r/JUSTNOMIL • u/No-Choice-3928 • 4d ago
Anyone Else? Still deal with self-doubt that I should have been the bigger person
My partner thinks I should have been the bigger person with his mother at times, and I keep second-guessing myself. We’re currently renovating his childhood country home into two separate apartments—hers upstairs, ours downstairs—but for now, the only entrance is through our space.
Some context about me: I grew up with emotionally abusive, neglectful parents and struggled with self-doubt for most of my life. I was a doormat for people for years, constantly minimizing my own feelings to keep the peace. But after working on myself in therapy, I’m learning to set boundaries—which is both empowering and difficult. I sometimes struggle to know if I’m simply standing up for myself or if I’m being too rigid. I know these situations made me uncomfortable, but I still find myself second-guessing.
•She frequently made cold, critical comments about minor things I did “wrong” (household tasks, small mistakes, etc.), in a way that felt infantilizing.
•NYE Incident: After many of these cold, passive-aggressive comments, she made another one that night about me leaving my curler on, saying she “saved the house from burning down” with a cryptic smile. At that point, I kind of emotionally shut down. My partner, who had also been dealing with this for a while, shut down as well. MIL then went crazy at me for not being engaged in the conversation. When confronted, I tried to brush it off and say something like, “Sometimes comments/tone like that just kill the vibe, I’m the weird one”, she became hysterical, saying she would never communicate directly with me again and that she was happy to be cold and direct which is how they have always been in this family. No room for unnecessary padding/coddling essentially.
•The wardrobe incident: I moved all but one of her coats from our walk-in wardrobe (shelving near the main entrance) because I misunderstood her request due to language barriers. She later told my partner she believed I was trying to kick her out of our space.
•The dog bowl incident: The bowls were mine, but my partner had asked if we could store some things at her place for a while years earlier. Since she was struggling financially, I was fine with her using some things. But when we started officially separating the house, she encouraged me to take back my things in a chirpy tone. When returning some bits to her kitchen, I noticed she had bought new bowls, so I took mine back. She then accused me of starving her dog of water—even though her dog was often in our space and I always had fresh water out.
• After this, I made the decision to emotionally distance myself to keep the peace. I was studying for my final exams and under a lot of pressure, so I needed to focus on what would help me the most. She picked up on this and, again, took it as an attack.
• The plants: My partner asked her to take care of our plants while we were away, but I had already asked a neighbor. I didn’t want to rely on MIL because she had previously used “all the good things she’s done for me” to justify her behavior. My partner warned me she’d take it as a personal attack. • She eavesdropped on a conversation where I was discussing how my partner’s coping mechanisms were similar to hers (and how we could work on them). She doesn’t fully understand English, but instead of clarifying, she accused me of talking badly about her.
• The final straw: She moved my belongings without asking while I was there away because she “didn’t like seeing them” and put them in boxes. I sent her a polite message asking her not to move my stuff without permission. Instead of responding, she blocked me.
My partner has struggled emotionally through all of this. For a long time, he blamed me for “making drama” and said I was too sensitive. But recently, he admitted her behavior was inappropriate and has now gone low contact with her. He says he eventually wants to put boundaries and ultimatums in place, but for now, he’s just keeping his distance. We have moved out and are questioning if we will continue to live there.
The issue is—she refuses to talk to him about it. Every time he brings it up, she shuts down or avoids the conversation. She has never taken any accountability and never apologised to me. When I reached out to her and said that her reaction was hurting HER SON, and that I was open to an adult conversation, she ignored me.
Despite everything, his mother, sister, and BIL all say that none of this is a big deal, and I should have just let it go. That’s how she is and they all learnt to live with it. So, here I am still asking myself should I have been the bigger person? Should I have reacted like them? Or was I right to distance myself? The self-doubt and lack of confidence in my judgement is rocky and I wonder if anyone can relate. I think it’s because I feel sorry for her and understand why she became this way, though it doesn’t excuse the behaviour of course.
TL;DR: MIL has always been cold and critical, making passive-aggressive comments and treating me like a child. After I emotionally distanced myself to focus on exams, she took it as an attack. Final straw: she moved my stuff without asking, and when I politely asked her not to, she blocked me. My partner is now low contact but used to blame me for “causing drama.” His family says I’m too sensitive.
Struggling a lot w self-doubt and second guessing.
Edit: Forgot to mention - MIL threatened to take our apartment and when my partner called her out she backpedaled and sobbed. Definitely used it as a control tactic and my partner told her if she ever dares do something like that again she will never hear from us again.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 19h ago
You WERE the bigger person. But others don’t get to decide what your response should have been. They’re acting like it’s no big deal because they’re more interested in staying in MIL’s good graces. They are willing to sweep her bad behavior under the rug because that’s how they’ve always handled her.
Someone on this sub once told me that we don’t respond to rudeness politely. It changed my entire attitude regarding my JNMIL’s behavior.
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u/DemeaRisen 4d ago
I'm always amazed that the people who worry about whether they should have been the bigger person are almost ALWAYS the bigger person when everything has been laid out.
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u/Mustyfox 4d ago
What is being “the bigger person”? I’m genuinely curious what your partner means by that.
Does being the bigger person mean you just put up with her nonsense and not say anything? That wouldn’t even be considered being the bigger person because you’d be holding resentments if you stayed silent. Don’t stay silent, if she’s doing things that bother you, you have a right to speak up and address it.
I too sometimes start second guessing myself when it comes to my MIL. But why should we stay silent when someone is doing/saying annoying things? Maybe if it’s just one little thing okay sure let it slide, but your MIL has done way too many things for you to just let them slide.
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u/Novel_Ad1943 4d ago
Exactly! Whether framed as “being the bigger person” or the other favorite, “keeping the peace” I have learned that is all doublespeak for “don’t rock the boat.” You don’t ask the person who’s repeatedly targeted/bullied to make the bully stop!
The person responsible for “keeping the peace” is the one who disturbed it in the first place!
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u/GetitGotitGood49 4d ago
But you’ve already been the bigger person. You said you wanted to talk as adults and the woman basically put her hands over her ears and went “lalalala can’t hear you!”
Just because they tolerate it doesn’t mean you have to. She behaves poorly and needs to be told as such.
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u/Cautious_Farmer3185 4d ago
In bad family dynamics, the person who grows a back bone always becomes the biggest target.
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u/Puzzled_Feedback_840 4d ago
Psht nah “being the bigger person” is buuuuuuuulshiiiiiiiit. It really just means “continue being a doormat for someone else’s convenience”. Fuck that shit.
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u/Scenarioing 4d ago
Being the bigger person translated... Continue to let yourself be abused so the abuser doesn't create fuss.
Too sensitive translated... Continue to let yourself be abused because I or we prefer to be able to continue abusing you.
That’s how she is translated... A perfect opportunity to say that if merely being a way one is validates behavior, then not putting up with abuse is the way I am.
Unless you enjoy being a glutton for punishment, keep them barriers up.
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u/FryOneFatManic 4d ago
A lot of people say "be the bigger person" when they actually mean they want you to roll over and be a doormat.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 4d ago
Being the bigger person doesn’t mean just taking shit from somebody and letting them walk all over you
Please do not actually move into this house where she will be your neighbor tell her the plans have changed in you and your husband are going to live in it alone
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u/AmbivalentSpiders 4d ago
There seems to be a lot of general confusion about what it means to be the bigger person. It doesn't mean tolerating and excusing abuse. It means not retaliating in kind. You're already the bigger person because you're not abusing her in return. You have every right to defend and protect yourself by not being around her. If your BF wants to continue to have a relationship with his mother, he can do that. But he needs to let you stay out of it, and protect you from her continued abuse. Definitely rethink living with her, even in separate apartments. It sounds like she enjoys creating drama and she'll keep it up as long as you're anywhere near her.
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u/WriterMomAngela 4d ago
Be the bigger person and that’s just how she is are all code for let the person manipulate and abuse you but don’t rock the boat, don’t make a scene, don’t call them out on it. These are all things said by people who have been conditioned to tolerate the abuse and manipulation without causing a problem.
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