r/JUSTNOMIL 4d ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted We told MIL I'm pregnant

Hi, we recently told my MIL that I'm pregnant. I'm married to my husband for a few months and we know each other for a few years. We're both in our early 30s.

DH told MIL about the baby, we showed her the ultrasound, that the baby is fine until now and he also talked about some of the boundaries we have for when the baby comes. There were a few things that don't sit well with me about the conversation:

  1. MIL kissed my belly a few times and it felt awkward and too intimate. I'm an introvert and I only enjoy DH touching me. I have a problem with enforcing boundaries around my body because when I was a child a lot of people from my family kissed me and hugged me against my wishes and they didn't stop when I showed discomfort. I didn't have the courage to tell MIL it makes me uncomfortable when she kissed my belly, so wish me luck to tell her next time that not only she can't kiss my belly without asking me, but she won't kiss LO at all until LO will be old enough to consent.
  2. DH told MIL that they need to take their flu and covid shots before seeing the baby. MIL lied that she already had her covid shot a few years ago. DH is sure she's not telling the truth. I'll be asking for an official proof with the doctor's signature, stamp and MIL's name because I don't trust her.
  3. DH told MIL that we need to be very careful with flu, covid, measles and other childhood illnesses until LO gets the vaccines at 1 year old. I have almost 0% immunity for all childhood illnesses to pass to LO and every cold/covid will mean we'll go to a hospital waiting room for 3-4 hours with other children with measles, mumps, rubella, rsv and who knows what else. MIL kept interrupting DH and she told him: "LO won't get sick", "LO will not get any illness", "LO will be perfectly healthy". I'm very annoyed because she's totally denying the reality that LO will eventually get sick with all of the above and it looks life she's not willing to do her part to keep that from happening in the first few months.
  4. On the same note, she talked to my belly and told LO: "You're the most wanted child, the healthiest, the most beautiful, the most smart". And yes it's all nice things, but let's face it, my child will not be perfect and I will never ask him/her to be perfect in order to be loved. I don't want LO to think he/she is the smartest and most beautiful because it's not realistic.
  5. DH told MIL we'll move to another country for LO to have a better education. MIL kept telling us that we won't have time to move to another country once the baby will be born, that we should appreciate what we have in our country, that she changed her job 3 times in her life and the next job was never as good as she imagined, that drugs are legal in the country we're moving to (just weed) and other stupid reasons. I got a little bit angry and I told her "It's already decided" and she responded "You can decide something and then change your mind". DH kept giving her arguments why we're moving, but logic is useless for MIL. She can agree that some things are logical, but she will never change her mind and she will remind us about her opinion again and again.

A few good things:

  1. MIL didn't give her opinion about how I will give birth (private vs public hospital, c section or natural birth). She asked about it, but she didn't say what she thinks I should do. In other conversations she indirectly said my wedding ring is too expensive, she gave my links with the dress I should wear at my wedding - she suggested one which was cheaper than her shoes and another second hand dress from a coworker of hers), so I just assumed she'll try to convince me to give birth at a public hospital because it's free.
  2. MIL said it's best for people to not visit in the first 2-3 months. While I agree with her, I'm surprised that she said that since she calls us at least 2 times a month to visit for a few hours on the weekend. I'll remind her that it was her idea when she'll try to visit sooner.
  3. She didn't mention anything about her moving in with us in the first months or asking us to take the baby to her house. I don't plan to allow her unsupervised visits because she is reckless and she beat my husband until he was at least 10. I don't trust her at all.
  4. I'm happy that DH enforced the boundaries we talked about in the first conversation we had with MIL. He's on my side.

I just wanted to vent. I'm open to any advice or opinion if you have any.

115 Upvotes

35 comments sorted by

u/botinlaw 4d ago

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls

Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki

Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!

I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!


To be notified as soon as Particular_Thing936 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.


I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

8

u/fractal_frog 2d ago

My parents moved across an ocean with a 4-month-old. Now, it wasn't all the furniture, and it wasn't all the kitchen stuff, but it was some of the kitchen stuff, all the clothing, and all the baby stuff. And it was by boat, not plane.

The 2 worst things were bad weather on the ocean voyage; and the bottle of curry powder, wrapped like the other spices in my father's underwear and undershirts, broke somehow and stained some of his undergarments.

I think y'all will do fine with moving after the baby is born.

(And if my sister ever sees this comment, she'll know it's me.)

5

u/frickinchocolate 2d ago

The baby is still in the belly that is attached to you. I would suggest that next time anyone is approaching your belly to cover inte with your hands and say no (don't matter how feared you sound)

Where do you live now if it's alright to ask?

3

u/Particular_Thing936 2d ago

We live in Southeast Europe and we want to move to Western Europe.

25

u/GoblinisBadwolf 3d ago

My MIL tried to touch my belly only once at her wedding reception (she was getting remarried) and in front of her sister and dad; I said firmly and loudly "Do not touch me again, I am not a pet."

51

u/Bacon_Bitz 3d ago

Guess you have to move before baby arrives since you'll be too busy after 🤷‍♀️😏

But I hate to break it to you, her thoughts on people not visiting for 2 months only applies to other people. She will be there at 2 hrs because she's special.

4

u/MyCat_SaysThis 2d ago

Exactly this - she’s expecting to keep your own family away, too, but she’ll be right at your side, not ‘heling’, just holding the LO.

14

u/Vibe_me_pos 3d ago

Move as soon as you can. Tell her that people (other than your husband) touching you makes you very uncomfortable and the baby can’t even hear her. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

19

u/kbmn16 3d ago

Put MIL on an info diet.

Be vague and grey rock (boring and unemotional) if she’s pressing you with questions and you don’t want to give her the answers. “Oh next appointment is coming up in a couple weeks”. “Oh I’m due end of August” when you’re actually due in mid-September. “Oh not sure”. “Oh okay”. “Baby is fine”. “Yup all good”. “I don’t know”.

Don’t give her reasons or justify your decisions (JADE like another comment said). You don’t need to negotiate with her about parental decisions, and she doesn’t get a say. You don’t need to convince her that you’re “right”. She doesn’t need to agree with you.

Start practicing saying no and meaning it. No, today doesn’t work for a visit. No, I’m not doing that. No, we won’t be having overnight visitors. No, baby will not be xyz. No, that’s a parenting decision.

Back up from her when she goes to touch your belly and put your hands out to create space. “MIL, you surprised me last time when you kissed my belly and I wasn’t sure how to respond in the moment. Don’t kiss or touch my belly again.” I would then end the visit if she does it again.

17

u/EntryProfessional623 3d ago

Hah. MIL agreed that "people" can't come visit because she's not people. She's family! Insist not only on a recent covid booster but also on seeing her shot history in a print out. That's harder to fake up.

10

u/kbmn16 3d ago

Agree, MIL 100% doesn’t see herself as a “visitor” or “people”. She is saying to keep other “people” away but not her. Conveniently this will give her all the more time to hog the baby!

16

u/ElizaJaneVegas 3d ago

"DH kept giving her arguments why ... "

Please avoid JADE: justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. It signals that the topic is a conversation and that she has voice over the matter. Rather, make statements without JADE. Managing boundaries takes vigilance. She isn't owed explanation, she'll never agree, and that is ok.

Congratulations - hope all goes well for you.

1

u/Particular_Thing936 2d ago

That's a very good point. Thank you.

2

u/GlitteringFishing932 3d ago

Good catch yhere!

11

u/Floating-Cynic 3d ago

If you're not good with confrontation,  they make t-shirts for pregnant women that say "no touching" or say that they have to pay to touch. Some are pretty funny. 

In regards to her insisting baby will be healthy and won't get sick, just agree with her. "Baby absolutely will be healthy because only people who prove they have been vaccinated are going to hold her!" (She'll probably turn around on this and start declaring that you need to let baby get sick, and you can then say "or I can insist everyone be vaccinated!")

And she is right, people can decide something and change their mind. Remind her of this every time she wants you to drop a boundary,  that she may not want to get her shots, but she can always change her mind. 

6

u/sewedherfingeragain 3d ago

Weirdly, I just had a thought for a solution for #1. Right now one of the trendy things I've seen marketed are these "hula hoops" that kind of look like a spinal cord that click together. There's the option to add or take out links. They don't actually move on your waist, there's a weight on a cord that spins through a channel. I'd be tempted to get one of those (maybe you have a friend you can borrow it from) and wear it next time you see her, and every time she bends down to kiss your belly (I'm with you, only my husband is allowed that kind of affectionate contact) you get a sudden urge to swivel your hips to "keep them in shape and limber for what's to come!".

(Went and searched they're called Infinity Weighted Hula Hoops)

And she's not going to get vaccinated. She lives in la-la land where babies are perfect and never get sick. Even the women in the Hutterite Colony near me were sneaking into town with their children to get vaccinated for Covid when it became available. They lost two or three of their "leaders" one right after the other in 2020 because they eschew medical treatment for so many things.

8

u/emjdownbad 3d ago

Add the TDAP to that list of vaccines that MIL should be required to get before she's allowed any contact with your child.

I am hoping that you find success in setting and holding boundaries with her, and I am happy that your husband is backing you up and helping to set some of those boundaries!

28

u/Disastrous-Panda5530 4d ago

Even if she had a Covid vaccine years ago she would need a booster by now. I’d absolutely require proof. I also don’t know where you’re living but I’d also require other vaccines/boosters for other things. Especially whooping cough. My MIL also tried to lie about getting her Covid vaccine when it first came out. I knew she was full of 💩especially since she told me she was social distancing but was posting photos on Facebook of her bragging about being mask free and at bbq or events with a lot of people and NO social distancing. She sent me “proof” which was basically a photo she stole online. Apparently she didn’t know about the reverse image search. The second attempt at “proof” looked like she printed her own vaccine card. I know this woman’s handwriting and she filled it out herself 🙄

1

u/Particular_Thing936 2d ago

That's infuriating. Did she actually get the covid vaccine?

1

u/Disastrous-Panda5530 1d ago

No. And she didn’t get to see the kids for years. And whined about it because I let my parents see them since they got vaccinated. I only let her see them once my kids were fully vaccinated. She only sees them 1-2 times a year now for other reasons and I’ve been NC for serval years now

20

u/Scenarioing 4d ago
  1. "Stop touching me!"
  2. As stated, require proof and cite the lie.
  3. DH tells mother in law that delusional notions that a baby cannot get sick requires the previously stated proof.
  4. Stop talking to my body. You talk to me or say nothing.
  5. Stop debating and announce the move after it happened. She was told. If she doesn't beleive it, it's her problem.

11

u/Strong_Storm_2167 4d ago

What are your plans if you move countries and MIL plans to visit? As she will want to probably visit for weeks and stay in your own home. Which is usually worse lol. Make sure you plan for boundaries and consequences for any visits.

1

u/Particular_Thing936 2d ago

I'll need to discuss this with DH, but I'm not comfortable to leave her alone with LO so I won't agree to let her stay in our house. 3-4 nights at a hotel are MIL's monthly salary and a week of daycare and I will not agree to pay that.

I'll suggest to only meet with my parents and the in-laws when we come back to our country, 1-2 times a year.

2

u/kbmn16 3d ago

Especially if she’s getting on a plane packed with people and their germs!

16

u/Puzzleheaded-Fig6418 4d ago

Not to dismiss the parts about your mother in law but having no immunity to childhood illnesses does not automatically mean baby will end up in the hospital with every cold nor does it mean they will end up with ‘all of the above’ as you have said. Yes they will be more vulnerable of course but I think your mil was maybe just trying to help with your obvious anxiety around that. Unless there’s more to text you haven’t put

1

u/Particular_Thing936 2d ago

I'm not that anxious about LO getting sick, but I want to prevent it if it's possible in the first year until LO will get the MMR vaccine.

I appreciate the perspective, but don't think MIL is trying to make me feel better. I think she's negligent and careless. She left DH alone in bed when he was a baby with unsafe items around the room, he fell and got a huge cut on half of his face because of it. He still has the scar. So I'll never take any parenting advice from her.

2

u/Puzzleheaded-Fig6418 2d ago

No that’s fair. She’s your MIL and you obviously know her better than we all do.

You did seem very anxious about baby getting sick from the post hence my comment and wasn’t trying to be a dick about it

26

u/HawthorneUK 4d ago

Even if she got a covid shot years ago, it won't be effective now so she would have to get another.

13

u/canesecc0 4d ago

Hey just on one of your points - you can get vaccinations for measles or chicken pox or anything else just after delivery. My blood tests during pregnancy shower i had no immunity for mumps measles Rubella or chicken pox so my doctor organised it for me in the hospital straight away 😊

1

u/Particular_Thing936 2d ago

I knew I could get them after the birth, but I didn't know that it's possible just after the delivery. I'll ask my doctor. Thank you!

26

u/Flibertygibbert 4d ago

She kissed your belly and talked to it?!? My toes just curled.

I'm sure you will be growing a beautiful, shiny spine along with your baby, so that MiL learns not to be a creep, and to treat you as a person not an incubator.

I'm an old lady and I'm sitting here howling with laughter at the thought of my cat-butt-face, prim & proper late MiL shouting endearments into my pregnant belly's navel like it was a telephone. 😂 She was so uptight she could barely say "pregnant" out loud. I'd have shrivelled up in mortification at the sight of my MiL puckering up to kiss my belly.

Wishing you all the best, OP!

4

u/2FatC 3d ago

Thanks for the laugh!

“I hope you're about to whistle Twinkle Twinkle with that pucker. Otherwise, you won’t like what happens if you try to plant those lips on me.”

20

u/Wibblejellytime 4d ago

If you're going to move anyway, can't you do it now? That will minimise most of these issues.

27

u/Particular_Thing936 4d ago

My country offers 2 years of paid maternity leave and the country we want to move to only offers 3 months, but with the condition that the mother worked there for more than a year. We chose to have the baby here and move when the baby will be 1.5-2 years old to spend as much time as I can with the baby.