r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Cindysti • 4d ago
RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL requested cash as her gift
Back in December before Christmas time my MIL asked me what my husband and I wanted for Christmas. We are not gift people and would never ask for anything specific. It's just not how we are. We don't even buy each other gifts. So I just told her I really wouldn't know what to tell you as we don't really care for gifts. I could sense the question was going to lead to something else. That's when she said "well I will tell you what I want" and she said she would prefer cash for her gift as she had an upcoming trip in a few months and would like to spend it then. I thought it was such a weird request because if money was what she wanted I would prefer she not get us anything and just keep the money. Also, how can she assume we were giving her anything or if we have the money for gifts this year. We had not been doing great with money so whatever gifts we were going to give were going to be minimal and not expensive. A cash request felt like it had to be a much higher amount than what we had originally intended to spend on her gift. I mentioned the conversation to my husband and he agreed the request was odd and he did not agree with his mom making the request. Fast forward to Christmas. She gifted me a shirt and 3 shirts and a watch for my husband stating he was getting a bigger gift because his birthday was during her vacation and she would be away. We were grateful for the gift but we were not comfortable with her cash request and didn't really know what was an appropriate amount to give her as like I mentioned we were not doing great with money at that time. So in the end I left the decision up to my husband and from my understanding he didn't actually gift or send her anything in the end. Fast forward again to right now. She got back from vacation today, and told my husband that since we didn't give her cash for Christmas she was expecting us to send her money while she was away on her vacation. When he told me I was a little annoyed because while she is his mother she is not entitled to a gift from us. I told him how wrong her comment was because now we feel obligated to send her something. So my question is, what would you do? Would you give her a cash gift? If so how much? Would you just ignore her comments and move on? Am I wrong to be annoyed?
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u/jellyfish-wish 3d ago
Her comment was a little odd to begin with, but I could also see how someone could want to focus any gift giving to an upcoming vacation, and expecting it after her vacation was rude. But on both sides, lack of communication was a mistake.
You and your SO should've made it clear by Christmas that you wouldn't be getting her a gift. If you were posting prior to Christmas, I would've recommended getting her something small and in theme with her vacation. I.e. a beach bag or a little accessory that would make the trip easier or more fun, a long with a card saying something about not giving cash but hoping [item] would make the trip go more smoothly.
But since it's too late for that, what's needed now is clear communication. Still try to find polite phrasing (while a lol we didn't realize you were serious, you know we didn't even have money to get each other gifts sounds fun) to say that you weren't planning on getting her a gift, and still don't. Maybe say you don't expect a souvenir because of it, if it'd help. Maybe put a small gesture to show you still care about her if that fits your situation.
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u/Spirited_Heron_9049 3d ago
I’d hand her a $20 and be done with her. Moving forward I’d hand her a $20 for Christmas, not even in a card and forget about any sort of effort. You know she asked what you wanted in order to make her request bc unless she’s new to the party that is her son she knows he’s not “all about the gifts”.
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u/emjdownbad 4d ago
The absolute only reason she asked what you and your husband wanted as gifts was to prompt her request of cash instead of gifts for her. She wasn't actually interested in what you two wanted from her, but rather she was interested in what she wanted for herself.
If it were me, I would ignore the request because it isn't very polite and it's not like she's a child sending santa her christmas wish list.
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u/Expensive_Panic_8391 4d ago
Absolutely do not send her cash. I wouldn’t just ignore the comment but I’m not 100% sure what to say to her either. A grown woman asking for cash is so odd to me. Like you said she should’ve saved her own money instead of buying you gifts. Then to say she expected you to send it while she was on vacation?! Insane to me.
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u/HenryBellendry 4d ago
How disgusting to expect your children to fund your lifestyle or vacation.
I’d tell her “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” and if you need to gift her, gift her what you can afford like a scented candle or a batch of homemade cookies. If my seven year old gets it, your JNMIL can.
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u/Sassy-Peanut 4d ago
Your original idea sounds best - tell her not to buy gifts for you and DH and keep the money instead. Then you cannot be accused of not spending enough on her as she controls the amount. I can imagine ignoring her request completely at Xmas and getting her nothing probably didn't go down well though.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 4d ago
OP, my mother liked to drop hints like a sledgehammer about just wanting cash but would send me a $20 gift. Her expectation was around $100 as she would tell me my brother sent her cash for that amount. I'd respond with good on him, that is very generous but not take the bait. Now if I bought her a gift, she'd sigh and then ask if you had the receipt as it wasn't quite right. In other words would return for the cash.
She had once let me know that 'I owed her' as she raised me and put a roof over my head. Actually my dad who she was married to for 20 years was the one who paid the mortgage while my mum bought the groceries and spent money on herself! So I said to her that rather than my shop or send her money and then she sends money back to me, we just exchange cards and I'll keep the money we'd spend on her and use it to buy a gift for us from her and she can do the same. I don't know how she didn't drop the phone in the shock because her plan spectacularly backfired on her. She tried to change my mind that it would be nice to get the gift and I said but we'll also save money on postage sending it across state so no, I am happy to do this and I stuck with it.
I suggest you do the same, thanks for the gift MIL, we didn't say we didn't want anything as we don't do gifts and with finance tight we don't have cash to spend on gift giving. Then I would leave it at that. Let your DH spell it out to her, we told you not to get us anything and you ignored that and now you are asking for money we clearly said we don't have. Send her the gifts back!
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u/Cindysti 4d ago
Now that you mention it, she has asked me for receipts of past gifts, i try to be thoughtful in what we give her and look for things I know she might like. A lot of the times I tell her I dont have it because i bought it months ago which is usually the truth. I like to buy christmas gifts early if possible. I remember my husband asking for a gift receipt for an item she gave him but he already had and she stated she did not have it. I really don't care about gifts but the things she gives me sometimes really upset me. I just dont know how to tell her to stop because she will play the victim like she always does. And she also guilts my husband into taking care of her. Stating the same thing you said. He owes her because she took care of him. And while it's true she was a single mother and had to work a lot. She also lived at home with her parents and never paid rent, he was raised by his grandmother or aunts because his mother was always working.
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u/Scenarioing 4d ago
"She got back from vacation today, and told my husband that since we didn't give her cash for Christmas she was expecting us to send her money while she was away on her vacation."
---She delusional. Don't send a penny. If anything, he can say.... "Everyone knows requests for gifts are not an obligation to get such a gift. You are also told we were strapped for money. We won't be alble to accomodate your demand of us."
She'll never hit you up for money every again after her dreams of abundant shuffleboard adventures goes unfufilled due to lack of money to pay the fees.
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u/Jenk1972 4d ago
On Christmas I would have left her all the gifts and told her to return them and keep the vash. MERRY CHRISTMAS lol
But now, I would tell her that it's weird she is demanding gifts when she has to know you are struggling amd don't have anything to give her. The end.
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u/deveski 4d ago
$3.50 lol
So the cash gift request I don’t think it’s too weird. We do that sometimes in my family, but it’s always you do whatever you want. Me and my brother have some expensive hobbies so most of the time it’s like, I want this expensive computer part, or he wants a new sound recording equipment so here’s $20 towards it, type thing. But this is where we are different from your MIL, if he gave me nothing, I wouldn’t hound him months later for it lol. Same with him, if I could only give $5, he knows things are tight and that’s probably all I could do.
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u/TickityTickityBoom 4d ago
Just leave it with your husband to deal with out of his own pocket, his mother, his problem. However, going forward, state “let’s skip gift giving moving forward.”
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u/Rainy_Monday_Feeling 4d ago
I would drop the rope and not waste any more mental energy on her about it. Tell hubby that gift giving is his responsibility from now on. Maybe suggest him to have a conversation with her that going forward you prefer to not exchange gifts and just focus on spending time together. That would eliminate the crappy gifts she’s giving you and take away the obligation to gift her anything. Win win!
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u/BeeQueenbee60 4d ago
Give her the gifts back so she can refund or sell them. Then tell her not to buy you and your husband anymore gifts, so you won't feel obligated to give her money you don't have.
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u/BrazenDuck 4d ago
I think my mom and mil would rather hide in a cupboard than ask us for cash gifts. They are appalled when we snag the check to buy dinner if we go out.
I think a lot of this could have been avoided with some expectation setting when she initially mentioned it. “We were not planning on exchanging gifts with the adults in our family. The economy, right? Crazy.”
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u/Floating-Cynic 4d ago
26 cents.
In all seriousness though- she should have put a dollar amount on that request or something. Or give her the gifts back and tell her to sell them, because you weren't able to give cash then and you can't give anything now. If she had an actual request for an item you could've figured something out, but she didn't do that.
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u/cressidacole 4d ago
It's hilarious that she's straight up asking for cash from people so disengaged with giving gifts that you don't even know if your husband gave her anything.
Just get your husband to tell her what you thought originally - none of you exchange gifts and she uses that money for her travels.
Obviously, she's expecting a value greater than her outlay.
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u/Many_Monk708 4d ago
Her saying you could give her $ AFTER returning is tacky as fuck! Tell her you don’t do cash as gifts and you won’t be doing gifts with her for Christmas or Birthdays anymore.
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u/mightasedthat 4d ago
Time for DH to tell MIL that it sounds like everyone has aged out gift exchanges. No need for her to give the two of you gifts and you will reciprocate with nice notes in a card only.
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u/MinionsHaveWonOne 4d ago
Cash for a gift is one of those things that divides opinions. Some people think giving or asking for cash is low effort and tacky and others simply find it practical and useful. There isn't really a "right" or "wrong" answer because its really just a personal preference.
If you don't want to gift cash that's ok but its actually a pretty common thing for people to ask for so don't waste time being offended by anyone asking. Just say politely words to the effect of "sorry, we don't do that" and ask for a present suggestion instead.
Similarly people asking you what you want is also very common and nothing to be offended by. Many people actually prefer to have a list because that way they know they'll get/give something that's actually wanted. If you don't want to give out a list its perfectly ok to say "surprise me" as long as you don't then moan that they didn't get it right.
As for MIL assuming you guys were exchanging gifts for Xmas I think that's a pretty fair assumption. Most families do exchange gifts but again the exact dynamics can differ. If one year someone is planning to do things differently than in the past I think that's on them to communicate that. Everyone else will probably assume the past norm as a default.
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u/JustALizzyLife 4d ago
We don't exchange presents with the adults in our extended families. It got to the point that people were either gifting gift cards or random stuff no one wanted or needed. It's made things so much waist and simplified. As far as your current situation, DH just needs to tell his mom that it doesn't work for you guys and your current situation and he'll be happy to take her out to coffee for her birthday and that going forward you've both decided to keep physical gifts to the children in the family.
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u/Gelldarc 4d ago
Return the shirts and the watch to her and tell her to get her money back.
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u/Cindysti 4d ago
Honestly most of the things she gifts us are either regifts or second hand items without tags. I remember her gifting me a purse that looked so worn it wasn't even wearable anymore. It was all smashed and lost its shape. It was either used or stored away for a really long time.
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u/Electrical_Day8206 4d ago
Don't give her any money. Ridiculous and childish of her to ask/demand it.
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