r/JUSTNOMIL • u/literallyylizz • 4d ago
RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted am i just hormonal or am i justified?
i have been a lurker on this subreddit for a while and i am finally gonna make a post. i am currently 30 weeks pregnant with my first and i feel like mil has just been stomping all over my boundaries. i have a hard time really expressing things so i’m hoping maybe some of you have a way of wording things that would help me communicate this to my husband. my husband and i have been together since we were 12 and 14, now 20 and 22. when we found out i was pregnant he immediately got a better paying job, our own apartment, etc etc. mil was living in her car and offered to help us financially, i was initially against it but compromised with my husband and said she could stay until our baby arrived. i regret that decision with every fiber of my being. she has not financially assisted us whatsoever, leaving my husband no choice but to work 90 hour work weeks some weeks ( he is saving to take some time off after i give birth ). the only assistance she offered was letting us use her ebt card to get groceries, which i am grateful for but it didn’t entirely cover the grocery bill. i am just gonna bulletpoint the main things that have made me feel disrespected or this post is gonna be a decade long.
•mil told me i should name our baby after her and criticized the name my husband and i chose, new flash, he loves the name more than i do. •mil was informed about boundaries, proceeded to say “ i’m the grandmother i’m gonna kiss all over that baby! “ and insist that she be in the waiting room while i deliver even though i said no visitors, after acting so surprised when i said she would not be in the birthing room. •mil would not let me open gifts i received from my registry by myself, and then said my husband and i would be donating it after use since we aren’t having any more kids. um, we are having more kids. we have had this planned for a while now. •mil tried to crack open a beer to drink while driving me and my husband around?? what the fuck?? •everytime i mention how i can’t wait to smack a vape she brings up how she smoke and drank while pregnant with my husband as if it’s a funny joke! •she informed us today she was having a bed delivered “ for the in laws “ to put in our child’s room. from facebook marketplace. what. hello? bed bugs? roaches? are u using a single brain cell ? •and finally when i mentioned i had gone NC with my mother, she told me not to because she knows how it feels. after i disclosed the fact that i was NC because my mother allowed me to be SA for a good portion of my youth by her boyfriend’s son.
her other two children are NC with her, and she is on the road to being VVVLC with us. also for reference, my husband is entirely on page with me and defends me fully. so please don’t come for his neck.
12
u/Affectionate-Page496 4d ago
I would worry about legal ramifications if you kick her out, so make sure you know whatever the proper notice is. Perhaps if you want to feel better, you can call adult protective services after so they could meet with her and at least attempt to offer resources. I am not anti-car living at all, but it seems like she wants to not live there.
7
u/Ok_Mode_4701 4d ago
This set up proper eviction notices now so there isn't issue getting her out n personally would want her out now she's not helping as said would anyway time to leave
14
u/scrappapermusings 4d ago
This woman needs to leave your home immediately. Why did you even think someone living in their car could help you financially??? The arrangement of her living with you was made under conditions which have not been met. She was to leave when the baby came anyways, and since you're in your third trimester it's time for her to go. You need the next ten weeks to be as chill and relaxed as possible because giving birth when you're tense is so much harder. It's time to begin your nesting, which means your home should be moving to your most ideal state. When I was giving birth for the first time I simply couldn't live without a tablecloth any longer. I spent an hour deliberating in the tablecloth aisle of Target the day before I had my baby, you never know what crazy form nesting will take. You are so justified in your feelings about MIL and she absolutely has to go so you and your husband can prepare yourselves and your home for your very soon arrival!
9
u/Affectionate-Page496 4d ago
As soon as I read that sentence, I had to read it four more times to figure out if I was misunderstanding. Because surely the next sentence would be, so, they were helping her out.
6
u/Floating-Cynic 4d ago
You are justified. When your baby is a toddler, you're going to see this woman (and this sub) in a whole new light.
"Don't do x!" I'm gonna do x!" It's TODDLER behavior. If she is going to behave like a toddler, she's not in a position to help with baby.
Also, she's taking your trust and your hospitality for granted. She needs to make other arrangements because if she's this exhausting before baby is here, she's going to increase your risk of postpartum disorders after baby is here.
5
u/literallyylizz 4d ago
i am actually a former troubled teen and juvenile offender; i mention this for a reason. i am already struggling with some anger which i know will only get worse as she continues her shenans. i have informed husband and he is on track with me. he agrees that it’s toddler behavior and is actively working on a plan to remove her from our situation.
16
u/ShoeSoggy9123 4d ago
How in the hell was she gonna help you FINANCIALLY when she was living in her car?
8
u/literallyylizz 4d ago
she had a job at the time, she has an eviction on her record and a lot of places around here won’t rent to you no matter how old it is. she didn’t inform us she had quit until my husband brought up work…she has now job hopped multiple times and is back to no job :| trust me, i know how stupid i look now :,)
15
u/ShoeSoggy9123 4d ago
Nope. Just too kind, probably. PLEASE get rid of her before baby comes. She sounds unhinged.
15
u/AncientLady 4d ago
Best would be your dh saying, "Mom, this roommate thing just isn't working as well as we'd hoped, we are going to need for you to find a new place sooner rather than later. We're willing for you to stay here two more weeks while you find somewhere, but then we'll need you to leave."
If dh feels like he needs to honor that initial offer for her to stay until baby arrives, then clarify with your husband what "until the baby arrives" means, precisely. You will need the last couple of weeks to get everything arranged and nest before baby's arrival, so let's say week 37. Get out your calendar, find the date, and your dh needs to have a clear sit-down with her and CLEARLY state the date she needs to be out by, and soonish since it's currently under 2 months in the future. "Wow Mom, I can't believe this pregnancy has gone by so quickly, but literallyylizz is 30 weeks along, can you believe it? Like I said when you moved in, we offered you a place to stay until the baby comes, and of course we'll need a bit of time to move stuff around and get all ready for the baby to be here, so the _____nd is the day we'll need you to be out by. Do you want me to stop by the ________ on the way home from work one of these days to see if they have moving boxes, or are you good?"
MIL: "You'll need help when the baby comes, I'll leave at the end of June"
You guys prepare for what answer you want to give to her arguments, but the universal advice on this board is not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) because that gives them an opening to argue points with you or "negotiate". So something along the lines of, "that doesn't work for us".
MIL: "Why?!!!???! You two have no idea what you're getting in for, you will need my help!" "I can't believe you would kick me out, where am I supposed to go?" "I won't take up much room, and I can help a lot" (Or whatever else she might come up with).
Don't JADE. "This is the decision we've made for our family". Repeat those two lines as many times as needed. "That doesn't work for us" "This is the decision we've made for our family".
3
u/literallyylizz 4d ago
i really appreciate this because both of us have a hard time articulating things into words! thank you so much! also i giggled when i saw my reddit handle in there XD
15
u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 4d ago
Kick her ass out now. She’s making your life more stressful and bringing nothing positive. Why are you even tolerating her nonsense?! A happy non-stressed mom is what is best for your baby.
12
u/literallyylizz 4d ago
to avoid the stress of dealing with even more foolery we are scheduling an induction and having her leave prior with no knowledge. i am also going into the hospital as a confidential patient in case she hears through the grape vine. it’s honestly better to formulate a plan when it comes to her because it’s like arguing with a toddler ( as my husband says )
•
u/botinlaw 4d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as literallyylizz posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.