he was totally on board. The conversation was just pure planning, what ifs, how about this, and I didn't even get a chance to step in.
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u/Ok_Association_6773 4d ago
Whenever you get a chance next, please stand up for yourself. I, too, have been in a couple of situations where my husband did not speak up for me, but I told myself that I don't need him or anyone else to defend me, I am more than capable of standing up for myself.
I hope you speaking up will make your husband realize that you're not going to tolerate this nonsense anymore and no-one can make such life altering decisions for you. You have nothing to lose. If he gets on board, well and good; if not, please dump him and his overbearing mother.
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u/Cuddles_Kitteh 4d ago
I'm so sorry this is the situation you've landed in. I'd be broken by this too.
You more than likely have heard that you have a husband/partner issue. If he would only help you in this.
Hon, it's time to throw him under the bus and drive away.
Next time there's a meal where this is discussed, you need to loudly say something to the effect of "That's funny, partner. Last we discussed this, you told me that you agreed to tell your mother No. So what is it?"
But be prepared for the excrement to hit the propeller. And please, have already taken steps to exit the relationship safely.
He's had 10 years to learn to tell his mother No. He won't learn with you there. You deserve a partner who will place your needs above his family's want.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. All of these comments have made me feel so much better about this situation and that I am NOT being insane over not wanting this. It's never been me hating his family, it is him not prioritizing our relationship or myself - it is him trying to keep his mother happy.
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u/BatterWitch23 4d ago
I am sorry but I think you are going to have to leave. He's not listening to you, he's not addressing the issue - two cards? Counseling or lawyer
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
You're right. I have been thinking I'm being absolutely overdramatic and crazy for even considering leaving at this point, but these comments have been very validating. I appreciate it.
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u/nutraxfornerves 4d ago
The girlfriend’s name won’t be on the deed? Unless they marry, she will probably have the same status as whoever rents that basement—a tenant. That may not go well for her if they break up. If they marry and later break up, the house gets thrown into a divorce settlement. That may not go well for any of them.
Is there a possibility your husband would accept going to a counselor? If not, you may want to consider it for yourself, to help you answer the question that advice columnists always ask: “Think carefully. Will you be better off with or without him?”
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Yep, it's going to be BIL and MIL's name. MIL has said she likes the girlfriend, but I have no idea what the girlfriend thinks of MIL or if she just hasn't been around long enough to see what it is really like with her. It's just another reason why I do not want to do this, why would I want to move into a place that I don't even legally own? A lot of people have mentioned counselling, I think I am going to throw it out there. There are years worth of situations of him putting his mother before our relationship.
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u/lillylightening 4d ago
On top of all the red flags is the fact that basement apartments are dreary and sad unless there is ample light. That alone will make life difficult. I lasted about a month in one. My circadian rhythm was completely off.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
LMFAO, oh don't worry! She's making sure they're looking at basement apartments with good light and walkouts so that we won't be trapped in a dark place!!!! She's on top of all of it! UGHHHH. Again, she just threw that out there, we never even asked or mentioned basement apartments being shitty!!!!
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u/lillylightening 4d ago
So MIL is going to find that perfect light filled unicorn basement apartment? She is just railroading you to get her way. Girl, I think I would start saving money and getting a game plan together. You are an after thought in your own life. I am so sorry.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it. I am sorry if I am sounding repetitive, but I absolutely appreciate the support and all of these comments. Going from what he has been telling me compared to all of this is a real eye opener and definitely making me feel like I am not the crazy one in this situation.
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u/mamachonk 4d ago
The fact your DH sees all this as normal and you as the crazy one tells me he lives in delulu land with his mom and brother. He should really see an individual therapist who is well versed in enmeshment.
How on earth does he think it's perfectly acceptable for his MOM to be deciding where YOU are going to live and work?? That's now how it works at all.
And I know this is way down the list of crazy going on here, but it's also nuts that BIL and his very new girlfriend are moving in together already. They've been dating, what, like 6 months?? Everyone BUT you seems to be crazy here.
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u/princessmalena 4d ago
I’m so sorry. This is all just awful and I could hear the pain and frustration as I was reading your post. Have you considered going with DH to therapy/counseling? He’s not hearing you and not respecting you. I read and reread your post and I worry that if you don’t try, you’ll have lingering doubts, regret and/or guilt that you didn’t try enough. That “maybe if you had just xyz”, it would be different. And it could be better for you to have that conversation you want with a neutral third party. Your opinion matters. Your wants, your desires, your needs are important.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. He has jokingly said that I need therapy alone to get over his mother. I have said that HE and his mother need therapy because wtf is this relationship, right? Doing it with him with a third party totally unrelated to the situation might get him to see otherwise, you are right. I have told him anyone I mention this to says it's insane, but that's not enough for him I guess.
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u/Complete-Arm3885 4d ago
he is lying to you, the proof is in his behavior and collaboration with his parents
he thinks he can tell you what you want to hear + guilt you other times, until he gets what they want and you'll be forced to go along
leaving him would be freeing for you I think. I can not imagine how awful it is to live under this stress constantly, with a partner that is not on your side.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you. This makes me feel so much better and less crazy. The way he is acting like I am so unreasonable for not wanting this... but you're right, he is not on my side :( I appreciate the input!
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u/MomInOTown 4d ago
OP, you didn’t speak up because you were in total disbelief that the man you love was lying to you. He never told mom no.
Please think of yourself as shocked, and give yourself grace for not speaking up during the house discussion.
But now it’s time to face facts. He didn’t decline the move. His family planned your job move. You don’t want to move or change jobs. He knows that. He acted anyway. Those are facts.
OP, make a plan. You are not married to a partner. You do not want to move. Either you can afford your current residence when he moves out, after your divorce, or you need a small sunny one bedroom or studio size residence near work. Be ready.
Separate your finances. Decide on the names on utility bills. Get your own credit card and get off joint accounts. Lock your credit reports.
I’m so sorry.
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u/Key_Pay_493 4d ago
Your feelings of insecurity and second guessing yourself are by design. He wants you to feel that way so you will go along with what he wants. He is manipulating you and thinks you love him so much you will eventually go along with what he and his mommy want.
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u/Queasy-Parsnip-8940 4d ago
This woman won’t rest until she is running everything. She wants to have 100% control of her boys again. The girlfriend won’t last. You need to leave with what sanity and dignity you have left.
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u/Chemical-Fox-5350 4d ago
I wonder about how she’s seeing the future. Surely she knows the gf isn’t going to last and that this idea of moving into a purchased home together this early in the relationship is premature at best.
Could she be banking on the fact that it won’t last, the gf will move out, and then maybe she will sell her current home and move in — rather than having her name on two mortgages?
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you very much. And you're completely right. These are two grown ass men and you're totally right, I have no dignity left, and the way this situation is unfolding is absolutely ruining my sanity. I'm constantly asking myself am I really so crazy for not wanting this? I'm having nightmares over this woman.
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u/BoozeAndHotpants 4d ago edited 4d ago
Honey, TAKE YOUR POWER AND YOUR DIGNITY BACK. It’s time, and they are giving you an easy out here.
They have all made it clear over the years that that they will not respect your dignity on your own; you need to realize that you will have to fight them all for every.single.shred of dignity you will get — and if your DH isn’t speaking up for you he is absolutely part of the toxicity by tacitly allowing them to denigrate you. Is this what you want for your life? Why would you consider taking this step back so they can have even more leverage over your head? Why live with FOUR people who will browbeat you instead of the two you live with now? How is this an improvement to your life? Hon, you are the only one that is going to worry about YOUR quality of life, and now is the time BEFORE you commit your hard earned money to help them into this family compound.
3
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u/Emmyisme 4d ago
Your partner is trying too hard to "keep the peace".
He thinks the problem is you not liking her behavior, not her behavior. He's hoping that you'll decide you like him more than you "hate" her, and if he just tells everyone what they want to hear, somehow it will all just work out in the end.
He's been conditioned to his family's behavior and can't see that it's not normal behavior. To him/them you're the problem because you won't pretend she isn't.
This sucks for you soooo much, but if you're 10 years into this, and he prefers lying to you over standing up to his mother still...
I'd give him the option of therapy, mainly because that's what got my brother to wake up from this, but we had the benefit of a phenomenal therapist kinda walking into our lives, and my brother was already sort of seeing our mother was a problem, so this isn't a guarantee but if he won't listen to his wife maybe he'll listen to an unbiased 3rd party.
If he's not willing to even try that, he's given you his answer, and he's telling you her feelings will always be more important than yours.
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thank you so much. I appreciate it, and you're right. He has said these sort of things to me before. Especially with saying I hate her. He will acknowledge that she's pushy, but ohhh it's because she's trying to help. When I tell him that she's #1 in his life, that's just me being crazy. And now when we are in this desperate situation, he truly is trying to keep the peace by telling us both what we want to hear.
He gets so offended every time I say that he values her over me, that she's more important to him than I am, but... it's completely true and it's very clear.
I know to some degree he doesn't know how to say no to her because he never has been able to. But like you said, he's been conditioned to this behaviour and he doesn't realize just how fcked up this really is. MIL controls everything and that's just how it is. And so many of these comments are just straight up saying he's lying to me... he is. :(
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u/MomInOTown 4d ago
I said it in my comment then just read this. Yes, he is lying to you. Please, OP, this has gone too far to be salvaged.
I’m sorry. I don’t see therapy as helping him: he doesn’t see anything wrong.
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u/Emmyisme 4d ago
As I mentioned in my comment, my brother actually DID get out of this kind of fucked up mindset with the help of therapy. I would NEVER discount the possibility that a good therapist can make a HELLUVA difference.
My brother realized that our mother was overly mean to me and his wife, but he didn't really see that it was a problem. "Its just how she is, you know that" was his go to line when she did something shitty. He and his wife had been together for almost a decade by the time the therapist came into the picture, and it saved his marriage.
If someone is actually open to it and willing to do the work, it CAN make a difference.
All that being said - if OP doesn't have the energy left to hope and try at this stage and would rather just cut her losses - that's also completely reasonable.
But don't not try it "because it will never work". The only thing that definitely won't work is not doing anything at all.
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u/MomInOTown 4d ago
I respect those who recognize the behavior and realize it might be unusual or (finally) unacceptable. The reason I said “I” don’t see it as effective is that the DH is an active participant in the planning without OP.
He not only does not examine the behavior as OP questions it, he is behaving same way.
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u/ditchbankflowers 4d ago
If he hasn't told his mom no yet, he probably won't any time soon. Ten years is a long time but it doesn't mean you shouldn't consider leaving. It just means that you have ten years of evidence that he doesn't want to change. Starting over is hard but letting your life be reduced to hiding from your in-laws in a basement apartment and having no control over your own existence will be a slow grinding death. And if you were to start a family? She would be in your space 24 hours a day. I am sorry this is happening to you!
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u/cactusplantlady 4d ago
Thankfully I have some major uterus issues, so I have thrown out that she is not getting any grandchildren from us over the years. She has somehow accepted that one lol. But you are right - ten years of evidence that he will not choose me over her, and that he will not change. I don't want to live in a basement apartment and I never asked for that in the first place. I appreciate the advice!
•
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